Wednesday, September 30, 2015

October goals

  • enjoy my reading week, and get caught up on readings
  • b/p every other day at most
  • lose 10 lbs
  • spend at least 15 minutes practicing some form of mindfulness
  • practice DBT skills every day
  • continue to put effort into social events
  • stop self harming
  • stop laxative use

I can do this. 



I hate generalizing about nurses, because some nurses I have had, have given me a reason to live, have convinced me to eat or not purge, and really helped me during impulsive times, as well as times of distress.

One of my best friend's is a nurse, and she's fabulous. I can't imagine her ever being mean to anyone.

But I've had a few nurses that just seemed so uneducated on mental illnesses, that have triggered me or encouraged me to engage in behaviors.

Yesterday, I had a particularly bad nurse.
Those who have seen me in person know I'm a relatively small person. Most people underestimate my weight because I have a high muscle percentage. I'm not trying to sound stuck up or anything, and I feel fat a lot, but logically, I know that my BMI is at the low end of normal, and that others don't see me that way.

So I was getting my EKG, and already super uncomfortable with the idea of telling the nurse my weight, because I was very close to my high weight and my body image was pretty terrible. I started by telling her my height in centimeters, and she thought that was my weight. My height in cm is a solid 40lbs more than my weight in pounds.

This really triggered me because having someone think you way more than you do really doesn't help one's body image, especially when they are off by so much.

But it didn't end there. I was almost crying when I finally told her (who was being very impatient) my weight. She then left the room so I could get undressed and ready for my EKG. When she walked back into the room (she thankfully closed the door first) but repeated my weight really loudly, and converted it to kilograms out loud. Having my weight (which seemed really high to me in pounds) be converted to kg, really highlighted how much more I weighed than I usually do.

She was very unsympathetic to my discomfort, and seemed to ignore my distress.

Even if she wasn't trained in mental health, I still would expect her to be a compassionate person, and when someone is about to cry, ask if they're okay. It's not like I hide my emotions well when I'm that upset either...

Rant of the day is over, thankfully I'm feeling much more positive about my body today than I was last night.


Tuesday, September 29, 2015

tragically purple

I want to tear every part of myself open
Bleed and bleed until I'm purple
It's always been my favorite color.
The color of royalty,
And perfection.

I can picture my future
A purple room on a golden throne
With only the good remaining
A perfect body covered in glitter
Eyes the color of knowledge.

That's how I picture myself one day
Living on top of the world
But this picture's so lonely
And I'm very sad
So why do I even bother

Because I've been told
A skeleton turns purple
The second that it's cold
And it isn't hard to bleed until
Your heart is no longer beating
So I could end up
Tragically purple
And I wouldn't be alone

I guess I would never
See all the glitter
But not all that glitters is gold


Friday, September 25, 2015


I decided to make a post not about mental health, because there is more to me than my illness!

I died my hair Wednesday night, to a dark burgundy, which I have to say is the favorite color for my hair. I've had this hair color a few times now!

 I previously had this blondish hair that had like twenty different colors depending on the lighting. I like to call the color: "My hair is dead so I am now paying the price for bleaching and dying it too much and there are remnants of a bunch of different colors in it:

Before that, I had every shade of blue hair! :)

And before that, I had fushia hair!

And, finally here is a picture of the first time I died my hair!

I hope you are all doing well, I have an exciting announcement coming soon for you guys :)-Niqi

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

The end

It's scary
To realize
That you're approaching
The end
More quickly
Than you thought.

It's even more
Scary to realize
That you don't care
As much as you
Thought you would.

I don't know
When the thoughts flipped
But half my life
May already have
Gone by.


Saturday, September 19, 2015

Balancing school and mental illness

I promised this post a while back, but never got around to making it. So here goes.

School is tough. And being sick is tough. Unfortunately this doesn't create some sort of double negative situation where the toughness cancels. In fact, it multiplies. I'm in the process of attacking my third year at University, and to be perfectly honest, I am not what one should strive for. I tend to prioritize my school work above my mental health, which has caused me trips to the ER, hospitalizations, and a lower GPA then I know I could achieve, because in the end, I was too sick to perform as well I as I knew I could.

This year I am trying to remind myself of a few things.
- It's better to do a few things well then everything poorly.
- There is more to life than math (or whatever you happen to be studying)
- No matter how much of an introvert you are, you are also human. You do enjoy other people's company.
- Having someone you can be brutally honest to about your situation is important.
- Dropping a class, skipping a lecture, or handing in an assignment late does not make you worthless.
- Just because other people can get X grade, or take Y courses, doesn't mean you can.
- Being in school while suffering from a chronic illness is incredibly difficult and you are doing an amazing job.

Here are some tips I have to get through the year, that have helped me in the past.
1. Set a bed time. Even if this means that your assignment will be late, or you can't study the last chapter of your book, go to sleep. You'll do better overall if you are well-rested.

2. Make doctor/therapy/social work appointments. Even if you don't think you need one next week. Set one. You don't know what assignment will be thrown at you last minute, or who will say something insulting. Make the appointment. And go to the appointment. Talking about why you're doing is well is just as important as why you aren't.

3. Be honest. It doesn't have to be with everyone, but try to find a prof that you can explain what is happening. Even if it as vague as "I am struggling with my mental health". You'll be surprised about how useful and helpful they can be. Do be careful though, not all will understand. It's usually pretty easy to figure out which ones will based on the first lecture though.

4. Use the services available at your school. Get registered with disabilities services in order to get accommodations for classes, assignments and exams. Also, a mental illness crisis/bad episode etc is a reason to miss a deadline. If you haven't eaten in x amount of time and can't focus because of it, don't write your exam. Speak with a doctor and get it postponed. If you spent last night in the emergency room because you didn't feel safe, don't worry about the assignment that is due the next day.

5. Stay active. This is a tough one because it's hard to find a balance. Struggling with an eating disorder may make this point not applicable. But by active, I don't necessarily mean exercise. I mean sitting at your desk to do some work. Walking to class. Studying in different areas. Listen to your doctor first, exercise restriction should always be followed. But if you are allowed to exercise, the endorphins will help.

6. Be mindful. Schedule some time every day to turn off the outside world. Turn off your phone. Watch a movie, read a book, color, knit or do yoga. Focus on what you're doing. Let the thoughts of school, work and your social responsibilities drift away.

7. Join a support or treatment group. Therapists and doctors are great. But they aren't currently going through university. They are somewhat distant from the student world even if they work at your school. Groups are a great opportunity to gain perspective, advice and support from students facing similar challenges, as well as making friends who understand what you're struggling with.

I hope the first two weeks of school have gone well for all of you. I won't admit to getting through school in the most ideal way, because that would be a lie. But I've gotten through two years of university, and am working on year three now, and have returned to a full course load. I might reduce my course load, but I am hoping to be able to stick with it. These things have helped me stay (somewhat) grounded during tough times.


Thursday, September 17, 2015

Two birds,zero stones

They say that recovery from borderline personality is possible.
They say it is possible, but they also say that most do not recover.
They say it is not a life sentence, but 10% of patients commit suicide.

They say recovery from an eating disorder is possible.
They say it is possible, but also that half relapse.
They say it is not a life sentence, but 20% of patients die.

They say you need to be motivated to get better.
They say you need to give it all you've got.
And if you do, you can recover.

I'm not very motivated to get better.
And I don't have anything to give.
I've got two birds to hit, and no stones.


Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Losing 10 pounds

I was watching YouTube videos while putting makeup on this morning, and a weight watchers add came up.

The voice over said: How does it feel to lose 10 pounds? And there was a video of a girl looking confident in the bathroom mirror and applying on red lipstick. There was another girl there staring in awe.

Let me tell you how it felt about a year ago, when I lost 10 pounds and got to my low weight. I felt happy for an instance, when I stepped on the scale. I felt untouchable, magical, high, and like nothing could stop me.
Then I sat down at my desk. My life was still the same. I still had to send out emails I didn't want to deal with. I still had to run errands, and get through the day. I told myself I didn't need breakfast, and walked to the gym.
People were staring alright, but it was probably because of the giant bags under my eyes, and the warm sweat pants and sweater I was wearing on a warm August morning. My long hair looked thin and sick. Partly due to many rounds of bleaching and dying, but mostly due to the lack of nutrients.
I grabbed a coffee at Starbucks. I could feel everyone watching as I sat to sip on my venti black coffee. I felt myself shaking from the caffeine and lack of food, but I stood up, put my hand back on the table to steady myself until the stars went away, and walked to the gym.
Once there I got up on a stationary bike and peddled. Now more people were staring, but this time because of the scars on my arms and legs, reminding my that no matter my weight, I was still the same person, I was still miserable.
I ended up lying down in the student center. I didn't know what to do. I was hungry, but couldn't eat, because I had lost weight. I started feeling pressure to lose more and more weight. (The pressure ended up causing me to binge and gain weight again.) I felt clumps of hair fall out every time I brushed through it. I felt my head pounding every minute, and my eyes constantly closing from exhaustion. I felt isolated and cold. I always felt cold.

To summarize, I felt awful.

So Weight Watchers, if you want an honest answer to "how does it feel to lose 10 pounds?" It feels like going through hell, and getting nothing out of it.


Sunday, September 13, 2015

New roommate

One of my best friends just moved into my house. I'm super super excited about this, because I do feel distanced from the other people in my house. There are a few things I'm concerned about though...

She's in ED recovery, following her meal plan, not eating diet products, and not skipping snacks. I, on the other hand have been taken off my meal plan, because having me not follow it day after day was ridiculous. I'm still focusing on all the reasons why I have an eating disorder, and maybe then I will want to recover. But at this point, if I don't want to get better, I won't, so focusing on why I don't want to get better.

I'm just really scared of triggering her. Having her around makes me more motivated, and consider recovery more seriously, but I am still so deep in my disorder that I can't imagine doing what she's doing. I don't want her to relapse because of me.

On the other hand, it is really nice to have someone who understands what it is like around.


Saturday, September 12, 2015

High weight

I meant to post this
A few weeks ago
When I was sitting
At my highest weight.

It was caused several
Binges after binges
Where I would fall asleep
And never purge.

But that's not the point
The point is that I
Was still me
I was still good at math
Funny, and kind

Gaining weight
And rising above that
Number I told myself
I would never go over
Didn't kill me
Like I thought it would.

Yes, I was distressed,
Yes, I was upset
Yes my ED yelled at me
And yes, I made myself
Lose the extra six pounds.

But again, that's not the point
The point is that I
Learned something important
I now have proof
That I can still function
I can still work,
And I can still study
If I don't control my weight.

I knew this logically
But experiencing it was quite
Different than expected.

So here are some pictures
Of me posing
At I weight I am
Highly uncomfortable with.

Now I just want to note,
This weight was well
Within my healthy range,
In fact my doctor claims
I was still on the small side.

But to me all I see,
In this picture is me,
Covered in layers
And layers of fat.

So I'm taking a step here
And showing you all
That I can still be me
(And you can still be you)
Even if you feel
Disgusted with yourself.


This is not a suicide note

This is not a suicide note
It is a note, yes
One for you to read
In case I die early
Of starvation or
A torn esophagus or
Maybe a heart attack.

But this isn't a note
You will be reading
After I decided to cease
Existing, late one evening.

Because I have sworn
And I have pledged
That I will not try to die
For at least eleven years

I want you to know
That I love all of you
Oh so very much
And if I could of recovered
It would have been for you

I tried getting better
Eating and eating
Not letting my actions
Succumb to the the menacing
Hiss, of the voice in my head.
But as much as I thought
Of how I wanted to be alive
To go on more adventures
With all of you
The voice didn't care
And took over completely.

I guess it was my actions
That killed me,
And I guess it was
My decision to continue
But I want you to know
That I enjoyed the time
We spent together.
This isn't a suicide note
But I'm sorry I killed myself.


Wednesday, September 9, 2015


As someone with an eating disorder I love food. If someone with an eating disorder tells you they hate food, they're lying. I don't mean to overgeneralize, but a binge eater and some bulimics are addicted to food, anorexics and some bulimics are so deprived that the survival part of there brain can't stop thinking about food, and osfed/ednos patients tend to have some combination. The point is we're obsessed with food. We may hate good, but we also love it.

One of the struggles I've had with living in a student house, is having to pay for food. I'll pay for binge food, because I'm in such an impulsive I need food now state. However, when its time to go grocery shopping I don't want to invest in food. I'm broke, spend any spare money I have on my bige food... How am I supposed to pay for normal food? The worst part is I get trapped in this cycle where I don't allow myself to buy any food for a week because I spent too much money binging and  purging, but then I restrict, get really hungry, and impulsively buy binge food, thus spending more money on food then I would have had I just bought groceries.

I took a big step yesterday, and spent money on real food. I haven't done real groceries in about three weeks, so all the food I had left was either packaged dry foods (which I love but can't live off of), or going bad. I eat a lot of fruits, veggies and yogurts, so only having oats, protein powder and canned soup was not cutting it for me.

I spent more money than I would have liked, and I'm definitely under financial stress and need to find myself a job this weekend, but the good news is I have food that is healthy and that I'm excited to eat!

Here's some of what I got:
Organic shredded multicolored carrots (they were on sale)
Frozen strawberries and raspberries
Egg whites
Cliff bars.

I'm super pumped for dinner which is a spaghetti squash and carrot stirfry! (With an ensure for protein and calories). I left my house at ten, and won't get back until eleven, so I need something I could take with me.

I hope you're all managing food, school, and your mental health!!


Monday, September 7, 2015

To those of you starting school...

You are more than your grades.
You are more than the bitchy remark that girl at the back of your class made.
You are more than the red marks on your test.

Things will be okay. Take a deep breath. If you're in high school, I know it sucks. But it's what you've got to do. If you're in university, take it in. You've made it this far. Try to enjoy the learning even though it's easy for it to get lost in all the stress.

There is so much to all of you. So so so much more to you than how well you're doing in school, and how well you get along with the people in your class or program.

I know it's hard to see. And I promise I'm not just saying that. I don't see very much more in myself then my grades and my weight. But there isn't a single person that I see purely through their grades. Please remember that your health is more important than school. And this will always always be true.



I made a plan
The problem is
Making the plan
Is the easy part
Following it
Is a lot harder.

It's easy to say
That I'll eat dinner
And two snacks
Every single day.

All I want to do
Is binge and purge
And binge and purge
Drop out of everything
And let myself die.

The problem is
I promised to stay alive
Until I'm thirty
And if I'm going to be alive
I'm going to do it
The best way possible.

That means school
Which requires
Some amount
Of brain power.

So I have to find
A balance between
Sickness and health
Because I need my
Self destruction
To stay alive.


Friday, September 4, 2015

Dear first year me

There are several Dear first year me floating around, but I thought that I would make my own. This one really addresses the issues I faced during first year, and it may not all be applicable. But I hope maybe some of the advice I have to share can help some of you.

I hope all first year students are having a wonderful Welcome Week, and that everyone else isn't too stressed about returning to school.

You are worth more than your grades.


Thursday, September 3, 2015


Sorry I haven't been posting lately, I've been much more tired and busy being a welcome week rep than I expected to be.
I've also been struggling quite a bit this week food wise, and depression wise. My suicidal ideations have returned, my urges to self harm have been high, and I've been incredibly anxious.
I had to leave my team yesterday because of a panic attack, and I feel pretty guilty for that.
I am really excited for school to get started though. Between getting to do math (which I love) all the time, and having a nice consistent schedule, and planning events for the math and stats society I have so much to look forward too.
I will be posting more soon, and back to almost daily next week.
Sorry for the lack of activity, I love you all  
I'm going to push through this hard week, and I know that all of you who are struggling right now will get through it as well.
Happy September!