Sunday, February 14, 2016

Deep breaths and list making

Yesterday was tough. Not only did I have the post drinking bloat, I also had the "I've been eating shitty food to get through exams bloat", and all I wanted to do was hide in my blankets and sleep. However, my boyfriend wanted to take me out to brunch for valentine's day, and I was determined to not let my eating disorder ruin this holiday.

I went out and faced my fears. I had a lovely omelette with hash browns and rye toast (with butter!!). I could taste the grease but my goodness was it delicious. I started to binge after I got home, on leftover valentines day cookies and chocolate, but I didn't purge. I stopped eating, and slept.

I then woke up, and had an argument with my father. We aren't on the same page when it comes to my treatment. I was so incredibly triggered and wanted to binge and purge, as well as smoke. I wanted a smoke so god damn badly. I've only smoked a couple of times in my life, but I find that when I'm really stressed, I just want that warm smoke to be inhaled into my lungs and the burning of the nicotine against my throat.

I knew this wasn't the right thing to do. But my god was it difficult to not give in to any of my urges. I started by coloring and watching some netflix. Distraction wasn't enough though, so I turned on collegiate gymnastics.It immediately sparked something in me. My sense of purpose.  It reminded me why I love gymnastics, and healthy living and being as tough and strong as I can be. I'm going to beat this bulimia with long workouts and protein shakes and reach goals that I know I can achieve.

I then did one of the most therapeutic things I've learned over the years. List making. I made list after list, meal plan after meal plan, schedule after schedule. I put some order into my life. I made sense of things. I can control my grades, and I can control my fitness. And I will. And they will be the best.


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