Sunday, June 14, 2015

Death

I'm sad and the scary thoughts are back.
This gloomy weather and exam coming up don't help.

I feel like I'm stuck in a catch 22. If I don't get help for my eating disorder soon, it will kill me. I need to stop purging. At least reduce it. But I can't go back to binging and purging 3-5 times a day, do gymnastics and spend my life dehydrated. I can't survive like that. I need to get to a point where I can eat and keep food in, and eat more if I'm working out. But outpatient treatment won't take me.
I could do day hospital. But my hobbies are math and gymnastics. I'm not allowed to be in school or do any exercise while in day hospital. Yes, tell a full time student athlete that they can no longer to school or gymnastics. I can just see my depression escalating. I'm already hanging on by a thread. Reminding myself that suicide is not an option. Will I be able to convince myself of that if my life is consumed by eating and busing back and forth to the hospital?

I'm sorry for all the negative posts lately, I guess it's just a rough time of year for me.

-Niqi
xoxo

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