Saturday, May 2, 2015

A letter to you two

I'm suffocating. Layers of guilt weaved into the layers of fat surrounding my body. I can't breathe, I miss you two so much. I'm supposed to be visiting you this weekend.
But yet again, my mental illness has come in the way. What a great start to the month of May.
A, I know you're old enough to understand. That I can't handle being at home, it messes with my brain and I starve or stuff myself. You know I still love you and I still want to see you. But you've been fighting against a physical illness for quite some time now and we have the same symptoms. But I caused mine myself. If you're struggling over an ensure, I should be there supporting you, distracting you and making you laugh. Not struggling over one myself, isolated, in my room. I'm sorry.
E, you don't understand, you're simply too young. All you know is that I spend less and less time with you. I hardly ever come to visit anymore and you don't know why. And when I do come up you ask why my dinner is different than yours. I say its because I like different things but then you say you want the same dinner as me and you don't understand why tears roll down my face. I don't want you to mimic my eating habits. I know you look up to me but in some ways I'm an awful role model. I'm sorry I'm not the healthy, happy, helpful role model you need.

-Niqi
xoxo

1 comment:

  1. You're raw, honset, and caring! I see so much of your soul in your writing and this one inparticular, although there are tons more. I really relate to the fear of influcening loved ones, especially the little onesin our lives. I hope that we both can get better and be closer and more comfortable in our family homes my dear! I would love to hear what makes you happy, what motivates you to keep trying, and what memories have shaped you! xoxoxo @samojllo/anonormous

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