Sunday, January 31, 2016
It is a collection of poems from my blog, as well as some pieces I've ever published. It's available for $4 for the PDF, or $7 + shipping for the paper copy.
To download the PDF, follow this link, or email me here to order a paper copy.
Thank you so much for all the support I've received in making this book.
I have 6 more lectures and two assignments to still go through. But I'm the one who didn't go over
the lectures on Friday and Saturday like I was supposed to. Or get one assignment done Thursday like I had planned. No. I made up excuse after excuse, and now here I am today, a ball of uncaffeinated stress. I need coffee.
I also need to leave my bed. I'm sitting up and working but it's never as productive as my desk. Alright, time to start moving.
Saturday, January 30, 2016
I've never had problems with iron. Even as a vegetarian, I've always made sure to eat lots of greens and make sure I always ate enough iron. I went to give blood a couple months ago and the nurses were shocked at how good my iron levels were, especially after I told them I was vegetarian.
I guess at one point, no matter how hard you try, if you aren't eating enough, you won't absorb enough minerals. It's inevitable. But somehow I lasted so long without my blood levels dropping. I guess I actually am human.
I have to work on this, and bring my iron levels back up. My doctor said it will help with my constant fatigue as well, which would be lovely, as wanting to sleep all the time makes it very hard to study.
Friday, January 29, 2016
Yesterday, I found out my iron levels were low. This hasn't happened ever, so I got a bit of a shock. I do need to start working harder on getting my nutrition in check.
One of the easiest sources of iron, especially for vegetarians is cereal, as it's fortified with Iron, so I went to buy some today.
When I was young, cereal had to be healthy, and 'sugar cereal' was only used as a treat camping, or sometimes mixed with 'healthy' cereal. Well f**k that. Yesterday I bought Kellogs crave cereal, because it looked delicious and was on sale.
So here I am, challenging myself to a new iron-rich breakfast!
Thursday, January 28, 2016
This is the first time I've ever had an auditory hallucination, and it was scary as hell.
I feel guilty for not sharing what is happening to me right now. I started this blog to open up peoples eyes about mental illness, end the stigma and share my story. And here I am, too ashamed to share mine, and hence doing nothing to end the stigma.
I hope once some of what is happening gets sorted out I'll feel more comfortable sharing with all of you.
The plan for today is lots of rest, a doctors appointment, groceries, and some light course work.
I emailed my professors and they were all very understanding and I'm grateful I have found the strength to talk to them. This is the first time I've admitted to a professor that my mental health was coming in the way of my studies and I received overwhelmingly helpful and positive replies.
My goal is to catch up with course work over the next few days, and perhaps go to a professors office hour tomorrow.
I hope you're all doing well.
Monday, January 25, 2016
Here's a quote from my journal in January 2010, when my eating disorder behaviors first really developed.
I took a laxative today from my the bathroom cupboard. Mom shouldn't notice, I didn't finish the pack or anything and she doesn't use them often enough to know how many should be left. I'm not having a full blown eating disorder or anything, I just need to get back down to xx pounds, and I ate five of those caramel chocolate bars we're selling for gym.
Looking back, I wish I could have told someone, and had someone tell me that I was getting sick, and I was going to lose control. That taking laxatives to drop a couple pounds because I ate a lot of chocolate wasn't normal. At all.
I even remember where I was when I wrote this journal entry. It was in the hallway of my highschool, right across from where my homeroom English and Geography classes were. About half an hour after school, before walking to gymnastics practice.
Maybe knowing what would happen to me wouldn't have changed anything. But then again, it might have.
If I have one regret, it's not calling my mom, and telling her everything that day.
Sunday, January 24, 2016
It's not about your intelligence. Your brain chemistry will suffer. This change in brain chemistry can cause body dismorphia, depression, anxiety and more on top of a full blown, out of control eating disorder.
So please love, I beg of you. Take control now, when you still can. Die your hair, take up an extreme sport, or spontaneously go on a trip. Do what you need to do to feel free. But not this. Anything, but this.
Saturday, January 23, 2016
I've accepted to maintain the weight I'm at until I stop binging and purging. So that's an important step. I still want to lose a bit more, but it will have to wait until I kick my addiction to bulimia.
I need to start taking this more seriously. I have so much yummy healthy food at home, I now need to convince myself it's worth eating, that it's worth the mental fight, and that I don't need the purge to feel okay.
I think one of my mistakes has been trying to reduce my caffeine intake at the same time. Yes it is something I need to work on. I have no problem being a caffeine addict and needing three cups of coffee a day, but 6 cups of coffee + pills + tea is excessive. However, for now, I'll allow myself the caffeine I need so that I can focus on the binging and purging. It's pretty evident by my behaviours that a lack of caffeine leads to me binging and purging.
I'm going to be using my instagram account to post images of my meals more consistently. I'm also working hard at getting my sleep on track, because that will help exponentially.
I had an all bran breakfast bar around 5am this morning because I was up and hungry. I'm going to have my protein oats for breakfast in a bit and then some protein pancakes for lunch I think.
Today will be day 1 binge purge free.
And tomorrow will be day 2.
The day after will be day 3.
I CAN do this.
I MUST do this.
Have a wonderful weekend lovelies!
Friday, January 22, 2016
The swelling has since gone down a lot but the pain is ever present. Yesterday, I took my crutches to go to school, because my foot was too swollen to fit into a shoe, and too painful to walk on.
I noticed something strange though as I walked to and around campus. People were nicer to me. Bus drivers didn't mind me shuffling around to get my ID, three strangers held doors open for me, and several people went out of their way to ask if I needed help.
I ended up not staying for my classes as my pain level was quite high, as well as my anxiety and depression, so I went hope to rest and sleep. When concerned classmates asked where I was, and I told them about my ankle, there responses were along the lines of "Oh no, I'm so sorry, get better soon! Rest lots! Would you like me to bring you anything?"
This was all great and wonderful.
Why aren't mental illnesses treated the same way? I know it's difficult to know who's going through a difficult time as mental illnesses are often invisible, but there are certain situations where students can make a difference and often don't. For instance, when I got on the bus last summer after a tough night, and my arm was visibly cut up, the bus driver glared at me. When I saw a girl crying in the corner of the hall, no one went up to her and asked her if she was okay. And when I'm stuck in bed and can't go to class, and tell my friends it's because of my mental health, I do get very kind responses (I'm lucky to have the amazing friends that I have), but I have several friends who don't get positive responses from their friends.
This post isn't about how people treat those with mental illnesses badly. That's another issue. This is about how people don't know how to support those with mental illnesses. We are quick to assume that someone crying in the hall is a drama queen, the person with the cuts is attention seeking, and that I'm just lazy when I can't go to class.
Not a single person assumed that I was being a drama queen, attention seeking or just too lazy to go to class yesterday. And what the hell do they know? I could have been using crutches just for the hell of it and making it all up. But people didn't make that assumption, like they often do when it comes to mental illnesses.
The same way that people don't choose to injure an ankle, people don't choose to develop a mental illness.
Let's all do our best to me more mindful, nice and help everyone out. You don't know how much a smile, a hug or a simple 'can I help with anything' will do to improve someone's day.
I had an amazing practice this past Wednesday. I did end up with a slight injury, but I got a new tumbling line!!
I'm hoping this post reminds me to keep on following my meal plan. Protein is good. Calories allow me to do flips.
I hope you're all having a wonderful Friday!
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
Blend 1cup of oats in a blender to make it fine.
Mash 2 bananas.
Mix the oats and bananas together.
Add 2 scoops protein powder and 1/2 cup of egg whites.
Add flavored stevia to taste (I did 8 drops of chocolate)
I cooked them for about 10-15 minutes at 350 and they ended having more of a muffin-like texture. These were so good, ~60cals each and 5g of protein each. It really depends on the oats and protein powder used though!
Here's a lovely picture (I added some Walden Farms chocolate sauce as a garnish)
Monday, January 18, 2016
I did pretty well, until stress got to me last night, and I did binge and purge on pasta.
However, today is a new start and I know that I can keep on doing this.
But what I find odd, is that I'm now losing weight. I know a lot of it must be water weight and loating that I hold on too when I'm binging and purging a lot. But I've been between 1500-2000 calories for two days, and I've lost. I just don't understand how this is happening.
I mean, I'm pleased, but I'm also anxious. I shouldn't be losing? I like the final results, but I like having the control. That's a big part of my disorder - the control aspect. And now it's like I've lost it. I clearly can't just control my weight.
Sunday, January 17, 2016
I guess this is why they call it an addiction.
The temptation is back. Yesterday I felt invincible, and today it's what I want, no need.
The taste, the flavors entering my mouth. The sweetness and creaminess settling in. It's what I'm missing. What I've been denying. What I need.
Getting to that state where I'm so full I can barely move, but crawling over to the bathroom. The release I feel when I let it all out. The high I feel when I'm empty again.
The power I feel knowing that this is my dirty little secret. The one thing no one can take away from me.
Saturday, January 16, 2016
For now, I'm going to maintain. I'm going to maintain my weight for the next month or so. Really get a good, healthy, protein based diet routine into place.
Exercise and feel good. Learn to love food again.
This means eating more than I used to. But that's okay. I'll get there. It's going to be okay.
My fitness pall diary is open, the username is queen__in__training (two underscores between each word). Accountability starts now.
Thursday, January 14, 2016
I don't understand what that diagnosis is supposed to express. You're starving yourself to death, but you either started at a higher weight, have a lower metabolism or your body reacts differently to starvation, so let's give you a different diagnosis.
It's like saying that people who suffer from depression and don't like pizza should have a different diagnosis. Eating disorders are so unrelated to weight. Eating disorders can cause weight loss, gain, maintenance, or changes in body composition which may or may not accompany weight change.
Secondly, anorexia sub-type binge/purge is a great addition to the DSM. However, AN sub b/p is not a synonym for someone who suffers from bulimia that happens to be underweight.
Personally, my bulimia causes weight fluctuations. My set point weight is 5lbs above being under-weight. Which means that if my weight drops for a bit, I'm underweight. This doesn't mean that I've become an anorexic. When I go from 108 to 107.8 pounds I don't become anorexic overnight. I still have the same mental illness. I still suffer the same way.
I think that the removal of atypical anorexia would really solve this problem. All weight criteria needs to be removed. Patients should be diagnosed based on their mental state, not their weight.
If anorexia stopped being associated with low weight, those who suffer from anorexia and happen to not be underweight could still get accurately diagnosed and treated, and those who suffer from bulimia (or BED, or OSFED) and who happen to be underweight could also get accurately diagnosed and treated.
We need changes to be made, and they need to made quickly, before more patients are inaccurately treated. People are dying. The least we could do is try and accurately treat everyone.
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
This is actually a really big deal for me. Grocery shopping is really stressful for me and I always feel as though I'm being judged.
To be honest, had this happened at any other time, I would have bolted. I would have run away, and most likely left the grocery store to return at a later time. However, I haven't seen my therapist in a few months as she's been on temporary leave.
As difficult it has been with my therapist being on leave I was able to have a real person conversation in a grocery store, which is never something I would have considered possible. Especially with someone who knows about all my food struggles.
I'm trying to be more positive. So maybe this is the good in the bad. As bad it is that I haven't been able to see my therapist in quite a while, and I've been worried sick about her, I was able to see that she was okay, and I conquered the challenge of grocery shopping knowing she was there.
Monday, January 11, 2016
I'm being re-referred to a treatment program, and they will do a new assessment. My doctor said that there is a chance they change my diagnosis to anorexia binge purge subtype.
I'm honestly uncomfortable with that idea. I don't really feel as though I restrict, other than to avoid binging and purging. If over eating triggers me binging and purging, isn't avoiding over eating a smart reaction? I make sure to eat a comfortable amount of healthy food in order to reduce behaviours. I thought that that was what I was supposed to do. And now I'm potentially going to get a new diagnosis?
The DSM is fucked.
Sunday, January 10, 2016
12am and my thoughts are haunting me, I take some gravol hoping to fall asleep
1am and I'm really tired and I just want to sleep for a thousand years
2am and my dreams are torturing me with ideas of failure
3am and I'm awake and panicked telling myself that my dreams were just dreams
4am and I still can't fall back asleep so I go to the kitchen and make a feast
5am and my head's in the toilet regretting what I did just an hour ago
6am and I'm asleep again, this time with dreams of family abandonment
7am and my alarm clock starts beeping and I roll over upset that I'm still alive
8am and I washed down my nine morning pills with a cup of black coffee
9am and I'm trying to focus on the code that I'm writing
10am and I get some fruit because I'm allowed to have fruit
11am and my stomach is rumbling, I just want lunch
12pm and I'm pacing around the kitchen trying to choose what to eat
1pm and I'm in class trying to focus on lecture
2pm and it's time for another class
3pm and I'm snacking and trying not to fall asleep
4pm and I'm dreading my last class of the day
5pm and I'm counting calories instead of listen to my lecture
6pm and I'm home, exhausted and trying to eat dinner
7pm and I'm binging, because dinner was tough
8pm and I'm purging my feelings, thoughts, emotions, pain and my food
9pm and I'm sitting at my desk, trying to study and finish my school work
10pm and I'm falling asleep at my desk, but trying to stay focused.
11pm and I put on pajamas, praying that I won't wake up in the morning
Saturday, January 9, 2016
I have an online job, I could up my hours, pay rent and binge and purge my life away.
It seems so tempting, just relapsing and figuring out a life that would allow me to do so.
It's all I want... to just binge and purge my life away. I tiny studio apartment where I could live on my own with a cat. I'd want internet so I can watch TV. Warm blankets and in a city where lots of places deliver. I'd be fine.
The worst part of this is, is that it's realistic. It would be possible for me to work an online job and completely relapse. Relapse until I'm too sick to work, then live off of disability until I wither away and die. It wouldn't take that long. It could all be over.
But I won't. As easy and nice it would be, I don't take the easy way out. As much as I want to die, I still want to live. It took my a year and a half to get to a point where I can say that, and sometimes I wish I could go back to when I was actively suicidal just so it could be over. But I know that maybe all this work will pay off. I could be living the life I want, not just the life I know I could have.
I'm back in a much more positive mindset.
I acted in some behaviors that I thought were gone yesterday, but to a much lesser extent. I had a (minor) overdose on sedatives because I was really overwhelmed and just wanted a break. I took the normal dose of two different sedatives (that aren't supposed be taken at the same time) together at 4pm, and then repeated this again at 1am. It's a lot better than the overdosing I used to do, which would be bottles of pills, however I still feel like it's a bit of a slip back. I took these pills so that I could sleep for 24ish hours (I ended sleeping 20), which is by no means a healthy thing.
However, as bad as that was, I do feel like it was a one time thing. I've managed to get myself back up on my feet. I went to tutor today, which helps me pay back my debt, one of my goals of the year. I'm also heading out to the book store and Starbucks later to do my last Christmas shopping and pick up a new agenda. The best part about the book store, is the starbucks there so I can get alllll the free coffee/tea as I browse.
Thursday and Friday were pretty bad food wise, as was this morning, but I'm back on track. I had to hurry for lunch as I was heading out to tutoring, but had a high protein pita with dried fruit, which almost added up to what I needed to eat for lunch. Then had a big bowl of protein oats for snack which made up for the small lunch. I'm going to make some sort of squash/broccolli/cauliflower wrap for dinner. I'm pretty excited. I really like getting back into the kitchen!
I'm also thinking of making some protein banana muffins tomorrow.
Hope you're all doing well.
If you haven't had a chance to check out my spoken word, here it is!
7 things I want you to know as you're staring into the toilet bowl.
Friday, January 8, 2016
The worst part is, I love it. I love my classes, my profs seem great, my depression and anxiety just seem to want to ruin me. If I hated school, I'd drop out and take the time to think about what I want to do. But that's not what's going on. I love it. I'm taking a reduced course load. And yet I still feel overwhelmed.
I don't know what to do. I just want to be okay and happy and motivated and determined again. I want to go back to the me that loved classes, loved life and loved myself. Not this collection of cells that fight each other day after day, half of them wanting to do and half of them wanting to live.
Thursday, January 7, 2016
Here's my new spoken word! I hope you all like it!
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
I really wanted to post this yesterday when I took the pictures. Unfortunately, my internet was being dumb so I had to wait until this morning.
I hope you all had a lovely day,
Monday, January 4, 2016
About half of you said you wanted a personal update so here goes!
First off, I am no longer in credit card debt, however in debt to my parents. I'm so grateful that they're so supportive and willing to pay off my debts so interest doesn't kill me, however I feel ashamed that I had to ask them. I was able to be 100% honest with them, and even admitted to shoplifting when I was desperate which is definitely something I never thought I'd admit to them.
School wise things are meh. I'm still coming to terms with having to take fewer courses even though I know its the right decision. I'm beating myself pretty hard for getting lower marks than I wanted last term, but I'm not engaging in behaviours because of them so that's good news. I'm kind of stuck between wanting to be proud of myself for what I did accomplish, but I also need to be real with myself. This is the real world. I need good grades for grad school. But I know that taking fewer courses will allow me to get those higher grades and bump my average up to where I want it.
Food wise, I'm doing really well. I did slip and binge and purge quite a bit over the break, however it was much less than I expected. I purged twice a day at the most and did have some clean days! Today looks like it will be the first clean day in a while and I'm really proud of that :)
Treatment wise, I finished two modules of DBT, but I don't know if the third module, interpersonal skills, will be offered soon. I learned quite a bit in DBT, but what helped me the most is the section on addiction. I have a new notebook where I record addict mind, clean mind and clear mind thoughts, and the skills from that section are really helping me. Treating my eating disorder as an addiction makes so much more sense to me than the more typical nutritional treatment. It also allows me to continue partaking in gymnastics and having an athletes diet.
Overall, things aren't bad. They did get very very dark in December, as they often do with exams and the holidays, but I've climbed out of that hole. I'm taking three really exciting math courses starting tomorrow and I'm really excited to get back into the school mode, but with less courses and thus less stress.
I also had a revelation today regarding my ED which put me in this positive mood. I'm gonna do a bodiposi post tonight and show off my new sports bras because I'm so excited and positive right now I want to share it with the world!
Stay strong everyone
Sunday, January 3, 2016
I haven't been able to think straight since the day you told me you loved me and everytime we kiss I swear it's magical but for some reason I still feel the need to cut my skin open and watch the blood stream out or stuff myself then rid myself of everything I have. I spent so long trying to prove that I didn't need anyone and I could do it all on my own and I failed time and time again and then I met you and things started looking up and before I knew it I was madly in love. This is great until you leave me, and don't say that you won't, because I know that I'm crazy and you deserve a human who doesn't break every time they fall and who's hair you can stroke without pulling out clumps. And one day you'll realize that and have your perfect ending and I'll be happy for you, I really will but what will happen to me?
Saturday, January 2, 2016
I'm definitely one of those people who put a lot of meaning into how the first day of the year goes. I also put meaning into how the first day of the month of week go, as well as how the first hour of my day goes.
My new years day was a bit strange. I woke up feeling great at my friends place, had a safe breakfast and enjoyed a mini pancake as a treat. I then went rock climbing for two hours and had a wonderful time challenging myself there. Then I came home, looked at a couple math articles, watched Netflix, binged and purged and slept.
To me that sounds like a wonderful day off. Yes I binged and purged. I had my dad's place to myself, so I had free food and it was an easy purge. I know I should feel bad, and not want to start off my year like that, but to be honest it felt good.
I don't really know what to make of that. I just enjoy this destructive behavior all too much to quit. I hate how it ruins my life, but while on vacation I don't have to face the consequences. Maybe I'll have a bit more motivation to get better once classes start.
Friday, January 1, 2016
Of seeing all the
Posts floating around
Facebook and Instagram
Telling me to let
This the year
I love myself.
Don't you think
That if I could
Just let that happen
I'm sick not stubborn
I don't starve
Myself to be pretty
But due to self hatred
Caused by an imbalance
Please stop telling me
To love myself this year
Because for me to feel
That way about myself
Will take a hell of a lot
More than just