Saturday, December 31, 2016

2017 goals

I'm setting goals instead of resolutions this year. It seems more realistic. If I mess up one day, the next day will come and I can try again. This isn't an all or nothing situation, it's about progress and becoming a better person, as supposed to being a better person over night. 

Academic goals
  1. Straight As
  2. Apply for graduate school
  3. Complete thesis

Lifestyle goals
  1. Go to the gym 5x a week
  2. Keep consistent sleep schedule
  3. Drink at most once per month
  4. Keep room clean

Eating related goals
  1. Quit purging
  2. Lose 10lbs
  3. Maintain new weight
  4. Eat consistently
  5. Quit purging
Other goals
  1. Perform slam poetry at an open mic
  2. Get involved in volunteering over the summer
  3. Visit family more


Bring it on 2017

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Last year's resolutions

These were last year's resolutions:

Health:
  • Reduce binging and purging to once a week
    • Did not achieve this goal but my binging and purging has reduced a lot since last year, so I am proud of my progress, and look forward to achieving this goal in 2017.
  • Journal and continue addiction treatment
      • Due to hallucinations, my treatment took a a turn and the focus was taken off of addiction work. Again, I hope that with my new meds I am able to go back to journaling and addiction treatment
    • Go to group every week
      • My group got cancelled but I managed to find other groups and went almost every week. Definite success with this resolution
    • No overdoses
      • Oops. 

    Personal: 
    • Don't let mental illness ruin my relationship
      • SUCCESS
    • Pay back my debts, or at least don't get into more debt
      • SUCCESS

    Education: 
    • Get straight A+ in courses
      • lol.... it was one of the worst years for me academically
    •  Get a good summer job
      • Unfortunately due to the bad academic standing this past year I was not able to get a good summer job, and ended up at a dead end job that worsened my mental health
    • Present my research at the Canadian Undergraduate Mathematical Conference
      • Did not have the time to get ready for this event, or have the money to go. But I did go to a two week intensive math summer school which I went to instead of this conference
    • Write my GRE
      • I'll be writing one in February 2017, and one in April 2017


    Best of 2016

    2016 has been a shit year for many, including myself. But great writing tends to emerge during difficult times. Here are what I consider to be my top 15 pieces from 2016.

    15. reflections from the hospital


    14. Days Weeks Months Years


    13. Why they need to get rid of atypical anorexia


    12. To the girl who thinks she's smarter than this


    11. #eatittobeatit


    10. This one's for the girl


    9. My depression is ugly


    8. Faking perfection


    7. Thinspo: video (no images, don't worry)


    6. How to help a suicidal friend


    5. Orthorexia


    4. 7 things I want you to know as you're staring into the toilet bowl


    3. A week with borderline personality disorder


    2. Counting down (link to buy my poetry book, one of my greatest accomplishments so far)


    1. Cat pictures (because my cat is the best thing that has happened to me this year)

    Wednesday, December 28, 2016

    Vacation

    I'm on vacation with the boyfriend for a few days. I feel so old being able to take a trip with my boyfriend. Just being free to do whatever we'd like. What we like to do is math, so our trip may not seem the most exciting to outsiders, but we're having the time of our lives.

    It's so nice to be out of our home environments. We're going to go for a long walk by the water today and I'm very excited. I'm trying not to care about what I'm eating - I'm on vacation and deserve to relax - but it's never as easy as it sounds. At least this long walk will burn some calories and put to rest some of my destructive thoughts.

    I have a few new poems coming out in the new year, they're just in the final editing stage.

    Hope your all having lovely holidays.

    Monday, December 26, 2016

    To the crisis workers

    Christmas Eve ended up being incredibly tough for me.

    After plugging away and getting through the day I started feeling incredibly sad that I was going to be alone on Christmas. Incredibly sad that I was too sick to go home. Just, incredibly sad.

    Around two I checked the bus schedule to see if I could get up north to see my dad. It was too late.

    I started drinking at 4. By six I was sad and drunk - not a good combination for me.

    I didn't want to do it, but I took sleeping pills, too many sleeping pills. I called our crisis line and they sent down an ambulance and a few police officers who specialize in mental health.

    I got in and out very quickly.

    I don't remember much. I remember asking the paramedic why so many people were there. I remember telling someone I didn't want to see psych. I remember drinking an orange ensure (which tasted like a creamscicle).

    I don't remember sending the incoherent messages to my boyfriend. I don't remember getting to and from the hospital. I don't remember taking a picture of my IV and posting it on instagram.

    The scary thing, is that slip up is making it so much more tempting to go back and OD again. But I know I can't do that. I need to surround myself with love and support. I can't let this depression win.


    So, to the crisis workers that worked Christmas Eve, thank you for keeping me safe.

    Wednesday, December 21, 2016

    Keeping busy

    I find one of the most difficult things about the holidays is keeping myself busy. If I don't the thoughts just wander every which way, and that's when I get into trouble.

    So I made a plan. A plan of what I'm going to do today.

    I'm starting off by going to the gym, then I'll pick up my books and notebooks for next term, pick up some litter, book a doctors appointment and head back home.
    After a shower, I'm going to head to the hospital to see a friend, and pick up his keys and go check on his cat.
    This busy morning will end with a big bowl of cookies and creme oats loaded with fruit.
    This afternoon I plan to make a Greek couscous salad, and start working on my first few assignments for the new term, as well as on my thesis.
    Then it's time to knit, drink and watch Gilmore Girls all evening.

    With borderline I get very impulsive. Not only do the dark thoughts roll in, but I start thinking about binging and purging, or spending all my money on things I don't need. My plan helps me. I have things to do, places to go and people to see. Getting outside helps fight the seasonal affective disorder, and being busy stops the impulsive and dark thoughts from getting in.

    To those of you who still have exams, good luck!

    Monday, December 19, 2016

    Suicide jokes

    I've headed up north to spend some time at my boyfriend's place for the holidays. I went to a big family gathering last night, and it was tough.

    One of the first things that was said to me was a joke about slitting my wrists.

    I'm quite guilty when it comes to making jokes about mental health. But I always do it when only with a receptive audience. My best friend and I will kid about our mental health a lot, because we both suffer from very similar mental illnesses and dark humor is one of our favorite coping strategies. I'd never make jokes to others though. You don't know what others are going through. And because of that, you should never make jokes unless you know it's okay with that person.


    Sunday, December 18, 2016

    Winter wonderland

    The weather here is absolutely terrific. Just below freezing and snowy. The packet wet snow that makes fantastic snowmen. I usually hate winter. But so far it hasn't been to cold or windy and I'm trying my best to be positive about the season. Seasonal affective disorder got nothing on me.

    My exams are finally over. I only had two but it felt like a thousand. I'm quite anxious to see my grades but I'm also trying to accept the fact that there isn't anything I can do at this point. I can look back and learn from the mistakes I've made this term but I can't change what happened.

    I'm off to do a little holiday celebrating with my boyfriend and his family. To be honest, I'm quite anxious. I don't know what food will be like, and I don't know how I'll handle it. I'm worried about what they think of me - they all know I was in hospital, but I don't know how much they know or what they think about that.

    I binged and purged this morning. I've almost given up on food. I'm going to try to get my act together tomorrow though. There's a party that I'm going to tonight and I don't know how well I'll cope, but tomorrow will be a new day. I'll be settled in at my boyfriend's place and I'll be able to find something that works for me. Tomorrow is Monday. Mondays are good days to start fresh.

    Now that exams are over, I'll be back updating you on my life and sharing my poetry, groceries and food journals almost daily.

    Good luck to all of you as we enter this holiday season.

    Friday, December 9, 2016

    Exhaustion

    I'm so tired. I've been sleeping countless hours every night, popping caffeine pills, drinking gallons of coffee and tea. Not only that, but I'm ridiculously irritable while I'm awake.

    My psychiatrist upped my anti depressants in case this is a symptom of my depression. But it doesn't feel like it. I've never really had symptoms like these due to my depression.

    I'm going to be sent to a sleep lab if this continuous into the new year. It definitely feels like there's something physically wrong with me.

    I'm really frustrated that my symptoms are being pushed aside because of my depression. It's as if they don't think I can be physically sick, they can just push my symptoms aside and blame it on my depression.

    I just wish there was a better short term solution. I have exams coming up in five days. I don't have time to be sleeping forever. I need to study. I feel completely worn out. I only have to make it through 8 more days though. I can do this.

    Wednesday, December 7, 2016

    Update

    It's been two weeks since I lasted blogged and my life has been pretty crazy since then. Exam season is upon us and it's a busy and stressful time.

    My recovery has been going alright. I don't know if I can continue with it though. I'm very tempted to fall back into the welcoming arms of bulimia. I feel safe there. Out of control at times, but safe. There's some sort of regularity with my life when I'm in the bulimia cycle. And I can ignore feelings and stress while binging and purging. I've made a restriction plan for tomorrow. I know restriction will lead to a binge purge cycle but it's all I want. I need that false sense of control and distraction during exams and to get through this holiday season.

    I'm not going home for the holidays. This was a tough, but ultimately the right, decision to make. Going home is always bad for me, and it is just better to avoid that situation. It does mean that I'm going to be alone on Christmas though. I'm thinking that I'll go to the movies, treat myself to a nice dinner out, put on a cute outfit, make a gingerbread house, and most likely get drunk to numb out the feelings. I want to do my best to have a positive day though. I might even make myself a stocking. I could buy myself little treats throughout the month and sew myself a stocking, and open it Christmas morning. Maybe I'll do that. Throw in some self care things, teas and stationary into a stocking, it would make me happy Christmas morning. My parents will be coming up to visit me, which will be nice because we'll be on my turf. I can set some ground rules so that things don't get too bad.

    I'm starting to feel the effects of seasonal depression. I feel sluggish, and have some suicidal ideations. I'm just so lonely. I don't want to be alone on Christmas but I don't feel like I have any other options. I can't sit through a Christmas dinner. I just can't. I wish I was healthy enough to have a Christmas with my family. I am safe though. I'm determined to not end up in the psych ER this holiday season like I have the past three years.

    Today was the last day of classes but I didn't go. I couldn't get myself to wake up for an 8:30 lecture. I've been having troubles with my sleep lately. I have been sleeping close to 16hrs a day, with 8-10 cups of coffee. My psychiatrist says it's depression, but I have never had symptoms like these, and I haven't had med changes in 4 months. She said she would prescribe stimulants except that it wouldn't be safe with my eating disorder. This is super frustrating. I ended up going to the drug store and buying over the counter diet pills that have a lot of caffeine. I'm pretty sure prescription stimulants would be safer than that.

    Things with the boy are still going well. I'm shocked that we've been together for almost a year and half. Whoever said that borderline patients can't have successful relationships can go fuck themselves. Yes we have our challenges, but we've been able to work through them. It takes a lot of openness and the courage to be vulnerable but it is doable. I never thought it would be, I resigned to having careless flings for a while, but this is so much better.

    I hope you've all had a positive start to December. I'll go back to posting daily, I've missed my blogger community.

    Friday, November 25, 2016

    Clean again

    Yesterday was tough. I had to get back on track after binging and purging Wednesday. But I did it!

    I had to do a lot of thought records and use my CBT journal to convince myself that one bad day doesn't mean I should give up on my goal of being clean.

    The day was okay, but the evening was tough. Thankfully my boyfriend was over so I had a 'babysitter'. I was up until midnight studying, and it's always the late nights that get me. When I'm up late studying I get so stressed over everything I have to do and it's just so overwhelming. The purging high gives me a little boost to keep on studying, and I didn't have that last night. I wanted to stay up a bit later and finish another set of notes, but it wasn't realistic, so I went to bed.

    I'm going to a "stitch and bitch" gathering tonight, and I hope this encourages me to get back into knitting. I'd love to knit some Christmas presents, and it's such a wonderful coping mechanism as it keeps my hands busy. Watching a movie and knitting is such a relaxing way to spend an evening but I often feel guilty for taking that time off of studying. But realistically, I need study breaks and that's a good way to take one.

    My weight has gone up a couple pounds, and I'm pretty upset about it, but I need to remind myself that a few pounds is a normal fluctuation and that I didn't gain any fat. My body is just adjusting to keeping food down, and learning to digest food properly again.

    I'm going to be okay.

    A couple pounds doesn't make me fat.

    Thursday, November 24, 2016

    What I ate Wednesday

    I feel as though I've let you guys down. I made a promise that I was going to be clean, that I was going to get better.

    I've let myself down.

    I binged and purged twice yesterday.

    I'm getting back on track today, but I'm really upset that this isn't day three of being clean. I'm starting back at day 1. But I'm not going to stop trying.


    Intake:

    • 1c cereal
    • 1/2c milk
    • 1 protein pancake
    • 5ish tbsp nutella
    • b/p
    • 1c oatmeal
    • 1 scoop protein powder
    • 1/2 frozen pizza
    • b/p




    Wednesday, November 23, 2016

    Clean: day 2

    Once again, a day where I didn't binge and purge.

    It's been a while since I've had two clean days in a row, but this is what hard work, dedication, and a shit tonne of support can do. I'm so grateful for my boyfriend who has been letting me sleep over at his house.

    It was a tough day, I'm not going to lie. I got a test back and received 31% so I was really wanting to binge and purge. I went home instead and talked it out with my roommate.

    I also went to a symposium on female athlete triad. There was a lot that I didn't know and it was really interesting, but also quite upsetting, as I have a lot of the symptoms and didn't realize. It's tough coming to terms that maybe I have more symptoms than I thought. Yes binging and purging is my main problem, but do I have problems with exercise as well? I never thought so because it's such a positive experience for me, but I also will compensate with exercise. I definitely need to focus on the binging and purging first, and if exercise helps me get through it, then I will use it as a coping mechanism. Once the binging and purging is under control I'll tackle my thoughts surrounding exercise.

    I also had a really good chat with my mom in the evening. I told her how I failed my test and how the thoughts were very overwhelming. She calmed me down and reminded me that the test won't affect my grade (my prof offers a 100% final). I also came clean to her about how bad my bulimia had gotten, and how hard it was to turn things around. I told her about how it felt as though I was in withdrawal and how hard it was to function. Again, she was extremely supportive. I've never confided that much in my mom so it felt really good to do so.

    Monday, November 21, 2016

    Clean: day 1

    I'd say it's day one of recovery if I was fully committed to eating fear foods, gaining weight, etcetera. But I'm not. Im simply determined to stop binging and purging. If this means I need to maintain my weight for a bit then so be it. Ideally though, once I'm clean for a bit I'll go back to trying to lose.

    Today was hard. The second my roommate left for her afternoon class the binge urges hit. I ended up barricading myself in my room watching Netflix until she came home. Once she was home I told her not to let me out of the house. I couldn't do anything. I felt like I was in withdrawal. I was shaking, anxious, tired but couldn't sleep, and unable to focus. I had two protein bars before gymnastics and had a light practice. I got dropped off at my boyfriend's so that I can essentially be babysat all night. I gave him my wallet so that I can't buy any food tomorrow until after class, when I'll get my daily clif bar after tutoring.

    All I'm hoping for at this point is that tomorrow is easier. All I want to do is binge and purge. The urges are so so high. But I must power through them.


    Trying

    Trying is really fucking hard.

    I decided to try this week. I spent a few hours last night cooking meals for the next seven days. I have stacked containers in my fridge filled with breakfasts, lunches, dinners and snacks. I'm going to do it this week.

    I'm sick of being sick, and tired of being tired.

    No one said it would be easy. But no one said it would be this fucking hard either.

    I spent an hour lying in bed literally shaking not knowing what to do with myself when I wanted to binge and purge. I'm now groggy on ativan and still want to binge and purge.

    But I can't. My roommate is my accountability.

    The thing is, I don't even want to binge and purge. But I need to. I crave the endorphin rush that comes with the large intake of sugar, and the dopamine rush after the purge. I don't know what else to do with myself. My back is sore from carrying these emotions around instead of flushing them down the toilet.

    Why is this so god damn hard.

    Saturday, November 19, 2016

    Midterm

    I failed my first midterm on Thursday. I haven't gotten my score back yet, but I didn't answer enough questions properly to pass.

    I was devastated. I spent Thursday evening binging and purging, and then sobbing into my boyfriend's shoulder.

    I wanted to drop the course. I wanted to drop everything and get a 9-5 job that doesn't require a university degree. But that's not what I really want.

    I really want to get an A in this class. And with the option of a 100% final, I can still achieve this. I can't spend my time sulking - I need to start studying seriously. I'm in control of how my future pans out and I'm going to make sure it pans out the way I want it to.


    Thursday, November 17, 2016

    What I ate Wednesday

    As I work on quitting binging and purging, my therapist encouraged me to go back to keeping a journal to keep myself accountable for what I'm eating, and how often I'm binging and purging.

    I thought I'd share my food journal with you every Wednesday.

    So, yesterday I ate:


    • 1c yogurt and berries
    • 1 clif bar
    • Diet hot chocolate and a candy cane
    • 1/2 cup egg whites with 1 tbsp pesto
    • 1 grande skinny mocha
    • 4 vector protein bars
    • NO BINGES OR PURGES!!!
    All of this came to about 1600 calories. I'd like to point out that I LOST on this many calories. I'm currently trying to maintain, and I wanted to point out how many calories your body requires. 


    Tuesday, November 15, 2016

    stigma

    I've been asked why all my poetry is about mental health.

    I write about mental illness because it has almost killed me.
    I write about mental illness because it might still kill me.
    I write about mental illness for those who can't.
    But most of all, I write about mental illness because of the stigma.

    Don't try to tell me that the stigma is gone. Don't tell me the stigma is gone when my prof rolled his eyes when I told him that I couldn't finish my assignment on time because of a major depressive episode. Don't tell me the stigma is gone when the crisis worker I was talking to shuffled backwards when I mentioned my borderline personality disorder. Don't tell me the stigma is gone when my old housemate told me I couldn't be anorexic because I have meat on my bones. Don't tell me the stigma is gone when my academic adviser told me that university is supposed to be stressful and I just need to get over my anxiety.

    It's the stigma that causes so many to not seek help. People are dying from illnesses that can be managed with ongoing treatment because they're too embarrassed to seek help. People are dying from illnesses that can be managed with ongoing treatment because they can't afford the treatment. My provincial insurance covers medical doctors but not therapists. Try telling me the stigma is gone when treatment for cancer is covered but treatment for depression isn't.

    The only time my therapy was covered by provincial insurance was when I was in a locked ward. Think about that for a second. My therapy was only covered when I was locked away from society. As if they only wanted to help me when I couldn't run wild. Tell me again that the stigma is gone, when it assumed that humans with mental illnesses are a danger to society when the statistics show that someone who suffers from mental illness is more likely to be a victim of a violent crime then to be the perpetrator.

    When considering taking time off of school to go to treatment, my social worker asked me if I would take time off school if I had cancer.
    Of course, I replied.
    Then why are you treating this any differently?
    Because I'm scared of what grad schools will think if I take time off for mental illness.

    Tell me again that the stigma is gone.
    I dare you.

    Saturday, November 12, 2016

    Orthorexia

    It started with lunch, whole grain bread, skinless chicken and spinach sandwiches. Fruit flavored yogurt as desert. Hitting all four food groups with one perfectly balanced meal, before going out for a 10 mile run.
    Dinner was brown rice, broccoli and salmon., with a smoothie on the side.

    Common meals that nutritionists eat, hitting those 7 servings of fruit and veggies every day. Getting recipes from Pinterest, and smiling as I indulged in a burger every so often.

    I heard somewhere that it was healthier to be a vegetarian, and I really like animals, so I cut out red eat then chicken the fish. My lunch became whole grain bread, eggs and spinach. dinner was brown rice, broccoli and tofu. Things were good. I could eat work and play, running 12 miles a day. I felt healthier and knew I wasn't hurting animals.

    Turns out that all animal products are bad, and cows and chickens are tortured for milk and eggs, so I said bye to the yogurt and cheese and the eggs. I was being healthier right? And saving the world at the same time. Everyone looked up to me, my discipline, my health, my care for the planet. I was down to running 8 miles per day but I was unstoppable. I was eating my whole grain bread, more than seven servings of fruits and vegetables a day and almond milk has the same nutrients as cow milk right?

    That was all well and good until I found out gluten was bad because now I'm eating oatmeal with berries three times a day, and dry leaves on a plate when I go out with friends. I'm making cakes that taste like chalk from recipes off of Pinterest, but the girls posing beside the cake look so happy and radiant so if I eat the same things I'll look the same way, right?  My friend's are annoyed cause I can't have a beer but that's okay because alcohol slows down my five mile runs.

    Did you know that humans used to only eat raw, and that's better for you because the nutrients don't get cooked out. And I swear it's possible to eat normally with only raw foods, using zucchini as pasta, and you can make your own granola out from seeds and agave. It takes me a couple hours to prepare every meal, so I have to work from home, and I can never go out to eat, so I never go out with friends. I finish my three mile run with a cup of green tea to fully detoxify my body. I'm broke because of the money I'm spending on dates, and no one wants to take me out on a date, because what do you do with a girl who won't eat anything?

    I'm scared to even touch something I can't eat. What if the unhealthiness seeps into my skin. I don't trust others to not cover my food with lard, and I can't have someone watch me eat. I only eat at my white kitchen table scrubbed clean before and after every meal. I haven't gotten my period in month but that's good because I no longer have to take birth control and artificial hormones are bad. I take three times the recommended dose of Omega 3 but my hair is still falling out. I've cut anything processed, anything not pure. I've cut out animals, gluten, fat, friends, family, love, happiness and life. I'm only living for the next meal. I'm terrified of that brown rice, broccoli and salmon dinner I used to have.

    I don't run like I used to, I can barely walk a mile, so I lay down in bed and wonder what the hell happened to me.

    Wednesday, November 9, 2016

    Grocery haul - November 8th

    Finally got out of my b/p cycle enough to do some solid grocery shopping. I'm really grateful I have my family helping me out financially - otherwise I wouldn't be able to afford these groceries. When my house is stocked up with healthy food, I binge and purge way less than I would otherwise.


    Maple French toast bagels - they looked to good to resist!!

    Egg whites

    Skim milk






















    Special K, pudding and granola bars
    Raspberry and vanilla yogurt



















    Veggies! Lettuce, cucumber, celery, cauliflower



















    Vegan burgers!

    Donald Fucking Trump

    I don't like getting too political on this blog. This is a blog to express how I feel, what it's like to go through life with an eating and personality disorder, and for me to share positive or negative things that have happened in my life.

    But today is different.

    Today I'm scared.

    I'm a Canadian and I'm scared.

    I'm a white Canadian and I'm scared.

    Most of my fears are anticipatory, and I know that many Americans who are visible minorities have much more to fear, but that doesn't make my fears any less valid. I want to help, I want to invite all my American friends to live in my house, I want to go personally save every person of colour, every member of the LGBTQ community, and every woman. But there is so little I can do.


    On a more personal level, I've been feeling extremely angry, depressed, anxious and unmotivated since the election was called. Why? Because it has been my dream for 10 years to study at Berkeley. To get accepted to UC Berkeley's Ph.D. math program. To work with the top mathematicians, in beautiful city, in a wonderful state.
    But what would happen if I went now? Would I get shot for going to a gay bar? Would I get arrested for seeking mental health help? I don't want to live in a country where there's even a chance of those things happening. I don't want to live in a country where everyone owns a gun, and school shootings are daily news.
    But I've had this vision. Of me on the beach doing math. Of me studying at one of the top universities. Me being able to look back and say I've made it. I've been dreaming about this for years, and I've finally made it.
    I may never have the opportunity to live out these dreams now. And I know that I'll make new dreams, and new plans and I'm sure I'll find something that will make me feel just as proud, but right now, my reason to study, my reason to live, is drifting away.


    Obviously, me not being able to go to Berkeley is minor compared to what may happen to the world. But I'm still allowed to feel this way. I'm still allowed to be upset. One of the things I've learned over the past three years of therapy, is that no matter how minor your problem may seem in the grand scheme of things, you're allowed to feel how you feel. You're allowed to be upset over what is happening to you, as long as you stay mindful about the magnitude of the issue.
    So I'm going to feel. I'm going to be upset that my dream is being ripped away. But I'm also going to accept. Right now, there's nothing I can do but wait and see what happens.

    Sending love and warm hugs to anyone being negatively affected by this election in any way.

    Tuesday, November 8, 2016

    Playing hooky

    My doctor has decided that I need to be weighed once a month to make sure my weight is somewhat stable.

    Firstly, if my doctor wants to make sure my weight is stable she should really be weighing me weekly.. my weight fluctuations are so dramatic, that in this month alone, I've gained 10 pounds and lost 4. To my doctor that will just look like I've gained 6 pounds, which she would probably be happy about.

    But that's beside the point. I find getting weighed by my doctor extremely triggering. My fucked up eating disorder brain tells me that she'll only care if I'm losing weight. That I have to be underweight for her to care. The problem is, I have evidence to support this. She started paying a lot more attention to me when I lost weight. All of a sudden, she was concerned about me missing my period, isolating myself, ordering blood work and EKGs. I always try to lose weight before my doctors appointments because of this.

    Yesterday, when I woke up and had gained a pound from the day before, I decided there was no way I was going in. Instead, I lied in bed all day pouting because I had gained weight. Usually I would go to my doctor and talk through these feelings, but I couldn't stand the idea of being weighed.

    I see my psychiatrist on Thursday, and I'm sure I'll get into trouble for skipping yesterday's appointment. And she'll most likely weigh me. But at least that gives me two more days to lose....

    Friday, November 4, 2016

    And so eat I will

    It's Friday. I've made it through yet another week. Things aren't going too well academically.  I'm behind in all my courses, and my grades are about 30% lower then where they need to be. I'm starting to worry that I'm not made out for a career in mathematics. What if I'm just not smart enough? What if I just don't have it in me?

    I'm trying to push aside these thoughts. If I believe them then I'll make them true. I'm going back to the basics. Studying my ass off. Working harder than ever. If I want this badly enough I can obtain it. I just need to fight.

    I have two goals: be an elite gymnast, and be a professional mathematician.

    These means I need to dream mathematics, bleed gymnastics and eat. Eat good food and keep it all down. My brain needs fuel and so does my body. I need to beat this bulimia. If I can't do that, I won't be able to do anything else.

    I need to fight for my dreams. And to do so I must eat. And so eat I will.

    Wednesday, November 2, 2016

    Sleep

    Today was a bust. I kept one of my five commitments. I binged and purged three times, and had to go to my boyfriend's for dinner to make sure it stayed down.

    I'm just finding myself being so tired, and I know why. My sleep hygiene is complete crap right now. I'm staying up late, sleeping in, taking naps, sleeping in places other than my bed. It's a mess.

    My first step to getting back on track is to fix my sleep hygiene. I will take my sleeping meds at 10. I will be in bed by 10:30 and asleep by 11. I'll wake up at 6:30 every morning. And I'll do whatever I have to do to not nap.

    After a week of doing this, I'm going to start working on reducing my caffeine intake. I made the mistake of buying diet pills, which are filled with caffeine, and I've been taking several times the recommended dose every day, so caffeine has virtually no effect on me anymore.

    Once my sleep hygiene and caffeine intake are under control, I think the eating will improve. At least, I hope it will. Whether or not it does though, having good sleep hygiene is good for other aspects of my mental health as well, so I'm going to keep working on it.

    Monday, October 31, 2016

    'healthy'

    I've had some pretty major weight fluctuations over the past month. I lost about 10 lbs over September, and gained them back in October. All these weight fluctuations make gymnastics quite difficult, as I'm not as in touch with my body.

    I mentioned this to my training partner today, and she told me that when she saw me a month ago she was quite concerned and that I look much better now. I *know* that she doesn't mean that I look fat now, but that's the only way my brain knows how to take a comment like that.

    looking better = looking healthier = looking fatter

    I know logically this isn't true. But my brain still believes it.

    My body image has gone down drastically as I gained back these ten pounds. I felt a lot better about my body ten pounds ago, and would really like to be at that weight again. But I don't want to look sick. I just want to like what I look like and not cause the rest of the world to panic over my weight. Why is that so difficult?

    Cat pictures

    I named my cat Prozac, because both Prozac and my cat make me happy.



















    Sunday, October 30, 2016

    Don't let the statistics tell you otherwise.

    I never thought I'd find someone who cares about me like you do. Someone who will hold my hand and tell me everything will be okay when I felt as though the sky was falling. Someone willing to visit me when I'm locked inside a hospital room. Someone willing to talk to me, when all I could talk about is death.

    They say that borderlines can't have successful relationships, that we're doomed for life. Well, I'm proving you wrong. I always believed in this myth, getting myself into destructive relationships, breaking up and getting back together time and time again, ending up hating and loving my partner simultaneously, making me feel as though my life is a tornado of emotions.

    I found someone better. Someone who makes me believe that I can get my life back on track. Someone who makes me believe that I have a chance of making it in this world. Someone who believes in happiness and love.

    I'm not going to lie and say that happy successful relationships are easy to obtain. They're hard. You need to work at it, and so does your partner. But it can work. It means having the hard conversations. Talking about the way you feel. Explaining what your disorder makes you believe and why you can't always function the way you would like to.

    But it's possible.

    You can find true love.

    Don't let the statistics tell you otherwise.

    Saturday, October 29, 2016

    Halloween

    The past few weeks have been rough. Tonight my roommate and I are hosting a low key Halloween party. I'm pretty nervous about it to be honest. We made chocolate bark which is super yummy but I'm so scared that it's going to be triggering. I'll be wearing a tight dress, and be surrounded by people and chocolate. I'm nervous I'm going to end up binging and purging.
    I'm really proud of myself for putting myself out there and being more social, but I'll I want to do is curl up in a ball.

    Time for nap.

    Thursday, October 27, 2016

    Update

    It's been a while since I've written, and let you know how I've been doing.

    Things have been okay... well not really okay, but I've been getting by. My depression, impulsivity and dissociation as increased a fair bit over the past couple weeks.

    I got a 60% on my real analysis (upper year math) test a couple weeks ago and it triggered a downward spiral. I stopped getting out of bed at the same time every day, stopped being consistent with my medication, let my eating disorder. I know having symptoms isn't my fault and that being sick isn't my fault, but at one point, it's my decision whether or not I decide to engage in self care. I wasn't filling in my CBT journal, so I was letting my thoughts go while and not reframing them. I wasn't tracking my eating patterns so I didn't know what to work on to improve them. I wasn't training effectively, so I got injured.

    I know that getting a 60% on an upper year math course doesn't mean I'm stupid. It means I'm passing a fourth year math course. Which is tough to do. But I also need to accept reality. A 60% will not get me into grad school. I need to work my ass off to improve my marks. Which means focusing on school. School must be my first priority. That means I need to prioritize school over losing weight (as I mentioned in my last post).

    My roommate is doing a lot better. She's no longer overdosing or hurting herself, and she overcame her restricting lapse. She's still struggling, but I no longer am worried about her all the time.

    I have four tutoring clients right now, and quit my kitchen job. This is so much better for me than working in a kitchen ever was. I love tutoring and feel so good about helping others, while making money. It's enough to support me, and even get a bit of extra money (assuming I don't spend it all on binge food).

    My boyfriend and I are still going strong. In fact, we had a few really good conversations, and things are better than ever. It's hard to think that he might be on the other side of the world next year, but we're taking things day by day, enjoying the time we have together.

    Although the last few weeks have been tough, I really feel like I can turn things around. I started off sleeping in and not having my planned breakfast, but I've really turned things around. I'm at my desk, showered, studying and blogging, and heading off to tutor in five minutes.

    I hope you're all doing well. I haven't been keeping up with you all with all my midterms, but after my last one tomorrow, I'll be sure to catch up on everything that I missed!

    I love you all

    weight

    I've decided I need to maintain.

    I've been spending a lot of time trying to lose over the past couple weeks, and all it's done is increase my b/p tendencies, distract me from school and make me absolutely miserable. I'm at a weight I'm content with. I'm not happy, but I'm content. My muscle tone is showing more and more as I continue my gymnastics training. I can't let weight loss be my priority.

    In an ideal world, I'd be able to lose weight, ace school and be an elite athlete. That's not possible. I need to prioritize. My first priority is school. My second is gymnastics. And if losing weight gets in the way of either of those I'm going to need to stop.

    This is me trying. No I'm not magically recovering. No, I'm not going to stop engaging in behaviours. But this is my trying. This is me trying to get back on track with life, not with weight loss. This is me harm reducing. Don't say I need to do more. Don't say I need to gain, or exercise less or eat a bigger variety of food. Let me do me. This is me trying.

    Saturday, October 22, 2016

    Recovering from reading week

    I was excited for reading week this year. I was expecting to rest, read, study and workout. It was going to be great.

    I was going to be all caught up on courses, back to a solid sleep schedule, my caffeine intake reduced and be all set to go last Monday when my school resumed.

    I found the opposite happened. My depression worsened. I had no reason to get out of bed, so I didn't get out of bed. I was staying in bed until the early afternoon every day. I studied, but not much. And when I did study, I was distracted and not productive about it.

    I need the regularity of school. I need to get up and have things to do every day. I need to have a lot on my plate so that I continue to get things done in a productive matter.

    I found last week, my first week back at classes after reading week, to be a tough one. I only made it to half my classes. Not only that, but I only made it to the gym once, and instead of studying when I wasn't at the gym, I slept. I spent a lot of time sleeping. I got into the habit of sleeping over 12 hours a day, so when school started again, I was still sleeping over 12 hours a day.

    The problem with weekends is that they're like mini reading weeks.
    Two days where you don't have to leave the house, don't have class, don't have medical appointments and don't have gymnastics training. Even though that's true, I still have to leave the house to get fresh air, I still need to study, I still need to take care of myself and I still need to workout.

    I'm working on planning out my weekends better. I have tutoring sessions both today and tomorrow so I have to get out of bed to go work. I got up this morning and went to Starbucks to study. My roommate and I are going to go to the gym together so that we have accountability. Then, I'm hauling my bum to the library to study somewhere were I can't get away with climbing into bed and watching netflix.

    The problem with reading week this past semester, is not only did I not catch up, I got a week behind with my week of not going to class. But I'm going to catch up. I have no other choice. So this girl is going to do it.


    Friday, October 21, 2016

    protein bars

    This blog post is going to be mostly me ranting about my love hate relationship with protein bars. I will be posting a blog post where I give my review of protein bars over the weekend, but for now I'm just going to rant. I'm in a complaining mood.

    OKAY. So protein bars cost about a million dollars a box, and 2 million dollars if you buy them individually. So me, trying to be financially responsible, buys protein bars in boxes. But then I binge on them. And I can't purge them because they cost a million dollars. And they have protein, and I need the protein in my diet. But it was still a binge and I'll hate myself for it for the next week.

    Now you're probably thinking, okay Niqi, just don't fucking binge on your protein bars. But when I don't keep binge food in the house, they're the closest thing I have to chocolate bars and so they become my binge food.

    And thus, I have to buy my protein bars individually. And spend more money that I don't have.

    *sigh*


    Thursday, October 20, 2016

    Exposure

    I'm back in the children's hospital where I was first admitted for my depression and suicidal thoughts. It's strange. I'm not here because I'm sick (even if I was I can no longer be treated here as I'm an adult) but to participate in a medical study.

    For some reason I'm a lot more anxious then I was expecting to be. My heart is pounding in my chest and I'm shaking. I'm getting flashbacks from when my stepmom was sick which is quite common for me in hospitals, but I'm getting flashbacks from my admission three years ago. This has never really happened to me.. but I'm remembering the locked doors, the awful groups and the tears. I really was at my worst.

    Being here is bringing back those feelings of intense sadness anger and loneliness. I'm remembering my parents faces as they cried because their baby girl wanted to die.

    I want to bolt. To not partake in this study. It's completely voluntary and I can leave if I wish. But this is good for me. Although I'm being bombarded with feelings and anxious as hell I'm safe. I'm grounding myself and reframing my thoughts. Exposure is good for me, and I will fight through these feelings.

    Monday, October 17, 2016

    Tomorrow

    It's so easy to say.
    I'll start tomorrow. Tomorrow will be the day.

    But this time I'm serious. I will continuously improve. I will overcome this bulimia. I'll be healthy, I'll be strong, I'll be smart I'll be powerful.

    I'll be my own inspiration.

    It starts with my eating. Healthy clean food makes me feel good and reduces the binging and purging. Yogurt, berries, bananas, peanut butter, protein powder, greens.
    Then comes the exercise. Gymnastics four times a week. Cardio three times a week. At least. More if possible. But I need to have extra protein shakes to have the energy to workout this much.
    Then comes school. With the confidence I will have from positive eating and exercise, I'll be ready to attack the math. I'll write a kick ass thesis. Ace homework assignments.

    I'm going to rock it.

    But first sleep.

    "Let her sleep. For when she wakes, she will move mountains"

    Saturday, October 15, 2016

    How to support a suicidal friend

    1. Listen to them
    They feel lost. Things that used to cause them enjoyment seem insignificant to them. Listen to them talk about it. Yes, it may be a "depressing conversation", but they need people to listen. They need away to let their feelings out in a non self destructive way. They need someone to listen and to try to understand that isn't their therapist.

    2. Be there. 
    Whether you're studying beside them in silence, gossiping about whatever else is going on, helping them make a life plan, or lending a shoulder to cry on, just be there. Meet them after class with a coffee. Sometimes they just need someone in the same room to remind them that they aren't alone. Let them hermit when they need to, but be a constant reminder that someone loves them, someone understands them, and that someone genuinely wants to be around them.

    3. Invite them out
    No matter how many times they say no, keep on inviting them out. It feels worse to not be invited than to say no. Encourage them to partake in things you do to help your mental health. Walk to starbucks to get fresh air, go to the gym to get endorphins, take them out to lunch. Hygiene, exercise and nutrition tend to disappear when one is feeling suicidal, so partaking in activities that encourage these with them is a great way to get outside, help them, and also help yourself.

    4. Accept that you aren't in control
    You can't always be there. You need to sleep, you have appointments, you have school or work. You can't control what your friend does or think. You can help. You can reinforce positive thoughts and encourage them to get help, but at the end of the day it is their decision. Do not pressure them into making empty promises or to get treatment they aren't ready for. Leave that for medical professionals. It's upsetting to say, but if you have a suicidal friend, they might attempt, and it might be successful. It is not your fault. It is not their fault. It is depression's fault. Do what you can't but accept that you can't fix the situation.

    5. Have the tough conversations
    If they're on meds, should their meds be in their room? This is more applicable if you live with your friend, but should you be holding on to their meds. Are there any signs you should look out for, and what should you do to help if you notice these signs? Ask them if they're getting help. It isn't your job to make them get help, but have your friend be honest with you as to what steps they're taking.

    6. Make the tough decisions
    Is your friend completely uncontrollable and you're worried about their safety? If you know that they need to go to the hospital, you need to make the decision to call the paramedics or the police. If you feel comfortable taking them, then take them. Did you find your friend passed out beside a bottle of pills, or asleep and bleeding? Call 911. They might hate you for a bit. But they'll thank you after, and understand why you did it.

    7. Take care of yourself
    It's not your job to take them. It's your job to take care of you. If you're texting each other but you need to go to bed, let them know they can keep on talking to you and you'll read the messages in the morning. If you can't visit them in the hospital because of bad hospital anxiety, call them. If they're triggering your mental illness, let them know gently, and steer the conversation in an other direction. Feed yourself. Sleep. Go to the gym. You're friend will get better.

    Food plan

    After reading your responses to my Diets and Bulimia I have set up a new meal plan. There are rules. I feel as though I need rules to get through the day without binging and purging.

    Today's meal plan looks like this:
    Breakfast: banana, PB2, chocolate milk, coffee
    Lunch: breakfast burrito (tortilla shell, egg whites, salsa and lettuce)
    Snack: oats with  Arbonne protein powder.
    Dinner: spaghetti sqash sweet potato stir fry on a bed of lettuce and cucumber

    The idea is that I only eat foods that make me feel good and confident. As the binging and purging reduces I'll increase more food into my meal plan. I also always set up my meal plan the night before so I have a guideline. I say guideline because I will change it if I feel like something different, but I have a basis for what I can eat if I don't know where to start.

    I often have a fifth snack because I go to the gym, and I need to have extra to compensate for that. A typical post workout snack would be a smoothie made with chocolate milk, banana and protein powder, or a bowl of oats with protein powder.

    Friday's are 'free' days. By this I mean I challenge myself to eat intuitively without a plan. Yesterday it led to two binge/purge sessions, but as time goes on I'll get better and better at it.

    Thursday, October 13, 2016

    Diets and bulimia

    Sometimes I wonder if being on a strict diet would help my bulimia. I just started a new diet that I've wanted to try out, filled with safe foods and protein.

    The problem is, this new diet I'm on involves calorie restriction. Is this really a good idea? It's light restriction, and only net calories count, so I can exercise loads and eat more appropriately. It's only been a couple of days, but it has helped. I'm binging and purging less and feel a lot more in control over my intake.

    I had my roommate hide some of her food in my room. I often steal her food when I'm in binge mode, so I had her keep the food I tend to steal safely tucked away in her room so that I don't get that temptation.

    I went grocery shopping yesterday. I want to go back to posting my grocery haul every week, but this won't start until November as I have no money right now, and food to last me the month.

    What are your thoughts on diets as a recovery method for bulimia? Are they a good idea or not?

    Psychiatry appointment

    I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today and it went extremely well!

    She congratulated me on not binging and purging since Monday (I'm on day three!!), as well as not engaging in other behaviours such as cutting.

    I really am getting better, I'm on an upward slope right now.

    We discussed how I really have to be careful about taking my meds at the same time every day. Two days ago I took my meds in the afternoon instead of the morning and I felt really low and my urges were high yesterday. I managed to fight through though, which means that non only are my meds working better, my coping strategies have improved a lot.

    I'm struggling with flashbacks of my mom getting very angry as well as my stepmom being in the hospital. I'm having a really hard time dealing with those, but I've been using my ativan and thought records ground myself. Since it's reading week I've also been taking a lot of naps to ignore life, which is one thing I'll need to stop doing come next week.


    Tuesday, October 11, 2016

    You can't pour from an empty cup

    It's hard to remember this sometimes.
    The past few days have been tough. My best friend attempted suicide again. She told me shortly afyer her overdose and we went to the hospital and she's medically stable. She's going to be okay.

    I have no doubt in her ability to fight these demons as she's one of the strongest women I know. But she doesnt know that right now.

    Im doing my best to be a good support. But my past trauma with hospitals has been brought up in therapy recently and so flashbacks have been strong. She's still hooked up to machines and getting fluids so that repetitive beeping sound is loud when I visit her. I want to be there, to stay with her, but I get flashbacks so damn quickly and can't function myself.

    I know I need to distance myself from the hospital for a bit. And my friend will be home today. But it makes me feel like an awful friend not being able to be there with her.  I'm on my way to see her and drop off some stuff for her. I'm going to have to be assertive and tell her I need to go home, but it's such a hard thing to do. I'm no use to her though if mg flashbacks send me spiraling back into a pit of darkness.

    Monday, October 10, 2016

    World mental health day Facebook post










    Today is #worldmentalhealthawarenessday

    Mental illnesses are life threatening conditions that have caused me  and many others several hospitalizations, treatment programs and medications. What's even worse is that many individuals don't have access to treatment because of the stigma or lack of finances.

    I'd like to take this opportunity to talk about medication. Below is a picture of the medication I have to take daily for my mental illness. Yes it's a lot. No it's not big pharma trying to take advantage of me. Finding the right medication has changed my life and this drug cocktail is what's keeping me alive.
    I've seen many people talk about how exercise, healthy eating and all sorts of other things are natural anti-depressants. And this can be true to some extent. But when there is a chemical imbalance in your brain, you need medication that will help fix that imbalance.

    I'd like to thank everyone who's stuck by me over the past three years of hospitalizations, relapses, ups and downs. It hasn't been an easy three years, but I'm glad I'm still here to talk about it. I personally suffer from borderline personality disorder, bulimia, depression and anxiety. If you have an questions about any of these illnesses or my experience with them please ask.

    Money part 2

    So .. I spent more money. Oops.

    Is it an oops though? I bought two bras that actually fit - something I haven't had since the start of my eating disorder, and hence since the beginning of my bra wearing experience. My weight fluctuations have always been too drastic to buy proper fitting bras. I went to Victoria's secret and finally got measured after years of guessing my bra size.

    I now have two bras that fit, and three that are close to fitting - old bras that are close to my current size.

    I also bought socks. With winter coming I desperately needed socks. Should I feel guilty for all this shopping? I feel almost out of control. I guess I'm going to have to get back in control because I only havr two dollars left in my bank account.

    Saturday, October 8, 2016

    Money

    I finally have some!

    ... well not really, my tuition isn't fully paid. But my student loans finally arrive so I feel less stressed about my financial situation.

    Of course, being the irresponsible little shit I am, I went out shopping. I didn't do too much damage; $100 spent at the nutrition store (which included a huge container of protein powder), $40 spent on new running shoes (which were desperately needed), and $30 spent on things for my cat.

    It was nice to get a bit of retail therapy in, especially when I was buying things that were between wants and needs. I don't need protein powder, but I need food. I don't need a scratching post for Prozac, but I do need a box spring that isn't ruined. And, I don't need new shoes, but I need to stop getting injured.

    It's the start of my reading week - which means the start of 11 whole days of unstructured time. I'm worried about the binging and purging increasing but I'm hoping I can keep myself in check with exercise, studying and relaxing. I want to re-read all the Harry Potter books over the next 11 days. I have a few letters to write, some to my pen-pals, some to the government.

    To all the Canadians out there - happy Thanksgiving weekend! I hope the food and family situation doesn't get you too stressed out.


    Thursday, October 6, 2016

    New therapist

    I had my first session with my new therapist yesterday and it went incredibly well. I have to say, we did a lot more than I expected us to and actually made some treatment plans.

    His way of treating bulimia isn't the typical eating disorder treatment method. He goes by harm reduction and treating the binge eating. If I can stop the binge eating the cycle will stop. He's okay with me cutting certain foods out of my life because all I do is binge on them. Having some of my roommates food locked away because I tend to steal it is okay.

    If I never eat chocolate again, that would be okay. It wouldn't be good, but it would be okay. If I binge and purge on chocolate for the rest of my life that wouldn't be okay.

    Right now I have what he calls bad problems. Let's replace them with something else. If what we replace them with becomes another problem we'll deal with that then. But the idea is changing the destructive behaviours into less destructive behaviours.

    He's very supportive of me using my gymnastics as motivation and turning towards healthy eating and exercise as a way for me to overcome my bulimia, which I'm very excited about. It seems more realistic to me than dropping gymnastics, and eating fear foods all the time.

    We'll see how it goes, but it's off to a good start.

    Wednesday, October 5, 2016

    Fitbit-orexia

    Fitbits have gone from being something athlete's wear in order to specialize their training and diets, to a fashion accessory that everyone - from my slightly active family members, to my therapist - are wearing.

    But why? 

    In most cases, calorie counting is the wrong way to go about dieting. Healthy eating choices, being aware of hunger cues and moderate exercise is the current recommended method to lose weight (if weight loss is needed). It seems that individuals at their set point weights are trying to lose more weight in order to be thin, thinking that thin is synonymous with health. 

    Thin and healthy are very different things. In fact, many elite athletes are less 'healthy' than a moderately active individual, due to the strain they put on their body to be at the top of their sport. Looking up to fitness models as inspiration is not the same as looking up to health. Trying to sculpt out a specific body type is actually quite destructive, leading to poor body image. 

    What do Fitbits have to do with this?

    Many behaviors of those who use Fitbits are similar to eating disorder symptoms. These include: 
    • Calorie counting
    • Tracking food intake
    • Tracking exercise
    • Over exercising
    • Restricting food intake
    • Making up for overeating with excessive exercise
    • Having weight loss competitions
    We've been tricked by marketing companies that these are good behaviors That these behaviors make us stronger and healthier. They don't. They encourage disordered eating patterns. These behaviors can trigger eating disorders in those who are genetically pre-dispositioned.

    There's also the issue of trusting these little devices. Many get very attached to the number they see on their Fitibit. Whether it be how many calories they burned, how many calories they ate, or how many steps they took. How do you know that this is accurate? Waving your arm around makes the device think you took more steps.

    When it comes to fitbits, my first thought is of how destructive they can be. I see why they would be helpful in some situations, but I don't think that's the general case. I especially don't think that fitbit competitions should be a part of the system.

    If you're planning on getting a fitbit, make sure you're doing it for the right reasons, and that you don't start sliding down a very slippery slope. 

    Sunday, October 2, 2016

    Promises

    It hurts to know that I can't promise you my existence. That I can't look you in the eye, and guarantee that I'll never self destruct again. It hurts to know that you have to worry about this.

    If I were me all the time, you'd have nothing to worry about, because when I am me I know that the storm will pass and the rainbow will appear. It's the demon, the dark ghost haunting my lungs, suffocating me from the inside out tearing at my throat letting go only when my head is in the toilet.
    She always comes back after, catching me from behind, yanking my arms and pulling me back into hell. She starts to whisper. Quietly at first. Hinting towards my razor blade. I lock myself in the safety of my room but demons can pass through closed doors. I cling to my bed but the force is too much. I start to hear screams. And next thing I know I find myself paralyzed in the shower, red stained water flowing down the drain.

    I hide. You can't see blood stains on my dark purple blanket so I curl up inside. I worry, because the next time you see me, you'll see more darkness than I wish. You'll see the scars the demon has left.

    It hurts me. It hurts to see your face when you see my thighs, the sadness in your eyes when you look up and ask me when it happened. It hurts to feel the lump in your heart as you hold me so closely acting strong just for me.


    Some tv show is being played on my computer in the hopes that my speakers are louder than her voice. Her voice is meaner today. She's yelling at me from behind the walls and no one else can hear her but I swear that she's their please believe me. I start to get angry and decide that today's the day, the day that the demon lives no more. I'm not myself anymore. I'm a murderer. My only goal is make the demon suffer the same way she made me suffer. I drown her in acetaminophen.

    I wake up. I'm myself again and realize that the demon is within me and that I've poisoned myself. I lay in a different bed with needles in my arms. I watch as people come in and out. I get asked questions and I try to explain that I didn't want to hurt myself I wanted to hurt the demon, but they don't understand. They don't believe in what they can't see or hear. I succumb the thoughts of the demon and fall asleep.

    I wake up in another new bed in a locked ward. I'm me again and I'm relieved. I'm safe here. The demon can't catch me. Several days pass and she doesn't come to get me so they let me go home.

    It hurts. It hurts to see the fear in your eyes when I head back to my bed, the bed where she first attacked. It hurts that I'd be lying if I said I had control over her. It hurts that I can't promise you my existence.



    Friday, September 30, 2016

    emergency

    I'm sitting in a bed in the medical emergency unit of my city's hospital after an overdose.

    This overdose didn't come out of no where - I hadn't taken my meds properly for two days, and everything crumbled today. My bank wasn't helpful, I had to use a loan to pay for gymnastics, and even then didn't have it in me to go hand in my forms. Between the ste

    I rescheduled today's plans for later this weekend or next week, and hopefully that all works out, There is the unfortunate chance that I'm stuck here for 24 hours.

    My doctor thankfully just walked in and said my tylenol levels were fine. I just need to get one more text done, and I should be out in just over an hour!

    So, overall, this experience wasn't too bad.

    The only real bad part about the experience was the ambulance ride over,
    This paramedic had been to our place a week before to pick up my roommate after an ativan overdose. She decided that it was her job to tell us how we should be living our lives, and kept on insinuating the relationship between my friend and I was destructive. Does she have depression? Does she know how supportive it is to live with someone who understands? It's your job to take patients to the hospital in a safe manner. Not to judge our lives.

    Lapse

    I've been doing so well over the past month. No overdoses, no self harm.
    My recovery has been a roller coaster only going up. Unfortunately what goes up, must come down.

    After two days of my meds not being taken properly, I grabbed a handful of Tylenol and and threw it down with a coffee.

    I'm in the emerg right now, regretting everything.

    I'm so functional while all on my meds. But the second I dotnt have them life goes to shit.

    My problem has  solution - take my meds. Be more assertive with my medication needs with my dr and pharmacist. I can make a plan for how to get through a day without meds.

    I can find a way to make things work. But first, I need to get through today.

    Thursday, September 29, 2016

    Starbucks

    Today I had the unfortunate experience of walking into Starbucks and seeing the calorie content of every drink posted beside the price in the menu.

    The nutritional information for Starbucks has been available online for a very long time and is easily accessible for anyone interested.

    The posting of the caloric information up on a big board for everyone to see is completely unnecessary and in some cases it can even be harmful. As an individual trying to recover from an eating disorder, I find it quite discouraging to walk into my local coffee store and find calories printed up on the menu. It discourages a healthy relationship with food, and puts emphases on the caloric content instead of the enjoyment and nutritional value of the food.

    Not only can this information be harmful to some (and by some I'm referring to the 5% (yes, that's 1 in 20) of the population suffering from an eating disorder), it is actually irrelevant to the majority of the population. A healthy relationship with food should not involve counting calories. A healthy relationship with food should involve eating when hungry and stopping when full, and eating food your body craves and needs.

    Counting calories is often considered to be a disordered eating pattern, which Starbucks is now encouraging.

    Starbucks has definitely lost a customer today, and I hope they realize the harm that they're causing.

    Wednesday, September 28, 2016

    Boundaries respected.

    Sexual assault trigger warning.

    My current partner is an amazingly respectful man, and has never once made me feel, or put me in a position, where I have felt sexually uncomfortable. I had a recent pregnancy scare that has made me feel very anxious about sex, and my partner has been extremely understanding. I have had partners in the past however, who have made me feel at fault for not wanting to reciprocate their sexual advances.

    I'm one of the unlucky 1 in 4 Canadian women who have been sexually harassed while at work. My experience wasn't violent and didn't result in rape, but still needs to be talked about.

    The first time I experienced this was while working the summer between first and second year. I worked at a popular coffee and donut store and one of my coworkers made sexual advances. After telling him I wasn't interested, he persisted. This advanced to a point where I was being touched inappropriately at work, being called a bitch (from him as well as other coworkers) for not sleeping with him, and pressured into sexual activities.

    I was told it was inappropriate, but I was told it was normal. That I had to accept the fact that my bottom would be squeezed, my upper inner thigh felt, my breasts touched and my waist held.

    This is the first I've really talked about the experience I had a couple summers ago. I still feel as though what I went through doesn't count as anything bad because I wasn't raped. I still feel as though I was asking for it. I have a flirty personality and had slept with one of my other coworkers. Wasn't I asking for it?

    --

    Last night I had an absolutely wonderful experience that made me rethink everything.

    I was with my partner in bed, and as clothing started to come off I started to feel anxious. I asked if we could stop.

    I didn't have to put up a fight or even be aggressive about the way I asked. I asked in a very tentative voice and the response was amazing. He stopped right away and gave me a hug. I apologized time and time again, saying I was sorry that I wasn't ready and he told me it was absolutely okay. That we wouldn't do anything I wasn't comfortable with.

    I thought back to our first date. When we went back to my place and were having fun. But the second I told him I wanted to slow down, he did right away, and didn't put up the slightest fight.

    This is how things should be. This is what the response should be when someone doesn't want to have sex. This is how boundaries should be respective.

    --

    I shouldn't need to apologize for only doing what I'm comfortable with. I'm not an object to be used by others for their pleasure. I'm a human. And no one should be allowed to use me.

    Tuesday, September 27, 2016

    Are relationships worth it?

    I have a hard time with relationships, BPD can do that to you. It's hard to trust that someone loves you when all you've known is loved ones leaving.

    I'm scared. I've been anxious lately and my boyfriend and I seem less connected then before. He got some bad news, and since then I just feel a disconnect. Like this disappointment has caused us to drift apart. I know he tends to isolate when the going gets tough, but I can't help but think that it's because he doesn't trust me to be supportive.

    Sometimes I wonder if relationships are worth it. If I was single I wouldn't have these worries that my partner was going to leave me. I wouldn't be worried about being left alone. I wouldn't have this sinking feeling in my heart when he says he can't come over. Maybe if I was single all of this stress would go away.

    But, I love him. I really do. And leaving him because of the way he copes would be ridiculous. There's nothing wrong with our relationship when I look at the facts. But why do I still have this sinking feeling in my heart?

    Monday, September 26, 2016

    Everyone wants to be thin, nobody wants to be sick

    But where do you draw the line?
    When does thinness become an illness?

    Society puts those with anorexia up on a pedestal. Their so called "self-control" is sought after. But no one wants to be the bulimic. Many are okay being sick, if they can choose their flavor of disease.

    Maybe it's because no one realizes the torment of anorexia. No one realizes how destructive and life ruining it is. No one knows how much pain someone with anorexia goes through.

    What about the bulimic? It's seen as this bad habit one should be ashamed of. But if you're underweight because of it, truth is people will ask how you did it. They don't want to hear about how you puked your life away, but that's the truth.

    You may have tried to 'become anorexic' and developed binge eating disorder instead.

    It's like if you wanted lung cancer so you smarted to smoke. But there is no guarantee that you'll develop lung cancer. You might get esophageal or pancreatic cancer instead. You might get no cancer at all.

    We, as a society, look up to 'thinspos' or 'fitspos' and spend millions of dollars on weight loss programs and fitness plans, just to look a certain way. We look up to those capable of eating less, thinking they're better and not sick.

    There are several reasons someone may be underweight. Many of these reasons are because of illness.

    Thinness and success are not synonymous.

    Sunday, September 18, 2016

    Compare

    My best friend attempted suicide last night. I don't know what to think. What to do. I went to the hospital with her last night, and visited this morning (she's been admitted to a medical unit for a couple days but isn't getting admitted to psych). I started micromanaging everything that was going on because that was easier than having feelings.

    I've managed to continue taking care of myself (other than the whole eating thing...). But I've managed to shower, get dressed, put make up on, visit my boyfriend and do some school work. I managed to remain functional and not self harm.

    This is triggering for me to say the least. And here are were the fucked up thoughts start to come in. Her suicide attempt had me thinking about mine. How my attempts didn't land me in a medical unit. How I got formed and she didn't. How the cops didn't come to talk to me after mine.

    Why must I compare our illnesses?

    Saturday, September 17, 2016

    Firing my therapist

    I've had a few issues with my therapist lately.

    Between my discharge from hospital and trip to British Columbia I had a very important one hour session booked. She rescheduled it to a different day, but didn't tell me that it was a half hour session instead of an hour. Not only that, but we got into a fight about my whether or not I should keep my job as well as my course of treatment. It wasn't just a conversation; it got hostile.

    Since then, she's cancelled on me twice and could only rebook me on September 30th.

    Over the summer, when I was paying her privately, she could get me in in a heartbeat. Now that I'm not paying her privately (as my therapy is with the school) she can't fit me in for weeks? I was in the hospital a month ago. You'd think she'd care.

    So she's getting fired. I don't know how to go about telling her though. Should i send her an email or just never contact her again?

    I'm debating what to do next with regards to therapy. I'm thinking of taking a little tine off, and then seeing either a CBT therapist or an eating disorder therapist.

    Lots of things to think about.

    Monday, September 12, 2016

    Working with food

    I work in a kitchen this year, the kitchen in our school pub. I actually quite like it.

    My therapist said it's quite common for eating disorder patients to work in the food industry - probably because our obsession with food is so strong, jobs in this industry attract us.

    I've only had three shifts so far, but so far it hasn't been triggering at all. I love the work. Yes I get disgusted by the fryers and some of the sauces, but that's no different than before. I love cooking, and it's always been hard to cook with my bulimia, as it would often result in a binge.

    This is great - it lets me cook, and keeps me busy, and not allowing my to binge and purge.

    Of course, it's easy to say that everything is going great at the beginning. I have another three shifts today, so we'll see how that goes.



    Sunday, September 11, 2016

    Tears

    They say that random crying
    Can be a symptom of
    Depression, but I've never really
    Had that symptom at all.

    I've always had the numb
    Feeling, the one where there's
    A lump at the back of your
    Throat, and you want to cry, but
    you
    just
    can't.

     
    Today was different though
    Everything was fine and
    Then I cried and cried and
    I can barely see what I'm
    Typing as tears are blurring
    My eyes and I don't know what
    Hit me.

    Everything seems like
    Too much. My class graduates
    This year, I'm taking an extra
    Year so I graduate next year but
    The idea is still terrifying.

    My boyfriend graduates this
    Year and has big and grand plans
    That I fully support but I want to
    Know what will happen.

    I guess maybe it's good that
    I can finally cry, but it feels
    So strange and vulnerable. Maybe
    I've broken down a wall of
    Numbness and this is what happens
    But it's new and it's strange
    Like all other things
    In my life.

    Family time

    My family came down to visit my yesterday, and, as much as I love them, I do struggle spending time with them.

    It was mostly a good visit though, after a nice chat, we headed out to Candian Tire to fix a few things in my house, and then went for a hike. Kyle was super busy but managed to take about an hour away from his work to come have lunch with us, which I really appreciated. He writes his math GRE in under a week, so I understand how much pressure he is under, but he still takes some time for me and that means the world to me.

    It's still tough for me to be around family, the relationship between my mom and step dad can be a big trigger for me. I'm constantly worried that they will split up as they fight a fair bit, and I don't know how I would handle that.

    My relationship with my stepdad has been improving though. When we talk about neutral subjects like math and university life and gymnastics things are great. It's when we start talking about my illness that things get rocky.

    Overall, I have to say that this is the best visit I've had with my mom's side of the family in quite a long time.


    Friday, September 9, 2016

    Being bi

    I think that being bisexual is one of the toughest things I've had to come to accept about myself.
    Not because I thought it was bad or wrong. Not because my parents thought it was bad or wrong.
    Not even because society thought it was bad or wrong.

    Because the way that some of the LGBTQ community views bisexuals.

    I've seen posts on tumblr where people in the LGBTQ community saying that bisexuals are wrong, are just looking for relationships or hiding their sexuality.

    As a bisexual female in a heterosexual relationship, I feel attacked, and some seem to think that I'm hiding my sexuality behind my relationships. I love my boyfriend. Very much. I genuinely fell in love with him, and he knows I'm bisexual and doesn't care. He knows I lost my virginity to a girl and doesn't care. And if we break up I might date a girl later on.

    I am bisexual.

    It is a valid sexuality. And I shouldn't have to feel attacked by the some of the LGBTQ community as well as society in general.

    Dinner

    I'm trying to eat
    My dinner but it's
    Been 53 minutes
    And I'm not even
    Half way through this
    Bowl of macaroni

    My roommate is being
    Wonderful  and sweet
    Staying with me as I take
    Forever to try and eat
    Dinner

    Food has been hard
    Lately, and I'm at a new
    Low weight but feel so
    Incredibly large. I thought
    I was different.

    I was warned that as
    I lose weight by body image
    Would drop, but I thought
    That I would be different, that
    I would love my new skinny
    Body.

    I was wrong. I hate
    That I can't eat
    A 600 calorie dinner
    In under an hour. I hate that
    I think my boyfriend is
    Avoiding me because I'm fat,
    And not that he just
    Has a lot of work to
    Do.

    It's now been an hour
    And I'm still struggling
    Away.

    Monday, September 5, 2016

    Twice to be gone

    I promised to wait
    Another ten years, but
    The hatred inside
    Of me ruined the night

    We had plans to see
    Each other the
    Next day, but I tried
    Twice to be gone

    I lied and told
    You that walks are nice
    When I was heading to
    The pharmacy

    I went to sleep
    With hope that I
    Would cease
    To be

    I told you the next day
    That I did "Something dumb"
    But never told you
    To what extent

    I took enough to stop
    A heart
    But your love
    Kept mine beating

    You brought me a sweater
    And gave me a hug
    But nothing would make up
    For the pain that I caused

    The rail road tracks
    On the front of my arms
    Don't lead to where I want to go
    And I tried twice to be gone

    I tried to go by failure of
    Heart and maybe
    That shows how
    Much I love you

    I can never be
    Sorry enough for
    What I did and I tried

    Twice to be gone