Monday, August 17, 2015

Healthy

They smiled and told me I looked healthy.
That I must be doing well.
Your mother told me you were having a hard time.
That food was a challenge.
But you look good they said.

Did I?

Well good for me.

Because little did they know that I had my head in the toilet three times that day.
That the reason I was gaining weight was that I was binging so much I would fall asleep and those 10000 calories were what I kept in.
Little did they know that what I ate in front of them that night was going to cause so much self hatred that I would binge and purge an extra five times the next day.

See, I'm a bulimic.
I'm currently 10 pounds heavier than I was at this time last week.
And no I'm not bloated and it's not that time of the month, but I had a hard time and I gained ten pounds in a single week.
People have been congratulating me.
I opened up about my eating disorder, and people just thought I should eat a little more.
What they didn't understand is that I don't restrict.
I cut food out of my life because my bulimia makes me binge and purge it.
And when I restrict I'm restricting to purge because I binged the day before.
And people are quick to push aside the first four years of my suffering because I only purged via laxatives and over-exercising and I wasn't puking so I was fine right?
Who cares about the fact that my bowels are so lazy it takes up to a week for that safe lentil salad I ate to go through my system.
Who cares that I spent my weekends crying in the bathroom instead of going out.
My weight was fine. I wasn't puking.

Lately I've spent my days binging then purging then binging then purging then binging then purging then binging until I'm too exhausted to purge and I fall asleep
I've been gaining weight so quickly it's ridiculous. And people seem to think this is okay, because at least at the end of the day I ate and kept food down.
And I'm staying within my natural BMI range.
What you don't understand is that it's not healthy to gain so much weight in so little time.
It's not healthy to binge until you're in such physical pain that you can barely move.
I'm not healthy whether or not I look like it.

How bad I am doing has little to do with my weight.
If my weight goes up I could be nourishing my body, or I could be binging on tens of thousands of calories.
If my weight goes down I could be purging everything, or I could have reduced my binges.
Looking at the size of my thighs and feeling my bones as you hug me will never give you an accurate read of my health
because my mental illnesses has to do with so much more than just my weight

So next time you look at me and tell me I look healthy
Ask me how I'm doing.
Because my BMI has never been unhealthy, and you're probably thinking I could use those ten pounds that I gained
But never have I felt so close to death.

-Niqi
xoxo

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