What is it about the word healthy that makes me cringe? Is it the fat content that scares me in 'healthy' avocado, nuts and coconut oil? I know it's 'good fat' but the number of grams still scares me. Really, it's the idea of that fat on my body that scares me. But I want to appear healthy. I don't want people being worried that I'm going to collapse at any second, I want nice hair, I want to be able to do gymnastics. I do still want to lose weight, but I want to be able to live my daily life, and I don't want being underweight (which I technically would be at my goal weight) to affect me normal routine.
From this it may seem as though I want to be healthy. Yes there is some contradiction as I do want to be 'underweight', which is under my set point weight, but I do believe that it is okay to be slightly underweight and still healthy.
Then why is it that when I saw my entire family on Saturday, and they all told me I looked healthy all I heard was fat? Logically I know that's not what they meant. But emotionally, it's all I heard. I spent Thursday and Friday binging and purging, and was really hoping they wouldn't be able to tell. They didn't. In fact I looked healthy even though my head was in the toilet earlier that day.
For some reason I am still extremely triggered right now. I can't get the voices of my family telling me I look healthy out my mind, and my eating disorder brain is yelling at me.