Or is it?
I've been thinking a lot about all the work I've done this past year with regards to working on relationships, dealing with distress, and emotion regulation which are the three main pillars of DBT.
So I kind of figured, okay now I have to focus on the food. I want to lose weight and at times I genuinely enjoy binging and purging. So maybe it is about the food.
I told this to my therapist today. I had plans upon plans of things I could do to reduce binging and purging. She mentioned that plans were good but was I going to follow them. And for some reason, I couldn't honestly reply yes. I also couldn't tell her my plan was to get me to stop binging and purging. It was only to reduce it.
My therapist asked me to describe my ideal life.
I decided to be brutally honest. Here it is.
I would be maintaining my UGW
I would be exercising daily (which I genuinely do enjoy disorder aside)
I would b/p once a week to relax
I would go to ball games often and chat with friends over a cooler.
I would be a mathematician.
I would liquid diet 1/week to cleanse
I would take long walks on the beach
I'd own a cat (or cats)
I'd learn to surf
Some aspects of this life are wonderful. But my eating disorder is still there. In the best life I can imagine for myself I still have an eating disorder. Which my therapist pointed out to me today, that clearly part of me can't let go of the control. I've been going through the motions and not taking DBT completely seriously. And maybe I need to.
But I guess the point is, it's clearly not about the food. If it was, I could easily imagine a life without it. But since I can't do that, there is a much deeper underlying issue.