Saturday, October 10, 2015

I have no social worker

I mentioned this briefly in my lost post... but I wanted to explain what happened. It's world mental health day, and people need to realize how bad the mental health system can be at times.

As you know, I suffer from borderline personality disorder, bulimia, anxiety and depression. I realize that this combination is hard to treat. However, I go to all my appointments and group. I'm highly functioning. I do try, even if I don't believe something is going to help. I am willing to give it a go.

I saw my social worker yesterday. I was in a bad mood because when I was having a rough weekend, I didn't feel as though she handled it very well, and she also told me that it wasn't looking like the ED program at my hospital would take me.

But we went through the session, we worked on my DBT skills. I have a really hard time doing chain analysis for my binging and purging, because it just seems to be something I do that is so routine that I couldn't break it down. It's also not something I'm ready to fully give up yet.

At the end of our session she told me I didn't have to see her anymore if I didn't want to. She said she didn't think that our sessions were particularly helpful, and if I wasn't finding them beneficial I shouldn't continue seeing her. She pressed on this idea a lot and asked me why I was seeing her. I said because I wanted to work on my body image and relationships. She asked me how. Well I don't know.. that's why I seek professional help. You're supposed to have ideas on what we can do.

It really seemed as though she was trying to get rid of me because I don't know how to help myself and I didn't have enough goals that we could work on. She said she didn't know what we should do in our sessions to help me, and so there wasn't much point in me seeing her.

Long story short, I no longer have a social worker.

There's just so much going on in my brain I don't know how to sort it out and make sense of my life and get to a better place. Clearly she doesn't know how to deal with me either.

Part of me is relieved that I have one less appointment to go to every week. But that also means one less support. God I'm frustrated.

-Niqi
xoxo

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