Sunday, April 12, 2015

Home, triggering home

I've been working a lot on my relationship with my parents lately. It's getting a lot better. And honestly, being at my moms these past few days has been quite nice. I love getting to see my siblings, high school friends and old gymnastics team. I do wish I could see them more often.

For the most part, my parents know how to act in order to not be triggering. But I get quite triggered by other peoples interactions as well. My mom and my stepdad fighting the first night I got home got me right back into binging and purging. And then all my family telling me how healthy I looked. Logically I know that it's a compliment. But to me all I hear is fat.

But just home itself is triggering. All the food is free. I'm so used to purging my meals and binging when my parents are out that it seems even harder to stick to my meal plan when I'm at my mom's compared to at my place. It also brings up a lot of things I've left behind. For instance, my terrible experience working at Tim Hortons, the meltdowns I had in my guidance counselors office, and the binging I would do before gymnastics at Loblaws.

I know that it's better for my recovery to not go home.. but my parents never come visit me. And I miss them. I talk to them a lot on the phone but that isn't the same as seeing them, especially when it comes to my siblings. But home is tough. Very tough.

-Niqi
xoxo

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