Thursday, October 15, 2015

Showering

I've always been one to prefer purging in the shower.
I would purge, then wash up, and then start my day 'fresh'.
Of course, by 'fresh' I mean dehydrated, tired and sore.
But either way, it's how I functioned.

I've been purging less lately.
So I got into the shower today and had food in my stomach from last night.
I got ready to purge, and then realized that I didn't binge last night or this morning, and that I didn't need to purge.
I honestly got a bit confused.

I'm so used to purging, then cleaning myself as fast as possible to not collapse in the shower,
Glamorous, right?
So I got in the shower this morning, and shaved, and cleaned myself.
I actually got to enjoy the hot water hitting my body, and did a proper shampooing and conditioning.

It sometimes hits me, how much my eating disorder has taken away from me.
When I go to eat a slice of pizza (which I did two days ago without purging!!), and realize I forgot how to eat it without picking it apart, I realize how sick I am.

But today I realized, that not only has my eating disorder has taken away my ability to feed myself properly, it has also taken away my ability to enjoy showering and feeling nice and clean.

-Niqi
xoxo

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