I'm not going to lie, last night has been awful. The past few days have been in fact. It's strange, I got a fabulous job, catching up on school, starting to take financial responsibility for myself, but of course, those things don't cure depression. So I still feel bad. I'm still struggling with binging and purging and self harm and bad thoughts.
It's strange. When you picture your future, being healthy, I forget that I have to get healthy first. I picture my future as me being able to eat out with friends, doing research and living in California. Admittedly I am 20 lbs lighter in these thoughts, but for the most part, I'm no longer suffering from any mental illness.
The problem is, is that I'm starting to get there. I am starting to reach my goals. In two short years, I'll be moving to California, and I'm already doing research for a prof, and thus really the starting point of my career. I'm not any better though. Well, I'm better then I was last summer, but I still struggle to get out of bed, stay safe every night and get through life. Why can't I just be happy?
Last night was especially bad. After binging and purging basically all day yesterday, and then falling asleep before I could order pizza, I woke up around midnight, feeling quite nauseous. I finally pulled myself out of bed and into the bathroom. I'm not sure if I purged hands free for the first time or if I was sick. Honestly, I was half asleep. I didn't necessarily care about getting the food out, I just needed to stop feeling nauseous. I then stumbled back into bed with a burning throat.
I then woke up in the middle of the night from a bad dream. I was having really vivid dreams. Some of the worst ones I've had in a while. One of my biggest struggles is figuring out which side of my brain I want to let win. I was training and competing for provencial championships again, but I had scars, and was so dehydrated from purging and couldn't get through routines. Right before I woke up, my coach had a very real and harsh talk with my about how I can't live on this tightrope. If I want to keep training, I need to commit. And that means getting better.
I'm feeling quite shaky this morning. I'm not in a state to face these tough decisions. I know they need to made, I know that. And I know I need to fight every day to beat these horrible illnesses. But sometimes just fighting to stay alive is enough of a challenge.
I'm doing my best to stay positive today. Even though all I want to do is drink, cut, binge, purge and sleep. Self destruct and give up on life. I spent a good half hour this morning staring at my ceiling thinking how my life would be different if I was rich. I could binge and purge on whatever I wanted, wouldn't need to be able to keep a stable job, I could take as long as I wanted to get through school. But wishful thinking won't get me anywhere, especially when I'm wishing that I had more money so I could be more self destructive. I'm going to journal, write to my penpals, and dig through the craft supplies I brought up from my parents house last time I went to visit. Maybe catch up on some big bang theory as well.
Stay safe darlings.