Sunday, June 28, 2015

Coming out

So I came out
As bisexual
On Facebook
Yesterday.
I'm lucky,
My Aunt is gay
And my family
Doesn't bat an eye.
I was raised
In a very accepting
Family,
And my friends
Are all accepting
As well.

But I guess
It had never come up,
Because my 'real'
Relationships were all
With boys.

So I guess I came out,
If that changes your
Opinion of me
I don't want you in
My life.
I expect to be treated
With the same respect
I treat others no matter
My sexuality.


#LoveWins
#Pride2015

-Niqi
xoxo

Saturday, June 27, 2015

Bananas

Bananas have been one of my fear foods for the past 8 months. This has been really frustrating as I used to have a banana with a tablespoon of peanut butter every single morning for breakfast, throughout all of high school. Five years of this breakfast, and one day I woke up and was terrified of bananas.
The good news though is I recently conquered this fear food of mine. I still struggle a bit to eat them, but here I am with a banana smile right before I ate this lovely banana for breakfast <3 (with excessive amounts of coffee of course!)

You guys can conquer anything, I believe in you!

Have a great weekend,

-Niqi
xoxo

Friday, June 26, 2015

Depression

You know all those Tumblr posts with girls who are tragically sad, and beautiful people walking around in psych wards with their sleeves pulled down? Depression isn't like that.
Don't get me wrong, I am one who doesn't mind romanticizing mental illness - I do think that it is necessary in some situations. (I've talked about this in the past, I'll link the video I made about this issue at the bottom of this post).

The truth is though, depression sucks. And it's ugly. For instance, take me today.
I woke up this morning and went to an appointment with the same makeup I was wearing yesterday. I haven't showered in three days. I went to the grocery store - I bought and stole some binge food. After a quite unsatisfying binge/purge session, I watched netflix and fell asleep. I then ate the remainder of my binge food, didn't purge, and fell asleep. My sheets are stained with blood, and gross because my nightmares make me sweat so much when I sleep. I'm just so tired. It's now 10pm, and although I slept about 6 hours today, all I want to do is sleep again.

If you were interested, here is my video on the difference between romanticizing and glorifying mental illness, and why I think romanticizing it is okay (in certain situations).


-Niqi
xoxo

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Smoothies

One of my favorite foods, especially through the summer, are smoothies! I'm very particular about them, but once I figure out smoothies recipes I like, I can't stop drinking them! Here are my top three recipes; I often add 1tbsp of protein powder to these ingredients. Mine has 58kcal/tbsp and lots of protein, and I'm obsessed with adding protein powder to all my food.

Strawberry (or raspberry) lemonade smoothie:
- 2/3 cup source 0% fat lemon meringue deserts yogurt (70)
- 1 cup frozen strawberries or raspberries (70)
- protein powder if you'd like
- add a bit of water, shake and blend!


Pina Colada smoothie
- 1 cup coconut milk (50)
- 1 cup frozen pineapple (80)
- protein powder if you'd like
- add a bit of water, shake and blend!








Monkey energy smoothie:
- 1 banana (105)
- 1tbsp peanut butter (90)
- half a tray of coffee ice cubes (0)
- either chocolate flavored stevia (0) or 1/4 package fat free chocolate pudding (25)
- protein powder if you'd like
- add a bit of water, shake and blend!






-Niqi
xoxo

Saturday, June 20, 2015

LIVE

Hello lovelies,

One of the most therapeutic things I ever did was this little craft. It's on the little shelf in my bathroom, the room in which I am the most self destructive. This helps me remind myself to take care of myself.

It was quite simple and easy to do, and only took me a couple hours. I bought these four wooden letters at the dollar store - if your dollar store doesn't carry them, your craft store should. I then thought of my four biggest reasons to live. For me, my reasons are my four siblings. They mean everything to me. I then printed a bunch of pictures of them in black and white, they each got a letter, and I glued images to the letters, and covered it in mod podge. 

This is by far the favorite piece of positive decoration I have in my room (you can find the rest here), and I would encourage you all to do something similar. It's always good to have a constant reminder regarding why you are fighting. 

I hope you are all doing well! Just a little reminder that you have ten more days to enter my giveaway, and you can enter as many times as you'd like (link is here)!

-Niqi
xoxo

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Treatment plan

Hello darlings :)
My therapist is back from vacation and I had a very good much needed session.
I think I can make a lot of progress this week keeping in mind what she said, but I need to remember that getting better does not mean being perfect.

I finally have a treatment plan in place. I will be going for a DBT intake soon, and hopefully starting that in July. If not July, then I'll start in August. I'm also going to be getting another therapist, purely to talk about my eating disorder and for nutritional counselling. The best part about all of this is that I can stay in school, keep my job and all my treatment will take place within a commutable distance.

I'm really hoping that the DBT and the nutritional counselling together will help with my binging and purging. It's a lot more controllable now then it has been in the past, but still destructive, expensive, and ruins my body image. I need to take things a step at a time, but remembering to keep the long term goal in sight.

-Niqi
xoxo

Eat, Sleep and be Merry

Sounds simple right?
Wrong.

When you don't see your body but a blubbery whale
Thighs expanding by the minute, suffocating your mind
Seeing your grandma's arms jiggle as she grabs another cookie
Eating is too difficult.

When you're dreams are twisted and dark, with fathers who lie and mothers who cheat
Siblings that die and friends that are sick
The true monsters in my brain only reveal themselves at night.
Sleeping is too difficult.

When your mind is consumed by a very dark demon
Thoughts of pain, hate and death overtake your brain
Who could be happy in such a cruel ruel world
Being merry is too difficult


-Niqi
xoxo

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Death

I'm sad and the scary thoughts are back.
This gloomy weather and exam coming up don't help.

I feel like I'm stuck in a catch 22. If I don't get help for my eating disorder soon, it will kill me. I need to stop purging. At least reduce it. But I can't go back to binging and purging 3-5 times a day, do gymnastics and spend my life dehydrated. I can't survive like that. I need to get to a point where I can eat and keep food in, and eat more if I'm working out. But outpatient treatment won't take me.
I could do day hospital. But my hobbies are math and gymnastics. I'm not allowed to be in school or do any exercise while in day hospital. Yes, tell a full time student athlete that they can no longer to school or gymnastics. I can just see my depression escalating. I'm already hanging on by a thread. Reminding myself that suicide is not an option. Will I be able to convince myself of that if my life is consumed by eating and busing back and forth to the hospital?

I'm sorry for all the negative posts lately, I guess it's just a rough time of year for me.

-Niqi
xoxo

Saturday, June 13, 2015

June 12

June 12th 2014
I don't remember much of this day.
I remember my parents leaving for work.
I remember having had terrible nightmares and feeling quite low and impulsive.
I remember going out on my ebike to buy razors and a big bottle of pills.
I remember worrying about how much money I was spending even though I was planning on being dead.
I remember going back home and cutting.
I remember taking every last pill in that bottle.
I remember lying on my bed hoping to fall asleep forever.
I remember my therapist calling for our phone session.
I remember my step dad calling as my therapist was concerned that I didn't pick up.
I remember ignoring the phone ten or twenty times.
I remember finally picking up and saying what happened.
I remember my step dad rushing home crying and screaming.
I remember an ambulance being called.
I remember being in the ER hallway so I could be watched.
I remember being brought over to the psych ER.
I remember little bits and pieces of my evaluation.
But I don't remember most if that afternoon.
I remember waking up and being told my new diagnosis.
I remember laughing because turns out I had the same illness as my ex's mom.
I remember apologizing over and over to my parents who were trying to understand, and my siblings who didn't even know what was going on.

June 12th 2015
I didn't wake up in the best mood.
I had actually just slept for 32 hours straight.
Depression and malnutrition can do that to you.
I got on the scale and was actually semi okay with what I saw, I guess my bloat had reduced in my sleep.
I had a damn paper to write so I opened my laptop.
And procrastinated a little by watching Gilmore girls.
I then went to celebrate.
My past year.
With a waffle brunch with one of my best friends.
My plan was to purge.
But I decided I deserved it.
Even though that one meal was more than I like to eat in a day.
I went and wrote my paper.
And colored some sea turtles.
Then went out for my friend's birthday.
I had a really cute dress I had recently bought.
And it made my diminishing boobs look great.
My fake ID worked, but I new better than to drink.
I was feeling quite melancholy.
And didn't need the depressant of alcohol.
I came home and binged and purged.
Almost as a reward.
For getting through this year.
It's been hell, but I'm doing better.
I still think of ending it all.
But at least I have good days to look forward to now.
-Niqi
xoxo

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Positivity


After yesterday's very negative post, I decided to make a much more positive post today. In fact, I decided to give you a little tour of all the positive stuff I have in my room and bathroom. Putting up affirmations and pictures in my room was a therapy assignment at first, but I found it really helped. When I moved out of my parent's house into my student house, I decided to do the same thing with my room.


This is my full body mirror right by my scale. The quote on it says "A mirror is just a piece of glass and you are worth so much more than that". I personally find a lot of the eating disorder related affirmations don't help me that much. But this one does. It is so completely true, and reminds me that there is more to me than my weight. I'm off to go learn things every day, that's why I'm at school. I can't let my weight determine what I'm going to do in a day.
Underneath is a smiley face and a 10/10 my friends stuck on my mirror. They surprised me one night when I was out, and bedazzled my room. I don't know what I'd do without these wonderful friends.
I have four siblings. They are the reason I decided I would live last year. The reason I would stay alive. Each letter has pictures of one of my four siblings. (Here is a post regarding how I made them)
 As you all know, I have a coffee and tea obsession. I love my hot beverages. I also love my mugs. So why keep them in a kitchen cupboard if I can have them on display? From left to right I have my monkey mug, my jelly bean mug, a mug I sponge painted when I was about 10, my keep calm and carry on mug, my snoopy cookie break mug, and my math and stats society mug. Right under I have all my sweaters. Which I also have an obsession with.
 My friend wrote this quote on the Facebook support page for people who were in the inpatient ward I was in. I really like this quote. Not only is it cute, but I love lipstick. Playing around with makeup is one of my distraction methods, so it seemed perfect.

 I love these quotes. I know they aren't completely legible in the picture, so here they are. The one on the left: "There is still some time. If you feel too much, there is still a place for you here. If you feel too much, don't go. If this world is too painful, stop and rest. If you need a break, it's okay to say you need a break. It's okay to stop and rest. This life - it's not a contest, not a race, not a performance, not a thing that you win. It's okay to slow down. You are here for more than grades, more than a job, more than a promotion, more than keeping up, more than getting by. This life is not about status or opinion or appearance. You don't have to fake it. You do not have to fake it. Other people feel how you feel. You are more than just your pain. You are more than wounds, more than drugs, more than death and silence. There is still some time to be surprised. There is still some time to ask for hep. There is still some time to start again. There is still some time for love to find you. It's not too late. You're not alone. It's okay - whatever you need and however long it takes - it's okay. It's okay, If you feel too much, there's still a place for you. If you feel too much, don't go. There is still some time." -Jamie Tworkowski The one on the right: "You'll need coffee shops and sunsets and roadtrips. Airplanes and passports and new songs and old songs, but more than anything else. You will need other people and you will need to be that other person to someone else, a living, breathing, screaming invitation to believe better things." -Jamie Tworkowski I got these posters from the To Write Love On Her Arms website. If you haven't heard of this organization I highly encourage you to go look them up, they are quite fantastic.


 These are some of my little accomplishments, so I put them in stars on my white board. It is important to never forget the little things you accomplish. The two in these stars have been on my white board for a while. I didn't binge/purge or self harm after two of my exams. I deserve to remind myself of how much of an accomplishment this is, so I put it on my wall.
 This is the top of my white board. On the top left I have my reminders - take your meds, take your vitamins, drink more water, endorphins make you happy and CBT. I have some of my favorite quotes: "Aim for perfection. Though in most things it is unattainable. However they who aim for it, and persevere will come much closer than those whose laziness make them give it up", "Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee", "Starving yourself doesn't take motivation, it takes self hatred", "Hard work given time beats talent", and "Everything happens for a reason, and that reason is usually physics". I also have my color coding scheme for my school work, and the HALT acronym. (I'll make a post about this acronym in a bit)


This is my magnetic board behind my desk. I have one of my favorite quote and pictures - the girl made of stars and planets that says "You're body is the piece of the universe you've been given." - Geneen Roth. I have the letter that says I received a summer grant to do research. My counselors card, some Ed Sheeran lyrics, and my note pad. I also have my sun light here, which I have found helped quite a bit with my seasonal depression.



I love to dance. And I love this quote. Who cares what others think, or if others are watching. Just dance.


These are a few of the ways I've made my room and bathroom more positive. I have to live in it, no use in having it bring me down every day. Sometimes these positive quotes and affirmations do nothing. Sometimes they help me get out of bed. Sometimes they help me get my homework done. And again, sometimes they don't help at all. But I'd rather have my room help me sometimes, rather than never.

Have a great day darlings,

-Niqi
xoxo

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

At my worst..

Depression is a funny thing. There are so many different ways someone can be depressed.
For instance, I am definitely still depressed. But compared to how I was at this time last year, a bubbling ray of sunshine. I've been thinking about how far I've come over the past year lately. I'm embarrassed to tell people how bad I was. I hate admitting it to myself.

Last year was tough. I remember the different cocktails of meds I was put on in order to find something that would make me mood high enough to function. I remember wanting to give up. I remember giving up. I remember mentally completely giving up. For some reason, my body didn't so I made it through those days.

I remember being put on seroquel. Now, many people have wonderful experiences with this medication so I am no way saying it is a bad medication. Honestly, it probably saved my life. I was only on it for about a month. And quite honestly, it turned me into a zombie. I took it every morning and night in order to try and stabilize my mood and impulse. Which was 100% necessary at the time. I was trying to break my bones, self harming, binging and purging and coming up with elaborate suicide plans every day. However, the seroquel turned me into a zombie. Which was good, as it took away the little energy I had, so I didn't have any energy to self destruct. I was sleeping 18 hours a day if I wasn't working, 14 hours if I was.

I remember my work days that month. If I didn't call in sick I would wake up at 1:30 for my 2 o'clock shift. I would then roll around in bed for 15 minutes, through my uniform on, grab food and walk to work. I would drink a pot worth of coffee (which I got for free). I would binge and purge on my break, on my way home, and once at home. Then head back to sleep.

It was hell. I wasn't myself. But myself at the time was extremely dangerous. I would fall asleep thinking of all the ways I could kill myself, and had I had the energy, I might have done it. That seroquel helped. It kept me alive.

Then the Prozac started kicking in. My baseline increased. I was able to come off my seroquel and deal with my impulse. I still deal with the thoughts and impulse every day, but at least my baseline is high enough that I can trust myself not to stay alive. And last year, there's no way I could have said that about myself.

So I guess I have been getting better. It's been hard to see that as I've been rejected from treatment, feeling fat, spending some days in bed or self harming. But it has gone down so much since last year. So I am getting somewhere.

Slowly but surely.

-Niqi
xoxo

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Greek chickpea salad bowl

Hello beauties,

I just had the best dinner after a wonderful day at a fitness expo. Seeing all the body builders and chatting with the vendors, really motivated me to start living a healthier life.

My dinner tonight was a Greek chickpea salad bowl. Everything just had to be mixed together so it was super quick and easy to make!
I used:
1c romaine lettuce
1/4 cucumber, chopped into little pieces
1 tbsp crumbled feta
1 tbsp salsa
1/4c chick peas
salt pepper and basil to taste!

It turned out to be 124 calories, with 3.5g fat and 6.5g of protein.

I'm going to make myself a lovely protein smoothie as a night time snack. I hope you're all having a lovely day.

-Niqi
xoxo

Friday, June 5, 2015

Treatment

I've been struggling a lot lately to find a treatment program that would take me. All the programs that are set up for the level of care I need are too intensive to allow me to continue my job - which is my biggest priority at the moment.

I'm being referred to an experimental DBT group. It would be absolutely fantastic if I could get in. However, my psychiatrist told me if I score too high on an intake form, I won't get in. So far, I've been scoring quite high on the depression and anxiety surveys. I'm worried that I'll be considered too sick for this group.

So, I'm thinking of lying. I don't want to. Especially since this is a study, I don't want to ruin the data. But what am I supposed to do? The mental health system isn't good enough to provide me with treatment. I need this treatment. I need DBT in order to reduce my self harm, in order to get eating disorder treatment in order to stop binging and purging. What other choice do I have?

-Niqi
xoxo

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

I try

I try to eat, and fail. The few times I do succeed, I end up puking everything out.
I try to sleep, and fail. The few times I do succeed, I end up having nightmares that makes it impossible to be awake the next day.
I try to study, and fail. The few times I do succeed, I end up needing to take medication in order to focus and calm down. 
I try to work, and fail. The few times I do succeed, I end up making stuff up so my supervisor doesn't realize how useless I am.
I try to exercise, and fail. The few times I do succeed, I end up unable to stop. 

I try so hard, just to fail.

-Niqi
xoxo

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Starving

It really bothers me when people say they are starving. Some people really are starving. You might be. But the term is so overused that how is one supposed to know if someone actually means it?
Sometimes I actually am starving. Depending on your eating disorder, sometimes you are literally starving yourself. And it sucks. The side effects that come with starving yourself suck. There is no nicer way of saying it.
However, if you don’t struggle with food, and you had 2 slices of toast instead of your usual 3 with a large glass of orange juice for breakfast, and you find yourself hungrier than usual around lunch time, you aren’t starving. You’re not. You can say you’re hungry. You can say you’re very hungry. You can even say you feel like you’re about to pass out, as you may very well feel that way depending on your body. But is your body eating itself? Is your hair falling out every night, and your muscle mass shrinking? Is your pulse down to a very low level in order to lower your metabolism? You aren’t starving.
Maybe it just bothers me because I know what it’s like to be starving. I know what it’s like to be starving, and tell someone I’m starving as a cry for help, because I haven’t been able to keep food down in two days. I know what it’s like to have people reply with “lol me too, I haven’t eaten in 5 hours”. I know what it’s like to have your cry for help disregarded because the phrase is so commonly used.
I know what it’s like.
I also can’t expect people to stop using this phrase. I realize that my rant won’t cause any changes in people’s behaviour. I realize that I can’t expect the world to change their behaviour because I struggle with an eating disorder. That wouldn’t be fair of me. But I did want to get this out.

-Niqi

xoxo

Monday, June 1, 2015

Breaking and Entering

I thought I was okay.

Okay, fine.
I wasn't okay.
But I wasn't not okay either.
I genuinely thought that I would be okay.
Now, I'm not so sure

I didn't think being told that I was sicker,
Than I thought I was,
Or pretend to be,
Would hit me that hard.
But, I guess it did.

I spent my weekend in a haze,
I was out with some friends,
Drinking and talking all night
And sleeping all day.
Anything to dull the pain
Anything to make it go away.

In the midst of this weekend
I made a few more,
Mistakes than I'd like to admit.
It started off innocently,
A few mixed drinks and harmless flirting.

But accelerated quite quickly.
To vodka shots,
And hooking up with basically a stranger
Outside in the park
After being told,
You're friend is into him.

I wish it ended there,
But we had a repeat performance,
The following night,
As my friends were either,
Upset, being bullied or harassed.

I'm always the one to put everything aside
And go for walks with my friends,
Because they mean more to me than
Anything in the world.

But my blood was thick with vodka
And I wasn't aware of half of what
Was going on.

The following day,
We went back but found
That all the doors were locked,
And nobody was home.

Of course we decided the sane
Thing to do was go in through the
Skylight, and start drinking in the day.
Because when all hell breaks lose the
Night before,
Being sober the next day,
Is way too much to handle.

So I broke in,
I broke and entered,
I stole and ate and drank and slept,
And today's headache is making me
Re-think yesterday's mistake.

-Niqi
xoxo