To me recovery isn't weight restoration and eating granola and avocados every day.
To me, recovery means getting to a place where I'm happy with my body. If I count calories for the rest of my life I'm okay with that, if I maintain my weight.
To me, recovery is being able to nourish my body before going to the gym so my fitness level can actually improve.
To me, recovery is being able to adjust to a change of plans and eat out without a weeks warning.
The hospital won't accept me into treatment and quite honestly, I don't know if I want there treatment. I'm currently not underweight, however my goal weight is. But I know that its not so low that I won't be able to function. I know I'll feel more comfortable in my skin at that weight and I'll up my intake to maintain once I get there. Binging and purging is getting exhausting, expensive and causing me to skip school and social events. I want that to stop.
I did, however just talk to a wonderful woman who runs an eating disorder support place called Danielle's Place. She was very kind and sympathetic about my borderline not allowing me to get into hospital treatment. I gave her my email adress
At this point in my life, losing the last x pounds is still a priority. But I'm working hard every day to reduce binging and purging, gets lots of vitamins and fiber and learning that my weight and success in life are two different things.
People like to think this means I'm not in recovery. But I like to think that everyone's recovery is different and personal, and as long as you're fighting to live, you're in some sort of recovery and doing awesome.