Saturday, October 10, 2015

Damn hospital

I've been trying on and off to get into the outpatient eating disorder clinic at my local hospital. The problem is, they don't take patients with concurrent behaviors, such as suicidal behaviors/threats, self harm, or substance abuse.

I have greatly reduced my self harm over the past year, and haven't attempted suicide in over a year.

However, my case was used as a case study at a meeting the hospital recently had with the youth wellness team in my city. They basically said that they couldn't take a case like mine, because of the risk of slipping back into suicidal behaviors or self harm.

I'm debating whether or not I should call the intake nurse and ask for an intake appointment. I mean I could lie.... Then I'd have a chance at getting in. But they don't seem to want me. Will they really be able to treat me if this is the case?  I'm honestly so angry right now, I want nothing to do with them. My anger is irrational and has been controlling me for the past couple days.. but really? I'm too sick for help? Wow, thanks.

I'm honestly so ridiculously fed up with our mental health system. My options are very limited in terms of treatment because I refuse to take a break from school. Why am I being punished for this? I'm a highly functional sick person, and thus they don't care as much? This seems ridiculous.

I want to get treatment from you. I am working on my self harm and suicidal behaviors additionally in a DBT group. But I can't get more intensive treatment because then I have to leave school and gymnastics. I don't think that being dedicated to school and gymnastics is problematic. It shows that I have reasons to get better, things in my life that will improve if I get well. So why is this an issue? I don't understand... I get told I'm resisting treatment, when really I just want to be able to get treatment while attending school.

Now, when my social worker told me this news, I was obviously quite upset, so the rest of our session didn't go over quite well. She made it pretty clear, that she didn't think I was ready to make any changes in my life, and that she didn't want to work with me anymore, so I won't be working with a social worker anymore. Thankfully I still have my therapist, doctor and DBT group, and I love them all, because it seems as though everyone else is turning me away.

The good news is that I'm on day four of no binging or purging! I don't know if DBT is helping, or if my stomach pain on Monday scared me into having to change.. but I'll take it. It's very strange eating so much and keeping it down though... I don't want to give up binging or purging, but I need to reduce it drastically while in school, because the rate at which my body has been falling apart will not allow me to continue being in school or gymnastics... and those are my two reasons too live.

I hope all you Canadians have a great Thanksgiving weekend! I'll be posting my thanksgiving meal on Monday!

(Also, my exciting news comes out tomorrow, so stay tuned!)

-Niqi
xoxo

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