Saturday, November 28, 2015

My therapist

My therapist went on an unexpected leave.
This isn't a huge deal, I go to the student wellness center on campus, and my therapist is free. There are also about a dozen therapists that work there.
However, when the receptionist calls me to cancel my appointment there are two things that I wasn't expecting:

1 - They rebooked my appointment for a month now... as if I would be perfectly fine going 6-8 weeks without seeing my therapist. Additionally, they did not give me any other options, such as seeing someone else. That was it.

2 - They told me she got into an accident, and then gave me no other information. Why in the world would you tell a patient, who is seeing someone for an anxiety disorder, that their therapist got into an accident?

You would think that they would be smarter than this.

I have no idea what happened to my therapist, and she's been off for three weeks now. I'm so stressed over whether or not she's okay, and I can't not have therapy as we head into exams...

Back to studying now.


Sunday, November 22, 2015

Low weight

I've hit my low weight twice. Once in the August of 2014, and once in the late winter of this year. 

The last time I hit this weight it was after a 48 hour stomach bug. I was starving, barely eating, in cold sweats, and I couldn't even keep a glass of water down, as I had gotten the worst of that years stomach flu. 

My weight has lowering lately, and I can't say I'm upset. I keep on hoping I'll get down to my low weight again (and lower..). 

But it's strange. Last time I was there I was very very ill physically. It just goes to show how warped my mind is. I want so badly to be at that weight. Even though that weight has only been achieved in the past year and a half when I've been very sick. How fucked is that? 


Saturday, November 21, 2015

'Tis the season

I think I'm the most stereotypical white girl right now.

I'm sitting at the starbucks in chapters, with my yoga pants and knitted sweater, typing away on my blog and reflecting on my year.

It's crazy to think that there is just over a month left to the year. It's also crazy to think of how far I've come since the beginning of the year.

I just picked up my boyfriend's Christmas present, and bought myself a new hat.

The seasonal depression has hit hard, and I'm trying my best to fight it. The past few days have been extremely rough but I seem to be picking up the pieces of myself. I got dressed today and went out to study at the coffee shop with my friend, then played with her rats, then did some errands. Which is much better then the past two days I've spent sleeping.

I'm heading home now to have a nice warm bath and then watch elf while cleaning and decorating my room, as well as setting up my exam calendar.

I'm so incredibly thankful for the break off of school that my doctor gave me. I really didn't realize how much my mental health was deteriorating until I wrote my note Wednesday night. And I'm so glad I didn't act on it, because the world is beautiful, and there are things out there that I still want to discover.

I hope you're all having a lovely weekend.


What keeps you alive?

November has been quite a tough month for me, and this all accumulated Wednesday evening when I wrote my suicide note and made a plan.

I managed to get myself to sleep that evening, and got myself to the my doctor's Thursday morning. 

She asked me to give her reasons as to why I want to stay alive. I didn't have an answer. Or, I did, but it seemed so unrelated to my current mood. 

I didn't want to die. 

I just wanted a break. For the voices in my head to stop. For the constant self-deprecation and hatred to stop. For the pressure, the mountain of school work, the expectations to stop. 

I just wanted a rest. 

I wanted to hit pause. 

To sleep for a week and not think about rent, and school and life. 

To just breathe. 

So what got me through? Well apart from the lovely note from my doctor excusing me from school for the next few days, it was faith. 

Having faith that there is always more time. Not everything needs to be done right now. Things will work out. Maybe not ideally, maybe not the way I had planned, but it will work out. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, it could just be a very very long tunnel, with lots of bends. 

But things will be okay. 

There is always time. 


Wednesday, November 18, 2015

This is a sappy love poem

I used to think
That to be happy
I need to be thin
And in control
But that was
Before I met you

I used to think
That to achieve
Success in life
I had to be alone
But that was
Before I met you

I used to think
That women with
Ambition couldn't
Fall in love
But that was
Before I met you

Now I've met you
And realized
I can be happy
In your arms

Now I've met you
And realized
That you can encourage
Me to succeed

Now I've met you
And realized
That true love doesn't
Take away ambition

Apparently realizing all of this means I'm in a healthy relationship. It's been five months and I'm still surprised that relationships like this are possible.


Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Back on track

Slipping is easy
You just let go
Give in and allow
Urges to take over.

But getting back
Is difficult
Its like trying to run
Up a steep hill of ice.

It's easy to trick
Yourself into thinking
You can slip up once
And then be okay.

Be it never works
That way, now does it?
One turns to two
To three to four.

And then next thing you know
You're waking up solely
To give in to your
Dirty little secret.

You sleep through the day
And through all your classes
To stay up all night
And give in to addictions.

But it's time now to climb
Out of that hole
Of deep deep darkness
That has possessed you.


Sunday, November 15, 2015

All about that BOOST

As a de-stresser/procrastination method today, I changed the lyrics to all about that bass by Meghan Trainor, so it's about EDs.
Sorry for my voice but I hope you all enjoy!

(If you haven't read my rant, or want to re-live the Meghan Trainor drama, here is the link to my rant)

Good night!


Lazy or depressed?

Sometimes I don't know what to think.
I know I need to take care of myself, and sometimes waking up in the morning is the hardest thing for me.
And sometimes I need to allow myself to take a break. Take a day off. Allow myself to rest. Take time to self soothe, and just be.
But sometimes I'm just procrastinating. And how do I differentiate?
Is my depression taking over? Or do I just not like studying numerical analysis?

Either way, I need to study. There's no way around that. I need to bump my grades up so I can get hired over the summer.


Saturday, November 14, 2015


I'm so broke this is ridiculous.

This disorder took away my body, my relationships and my mind. But now its also taken away my money.

I'm lucky to have a family that supports me. But I feel like crap having to depend on them.

We're half way through November and I don't know how I'm going to pay for December's rent.

I wish it was as easy as just saving money. But I just spend it all feeding this terrible sickness.


Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Life or death

I hate borderline.
I hate having the illness, I hate what it makes me do to myself, what it makes me do to others, and that others have to suffer in a similar way as I do.

Some people don't think that the illness is properly named. In fact, it is slowly being changed to emotional unstable personality disorder.
But it's more than that.
It's being ready to conquer life, take the world by storm and ace all your classes one minute, and writing your suicide letter the next.
It's deciding that you look hot as fuck in your dress, and shoving three fingers down your throat five minutes later because you ate an extra jelly bean.
It's being ready to recover and admit you need help, only to cancel all your appointments a day later.

It's hell.
It's pure fucking hell.

I haven't been to classes since last Thursday. It's Wednesday.
I don't know if I'm going to go today. I don't want to go because I don't want to see my prof after skipping class Monday. I want this prof to hire me.
How fucked is that.

I see my therapist today. I want to tell her that I was ready to die on Monday, but I feel good today. I feel like I got a grasp of things. I was binging 12 hrs ago but I feel as though that life is behind me. I've felt like this before. It never lasts. But my mind is playing games on me and I genuinely feel like this time will be different.

I spoke to one of my best friends for two hours this morning. And that's what swung my mood around. Do I really have a problem if talking to someone for two hours can make me feel okay?

I know I'm struggling but I don't want to admit that.

I'm in denial about being in denial.


Monday, November 9, 2015


I spend most of my life
Making myself puke
Starving myself
Hurting myself
Or torturing myself.

But when it's a virus
Or a bacteria
That takes control
I lose all strength
I ever had.

You'd think a bulimic
Could handle the stomach flu
And that a self harmer
Could deal with pain
But that's all inflicted
By my own hand
And that's what makes
All of the difference.


Sunday, November 8, 2015

"You don't think in depression that you've put on a gray veil and are seeing the world through the haze of a bad mood. You think that the veil has been taken away, the veil of happiness, and that now you're seeing truly."
-Andrew Solomon

This quote was part of a Ted Talk I was watching, and it struck me a little. I was going to tweet it but it was way too many characters.

I don't have much to say about it right now, but it's making me think and I wanted to share.

I hope you're all having a good night, and that you aren't too stressed about the coming week.


Trigger Warning

This article was posted by a friend of mine on facebook.

Here was my response:

She does have some valid points. But takes it way way way too far. Firstly, placing a trigger warning on articles that go into deep detail about how much weight someone lost while fighting an eating disorder, a video that is graphic about sexual assault, or images of self harm scars is not a problem. Yes the real life exists. This isn't a hospital where bathroom doors are locked after meals, and your scars must be covered. You might walk down the street and see someone who's underweight talking about her strict eating rules or how many times she purged. You might see people naked. You might see someone with scars.I don't consider the real world to be what you read or the images you see though. Yes there are lots of triggers in the real world. So what's the harm in warning students about trigger warnings in books or movies? Part of the reason it's called a trigger WARNING is because it is a WARNING. It doesn't say run away and hide and don't look at this. It might mean, you'll want to discuss this with your therapist after, or it could mean only read it when you're in a good mood. 
Yes the real world can suck and yes it can be hell. And I've adapted. I've been out of the hospital for over a year and am capable of handling my triggers not completely terribly. But I was in and out four times. When do you decide that someone needs to go back in the real world because being in a hospital for too long causes harm. And I'm sorry, you can't tell people they need to be in the hospital when I know of patients in tears begging for help and being told there aren't enough beds. 
I personally, really appreciate trigger warnings. If I see someone with scars walking down the street I don't run home and hurt myself. I often talk to the person. But seeing a picture of a fresh cut, with an article discussing the ways someone self harmed just isn't what I need to see. If I see someone who is quite underweight I don't starve myself right away. But if there's an article that goes on about how many calories they were eating every day and what their lowest weight was I don't need to read it. Because those things might trigger me. Yes I get triggered quite a bit. No I don't need to be in a hospital. 
I'm not avoiding recovery or life by not reading these articles. Part of recovery is accepting what is good and what isn't good for you. Putting yourself in less situation that causes distress is part of getting better. Yes, you need to be challenged and somethings do need to be faced, but that is a long and slow process done at the out patient level. Let people choose when they're ready to read certain things.

- Niqi

October reflexions

I made some goals at the beginning of October, and goal setting is pretty useless if you don't take the time to look back on them.

Here were my goals:

  • enjoy my reading week, and get caught up on readings. 
    • I actually did a pretty good job with this. I didn't do all the readings I wanted to, but I enjoyed myself and got some stuff done.
  • b/p every other day at most
    • I had 9 days where I didn't b/p, which is almost 30% success. Realistically, 50% was a very difficult goal for me and I'm proud of the progress I did make.
  • Lose 10 lbs. 
    • lol. Not even close. I lost four.
  • Spend at least 15 minutes practicing some form of mindulness
    • This started off very well but as school got busy this lost priority. I do need to pick this back up.
  • Practice DBT skills every day. 
    • Same as the mindfulness. It was going well when school wasn't too busy, but now I'm swamped and haven't been trying as hard as I should have.
  • Continue to put effort into social events.
    • Yep! I went out several times, and have been spending more time with friends.
  • Stop self harming.
    • I'm now over a month clean!!
  • Stop lax abuse.
    • I'm also now over a month clean!!


Friday, November 6, 2015

It's like there's two of me

It's like there's two of me
Trapped inside my head
The part that wants to be free
And the part that wants to be dead

I have to soothe
Both sides at once
For if I don't
A war erupts

And so I sit
And study hard
Then scratch the skin
Off of myself

I go for runs
Out in the woods
But my brain can't escape
The cell of my skull

I fill myself
With nutrients
But rid them all
To feel emptiness

You'd think I could choose
Between life and death
But I'm stuck in this land
Of suspended thought

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

How to save a life

Over the past
Year or so,
My set point weight
Has gone up
Almost 10 pounds.

I know that it's muscle
And I know I'm not fat
But my disordered voice
Has been yelling.

I'm still hovering
In the grey land
Relapse and

I still want
To lose this weight
Get down to my goal
No matter how much
Muscle I lose.

But I also know
I'm a better gymnast
Than I was last year
And I have my body
To thank for that.

I realized that now
I meet the height
And weight requirements
Necessary to give blood.

So I spent some time
Sitting in a chair
With a needle in my arm
Donating blood
To save a life.

It was quite tough
On my body as I
Am quite small to
Begin with
But I filled my bag
With blood which
Happens to be
The universal donor.

So maybe I've gained,
And yes it makes me upset
But next time an unknown patient
Needs a unit of blood
I'll have helped
Saved their life.


Monday, November 2, 2015

Trauma flashbacks

I don't talk very much about my BPD, and some of what lead to me developing this illness.

I decided to post about it a little today. I had some very disturbing trauma flashback dreams last night, and I'm hoping that maybe this helps me work through it.

As a child I suffered complex trauma. Complex trauma, as supposed to other trauma, is when an individual is subject to a traumatic situation over a long period of time. It often occurs to children, and thus affects their development. Examples of complex trauma include living in an unsafe environment, constant moving, regular physical or emotional abuse or neglect.

I didn't go through anything like that as a child, and often feel guilty for even saying I went through trauma in my life, because I feel as though I'm over reacting, or trying to make others feel bad for me when I say I suffered trauma. However, whatever I call it, I did go through some quite difficult things as a child.

I moved quite a bit as a child, and my parents got divorced when I was quite young. When I was about six, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. He spent many many months going through a variety of treatments, including radiation therapy and chemo. While he was in treatment, he met a lovely woman, and fell in love. Cindy had breast cancer.

I spent a lot of the next couple years of my life in the hospital with my dad and Cindy. My dad got better relatively quickly, and had the energy to be my dad. However, Cindy didn't. She was often admitted to hospital, and even when she was home, she was often stuck in her bed. I really liked Cindy. Many children of divorce struggle to connect with their parents' new partners, and I did have a hard time connecting to my step father. However, Cindy and I clicked. We had very similar interests, she was quite outgoing, and truly believed in me.

Shortly before I turned eight, my dad and Cindy got married. It was a beautiful ceremony. Cindy's cancer was causing blood flow out of her arm to be cut off, so her right arm was quite swollen. They wrapped it up beautifully with white fabric that matched her dress, she wore a curly dirty blonde wig, and looked like a princess. When I left my dad near the end of the summer to go back to my mom's (where I lived during the year), Cindy was doing better. We all had hope.

Unfortunately, I got a phone call about a month later, with my dad telling me he had bad news. He had this voice and my heart sunk. I immediately knew it was bad news. I had this feeling that she had died, but I didn't want to say anything. After he told me, I tried to pretend it wasn't true. I told my dad some good news that I had. But it came back to her. I asked what had happened, and got factual responses. She had died in her bed.

Dealing with this at eight years old, when you don't fully understand, is quite difficult. It was never really talked about afterwards. I went back to school in September, and never went to the funeral. It was quite far away, and my parents were worried it would be too much.

I don't blame my mom and dad for how they dealt with the situation. How do you talk to your eight year old daughter about how your wife had a terrible illness and had died. That you had the same illness (however a different type), and could have died as well, however was lucky enough to survive? Cindy was in my life, and then all of a sudden, she was no longer in my life. That chapter was over, and rarely spoken about. I didn't see a grief counselor, or really talked to anyone about it. It was just something that had happened.

Those couple years of my life really affected who I am as a person today. In many ways, it has made me wiser, however it has definitely hurt me in other ways.

I guess the reason I'm sharing this today, is because I had some really bad dreams last night. Dreams of my dad's cancer re-occurring, even though he's been clean for so long that it would be a new cancer if he did develop cancer again. Cindy struggling for air while connected to oxygen tubes. They were such bright images, and I haven't had those dreams in quite some time. I'm taking today to myself, but really struggling with lots of negative and destructive thoughts today.

I really hope that you're all having a better Monday than I am,