Tuesday, August 11, 2015

We accept the love we think we deserve

This is one of my all time favorite quotes.

I'm not going to lie, I didn't fully understand the meaning at first. Not until I knew what it was like to be in a toxic relationship. And even then, I only really realized what was going on when I got out of the relationship(s).

(trigger warning - sexually explicit)
I spent several months this year dressing up and going on 'dates' with guys I met on tinder. I'd usually get them to buy me a coffee, and then go sleep with them. I was impulsive, and they would see my scars. They'd make up sweet nothings and tell me I was pretty. I'd get undressed and sleep with them. They were using me for sex. I guess I was using them for reassurance that I was pretty. I'd never talk to these boys again.

I also put a lot of effort into one sided friendships, and trying to connect with family members that did not accept me. 99% of my friends and family are very supportive. But there have been a few friendships and relationships that I've let go of.

I'm in a a few really positive relationships right now. I have a few of the most amazing friends one could ever ask for, a great boyfriend, and I'm becoming more comfortable being open and honest with my parents. I feel strange about sometimes. I wonder why I'm not being taken advantage of. I wonder why my boyfriend doesn't insist I 'get better for him' or use my impulsivity to do things with me I wouldn't normally do. I wonder why my friends don't talk about how crazy I am behind my back. I wonder my parents don't see me as a lost cause, and why they still support me financially. I just don't feel like I deserve it.

However, I am trying to accept the love I am receiving. I may not feel like I deserve it, but the people giving me the love think I do. So why should I argue?  I'm known for not giving myself full credit. So I'm no longer questioning the wonderful support and love I'm receiving. And honestly, I feel a lot better then I did before.

Accept love. Accept real love. Accept support, compassion and empathy. Accept help. Don't accept fake love from those who are secretly plotting against you, hitting you or backstabbing you. You all deserve it, no matter what you may think.


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