Friday, October 23, 2015

I think some
Of the worst days
Are when everything
Is going well
But your still
Crying
On your bed
Wanting
To die.

Others tell us
We have no reason
To be sad, upset,
Or discouraged.
No one comes
To give us hug.

They're secretively
Happy we've reached
Our tipping point
Hoping that maybe
They can steal
Our crown.

I'd give them
My crown
If it meant that
Just for a moment
I could
Be happy.

-Niqi
xoxo

Monday, October 19, 2015

Politics

Politics make me so angry. Sometimes I just want to slap some sense into everyone around me.

But hey, we got Liberal government, and it's looking like it will be a majority! Finally, we got rid of Harper.

I'm really hoping for some positive change. Lowering the costs of prescription meds, legalizing weed and hopefully undoing some of the damage Harper has done.

I'm not going to lie, I'm mostly relieved. I need to sleep, but if I wake up to a majority I'll be happy.

-Niqi
xoxo

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Twitter drama

I know most of you have come to this blog because I tweet the link about a hundred times a day.

For those of you who have found me through the twitter world, are most likely aware of the drama going on regarding the skinny4xmas competition.

Personally I am 100% opposed to this. However, this does not mean that I personally attack, or hate anyone who is partaking. In fact, one of my best friends is participating, and I would love for her to get well and recover, but she's not there right now and all I can do is be there for her.

This competition involves serious calorie restricting as well as over exercising. There are lots of similar 'diet' plans out there. I don't think plans like this should be promoted at all, and I don't think anyone should follow them, but I also know that we live in a fucked up world, and eating disorders are real, thus causing people to engage in dangerous activity.

Here is my real problem with this competition.

1. It's a competition. Honestly? What the fuck. Eating disorders are not competitions. They are not games. This isn't a weight loss challenge - this is promoting eating disorders, normalizing the behavior and making compete against one another in order to be the sickest. Which is absolutely disgusting.

2. They tie Christmas into it. Christmas is really hard for me. I go visit my parents, there's lots of food, I have several break downs over the food, and my parents witness how sick I truly am. Christmas used to be a time where I would bake batch after batch of cookies, and make a lovely quiche for all the other vegetarians. We'd sing carols, and open presents and try to steal each other's chocolate oranges. I don't want to be sick at Christmas. I wish I could be magically recovered for Christmas. I want to be able to eat what I want without caring. I want to be able to go home and not see my mom cry because I've lost weight, or be so uncomfortable with myself because I gained from binging.

Anyhow, that was more than 140 characters, so I couldn't tweet my opinion, and I wanted to get that off my chest. I am now going to do my best to stay away from all that drama, because it brings up a lot of anger in me and I don't need that in my life.

-Niqi
xoxo

Counting down

I used to count up
Up by ones, twos and threes
Until I got to a hundred.
Then I got good at it,
So my dad would time me
And I’d count up by twos or threes
As fast as I could.

I guess I was counting up
But the time on the stopwatch
Was going down
Down
down
Where each lower number
Was me getting better

And I guess that was
The start of the descent
When something in my mind turned
And I realized that lower was better

I’ve been a gymnast
Since a wee little girl
And after every routine
My coach would yell out
How many deduction
Points she took off

No need to say,
I learned very quickly
To rejoice at small numbers
And grin ear to ear
Every time she got close
To saying zero.

My math teacher would always
Push me because she knew
I was smart
And I guess I should be thankful
Because I got into university
And I’ll one day get a job
But I can’t help but resent her
And every time I make
A mistake or two
I hear her voice
Telling me I could have done better

Once the point
In being almost perfect
When you have the potential
To truly be perfect.

As life went on
Everything became a race
Because the less time it takes
The more people cheer
And the less help you need
The more people smile
And the less of a voice
The more people are nice
So I kept on counting
Down down and down

I got to a point so numb
I couldn’t think or breathe or move
So I stepped on a glass slate
The number was high and
I’m supposed to be less

I sometimes need time
And I sometimes need help
And I sometimes need my voice
But this I could control
This I didn’t need
This would be the way
That I would count down.


-Niqi
xoxo

Saturday, October 17, 2015

No scale

I'm up spending some time at my dad's
Which I haven't done in almost a year
As I've been to sick
To come home and not relapse
Back to the very very bad times
When I was purging at least
Three times a day

Rachel Platten's fight song comes to mind

"Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep, say I'm in too deep
It's been two years I miss my home
There's a fire burning in my soul
Still believe, ya I still believe"

As this accurately represents
The last year of my life.

As I was packing to leave
I packed and unpacked my scale
About five hundred times
Oh goodness did I want to bring my scale
But it's heavy, and takes up room
And is it really that necessary?

I should be able to go four days
Without stepping on a piece of glass
Which I let measure my worth.
However, I'm finding it
Increasingly difficult to eat
And follow my plan every day

The voices in my head
Are getting louder and louder
And I'm scared of what the glass slate
Will tell me when I get back home

How will it punish me for not abiding
By it's ridiculous rules
Of stripping every time
I use the washroom to see
How my weight changed
Every time I had to pee.

It's a bit freeing to live
Without this slate in my bathroom,
But my brain is going crazy
Because once I get back,
Vacation is over
And I become
A slave
Once again

-Niqi
xoxo

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Showering

I've always been one to prefer purging in the shower.
I would purge, then wash up, and then start my day 'fresh'.
Of course, by 'fresh' I mean dehydrated, tired and sore.
But either way, it's how I functioned.

I've been purging less lately.
So I got into the shower today and had food in my stomach from last night.
I got ready to purge, and then realized that I didn't binge last night or this morning, and that I didn't need to purge.
I honestly got a bit confused.

I'm so used to purging, then cleaning myself as fast as possible to not collapse in the shower,
Glamorous, right?
So I got in the shower this morning, and shaved, and cleaned myself.
I actually got to enjoy the hot water hitting my body, and did a proper shampooing and conditioning.

It sometimes hits me, how much my eating disorder has taken away from me.
When I go to eat a slice of pizza (which I did two days ago without purging!!), and realize I forgot how to eat it without picking it apart, I realize how sick I am.

But today I realized, that not only has my eating disorder has taken away my ability to feed myself properly, it has also taken away my ability to enjoy showering and feeling nice and clean.

-Niqi
xoxo

Monday, October 12, 2015

Pumpkin spice

I had pumpkin spice in my coffee today. I thought I should jump on the whole thanksgiving pumpkin spice bandwagon. It was okay. Not great. I'm much more of a cinnamon or hazelnut coffee kind of girl.

I didn't take my antacids today because I binged and purged all morning. I was tasting pumpkin spice all throughout gymnastics practice. I feel stuffed because I worked hard to get all my calories over snacks and dinner. It was quite an odd dinner to be honest - raspberries, a frozen vanilla ensure, a pumpkin scone (I may not be a fan of pumpkin coffee, but I love pumpkin baked goods!) and coffee.

Ugh I suppose that I'm plugging away though. Things are tough. But I'm tougher.

-Niqi
xoxo

Sunday, October 11, 2015

Stigma

About a year ago, I found a post on tumblr (you can check it out here), where I girl wrote different things people had said to her on pill bottles. She was bullied as a child, and wrote the things that triggered her mental illness and caused her take medication for her mental illness.

I was really inspired by this, so over the past year I've been collecting my anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication bottles wanting to make a similar piece.

Personally, I have not been a victim of a lot of bullying. When I came out about my mental illness is when I started finding that people would judge me and started thinking lower of me. I sat down yesterday deciding that World Mental Health Day was a good day to start my piece. I started writing some of the things people have said to me since I started being honest about my mental illness. It shocked me how upset working on this made me, and how quickly I was able to come up with enough things that people have told me.

Here is the finished product:


All of these things have been said about me - either to my face or indirectly, with reference to my mental illnesses.

I am very lucky to have an amazing support system, that is extremely understanding and helpful. However, there will always be people who don't understand. Who will say mean things. Who will judge you based on what a doctor wrote on your medical chart. All I can do is hope that the stigma continues to lessen, so that I don't feel as though I should be ashamed over things I don't have control over.

-Niqi
xoxo

Saturday, October 10, 2015

I have no social worker

I mentioned this briefly in my lost post... but I wanted to explain what happened. It's world mental health day, and people need to realize how bad the mental health system can be at times.

As you know, I suffer from borderline personality disorder, bulimia, anxiety and depression. I realize that this combination is hard to treat. However, I go to all my appointments and group. I'm highly functioning. I do try, even if I don't believe something is going to help. I am willing to give it a go.

I saw my social worker yesterday. I was in a bad mood because when I was having a rough weekend, I didn't feel as though she handled it very well, and she also told me that it wasn't looking like the ED program at my hospital would take me.

But we went through the session, we worked on my DBT skills. I have a really hard time doing chain analysis for my binging and purging, because it just seems to be something I do that is so routine that I couldn't break it down. It's also not something I'm ready to fully give up yet.

At the end of our session she told me I didn't have to see her anymore if I didn't want to. She said she didn't think that our sessions were particularly helpful, and if I wasn't finding them beneficial I shouldn't continue seeing her. She pressed on this idea a lot and asked me why I was seeing her. I said because I wanted to work on my body image and relationships. She asked me how. Well I don't know.. that's why I seek professional help. You're supposed to have ideas on what we can do.

It really seemed as though she was trying to get rid of me because I don't know how to help myself and I didn't have enough goals that we could work on. She said she didn't know what we should do in our sessions to help me, and so there wasn't much point in me seeing her.

Long story short, I no longer have a social worker.

There's just so much going on in my brain I don't know how to sort it out and make sense of my life and get to a better place. Clearly she doesn't know how to deal with me either.

Part of me is relieved that I have one less appointment to go to every week. But that also means one less support. God I'm frustrated.

-Niqi
xoxo

Damn hospital

I've been trying on and off to get into the outpatient eating disorder clinic at my local hospital. The problem is, they don't take patients with concurrent behaviors, such as suicidal behaviors/threats, self harm, or substance abuse.

I have greatly reduced my self harm over the past year, and haven't attempted suicide in over a year.

However, my case was used as a case study at a meeting the hospital recently had with the youth wellness team in my city. They basically said that they couldn't take a case like mine, because of the risk of slipping back into suicidal behaviors or self harm.

I'm debating whether or not I should call the intake nurse and ask for an intake appointment. I mean I could lie.... Then I'd have a chance at getting in. But they don't seem to want me. Will they really be able to treat me if this is the case?  I'm honestly so angry right now, I want nothing to do with them. My anger is irrational and has been controlling me for the past couple days.. but really? I'm too sick for help? Wow, thanks.

I'm honestly so ridiculously fed up with our mental health system. My options are very limited in terms of treatment because I refuse to take a break from school. Why am I being punished for this? I'm a highly functional sick person, and thus they don't care as much? This seems ridiculous.

I want to get treatment from you. I am working on my self harm and suicidal behaviors additionally in a DBT group. But I can't get more intensive treatment because then I have to leave school and gymnastics. I don't think that being dedicated to school and gymnastics is problematic. It shows that I have reasons to get better, things in my life that will improve if I get well. So why is this an issue? I don't understand... I get told I'm resisting treatment, when really I just want to be able to get treatment while attending school.

Now, when my social worker told me this news, I was obviously quite upset, so the rest of our session didn't go over quite well. She made it pretty clear, that she didn't think I was ready to make any changes in my life, and that she didn't want to work with me anymore, so I won't be working with a social worker anymore. Thankfully I still have my therapist, doctor and DBT group, and I love them all, because it seems as though everyone else is turning me away.

The good news is that I'm on day four of no binging or purging! I don't know if DBT is helping, or if my stomach pain on Monday scared me into having to change.. but I'll take it. It's very strange eating so much and keeping it down though... I don't want to give up binging or purging, but I need to reduce it drastically while in school, because the rate at which my body has been falling apart will not allow me to continue being in school or gymnastics... and those are my two reasons too live.

I hope all you Canadians have a great Thanksgiving weekend! I'll be posting my thanksgiving meal on Monday!

(Also, my exciting news comes out tomorrow, so stay tuned!)

-Niqi
xoxo

Thursday, October 8, 2015

No more purging

I did it yesterday. At around 1350 though. It feels so so strange to eat that much. It shouldn't, yet it does.

Turns out that my stomach pain was at least partly caused by my period making a surprise viewing today. Which is a nice relief, but it would be nice if my period could be regular.

Today is tough. I had two midterms today. All I want to do is eat a dozen donuts and some buttery salty pasta and purge. Ugh. I'm going to go pick up a clif bar and I'm drinking lots of Chai tea.

The good news is, all my responsibilities for the week are over. I can take a slight break from school work, breathe, and then get caught up over my reading week.

Alright, off to pick up a snack. That will help. I am stronger than my bulimia. I won't purge.


-Niqi
xoxo

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Side effects may vary

When you struggle with an Eating Disorder
The physical side effects
Such as hair loss and weight fluctuations,
Anxiety and depression,
Digestion and heart problems
Are always a threat.

I guess you could say I was lucky,
I was mostly side effect-free
For the first four years of my disorder,
However, I have seen a rapid decline
In my physical and mental health,
Over the past two years.

I always knew my bulimia could kill me,
I always knew that the physical symptoms
Would only get worse,
And that my brain needs food
To recover from other mental illnesses.

However, I've never really been
Scared of what dying.
It may be morbid, bit it's true.
I've always embraced the fact that we have
A finite time here on Earth.

Today it hit me though,
How fast death was approaching
I was no longer walking towards it
At a relatively typical pace
But I was barreling towards it
Barely stopping to breath.

And when I do stop to breath,
Death approaches me,
Because when I'm not starving
I'm binging and purging,
And both evils bring me
Closer to death.

I realized today,
As I was crippled in stomach pain
Lying in bed unable to go to class
That I may not even
Get the chance to finish
My undergraduate degree.

I've had plans of pursuing
Higher and higher education
And spending my entire life learning,
Doing research as a professor,
But I may not live that long,
Or be too sick to be in school.

I already have three to five
Appointments every week.
Different doctors and counselors
Trying to adjust my body and brain,
To give me more time
And hope that it's worth it.

I need to stop.
I can't keep on binging and purging
Like I am at the moment.
I can't starve myself until I binge.
Because at this rate,
I'll be in the hospital
By next summer.

I'm not ready to give it up
But I need to fight a bit more
So I made myself a deal.

I will not purge on October 7th.
Or October 8th, 9th, or 10th.
In fact, today I had my last purge
Of the month of October.

I'm terrified.
Terrified I'll binge and gain.
Terrified I won't know how to function.
But I can't spend the rest
Of the month with my head
In the toilet.

I am also insisting
That I eat at least
Eight hundred calories
Every day.

I know it's not a lot,
In fact it's nowhere close
To enough, however:
I need to start somewhere.
And this is where my
Path begins.


-Niqi
xoxo

Monday, October 5, 2015

Binge cravings

Why is it so hard.

All I want to do is binge and purge.

I can imagine placing the food in my mouth.

A sweet cupcake with creamy icing.
Buttery noodles with melted cheese.
Peanut butter-nutella-banana sandwiches.
Donuts filled with custard.
Pretzels.
Garlic bread.
Milk shakes.
Muffins.
Ice cream.
Grilled cheese.
Pizza.

I want this so badly.

But I can't. I must break this cycle. It's been four days in a row, and I had three sessions yesterday.

I'm also ridiculously broke because of all this binging and purging. Food isn't cheap. Even when you buy it on clearance. It adds up when you go through it at the rate I do.

-Niqi
xoxo

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Binge shopping

There's this feeling that I think only bulimics may understand. It happens when you finally give in to those binge urges that have been haunting you for the past few minutes, hours or days. Those thoughts that keep telling you that you need donuts, a pizza or a cake. That voice that tells you that it will leave you alone if you just binge and purge. You get this rush as you walk to the grocery store, and it intensifies as you get to your favorite aisle. If your favorite food is on sale, it's almost too much excitement to bear. And that feeling when you take the first bite, of the food you'd been longing for, that taste you've been aching for.

I wish the feeling wasn't as good.

Maybe then it would be easier to stop.


-Niqi
xoxo

Friday, October 2, 2015

questioning

When I was young
I was always told
To question everything
To look at everything
From both sides

I questioned why
People tried to kill
Themselves
But was never able
To come up
With an answer

I wish it could
Have stayed this
Way
But unfortunately I found
My answer.

When you start
To question everything
You eventually question
Your life itself.

Why are we here?
Is there a purpose?
The universe is so vast,
how can we
mean anything at all?

I was told this was just
An existential crisis,
And part of growing up,
It would pass, I just needed
To stop questioning life so much.

That's not how I was raised.
I was raised to find answers
And to be logical with my actions
And I'm struggling to find the answer
To why I must stay alive.


-Niqi
xoxo

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Hello October

October decided to great me with a super super busy day.

Days like this need excessive planning.






















And now it's time to push through, and go rock this day. Yay for coffee!!

-Niqi
xoxo