Sunday, February 28, 2016

Addict mind

It's so easy to slip into the addiction. Ignore what logic tells you and just submerge yourself completely into the bulimia, allow it to define you, and become nothing more than a corpse with a beating heart, a zombie that lives purely to self destruct.

I got bad news on Tuesday. I didn't get the summer research position that I had applied for. Thoughts of inadequacy flood my mind. It's easy to be adequate when I define myself with bulimia. All I have to do is binge and purge and binge and purge and binge and purge until I fall asleep. All self loathing thoughts masked by the carbs and flushed down the toilet.

I tried to see this as a blessing, and get a referral to treatment for the summer. Turns out I can't afford to be in school if I'm not working. And I can't work if I'm in treatment.

If I'm not going to treatment why even try to keep my head above water? I know that I need to, I just can't find the motivation.

I'm losing reasons as to why not to disappear.


1 comment:

  1. Sounds like you can really use some help right now. Reach out the people and get some help. You have all your life ahead of you and you need to fight for your happiness. Everyone deserves to be happy and pursue their dreams. You are no different. Do your research on treatment centers and find the best one for you.