It's so easy to slip into the addiction. Ignore what logic tells you and just submerge yourself completely into the bulimia, allow it to define you, and become nothing more than a corpse with a beating heart, a zombie that lives purely to self destruct.
I got bad news on Tuesday. I didn't get the summer research position that I had applied for. Thoughts of inadequacy flood my mind. It's easy to be adequate when I define myself with bulimia. All I have to do is binge and purge and binge and purge and binge and purge until I fall asleep. All self loathing thoughts masked by the carbs and flushed down the toilet.
I tried to see this as a blessing, and get a referral to treatment for the summer. Turns out I can't afford to be in school if I'm not working. And I can't work if I'm in treatment.
If I'm not going to treatment why even try to keep my head above water? I know that I need to, I just can't find the motivation.
I'm losing reasons as to why not to disappear.