Friday, May 29, 2015

Planned binging

This week has been hell, and I haven't binged or purged since Monday.

Part of me wants to keep that up, see how long I can go without. I've been restricting lately (minus Wednesday) and I've been feeling pretty good.

 But damn it, I need the release.

My dad is taking me out for coffee this morning, then I'll be busing to the dollar store as soon as he leaves.
Chocolate bars, granola bars, peanut butter, cookies, ramen and a liter of diet pop.
Then to the grocery store for some pizza, bagels, nutella, pie and ice cream.

And then back home as fast as I can.

Down to my bedroom to turn Netflix on and chew and spit and chew and swallow and purge and chew and spit and purge and binge and binge and purge and purge.

I need the release. The high.

Then I'm chugging caffeine, and having a fantastic weekend getting drunk with my favorite girls.

-Niqi
xoxo

Thursday, May 28, 2015

I'm not that sick

I just came back from the eating disorder clinic.
They turned me down. Again.

Honestly, I was expecting it. I still self harm, and my borderline personality disorder does make it almost impossible for me to recover from my eating disorder.

Either way though, rejection sucks.

Then they called me back, and said they wanted me to do an IOP program for borderline. It's not quite day hospital, but almost.
Why?
I haven't been in the ER since February. I go to my appointments. I'm voluntarily in therapy. I've been reducing my self harm. I have two fantastic jobs, summer school, friends and gymnastics. I can live my day to day life just fine.

I'm not that sick.

Stop telling me I am.

-Niqi
xoxo

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

I'm lying to myself

I'm sure we've all heard the phrase "Honesty is the best policy" about a million times. I'm not one that tends to agree with this statement. I'm a firm believer that sometimes the truth hurts, and it's best not to know.

However, there is one exception to this. And that is when you're talking to yourself. Lying to yourself never gets you anywhere. I should know. Yet, we like the lies. The reason we lie to ourselves is because the lies are better than the truth. Whether it's with regard to how much we've eaten in a day, how much we've exercised, how much homework we did, or how much time we spent on the phone with our parents, we tend to like to tell ourselves that what we are doing is ideal, even though it isn't necessary.

These lies can start slowly, more as an excuse for a slip-up then a lie. Missing a workout and telling yourself that you needed a rest day. Or eating an extra cookie and telling yourself you walked a lot. Or skipping a meal and telling yourself it's because you ate a lot the day before. These are all fine. In the short term. We tend not to notice how quickly these lies accumulate, and turn into much bigger monsters.

The hard part, I find, is when you know you're lying to yourself, you know it's bad for you, but you can't seem to stop. When I'm in complete denial, I don't realize what I'm doing, and although terrible, makes me feel better. Ignorance really is bliss. Thankfully, I have a wonderful support system that are pretty good at pulling me out of these states.  These state can become dangerous quite quickly so I'm thankful I've only been caught in that trap a few times.

I'm currently in  an in between state. Hovering somewhere between being honest with myself but still being self-destructive. And telling myself it isn't self destructive, even though, deep down I know it is. For instance, I've been restricting a lot more lately. I know I should eat breakfast every morning. I know that three cups of coffee is not a replacement for one cup of coffee, an apple, and some peanut butter. But here I am, drinking black coffee for breakfast and telling myself it's okay because I ate a lot last night (which.. to be honest.. I didn't). I tell myself I haven't relapsed back into the scary and addicting world of diet pills and laxatives, because, although I bought and have been taking Hydroxycut, I got the beverage mix, not the pills. So I'm not back into pills, and therefore, everything is okay right? Wrong.

I know I'm wrong. But I'm refusing to admit it. If I don't say it aloud it's not true right?

Are you in denial if you know you're in denial?

-Niqi
xoxo

Thursday, May 21, 2015

A letter from a recovering borderline

Dear friends and family,

You all know that I am working hard to recover from borderline personality disorder. There are several things you should know. I am writing this to inform you, not offend you. This is purely information. I hope you consider following the advice I give, although it may seem odd.

You may ask how I am doing. In fact, deep down, I do like it when you ask as it shows you care. I will reply. I won't always be honest in my reply. Please don't push. I may say I'm fine as I am sweating in long pants outside on a summer day. Please don't ask why I'm wearing pants - we both know the answer. I may be really honest and give you more information than you need to know. I'm not trying to burden you, I just feel comfortable enough telling you these things. I may tell you strange things I did that I am proud of. Please be happy for me. I know it may be strange to celebrate the fact that I've been social for 3 days in a row, or that I haven't yelled at someone, but for me, these are big accomplishments.

Sometimes I will lie. Sometimes I'll be choking back tears as I speak to you. I've become quite an actress. This is a tough situation. Sometimes I do want you to notice that I'm not okay - but I also don't. If I really wanted you to notice I would tell you. If you know I'm lying the best thing you can do is remind me that you're there for me, and then let me continue pretending I'm okay. I'll be honest when I'm ready.

Sometimes, I will shut people out. I'll decide I hate you and refuse to see you for a while. Or just stop calling. My brain does that sometimes. The good news is, I see my doctor or therapist every week, and talking to them really helps me sort out my personal life and relationships. Often this will happen right after I was very honest about something. I get scared and lock my doors. I will come around, just give me some time, and please don't be offended.

Sometimes, I'll be really impulsive. To be honest, there really isn't much you can do in these situations. If you stop me from doing what I want to do I will be mad at you. If what I was going to do wasn't safe, I understand why you would stop me. But sometimes I'll come into the room with pink hair I impulsively dyed, or a new shirt I impulsively shoplifted. Impulse control is something that is still extremely challenging for me. This is also something I'm ashamed of. I don't tell you about my shoplifting, random drinking or hookups because I'm embarrassed. I'm learning to be okay with it the next day and learn from it but this is very hard for me. I promise I'm working on it.

I hope this helps explain myself a little. Honestly, I won't be offended if you ask me something nicely. I may not be willing to share, but am often willing to inform.

-Niqi
xoxo

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Meghan Trainor

Alright.

I'm currently extremely upset. Why you may ask? Well, mostly because I am currently going through a major mood swing from feeling great to being super angry. But what I just saw on Facebook made it even worse.

A very good friend of mine posted an article about Meghan Trainor on Facebook with a caption highlighting the issues with stuff she has said. Honestly, I thought this issue blew over. I glanced through the comments expecting to see people agreeing with what my friend had to say.
Apparently not.

The comments included things such as:
"I think it's absurd people don't like her, even more absurd that they're offended by her music."
"No different from Jennifer Lawrence" (I'll post soon about the amazingness that is Jennifer Lawrence)
"poor thing is trying to make body image an accepted thing and she just keeps getting tossed into the "making hateful comments" bucket.

WELL... I have a few things to say about this.

Firstly, just because someone else is saying worse or singing worse or doing worse doesn't mean that what she is doing is okay. You're still going to get a ticket if you're 30km over the speed limit. Some people may have been 40km over at one point, but that doesn't mean that what you are doing isn't dangerous.

Secondly, 20% of people with eating disorders die. One out of 5. The sad part is, this statistic only looks at the direct correlation. Many have un-diagnosed eating disorders. And many develop complications that will shorten their life span. So yes, the fact that she is so uneducated about eating disorders, claims she 'tried to go anorexic' and that 'she wasn't strong enough to have an eating disorder' IS a big deal. We live in a society where are girls are being bombarded with messages telling them they need to be skinnier. Let's not trigger more girls into thinking that their disordered eating behaviors are normal and show they are strong. This encourages the part of there brain that is sick. yes SICK, because eating disorders are AN ILLNESS NOT A FUCKING CHOICE.

Thirdly, the skinny bitches thing is annoying. There's absolutely no reason that needs to be in the song.
But you know what, I would get over that. If she was educated. Just owned up, said you know what, these were my intentions, sorry if you were offended. But did she do that? no! She went and told people she wasn't strong enough to be anorexic.

I find it frustrating as well that anorexia/bulimia blogs/instagram accounts/twitter accounts and sites such as My Pro-Ana are given so much hate for encouraging or glamorizing eating disorders. People on these websites and accounts are talking about how they have no control over their bowel movements, are incredibly tired or can't go to social events. How is that glamorizing an eating disorder? However, saying you aren't strong enough to have an eating disorder implies that having an eating disorder is something to strive for, is glamorizing what is a terrible and deadly mental illness.


I would like to give a shout-out to the AMAZING YouTuber Natty Valencia for her cover of Meghan Trainor's all about that base.

Niqi
-xoxo

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Happy days

Firstly, I'd like to sat that I didn't flow my detox plan. Not even close. I do ideally wish I could do this, but this week out of all weeks was the worst, and its not necessarily something I would be able to stick to during a good week when considering my binging and purging tendencies.

That being said, I have had a couple if very good days. I went down to Toronto for a party, which to be honest, I didn't totally enjoy. I thought more people that I knew would be there, so I ended up quite anxious. However I had an okay social night with my friends. Saturday morning, I had coffee and an orange for breakfast outside on my friends patio and we chatted. It was nice to catch up. We talk daily, but it feels different now that she no longer lives with me.
I then dropped by my aunt's and uncle's place on my way home. My aunt made spectacular watermelon mojitos, which I had two large glasses of. I overestimated the calories in my drinks of course but I happily enjoyed them while catching up on family news.
I did have a binging and purging session last night, but it was honestly out of habit. I was having a good night. Cravings kicked in and I had ice cream in the freezer. I then ordered pizza...
I allowed myself to sleep in this morning instead of going to the gym. I went for a long walk to little strip mall, and picked up some jello and coffee at the grocery store, and then some random "necessities" at the dollar store. I'm now off to browse the book store before gymnastics, and then another party! I'm not going to drink tonight, and will probably head home around midnight, but I'll enjoy seeing my friends before getting in another good sleep.

I recently finished a slam poem but I'm not sure what I think about it yet. It starts off well but the ending is still weak. I'm hoping I'll be able to get it posted sometime in the coming week so stay posted!
I hope the weather is treating you all well.

-Niqi
xoxo

Thursday, May 14, 2015

pms

PMS is a bitch. My mood has dropped, my dreams are vivid and I'm eating absolutely everything. I need to get this back under control. I'm ridiculously bloated, and I can't get out of bed. I've wasted two work days, which is going to mean next week will be brutal.

I just don't know how to get out of this rut...

-Niqi
xoxo

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Rough night

Good morning (it's 9 minutes to noon as a write this, so I can still claim that it's the morning)

I'm not going to lie, last night has been awful. The past few days have been in fact. It's strange, I got a fabulous job, catching up on school, starting to take financial responsibility for myself, but of course, those things don't cure depression. So I still feel bad. I'm still struggling with binging and purging and self harm and bad thoughts. 

It's strange. When you picture your future, being healthy, I forget that I have to get healthy first. I picture my future as me being able to eat out with friends, doing research and living in California. Admittedly I am 20 lbs lighter in these thoughts, but for the most part, I'm no longer suffering from any mental illness. 

The problem is, is that I'm starting to get there. I am starting to reach my goals. In two short years, I'll be moving to California, and I'm already doing research for a prof, and thus really the starting point of my career. I'm not any better though. Well, I'm better then I was last summer, but I still struggle to get out of bed, stay safe every night and get through life. Why can't I just be happy? 

Last night was especially bad. After binging and purging basically all day yesterday, and then falling asleep before I could order pizza, I woke up around midnight, feeling quite nauseous. I finally pulled myself out of bed and into the bathroom. I'm not sure if I purged hands free for the first time or if I was sick. Honestly, I was half asleep. I didn't necessarily care about getting the food out, I just needed to stop feeling nauseous. I then stumbled back into bed with a burning throat. 

I then woke up in the middle of the night from a bad dream. I was having really vivid dreams. Some of the worst ones I've had in a while. One of my biggest struggles is figuring out which side of my brain I want to let win. I was training and competing for provencial championships again, but I had scars, and was so dehydrated from purging and couldn't get through routines. Right before I woke up, my coach had a very real and harsh talk with my about how I can't live on this tightrope. If I want to keep training, I need to commit. And that means getting better. 

I'm feeling quite shaky this morning. I'm not in a state to face these tough decisions. I know they need to made, I know that. And I know I need to fight every day to beat these horrible illnesses. But sometimes just fighting to stay alive is enough of a challenge. 

I'm doing my best to stay positive today. Even though all I want to do is drink, cut, binge, purge and sleep. Self destruct and give up on life. I spent a good half hour this morning staring at my ceiling thinking how my life would be different if I was rich. I could binge and purge on whatever I wanted, wouldn't need to be able to keep a stable job, I could take as long as I wanted to get through school. But wishful thinking won't get me anywhere, especially when I'm wishing that I had more money so I could be more self destructive. I'm going to journal, write to my penpals, and dig through the craft supplies I brought up from my parents house last time I went to visit. Maybe catch up on some big bang theory as well. 

Stay safe darlings.

-Niqi
xoxo

Monday, May 11, 2015

Mother's day

I know, I know, I'm a day late. But the love is still there.

Dear mom,
Thanks for being there for me. Thanks for not disowning me when I started to struggle. Thanks for not disowning me when I came out. I knew you wouldn't and never had any doubts that you would, but it was nice that I could always be comfortable. Thanks for trying your hardest for understanding when I told you I was suffering from bulimia. Thanks for coming to see me when I overdosed, and stayed in the ER with me. Thanks for staying by my side when I didn't want to live. Thanks for watching me hurt myself day after day after day, and still trying to get me help. I know we don't always see eye to eye, and we fight a lot, but I deep down, I know it's because you want what's best for me, and I don't always want what's best for me. Thank you.

Dear T,
Thanks for being a good step mom. You're an amazing mother to your two biological girls. And you're perfect at being my mom. You care for me like I'm your own, I know you would do anything to protect me. I also know that being a stepmom is hard. You've always done a great job at taking are of me while not replacing my mom. You're wonderful. Thank you.

Dear C,
You never got to have children of your own, as heaven couldn't wait for you. But you were wonderful to me. I could tell you anything and you would smile and pretend you weren't in pain as you lay in a hospital bed dying. You had the capabilities to turn the fact that you and my dad were suffering with cancer from something heartbreaking, to adventures around the hospital. You were such a trouper, making s'mores with me over the fire, putting up with my little 8 year old singing and continuous 'are we there yet's' on long car rides. Thank you.

-Niqi
xoxo

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Protein bars

Good afternoon loves. I hope you're all having a wonderful and relaxing Sunday.

I made some protein bars Friday night, and they turned out so well :) I'm super excited. I've been spending quite a lot of money on power bars, luna bars, quest bars, and cliff bars lately, and my bank account is suffering as a response. But  a protein bar is a good safe food for me - If I'm struggling to find a meal or want to binge and purge instead of having a snack, a protein bar tends to fill the craving I had for sweet food, and the protein makes me feel satisfied, and I don't feel too guilty as I know I needed the nutrients. I adapted a recipe I found online, so here is what I came up with. I have a few idea for some different flavors in the future, so stay posted!

Chocolate-date-coconut protein bars
- 1c oats blended into a flour
- 1c coconut
- 1c dates, soaked and pitted for 30min, then blended into a paste
- 1/2c protein powder
- 1/4c cocoa powder
- 1/4c chocolate coconut milk
Blend the dried ingredients, mix in the dates and then the oats. Mold into 15 bars. Refrigerate.
Super easy, super fast, super good.

The nutrition info on the right is for the protein powder I used, and using hot chocolate powder instead of cocoa powder as I was out. Enjoy!

-Niqi
xoxo

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Blendicano

I know I promised you all an article on my banana pancakes that I was about to make a little bit ago, but unfortunately, those ended up being a disaster. They didn't turn out like pancakes at all. I think I was short on egg whites in my batter, but I'm all out now so I can't try again for a little bit.

I did make myself a magnificent 0 cal caffeinated beverage this morning. People have been speaking of 'blendicanos', a calorie free alternative to Starbuck's frapps. I made one in my magic bullet this morning and it was fantastic!

Here is the recipe:
Fill you're bullet cup with ice. Pour 4 (or however many you'd like) shots of espresso over the ice. I would recommend making the espresso the night before and leaving it in the fridge. I poured hot espresso over mine and it wasn't as cold as ideal. I then put in 1/2tbs of splenda and 6 drops of dark chocolate stevia. I prefer the flavor of splenda so I always put it in, but only my stevia's have fun flavors. I need to figure out a way to make it not separate though.

I recently got a bottle of hazelnut stevia, and a bottle of dark chocolate stevia. They have been LIFE CHANGERS. It seems as though having artificial sweeteners would make my ED worse, but in fact it has had the opposite effect. I've been drinking 1% and 2% milk lately (something I never would have done last year), as I had some in the house I could make a flavored latte with my sweeteners.

I hope you're all enjoying the nice weather!

-Niqi
xoxo

Monday, May 4, 2015

First day at work!

My first day of work is today! I still don't feel like I deserve the job but I'm trying very hard to push those thoughts away. I was chosen for this position, so I'm going to use this as a great learning opportunity. 

I bought a new brand of yogurt (iogo instead of source, both fat free and 35kcal/100g though). I had some yesterday, and although I was uncomfortable I was a champ and had finished my breakfast. Mixing it with raspberries and having a delicious coffee with it also made the experience much more enjoyable. 

I'm also going to break out of my comfort zone this morning and make some banana pancakes for breakfast, and take the rest for lunch. The recipe I am going to be using is: 
1.5 large bananas
2 eggs
1/8 tsp of baking powder. 
Bananas have recently become a fear food of mine, but I've managed to have small slices of my friend's banana bread and feel okay with that, so this seems like a good healthy next step. I used to love bananas, I had one every single morning with some peanut butter for about 5 years. One day, I just couldn't do it. But I would really like to get back to a place where I feel comfortable eating bananas! They are so nutritious and full of potassium which is super important as I still struggle with purging. I'll make a post regarding how my banana pancakes went, what I ate them with, and some pictures tomorrow! 

I spent a lot of time deciding on an outfit for today, so here it is! It is a casual environment, but I still want to look semi professional for my first day. 

I bought some new earings yesterday as well, I know that they are hard to see but I have a blue starfish and a golden sea turtle.

















I hope you all have a wonderful day, leave me a comment (just please avoid comments about my weight!), and I am on the lookout for new pen palls if anyone is interested! 

-Niqi
xoxo

Saturday, May 2, 2015

A letter to you two

I'm suffocating. Layers of guilt weaved into the layers of fat surrounding my body. I can't breathe, I miss you two so much. I'm supposed to be visiting you this weekend.
But yet again, my mental illness has come in the way. What a great start to the month of May.
A, I know you're old enough to understand. That I can't handle being at home, it messes with my brain and I starve or stuff myself. You know I still love you and I still want to see you. But you've been fighting against a physical illness for quite some time now and we have the same symptoms. But I caused mine myself. If you're struggling over an ensure, I should be there supporting you, distracting you and making you laugh. Not struggling over one myself, isolated, in my room. I'm sorry.
E, you don't understand, you're simply too young. All you know is that I spend less and less time with you. I hardly ever come to visit anymore and you don't know why. And when I do come up you ask why my dinner is different than yours. I say its because I like different things but then you say you want the same dinner as me and you don't understand why tears roll down my face. I don't want you to mimic my eating habits. I know you look up to me but in some ways I'm an awful role model. I'm sorry I'm not the healthy, happy, helpful role model you need.

-Niqi
xoxo