Thursday, December 31, 2015

New Years Resolutions

It's that time again! I looked over last year's resolutions and now it's time to make some new ones!


  • Reduce binging and purging to once a week 
  • Journal and continue addiction treatment
  • Go to group every week
  • No overdoses

  • Don't let mental illness ruin my relationship
  • Pay back my debts, or at least don't get into more debt

  • Get straight A+ in courses
  • Get a good summer job
  • Present my research at the Canadian Undergraduate Mathematical Conference
  • Write my GRE
And of course.. get to my UGW. 2016 Bring. It. On. 

Lets let this year be the best one yet. 


Last years resolutions

I made a massive list of resolutions last year, and for accountability here they are. The green ones are the ones I was successful at :)


  • Use CBT journal in order to reduce
    • Self harm
    • Binge, purge, fast cycle
    • Overdoses
    • Hospital visits
  • Regular sleep schedule (11:30pm-7am)
  • Journal regularly
  • Don't let caffeine intake get out of control
  • Take care of hair, nails, skin and teeth
  • Take all vitamins every day (regardless of calories)

  • A- average for the term, and ideally pull my total GPA up to an A-
  • Keep up with weekly problem sets
  • Learn to program in Matlab and Python
  • Talk to profs
  • Get a good summer job
  • Run the best Math and Stats society
  • Catch up with courses with summer school

  • Food journal
  • Get a consistent food schedule (up calories rather than get into b/p/fast cycle if necessary)
  • Exercise daily
  • Run my blog and twitter account more regularly
  • Get down to my goal weight

  • Get my drivers licence
  • Read more and watch less netflix
  • Pay off debt to my parents
  • Be more social and go out on weekends
  • Stop being a wimp at gymnastics
  • At least 10 minutes of mindfulness every day. For ex:
    • Yoga
    • Listening to music
    • Lighting candles
    • Stretching
Although I didn't stick to many resolutions, I do believe that I've improved as a person this year. I managed to stay out of the hospital other than the occasional ER visit, I've been better with caffeine, I've been more social, and I haven't overdosed in 8 months!


Monday, December 28, 2015

A new year

A new me?

Well, we all know that's a lie.

But I am working on positive changes. I've made a meal plan for the new year. I'm doing my best to follow it now, but it's tough with the holidays and travelling.

I want to focus more on self care next term. I've already done a very important first step of only talking three instead of five courses next term. But I can't spend my free time wallowing in my depression. I need to start taking self care fucking seriously.

To me this means;
- Going to the gym, not only to work out but to stretch
- Eating healthy and foods that make me feel good
- Taking care of my skin and hair. No more going a week without a shower.

I'm also hoping to get a job shortly, in order to pay back my debts. I admitted all my debts to my parents, and they're helping me pull myself out of the hole that I dug, but it is my responsibility, and duty, to pay them back as soon as I can.

I'm trying to think of some concrete goals to set up, regarding self care and borderline, depression and anxiety recovery. If anyone has any ideas, please comment!! I'm struggling a bit with this.


Sunday, December 27, 2015

Granola bars

Granola bars and I have a complicated relationship. Protein bars are safe, yet granola bars are binge food. But if I'm given just one granola bar, I can eat it without triggering a binge. Oh food.

During exams, I didn't have enough time to cook or make proper meals, and so I was living off of granola bars. I found some safe ones, that were both delicious, and ones I didn't feel obliged to binge on.

These were delicious. The dark chocolate was the perfect amount of sweetness and flavor to satisfy me but not cause me to run for more. I'm also a sucker for anything with coconut!

These granola bars were also magical! They have a distinctive flavor and two bars per package, so I could separate them into two smaller snacks if I wanted too!

Although these aren't granola bars, but fruit bars, they are delicious! Not as great as eating fruit, but so much easier to transport. I love fresh and frozen fruit but they're can be tricky to pack, especially if I need to pack enough for a long day of studying. These were perfect, I could through them into my bag and have something both safe and yummy to munch on while studying.

I hope you're all having a wonderful holiday


Support or enabling?

It's a fine line
I find
Between being supportive
And being enabling.
When does being understanding
Kind, and comforting,
Allow the addict,
To never get clean?

For instance,
Does making me
An egg white omelette
For breakfast
Allow me to enjoy
Food with the family
Or reinforce my
Fear of egg yolks?

What about getting me
A vegetable spaghetti
Maker as one of my
Christmas presents.
Does it make my
Cooking easier
Or reinforce my
Fear of noodles?


Saturday, December 26, 2015

My book

Happy boxing day!

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas, and were able to get through whatever meals and family events you had to face.

I started writing a book about growing up with mental illness. It's a memoir on the first 20 years of my life, and will be released on July 18th 2016, my twentieth birthday. I'm really enjoying writing this, it is a bit of a challenge as well quite liberating.

Here's an excerpt

"They say things get better with time. I’ve learned that things really only get better with effort.

I remember the first time food made me cry. I was five, and my mom had sliced up some apples as part of my snack. I really wasn’t a fan of fruit at this age, and so I ate everything else on my plate. We ended up getting into a fight over me not wanting to eat my apples, I cried and was sent upstairs to finish them. I threw them into the trash and covered them with tissue. My mom found out, washed the apple slices, put them back on my plate and made me eat them." 


Thursday, December 24, 2015

Christmas Dinner

Traditional Christmas dinners are big, full of family members and often full of fear foods.

Common foods are:
Cooked vegetables
Desert (often pie)
Christmas cookies

I do encourage you to challenge yourselves this holiday, if you think you can do so. However, do so safely and do your best to get through your meal and keep it down. Based in the list of common foods, the way I would set up my plate is as follows:

- About half filled with salad.
- An eighth filled with potato
- A quarter filled with cooked veg
- A eighth filled with Turkey (for those non-vegetarians)

This way your plate looks full, and yet is half salad. You get a little taste of (what I consider to be safer foods, feel free to adjust) the traditional meal, without feeling overwhelmed.

There is often so much going on at Christmas that it can be simple to defer attention elsewhere. For instance, if someone offers you food you aren't safe with; a simple "I don't have room on my plate for that right now, I'll come back for seconds" and then saying "I'm stuffed" when it comes to having seconds can help.
Sitting at the kids table can often help as they are much less judgmental when it comes to food. If you're okay with alcohol, having a glass of wine with dinner may help calm those nerves.

When it comes to desert, this is definitely the tricky part. I personally find that I'm safest with pies, as they are loaded with fruit. Asking for a small slice, and if anyone asks, say you ate so much main course that your full. I often find myself getting through dinner all right, and then over eating and purging desert. I'm going to do my best not to do that this year.

When it comes to pushy relatives who tell you that you NEED to try something because they baked it, often saying "I'll try it later" or "In a bit, I just want to let my stomach settle" is a good way to get relatives off your back. In many cases I find that they get distracted with presents, family drama, or politics and don't bother you about it again.

Good luck darlings, I wish you all the Merriest of Christmases.


Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Home: meals 2 and 3

Good afternoon beauties,

This morning went incredibly well, I'm actually quite surprised. My stepdad went to cook breakfast, and I eventually went into the kitchen with the intention of eating some oatmeal and fruit, because I didn't want any omelette, and egg yolks are a bit of a fear food for me. I walked into the kitchen and my stepdad looked up at me and asked if two egg whites were okay. I was honestly so shocked that he thought of that for me. I ended up allowing him to make me an egg white omelette with some cooked onion. He even cooked it with a bit of butter, and I had a mini bun with it. It ended up being less then my normal breakfasts, but contained more fear foods.

We went out this morning, I got my blood work done and went to the library where I colored for an hour. I was pretty hungry when I got home, and had a banana, oatmeal and hot chocolate for lunch, before my mom and siblings sat down to eat, and now I'm hiding away in my room for a bit.

I hope you're all doing okay,


Tuesday, December 22, 2015

I'm home (?)

So I guess I've returned home for the holidays. I don't know what home is anymore though. To be honest I consider my student house more of a home then either my mom's or my dad's house now. I guess that comes with growing up.

I had an awful time getting here, with my bus over selling tickets and traffic, but I made it safely and alive. I got my mom to bring me a snack (of a banana) when she picked me up because I knew arriving at home on an empty stomach was a bad idea.

I got through my first dinner. I had stirfry that my mom made that had oil(!!!!) and white(!!!!) rice, and a source desert yogurt and cookie for desert. I'm about to have a bowl of oatmeal and hot chocolate and then head off to bed.

So far so good. I know at one point real talks will happen about treatment and finances and I'm really really scared.. but so far so good.

Exams are over now so I'll be posting more now, and have lots of posts lined up, including my new plan to reduce bingeing and purging, some granola bars that were life savers, and more of my ranting and poetry!

Merry Christmas Eve Eve Eve.
Lots of love


Friday, December 18, 2015

Let the holidays begin

I'm officially done my exams!! Three of them went quite well, the one I wrote today was pretty brutal though to be honest. However, I managed to only be a little self-destructively impulsive, and I'm now dying my hair lavender! I'm currently on step one, so I'm just stripping it of all it's color.

My boyfriend is over studying statistics because he doesn't finish until Monday, poor kid.

For me the holidays have started. I've done a lot of thinking with my support worker lately, and we talked about celebrating the holidays in terms of what they mean to ME.
To me the holidays are about hot drinks, warm socks and blankets and reading book after book on your reading list. Snowball fights and hot chocolate. Seeing my siblings. Lots and lots of holiday baking.
To my family, the holidays are more focused around the meals. Big Christmas dinner, new years eve dinner, boxing day dinner etc etc.
Just because I will be going home and partaking in those big holiday meals, doesn't mean that I have to make a big deal about them. Yes they will cause anxiety, but there are so many things to look forward to with the holidays that aren't about eating. And I'm going to make the most of those occasions.

Let the holidays begin


Thursday, December 17, 2015

My eating disorder turned me into..

A thief.
A liar.
A fraud.

Someone who I never thought I would be.

Someone who can't live by their morals because they're consumed by these thoughts.

Never did I think I would be someone who would shoplift groceries, lie to my siblings, or pretend to be someone I'm not. But I've become that person. It's not be. I want out.


Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Hold me

They say that
There is always something
Worth fighting for
But they never tell
You how much fight
You should put into it

They say it's possible
But that it will take
All the fight you've got
But how do they know
How much is in you?

I'm trying, I swear I am
But things get tougher
Every day
Every hour
Every minute

The pain seems to grow
With an impending
Sense of doom
More and more
Infect your mind

It won't ever go
No matter how hard
You try
You fight
You scream

So please just hold
Me for tonight
And lie to me and say
That things will be alright


Sunday, December 13, 2015

It doesn't just get better

It doesn't just get better.

Yes, maybe your life does get better. But a better life does not make a better mental health. Depression doesn't just go away because the high school bully isn't around. Your anxiety doesn't cure itself because you don't have to write an other essay. You're still going to struggle. Bad people exist outside of high school. University is tough, and profs are demanding. Money will be tight. Bosses will fire you, profs will fail you, and people will push you down. Just because you've cut mean people out of your life, doesn't mean all their voices will disappear. You're eating disorder will still exist. Your problems will follow you wherever you go. So stop running away, and trying so hard to find that better life. Stop and face your problems. Take a deep breath and dive in. Really figure out who you are - not who you want to be, but who you are. You might have with these problems for the rest of your life, so learn how to really deal with them, not just how to  run away. Learn how to stay safe and tell your boss you can't work when depression locks you to your bed. Learn how to turn down food that you know will trigger a binge/purge session, and get yourself something safe. Learn how to get out of situations that make you so anxious that you want to jump off a cliff. Life gets better. But your mental health doesn't magically get better. We don't all recover. But we can all live. We can all live a life even if we are sick. We can still enjoy sunrises and sunsets and long watch on the beach. We can still be, even when we aren't always okay. But you've got to stop running, and figure out how the hell you're gonna cope.


Friday, December 11, 2015

Mood swings

Today started off
Very very well
I woke up and got dressed
And drank a nice latte.

I went down to school
And wrote my exam
Which I completely aced.

I was on a high
Of success and caffeine
And went to see my
Boyfriend to celebrate.

But then things took a turn
I knew I had to eat
But boy did I not want to.

I forced down lunch,
And a snack and dinner
And tried to study
For my next exam.

But the thoughts took over
Fat stupid ugly worthless
Fat stupid ugly worthless

And now I'm lying
Down in bed
Crying to myself.

Because even when
Things are great
A day is still incredibly
Hard to survive.


Pre exam motivation

You've been studying this for three months.

Not only have you been studying this, you've been learning, stretching your brain, accepting new ideas, and proving the ones you don't believe.

You've done assignment after assignment and wrote two midterms.

You've done this a million times.

You've taken notes and one problems.

You've slept and ate breakfast.

Now there's only one thing left to do.

And that is to go ace this exam.


Thursday, December 10, 2015

Being dependent

They teach you in therapy
To not depend on any one person
For happiness and stability.

They teach you in therapy
That you don't need any one person
In order to live a healthy life.

They teach you in therapy
To not but all your eggs
Into one basket.

What they forget to teach you
Is that you can't put all your faith
Into your therapist either.

It's a strange relationship,
Between a client and a therapist
Because the ultimate goal
Is for the relationship to end.

I've been seeing my therapist
For just over two years
Ever other week.

She recently got into an accident,
She's okay but on leave
And I haven't seen her
In over a month.

It's strange realizing how much
You depended on the person
Who taught you how to
Not depend too much on others.

It's strange using the skills
You've been working on for years
To cope with the lack
Of the one who taught them to you.

It's difficult to not let yourself
Use this as an excuse
To relapse.

The worst time to relapse
Would be when your therapist
Isn't around
But it would be so easy.

It shows how much you've grown
To hold on to the progress you've made
And keep on fighting
Without that external push.

I've got to remember
That at the end of the day
It comes to me,
Not my therapist.

And I can do this.
I will do this.
I have to do this.


Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Last day of classes

I decided, that my personal last day of classes was last Thursday, but I guess today was the real last day of classes.
I've handed in my last two assignments.
One big sigh of relief.
And, one big sigh of oncoming stress.
Exam Friday. Exam Monday, Wednesday Friday.
Then sleep for five hundred years.

I haven't been doing a good job at sticking to my meal plan.
But I did have breakfast and treated myself to a spinach feta wrap at starbucks, which I absolutely LOVE. I'm feeling really guilty, but I needed the fuel and it was yummy.

I also have a job interview tomorrow which I'm psyched for. I need money!


Sunday, December 6, 2015


If I was doing this for a boy,
I would have stopped when the boy who's locker was next to mine asked me out on a date.

If I was doing this for popularity,
I would have stopped when I started losing friends, not gaining them.

If I was doing this for love,
I would have stopped when you hugged me and told me you were proud.

If I was doing this for gymnastics,
I would have stopped when chronic dehydration worsened my performance.

If I was doing this for health,
I would have followed my dietitian's meal plan to the letter. 

If I was doing this for attention,
I would have stopped when I was first admitted to hospital.

If I was doing this for beauty,
I would have stopped when my hair started falling out in chunks.

If I was doing this for any
Other reason than illness
Trust me I would have never
Taken it this far.


Update: Dec 5


So November was rough. I hit a tipping point about half way through the month, and made a plan and wrote a note. I realized what I was doing, took some ativan, and slept. The next morning I brought myself to the psychiatric emergency room where I was basically told that I survived the month so far, so I should keep on doing what I was doing to stay alive. It was quite a waste of six hours. I went back the two days later, in tears, in the midst of a panic attack, asking to be admitted because I knew I wasn't safe. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist booked for later that day, so they ended up discharging me to go see her.

So I saw my psychiatrist and we made some decisions regarding school and medication. I was put on a sleeping pill (Zopiclone I believe), and we made plans to start me on Lamictol once I'm done my exams in order to help stabilize my mood. Sleeping pills are incredible. I've been on them for less than a week and I feel so much better in the morning after not being up all night long tossing and turning. I'm really hoping the Lamictol helps calm down my mood swings. It has been shown to help with Borderline Personality Disorder, and oh goodness has my borderline been acting up lately. (guess who's spent $100 on impulsive food or other purchases on my stepdad's credit card these past couple weeks?)

School wise, I'm going to be slowing down. I'm differing my computing exam to February, which means I only have four over the next two weeks. I'm also only taking three courses next term instead of five, which is super super super scary for me. I've always been the busy over achieving type, and the thought of taking less courses (which also means taking an extra year to finish my undergrad) is terrifying for me. It also means I know need to wait 2.5 years instead of 1.5 years for California and grad school. I am trying to remind myself that it means I get the chance to understand my courses better, really understand abstract math, get more undergraduate research experience, and maybe even enjoy the ride. I just hate changing plans. I already changed my specialization a month ago and it just seems like all my university plans are changing and we all know I'm not a big fan of change.

I'm trying hard to beat this season affective disorder. God I hate winter. I have my sun light that I use every morning, I do try to get outside a bit, and I'm going to start taking vitamin D supplements, which will hopefully help my mood as well as my bone health.

I should go back to studying, I hope you all have a wonderful Sunday!


Saturday, December 5, 2015


I have an obsession with ballerinas. The type of obsession six year old girls have as they run around in tutus.

It turns into a much darker obsession as a nineteen year old then. I know how fucked the dance world is. I consider the gymnastics world to be worse than the dance world in general, but the ballet world is whole new world. I can only imagine how much worse my exercise obsession, self harm and eating disorder would be if I was in ballet.

It's just so beautiful. It's what I consider to be the ideal athlete. As a gymnast, I feel somewhat guilty saying this, but I've always loved the lean dance like gymnasts. Beautifully muscular, inner grace and power, and most of all; discipline and perfection.


Friday, December 4, 2015

Exam meal plan

I like structure. Structure and control get me through stressful times. So, I need a plan to get through exams. Here goes:

8am: latte with 1cup of milk

11am: 1/3 cup bbq seasoned peanuts or 2/3 cup dried cranberries

2pm: 1/2 cup oatmeal with 1tbsp protein powder

5pm: soup and either lentils, beans or chick peas

8pm: Protein bar

Extra lattes are okay, because lattes fuel the brain, and the brain fuels smartness and exam success!!


December 4th

Oh exam season.

Always a tough time. I've decided to post daily over the next couple weeks, to share ways I'm coping, let it out when I'm not and get through every day.

Today was my first day with no class. I was supposed to study.

Guess what I did instead?
Slept, binged and purged. Well, fuck.

I'm going out tonight. And you know what? I deserve it. Even though I did nothing today, going out and being social is okay. Having fun is okay.

I know I'll have to study extra tomorrow which sucks, but hey, I gotta do what I gotta do.

I'm setting up a meal plan for the next couple weeks to help me cope with the exam craziness, I'll publish it in a different post. I can do it.

I wrote myself a note in class yesterday, as I was trying to get through one of my last classes of the term. I think it is very relevant and decided to share:
"You have time.
If `nothing else remember
There is still time
There is always `more time
Things will be okay
They always work out in the end."


Thursday, December 3, 2015

December goals

I wish I could say I had really positive goals for this month... That I was going to achieve everything I didn't get around to yet this year.

But honestly, I'm just tired.

I need to ace my exams. Eat enough to keep me going, but not enough to cause too much self hatred. And then prepare to face my family.

I don't want to be sick anymore.

I just want things to be okay.

Why do they never seem to be okay?

I decided to only take three courses next term. And I hate myself for it. But I know it's the right thing to do.

Maybe that will be my goal this month. Accept where I'm at. Let myself be okay with only taking a three courses next year, and don't push ridiculous expectations on myself for exams. Let myself just be.

I'm tired. 
The tired sleep can't fix. 
The tired that creates permanent under eye bags. 

I'm stressed. 
The stressed that never ends. 
The stressed that causes heart attacks high blood pressure. 

I'm sad. 
The sad that causes death.
The sad the makes it impossible to cry. 

I just want to rest
To sleep, to breathe to be