Friday, July 31, 2015

Chocolate almond espresso popsicle

I made the best breakfast last night. I'm in heaven.

Here's the recipe:
1 cup dark chocolate almond milk (or other milk of choice)
4 shots espresso
Stevia (optional)

In a Popsicle maker, put 1/4 cup milk in four holders, and a drop of Stevia (adjust depending on the sweetness of the milk). Add one shot of espresso to each Popsicle. Freeze over night.

With dark chocolate almond milk, they come to 25cals each, with just over 0.5grams of fat each.

-Niqi
xoxo

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Going too far

It's easy to push yourself
Past your limit
To extremes
You won't remember

I made this mistake
A few nights ago
I got to my limit
And just kept on going.

I was binging and binging
Then purging and purging
Until everything was out
And then fell to the floor

I've never collapsed
After purging before
So I got very scared
And binge/purged some more

I fell once again
So I called all my friends
And my boyfriend came by
And called me a cab

I went to the hospital
To get checked out
Turns out I'm okay
But it was quite a fright

I'm balancing on
Quite a narrow beam
And I'm absolutely terrified
Of falling again.

-Niqi
xoxo

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

My boyfriend

I found the perfect boy.

Now I realize that I'm only 19. 
Yes I still have a lot ahead of me. 
Yes I know the chances of us getting married is quite low. 

That's not the point. 

The point is he's perfect. 
For me. 
Right now. 

And that's what matters right? 
The present moment. 
I want to make this year the best it can be. 
And part of that is working on relationships.

I'm not going to lie, 
I'm scared. 
Relationships are scary.
Opening up to people is scary. 
But a step at a time. 

-Niqi
xoxo

Monday, July 27, 2015

I am not my BPD

It's easy to let
Your mental illness define you
It's with you for so long
And disguises as a friend

People like to throw it around
Saying "you're depressed,
Anxious or bulimic"
As if it defines you

But you are so much more
Than the label you got
Sitting in a brown leather chair
In your doctor's office

I have let myself
Be defined as borderline,
Bulimic, anxious and depressed
For over a year

But I'm tired of those labels
I want to be more than that
I want to be known for something
Other than being sick

I'm a student
And a gymnast
A dancer and
A writer

I'm a nerd and a geek
Persistent and funny
And yes okay,
I'm a little bit crazy

It's okay to be sick
And yes it's a part of me
But I just can't
Let it be all of me.

So yes I am
Bulimic and borderline
But don't forget that
I'm a student and a fighter.

-Niqi
xoxo

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Being honest

I got a text today
From my wonderful boyfriend.
He asked if I wanted
To get dinner with
His mother and step dad.
Now we've only been dating
For a couple of weeks
But we've known each other
For quite some time.
I really do want to meet
His parents
But my anxiety and bulimia
Were screaming so loudly.
I told him that maybe
I could go
If I knew where
We would be eating.
But the more I thought
Of it, the more I thought
I would lose control
And binge until then
I was shaking in Starbucks
And on the verge of tears
But I was scared of seeming
Really pathetic.
I finally took a deep breath,
And took my phone
And told him that I would
Be happy to meet his parents
But I just couldn't do dinner.
Luckily for me
I found a hell of a guy
And he completely
Understood
He reassured me
That I wasn't of a burden
And we was really enjoying
Being with me
I guess the moral
Of this story is
Be honest with those
Who care about you
Because if they truly do care,
They will be willing
To do what you need.

-Niqi
xoxo


Budgeting

Budgeting is tough when you suffer from bulimia. Honestly, binge food is expensive. And even though I shoplift a fair amount (something I would like to cease doing though), I still have quite a large grocery bill when you add in all the money I spend on food that goes right down the toilet.

I tried to make a budget today. Now, although a budget is very tough for me to stick to, because of my impulsive nature - thanks a lot borderline - I'm really motivated to stick to this one. Why? Because this budget means independence. This budget means that at the end of the summer I'll have enough saved up to pay for my next three months of living. My parents are helping me with tuition, so I won't need to worry too much about that, but I won't be dependent on a monthly allowance like I was last year. Nothing would make me prouder than to be able to say that I covered all my living expensive for the year.

I want to take this next step. I want to be able to be successful in this way. Not only would I feel more accomplished, it will give me the motivation I think I need to reduce, and one day completely stop, my binging and purging.

Have a wonderful Sunday everyone,

-Niqi
xoxo

Up an at em

I've been in a bit
Of a slump lately
Not one of those slumps
Where you're slightly less
Productive
But one of those
Slumps where
You stay in bed for
Several days
And binge on thousands
And thousands of
Calories.

I've had enough.

I'm going to turn
Things around
I got up early this
Morning and drank a
Latte and colored.
Now I'm cleaning my room
And doing my laundry.
Off to the gym in a bit
For a good long swim
And then time to study
At Starbucks.

I'm so bloated
It's ridiculous
I'm liquid fasting
For the next little bit
Because solid food
Just doesn't feel safe.
I still will be drinking
Lots of smoothies
To make sure I have
Enough energy to get
Through the day.
I know now that
Starving myself will make
My slump last longer
Then it otherwise would.

Time to get up and at em.

-Niqi
xoxo

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Depression

It's caught me
I'm sinking
Deeper and deeper
Into this black hole
It's so easy to hide
Away from my life
Into this never world
Filled with madness
The longer I wait
To fight my way out
The deeper the hole
And the harder the climb

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

The crash

You can't understand,
Unless you've been there yourself
If you've taken the journey
From heaven to hell

It's not just a mood swing
It's a mood roller coaster
The ones that lift you up
And drop you right back down.

All of a sudden doubt creeps into your mind
And within a few seconds you're back in your bed
Feeling vulnerable and shattered
And stripped of all energy

The transition is the worst
For a while you had hope
But now fallen down
Into a dark pit of despair.

It takes a bit of time
Maybe a couple of hours
Maybe a couple of minutes
But you can see the hope disappear

Imagine falling down
But looking up as you fall
Trying so desperately to grab
The ledge you fell off

You see it disappear
Get farther and farther away
But there's nothing you can do
To retrieve it again

While you're busy staring at the ledge
The ground is quick approaching
And hits you oh so hard
Because you didn't see it coming

That's what the crash is like
Only a hundred times worse
Because you don't just break a bone or two
You break your entire life

-Niqi
xoxo

Untitled

I can be flying high
On motivation and adrenaline
Looking to the sky
To push beyond it's limits

But the very next moment
I find myself crying
Hugging my pillows
Ignoring my calls

Because when all is said and done
It doesn't matter how much I tried
Or what I accomplished
My mind is still against me

My mind wants me to be sad
And mad, and hateful
My mind doesn't seem to like me
And I don't know what to do.

-Niqi
xoxo

Counting down

I've spent my days counting down
How many hours left until the end of the day
How many minutes left until the end of class
How many seconds left until the microwave pings

I never considered what happens
To the time flying by
While I sit praying
It can go by faster

I never thought to count up
And enjoy the hours of my day
Or the minutes I spend learning
Or the seconds of anticipation

There is always something better
Lurking in the future
But when the future becomes the present
I'm still looking for something better.

-Niqi
xoxo

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Birthday

Birthdays have always been quite anticlimactic in my life. I haven't had any bad birthdays by any means, but I was always choosing between my mom and dad's, or between my school friends and gymnastics friends.
I feel strange today. I'm nineteen. Part of me thinks I've made it. I didn't know if I was going to make it to my eighteenth birthday.. And I was just looking forward to leaving pediatric ED treatment.
It's been over a year since I last tried to kill myself. It's been a solid couple months since my last overdose as well if I'm remembering correctly. I've made it. I still have some scars, I still skip some meals, and I still spend time with my head in the toilet. But I'm better. And I'm ready to keep on getting better.
I'd like to think this will be the year I recover from my eating disorder. The idea of that scares me a lot though. Picturing myself going through my forth year of university without this crutch is too much. If like to get better though, skip less meals, enjoy unplanned trips, and binge and purge once a week, not twice a day. For now I'll keep on working towards that.

I'm on the train home now, I was just at a baseball game with my dad's side of the family. I'm going to go to the liquor store and pick up some booze, and have a good night. I'll go easy on the alcohol, don't worry. I'm not a huge drinker and I fall asleep pretty quickly anyways.

Love you all 💖

-Niqi
xoxo

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Happy tenth anniversary

Yesterday was my late stepmom's tenth anniversary. I miss her so much. Here is an excerpt of the letter I wrote to her.


Dear Cindy,

Happy tenth anniversary. I hope heaven is throwing you a nice party. You deserve it. I hope you have found your dad, he's been up with you for almost two years now. I hope he's with you today.

I hope you know how much we miss you. We loved you so much, and don't ever want you to forget that. Daddy and I talked about you today. That doesn't happen very often, it's nice when it does though. He actually used you as an example regarding how to be a good girlfriend.

I guess that is new news. I have a boyfriend. It hasn't been very long (it's actually only been about a week), but he treats me very well and takes care of me.

I'm doing alright. At the very least I'm doing much better than I was last year. I know I was very close to joining you last summer. I've been fighting really hard. I have some scary things I need to face this year, and I'm hoping that I can face it with half the strength, grace and dignity you faced everything with. I've definitely picked up some of my sense of humor from you - and it really does help me get through my darkest times. I've been on Prozac for just over a year now, and it has been helping. I know you were on it as well for a while.

Daddy has been telling me that I was a very positive influence. It was ten years ago, and I was only nine, so it's hard to remember. He said he would use me to get you to eat. Honestly, if I had half the effect that my siblings have had on me, I would be astonished. I'm happy I could help, even if it was just with the innocent smile of a nine year. old. I'm very sorry you never got an opportunity to meet Tanya, Amelia and Elina. I hope you know Daddy still loves you although he remarried. You would have gotten along well with his new wife, and their two kids. Amelia and Elina are helping me a lot, reminding me to keep on fighting.

I miss you lots and my thoughts are with you.
Love always,



It's always hard to cope with the lost of a loved one. I find that writing to her really helps me cope with my feelings.

I hope you are all doing well today!

-Niqi
xoxo

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Midterm..

So I wrote a midterm this morning.

I didn't do very well. In fact, I'm extremely disappointed in myself.

So obviously I don't deserve food. I convinced myself to have a protein bar before my doctors appointment, and then went swimming. I only did 750m, not a km. Clearly I don't deserve lunch.

Because, clearly starving myself is the solution to not doing well on a test.

Eating disorders are awful.

-Niqi
xoxo

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Life expectancy

I'm one of those people that tends to just laugh at all my problems. Laughing and making jokes is much easier than having uncomfortable emotions.
When I make plans and think about my future, I figure I'll either be successful or dead. And if I'm dead, it doesnt really matter because I won't feel anymore.

The problem is, I never think about dying. I don't think about how painful burning a hole through my esophagus would be. I don't think about what it would be like for my stomach to rupture. I don't think about how awful chemo treatments would be if I developed esophageal cancer.

I also don't think about my family. I've resigned to the idea that I might not outlive my parents. But I don't think my parents have. I know I won't outlive my friends.
But what about my 80-something year old grandmother? I want to spend the summer with her next year, if she's still alive. What if I'm not?

That's the thing about eating disorders. You're okay until you aren't. And I've been okay for quite some time. And now I'm less okay. I'm on stomach medications and orthovitals aren't great. But I'm okay-ish.

And I don't know when I won't be.

And I'm scared.

-Niqi
xoxo

Monday, July 13, 2015

The right side of the bed

Sometimes, I wake up and things are okay. I don't mind that I've gained a pound - I know logically that it is food and water weight. I don't mind that I'm behind on work - I'm going to catch up today. 

I'm motivated today. Something I've been lacking this past week. I love this feeling. I feel like myself again, I feel alive and high on life. I feel like I can do this. I can cope with my mental illnesses and strive. 

The problem is, the feeling passes. The same way my depressive mood swings eventually pass, my happy mood swings pass as well - and often pretty quickly. I feel like it's a race against time, to be as productive, and do as much as I can in the few hours I have of hope and happiness. 

Breathe. This is part of recovery. Taking time to breath and just enjoying how I feel is going to help me feel this way more often in the future. I have to take time to breathe. It's not a race. 

Breathe. 


I'm off to work, bring gravol to a sick friend, workout and go to therapy today. I have lot's of veggies in my fridge, I think I'm going to steam some broccoli, and have that with rice and beans today. I hope you all have a good start to your week. 

-Niqi
xoxo

Sunday, July 12, 2015

My date

I went on the most AMAZING date last night. It was nothing fancy, we just went for a nice long walk and chatted about math, school, family and life. We then headed back to my place, chatted some more, and, well, kissed... :P We've known each other for quite some time now, and have been recently growing closer.

I'm a little bit scared as to what we are going to be.. I would like this to become a relationship but I tend to be bad at those. I did tell him that I wanted to go slowly though, because this isn't someone I want to hook up with and then never see again.

Feelings are confusing. I did a pretty good job at pretending I didn't have any for a year and a half. I guess they're back. I feel like I'm in middle school again with a crush.

My friend's keep on telling me to wait and see where this goes, but I'm not good at that. I like having a plan. I like knowing exactly where I'm going in life and have concrete steps laid out for me. But unfortunately life doesn't always work that way. So I'm trying very hard to not be ridiculously clingy and just take things a step at a time.

-Niqi
xoxo

Friday, July 10, 2015

I got asked out on a date

I got asked out on a date
And to be honest when it happened,
The first thought that flew into my mind,
Was: "But you know how crazy I am".

Because I'd been taught ,
By both society and experience,
That I'm way too fucked up,
To go on a date.

I have been told time after time,
That I have to love myself,
Before anyone could ever,
Love me.

Being buried alive,
Under tonnes of self hatred,
Made me think,
That no one could care.

But maybe someone can,
Or maybe they can't and they'll
Realize that when we do go out.
But I can try.

Because, at least for today,
I'm not the borderline bitch
That puts up a wall
As so never to be hurt.

As Peter McWilliams once said
"It is a risk to love.
What if it doesn't work out?
Ah, but what if it does."

-Niqi
xoxo

Monday, July 6, 2015

Can you hear me now

Just a little piece I wrote yesterday. Have a great start to the week lovelies!


Special shout out to the Food is Fuel picture to the right of my head. It was made by one of pen pals lettinggoana (check out her blog here, or find her on instagram, etsy and twitter). I just ordered a wired leaf from her I'm super excited to receive it!
I'm taking some time to self soothe today; I'm trying really hard to not binge and purge, I was successful yesterday, but not so much today.

-Niqi
xoxo

Sunday, July 5, 2015

Blood work

It's scary how easy it is to convince myself that I'm not sick. That I'm normal.
I live in a student house and spend my life in my room or on campus. Everyone is stressed, figuring out how to live on their own and worried about there weight. How am I any different.
I went to get blood work on Friday. Tracey, the nurse, asked me how I was doing. Not in a 'polite how are you I'm just trying to distract you because I'm going to poke your arm' kind of way. She was genuinely curious because she got to know me over the past year in half as I go in for my monthly blood work.
My roommate asked where I was and I said getting blood work done. He called me right away and asked if everything was okay. I said yes its just my monthly blood work. Apparently getting blood work done every month isn't normal.
I told my supervisor I had a drs appointment and that's why I was a few minutes late to our meeting. She asked if everything was okay. I said yes it was just my biweekly check in. Most people see their doctor a couple times a year, not a couple times a month.
My friend threw up at practice and I gave her a breath mint, antacid, a couple sprays of perfume and some foundation. Why do you have this on you she asked? Normal people don't have an "in case I purge" bag on them at all times.
I created a world where all these behaviours are normal. I guess it's good in the way that I can juggle my disease and my life. But how do I get better if Ive convinced myself that my life is normal?

-Niqi
xoxo

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Giveaway Winner

Congrats to the twitter account @foreverbrokn for winning my giveaway! I loved having this giveaway, I had an overwhelmingly positive response, so I'm hoping to have more in the future.

Let me know what you guys thought about this giveaway, and what you would like to see in the next one!

-Niqi
xoxo

Grocery shopping

I went grocery shopping yesterday
Which as you all know
Isn't one of my favorite
Activities

I decided to buy skim milk
Instead of coconut milk
Because I need more protein'
In my diet

Never having bought dairy milk
I looked around the store
And saw a big sign
That said milk.

I walked over
Ready to pick up
A few bags of milk
Before going to pay

But under the sign
That said milk
Were many bottles
Of orange juice

I started to cry
Convinced the world
Was playing a cruel, cruel
Trick on me.

I finally found the milk
And with tears still
In my eyes
I went to go pay.

-Niqi
xoxo