Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Side effects may vary

When you struggle with an Eating Disorder
The physical side effects
Such as hair loss and weight fluctuations,
Anxiety and depression,
Digestion and heart problems
Are always a threat.

I guess you could say I was lucky,
I was mostly side effect-free
For the first four years of my disorder,
However, I have seen a rapid decline
In my physical and mental health,
Over the past two years.

I always knew my bulimia could kill me,
I always knew that the physical symptoms
Would only get worse,
And that my brain needs food
To recover from other mental illnesses.

However, I've never really been
Scared of what dying.
It may be morbid, bit it's true.
I've always embraced the fact that we have
A finite time here on Earth.

Today it hit me though,
How fast death was approaching
I was no longer walking towards it
At a relatively typical pace
But I was barreling towards it
Barely stopping to breath.

And when I do stop to breath,
Death approaches me,
Because when I'm not starving
I'm binging and purging,
And both evils bring me
Closer to death.

I realized today,
As I was crippled in stomach pain
Lying in bed unable to go to class
That I may not even
Get the chance to finish
My undergraduate degree.

I've had plans of pursuing
Higher and higher education
And spending my entire life learning,
Doing research as a professor,
But I may not live that long,
Or be too sick to be in school.

I already have three to five
Appointments every week.
Different doctors and counselors
Trying to adjust my body and brain,
To give me more time
And hope that it's worth it.

I need to stop.
I can't keep on binging and purging
Like I am at the moment.
I can't starve myself until I binge.
Because at this rate,
I'll be in the hospital
By next summer.

I'm not ready to give it up
But I need to fight a bit more
So I made myself a deal.

I will not purge on October 7th.
Or October 8th, 9th, or 10th.
In fact, today I had my last purge
Of the month of October.

I'm terrified.
Terrified I'll binge and gain.
Terrified I won't know how to function.
But I can't spend the rest
Of the month with my head
In the toilet.

I am also insisting
That I eat at least
Eight hundred calories
Every day.

I know it's not a lot,
In fact it's nowhere close
To enough, however:
I need to start somewhere.
And this is where my
Path begins.


-Niqi
xoxo

No comments:

Post a Comment