Friday, May 29, 2015
Part of me wants to keep that up, see how long I can go without. I've been restricting lately (minus Wednesday) and I've been feeling pretty good.
But damn it, I need the release.
My dad is taking me out for coffee this morning, then I'll be busing to the dollar store as soon as he leaves.
Chocolate bars, granola bars, peanut butter, cookies, ramen and a liter of diet pop.
Then to the grocery store for some pizza, bagels, nutella, pie and ice cream.
And then back home as fast as I can.
Down to my bedroom to turn Netflix on and chew and spit and chew and swallow and purge and chew and spit and purge and binge and binge and purge and purge.
I need the release. The high.
Then I'm chugging caffeine, and having a fantastic weekend getting drunk with my favorite girls.
Thursday, May 28, 2015
They turned me down. Again.
Honestly, I was expecting it. I still self harm, and my borderline personality disorder does make it almost impossible for me to recover from my eating disorder.
Either way though, rejection sucks.
Then they called me back, and said they wanted me to do an IOP program for borderline. It's not quite day hospital, but almost.
I haven't been in the ER since February. I go to my appointments. I'm voluntarily in therapy. I've been reducing my self harm. I have two fantastic jobs, summer school, friends and gymnastics. I can live my day to day life just fine.
I'm not that sick.
Stop telling me I am.
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
However, there is one exception to this. And that is when you're talking to yourself. Lying to yourself never gets you anywhere. I should know. Yet, we like the lies. The reason we lie to ourselves is because the lies are better than the truth. Whether it's with regard to how much we've eaten in a day, how much we've exercised, how much homework we did, or how much time we spent on the phone with our parents, we tend to like to tell ourselves that what we are doing is ideal, even though it isn't necessary.
These lies can start slowly, more as an excuse for a slip-up then a lie. Missing a workout and telling yourself that you needed a rest day. Or eating an extra cookie and telling yourself you walked a lot. Or skipping a meal and telling yourself it's because you ate a lot the day before. These are all fine. In the short term. We tend not to notice how quickly these lies accumulate, and turn into much bigger monsters.
The hard part, I find, is when you know you're lying to yourself, you know it's bad for you, but you can't seem to stop. When I'm in complete denial, I don't realize what I'm doing, and although terrible, makes me feel better. Ignorance really is bliss. Thankfully, I have a wonderful support system that are pretty good at pulling me out of these states. These state can become dangerous quite quickly so I'm thankful I've only been caught in that trap a few times.
I'm currently in an in between state. Hovering somewhere between being honest with myself but still being self-destructive. And telling myself it isn't self destructive, even though, deep down I know it is. For instance, I've been restricting a lot more lately. I know I should eat breakfast every morning. I know that three cups of coffee is not a replacement for one cup of coffee, an apple, and some peanut butter. But here I am, drinking black coffee for breakfast and telling myself it's okay because I ate a lot last night (which.. to be honest.. I didn't). I tell myself I haven't relapsed back into the scary and addicting world of diet pills and laxatives, because, although I bought and have been taking Hydroxycut, I got the beverage mix, not the pills. So I'm not back into pills, and therefore, everything is okay right? Wrong.
I know I'm wrong. But I'm refusing to admit it. If I don't say it aloud it's not true right?
Are you in denial if you know you're in denial?
Thursday, May 21, 2015
You all know that I am working hard to recover from borderline personality disorder. There are several things you should know. I am writing this to inform you, not offend you. This is purely information. I hope you consider following the advice I give, although it may seem odd.
You may ask how I am doing. In fact, deep down, I do like it when you ask as it shows you care. I will reply. I won't always be honest in my reply. Please don't push. I may say I'm fine as I am sweating in long pants outside on a summer day. Please don't ask why I'm wearing pants - we both know the answer. I may be really honest and give you more information than you need to know. I'm not trying to burden you, I just feel comfortable enough telling you these things. I may tell you strange things I did that I am proud of. Please be happy for me. I know it may be strange to celebrate the fact that I've been social for 3 days in a row, or that I haven't yelled at someone, but for me, these are big accomplishments.
Sometimes I will lie. Sometimes I'll be choking back tears as I speak to you. I've become quite an actress. This is a tough situation. Sometimes I do want you to notice that I'm not okay - but I also don't. If I really wanted you to notice I would tell you. If you know I'm lying the best thing you can do is remind me that you're there for me, and then let me continue pretending I'm okay. I'll be honest when I'm ready.
Sometimes, I will shut people out. I'll decide I hate you and refuse to see you for a while. Or just stop calling. My brain does that sometimes. The good news is, I see my doctor or therapist every week, and talking to them really helps me sort out my personal life and relationships. Often this will happen right after I was very honest about something. I get scared and lock my doors. I will come around, just give me some time, and please don't be offended.
Sometimes, I'll be really impulsive. To be honest, there really isn't much you can do in these situations. If you stop me from doing what I want to do I will be mad at you. If what I was going to do wasn't safe, I understand why you would stop me. But sometimes I'll come into the room with pink hair I impulsively dyed, or a new shirt I impulsively shoplifted. Impulse control is something that is still extremely challenging for me. This is also something I'm ashamed of. I don't tell you about my shoplifting, random drinking or hookups because I'm embarrassed. I'm learning to be okay with it the next day and learn from it but this is very hard for me. I promise I'm working on it.
I hope this helps explain myself a little. Honestly, I won't be offended if you ask me something nicely. I may not be willing to share, but am often willing to inform.
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
I'm currently extremely upset. Why you may ask? Well, mostly because I am currently going through a major mood swing from feeling great to being super angry. But what I just saw on Facebook made it even worse.
A very good friend of mine posted an article about Meghan Trainor on Facebook with a caption highlighting the issues with stuff she has said. Honestly, I thought this issue blew over. I glanced through the comments expecting to see people agreeing with what my friend had to say.
The comments included things such as:
"I think it's absurd people don't like her, even more absurd that they're offended by her music."
"No different from Jennifer Lawrence" (I'll post soon about the amazingness that is Jennifer Lawrence)
"poor thing is trying to make body image an accepted thing and she just keeps getting tossed into the "making hateful comments" bucket.
WELL... I have a few things to say about this.
Firstly, just because someone else is saying worse or singing worse or doing worse doesn't mean that what she is doing is okay. You're still going to get a ticket if you're 30km over the speed limit. Some people may have been 40km over at one point, but that doesn't mean that what you are doing isn't dangerous.
Secondly, 20% of people with eating disorders die. One out of 5. The sad part is, this statistic only looks at the direct correlation. Many have un-diagnosed eating disorders. And many develop complications that will shorten their life span. So yes, the fact that she is so uneducated about eating disorders, claims she 'tried to go anorexic' and that 'she wasn't strong enough to have an eating disorder' IS a big deal. We live in a society where are girls are being bombarded with messages telling them they need to be skinnier. Let's not trigger more girls into thinking that their disordered eating behaviors are normal and show they are strong. This encourages the part of there brain that is sick. yes SICK, because eating disorders are AN ILLNESS NOT A FUCKING CHOICE.
Thirdly, the skinny bitches thing is annoying. There's absolutely no reason that needs to be in the song.
But you know what, I would get over that. If she was educated. Just owned up, said you know what, these were my intentions, sorry if you were offended. But did she do that? no! She went and told people she wasn't strong enough to be anorexic.
I find it frustrating as well that anorexia/bulimia blogs/instagram accounts/twitter accounts and sites such as My Pro-Ana are given so much hate for encouraging or glamorizing eating disorders. People on these websites and accounts are talking about how they have no control over their bowel movements, are incredibly tired or can't go to social events. How is that glamorizing an eating disorder? However, saying you aren't strong enough to have an eating disorder implies that having an eating disorder is something to strive for, is glamorizing what is a terrible and deadly mental illness.
I would like to give a shout-out to the AMAZING YouTuber Natty Valencia for her cover of Meghan Trainor's all about that base.
Sunday, May 17, 2015
I then dropped by my aunt's and uncle's place on my way home. My aunt made spectacular watermelon mojitos, which I had two large glasses of. I overestimated the calories in my drinks of course but I happily enjoyed them while catching up on family news.
I did have a binging and purging session last night, but it was honestly out of habit. I was having a good night. Cravings kicked in and I had ice cream in the freezer. I then ordered pizza...
I allowed myself to sleep in this morning instead of going to the gym. I went for a long walk to little strip mall, and picked up some jello and coffee at the grocery store, and then some random "necessities" at the dollar store. I'm now off to browse the book store before gymnastics, and then another party! I'm not going to drink tonight, and will probably head home around midnight, but I'll enjoy seeing my friends before getting in another good sleep.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
I just don't know how to get out of this rut...
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Monday, May 11, 2015
Thanks for being there for me. Thanks for not disowning me when I started to struggle. Thanks for not disowning me when I came out. I knew you wouldn't and never had any doubts that you would, but it was nice that I could always be comfortable. Thanks for trying your hardest for understanding when I told you I was suffering from bulimia. Thanks for coming to see me when I overdosed, and stayed in the ER with me. Thanks for staying by my side when I didn't want to live. Thanks for watching me hurt myself day after day after day, and still trying to get me help. I know we don't always see eye to eye, and we fight a lot, but I deep down, I know it's because you want what's best for me, and I don't always want what's best for me. Thank you.
Thanks for being a good step mom. You're an amazing mother to your two biological girls. And you're perfect at being my mom. You care for me like I'm your own, I know you would do anything to protect me. I also know that being a stepmom is hard. You've always done a great job at taking are of me while not replacing my mom. You're wonderful. Thank you.
You never got to have children of your own, as heaven couldn't wait for you. But you were wonderful to me. I could tell you anything and you would smile and pretend you weren't in pain as you lay in a hospital bed dying. You had the capabilities to turn the fact that you and my dad were suffering with cancer from something heartbreaking, to adventures around the hospital. You were such a trouper, making s'mores with me over the fire, putting up with my little 8 year old singing and continuous 'are we there yet's' on long car rides. Thank you.
Sunday, May 10, 2015
I made some protein bars Friday night, and they turned out so well :) I'm super excited. I've been spending quite a lot of money on power bars, luna bars, quest bars, and cliff bars lately, and my bank account is suffering as a response. But a protein bar is a good safe food for me - If I'm struggling to find a meal or want to binge and purge instead of having a snack, a protein bar tends to fill the craving I had for sweet food, and the protein makes me feel satisfied, and I don't feel too guilty as I know I needed the nutrients. I adapted a recipe I found online, so here is what I came up with. I have a few idea for some different flavors in the future, so stay posted!
Chocolate-date-coconut protein bars
- 1c oats blended into a flour
- 1c coconut
- 1c dates, soaked and pitted for 30min, then blended into a paste
- 1/2c protein powder
- 1/4c cocoa powder
- 1/4c chocolate coconut milk
Blend the dried ingredients, mix in the dates and then the oats. Mold into 15 bars. Refrigerate.
Super easy, super fast, super good.
The nutrition info on the right is for the protein powder I used, and using hot chocolate powder instead of cocoa powder as I was out. Enjoy!
Thursday, May 7, 2015
I did make myself a magnificent 0 cal caffeinated beverage this morning. People have been speaking of 'blendicanos', a calorie free alternative to Starbuck's frapps. I made one in my magic bullet this morning and it was fantastic!
Here is the recipe:
Fill you're bullet cup with ice. Pour 4 (or however many you'd like) shots of espresso over the ice. I would recommend making the espresso the night before and leaving it in the fridge. I poured hot espresso over mine and it wasn't as cold as ideal. I then put in 1/2tbs of splenda and 6 drops of dark chocolate stevia. I prefer the flavor of splenda so I always put it in, but only my stevia's have fun flavors. I need to figure out a way to make it not separate though.
I recently got a bottle of hazelnut stevia, and a bottle of dark chocolate stevia. They have been LIFE CHANGERS. It seems as though having artificial sweeteners would make my ED worse, but in fact it has had the opposite effect. I've been drinking 1% and 2% milk lately (something I never would have done last year), as I had some in the house I could make a flavored latte with my sweeteners.
I hope you're all enjoying the nice weather!
Monday, May 4, 2015
Saturday, May 2, 2015
I'm suffocating. Layers of guilt weaved into the layers of fat surrounding my body. I can't breathe, I miss you two so much. I'm supposed to be visiting you this weekend.
But yet again, my mental illness has come in the way. What a great start to the month of May.
A, I know you're old enough to understand. That I can't handle being at home, it messes with my brain and I starve or stuff myself. You know I still love you and I still want to see you. But you've been fighting against a physical illness for quite some time now and we have the same symptoms. But I caused mine myself. If you're struggling over an ensure, I should be there supporting you, distracting you and making you laugh. Not struggling over one myself, isolated, in my room. I'm sorry.
E, you don't understand, you're simply too young. All you know is that I spend less and less time with you. I hardly ever come to visit anymore and you don't know why. And when I do come up you ask why my dinner is different than yours. I say its because I like different things but then you say you want the same dinner as me and you don't understand why tears roll down my face. I don't want you to mimic my eating habits. I know you look up to me but in some ways I'm an awful role model. I'm sorry I'm not the healthy, happy, helpful role model you need.