Thursday, May 21, 2015

A letter from a recovering borderline

Dear friends and family,

You all know that I am working hard to recover from borderline personality disorder. There are several things you should know. I am writing this to inform you, not offend you. This is purely information. I hope you consider following the advice I give, although it may seem odd.

You may ask how I am doing. In fact, deep down, I do like it when you ask as it shows you care. I will reply. I won't always be honest in my reply. Please don't push. I may say I'm fine as I am sweating in long pants outside on a summer day. Please don't ask why I'm wearing pants - we both know the answer. I may be really honest and give you more information than you need to know. I'm not trying to burden you, I just feel comfortable enough telling you these things. I may tell you strange things I did that I am proud of. Please be happy for me. I know it may be strange to celebrate the fact that I've been social for 3 days in a row, or that I haven't yelled at someone, but for me, these are big accomplishments.

Sometimes I will lie. Sometimes I'll be choking back tears as I speak to you. I've become quite an actress. This is a tough situation. Sometimes I do want you to notice that I'm not okay - but I also don't. If I really wanted you to notice I would tell you. If you know I'm lying the best thing you can do is remind me that you're there for me, and then let me continue pretending I'm okay. I'll be honest when I'm ready.

Sometimes, I will shut people out. I'll decide I hate you and refuse to see you for a while. Or just stop calling. My brain does that sometimes. The good news is, I see my doctor or therapist every week, and talking to them really helps me sort out my personal life and relationships. Often this will happen right after I was very honest about something. I get scared and lock my doors. I will come around, just give me some time, and please don't be offended.

Sometimes, I'll be really impulsive. To be honest, there really isn't much you can do in these situations. If you stop me from doing what I want to do I will be mad at you. If what I was going to do wasn't safe, I understand why you would stop me. But sometimes I'll come into the room with pink hair I impulsively dyed, or a new shirt I impulsively shoplifted. Impulse control is something that is still extremely challenging for me. This is also something I'm ashamed of. I don't tell you about my shoplifting, random drinking or hookups because I'm embarrassed. I'm learning to be okay with it the next day and learn from it but this is very hard for me. I promise I'm working on it.

I hope this helps explain myself a little. Honestly, I won't be offended if you ask me something nicely. I may not be willing to share, but am often willing to inform.

-Niqi
xoxo

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