Saturday, November 21, 2015

What keeps you alive?

November has been quite a tough month for me, and this all accumulated Wednesday evening when I wrote my suicide note and made a plan.

I managed to get myself to sleep that evening, and got myself to the my doctor's Thursday morning. 

She asked me to give her reasons as to why I want to stay alive. I didn't have an answer. Or, I did, but it seemed so unrelated to my current mood. 

I didn't want to die. 

I just wanted a break. For the voices in my head to stop. For the constant self-deprecation and hatred to stop. For the pressure, the mountain of school work, the expectations to stop. 

I just wanted a rest. 

I wanted to hit pause. 

To sleep for a week and not think about rent, and school and life. 

To just breathe. 

So what got me through? Well apart from the lovely note from my doctor excusing me from school for the next few days, it was faith. 

Having faith that there is always more time. Not everything needs to be done right now. Things will work out. Maybe not ideally, maybe not the way I had planned, but it will work out. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, it could just be a very very long tunnel, with lots of bends. 

But things will be okay. 

There is always time. 

-Niqi
xoxo 

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