So November was rough. I hit a tipping point about half way through the month, and made a plan and wrote a note. I realized what I was doing, took some ativan, and slept. The next morning I brought myself to the psychiatric emergency room where I was basically told that I survived the month so far, so I should keep on doing what I was doing to stay alive. It was quite a waste of six hours. I went back the two days later, in tears, in the midst of a panic attack, asking to be admitted because I knew I wasn't safe. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist booked for later that day, so they ended up discharging me to go see her.
So I saw my psychiatrist and we made some decisions regarding school and medication. I was put on a sleeping pill (Zopiclone I believe), and we made plans to start me on Lamictol once I'm done my exams in order to help stabilize my mood. Sleeping pills are incredible. I've been on them for less than a week and I feel so much better in the morning after not being up all night long tossing and turning. I'm really hoping the Lamictol helps calm down my mood swings. It has been shown to help with Borderline Personality Disorder, and oh goodness has my borderline been acting up lately. (guess who's spent $100 on impulsive food or other purchases on my stepdad's credit card these past couple weeks?)
School wise, I'm going to be slowing down. I'm differing my computing exam to February, which means I only have four over the next two weeks. I'm also only taking three courses next term instead of five, which is super super super scary for me. I've always been the busy over achieving type, and the thought of taking less courses (which also means taking an extra year to finish my undergrad) is terrifying for me. It also means I know need to wait 2.5 years instead of 1.5 years for California and grad school. I am trying to remind myself that it means I get the chance to understand my courses better, really understand abstract math, get more undergraduate research experience, and maybe even enjoy the ride. I just hate changing plans. I already changed my specialization a month ago and it just seems like all my university plans are changing and we all know I'm not a big fan of change.
I'm trying hard to beat this season affective disorder. God I hate winter. I have my sun light that I use every morning, I do try to get outside a bit, and I'm going to start taking vitamin D supplements, which will hopefully help my mood as well as my bone health.
I should go back to studying, I hope you all have a wonderful Sunday!