Tuesday, May 26, 2015

I'm lying to myself

I'm sure we've all heard the phrase "Honesty is the best policy" about a million times. I'm not one that tends to agree with this statement. I'm a firm believer that sometimes the truth hurts, and it's best not to know.

However, there is one exception to this. And that is when you're talking to yourself. Lying to yourself never gets you anywhere. I should know. Yet, we like the lies. The reason we lie to ourselves is because the lies are better than the truth. Whether it's with regard to how much we've eaten in a day, how much we've exercised, how much homework we did, or how much time we spent on the phone with our parents, we tend to like to tell ourselves that what we are doing is ideal, even though it isn't necessary.

These lies can start slowly, more as an excuse for a slip-up then a lie. Missing a workout and telling yourself that you needed a rest day. Or eating an extra cookie and telling yourself you walked a lot. Or skipping a meal and telling yourself it's because you ate a lot the day before. These are all fine. In the short term. We tend not to notice how quickly these lies accumulate, and turn into much bigger monsters.

The hard part, I find, is when you know you're lying to yourself, you know it's bad for you, but you can't seem to stop. When I'm in complete denial, I don't realize what I'm doing, and although terrible, makes me feel better. Ignorance really is bliss. Thankfully, I have a wonderful support system that are pretty good at pulling me out of these states.  These state can become dangerous quite quickly so I'm thankful I've only been caught in that trap a few times.

I'm currently in  an in between state. Hovering somewhere between being honest with myself but still being self-destructive. And telling myself it isn't self destructive, even though, deep down I know it is. For instance, I've been restricting a lot more lately. I know I should eat breakfast every morning. I know that three cups of coffee is not a replacement for one cup of coffee, an apple, and some peanut butter. But here I am, drinking black coffee for breakfast and telling myself it's okay because I ate a lot last night (which.. to be honest.. I didn't). I tell myself I haven't relapsed back into the scary and addicting world of diet pills and laxatives, because, although I bought and have been taking Hydroxycut, I got the beverage mix, not the pills. So I'm not back into pills, and therefore, everything is okay right? Wrong.

I know I'm wrong. But I'm refusing to admit it. If I don't say it aloud it's not true right?

Are you in denial if you know you're in denial?

-Niqi
xoxo

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