Thursday, August 20, 2015

Why recover?

I often ask myself this question. I trap myself in many negative thought cycles and manage to convince myself that recovery isn't worth it. But this isn't what this post is about.

I stumbled across a Marya Hornbacher quote the other day:
"Bear in mind she's trying to kill you. Bear in mind you have a life to live."

Is easy to forget both of these things. When running around in starvation induced mania, feeling high after purging, and using your eating disorder to get through all the struggles in life, it's easy to forget that it's actually killing you. I actually find it extremely easy to convince myself that this is how I keep myself alive. I can go for a good month or so pretending everything is fine before it hits me, the intense stomach pain sets in, the heartburn gets bad again and I realize that this disease is killing me.

It's also easy to forget that I have a life to live. It's easy to convince myself that this is my life, watching Netflix, blogging, studying, and of course, obsessing over my weight, food, and exercise. I do have dreams and goals. I want to be a professor, preferably in California. I want to spend my weekends reading and working out. I want a cat and a comfortable couch to relax on. I want a beautiful kitchen to make beautiful meals filled with local fruits and vegetables. I can't have this if I die.

Since I fell upon this quote I've been trying to ask myself what I'm forgetting when I'm trying to binge and purge. Sometimes I forget I have a life to live. I forget I have hobbies, friends, work and school. I have extra time so I might was well binge and purge. I figure I won't miss out on much if I die so I binge and purge. Other times though, I forgot that my bulimia is trying to kill me. I trick myself into thinking I can live a long healthy life binging and purging every few days, and liquid fasting on other days. I want to live my life, but I forget that I can't actually live my life with my eating disorder.

When I remind myself of these things, recovery seems like a very good idea.

-Niqi
xoxo

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