Monday, March 2, 2015

Monster steps

Most of the time as I work through my recovery I have to remind myself, that every little success I have is very important and that it is those baby steps that are going to get me to a better place.
But every so often, we make a monster step. We take a big leap.

Grocery shopping is always very difficult for me. I did have a small (<1000cal) 'binge' and purge afterwards. But I didn't complete the purge as I had eaten some protein bars and I could have some extra protein in my diet. If I purge, it's usually all the way, and I tend to flush even though I know how terrible it is to do so. I just can't fight the urges. But yesterday I did. And that is a huge step for me.

Following that, I was invited out to dinner with my housemates family. I love his family. They are all really sweet, very kind and caring, and super supportive. His little sister also seems to look up to me a little (at the very least she likes me) and that helps bring up my spirits. But dinner out is such a difficult thing. Lunch I could do, but by the time dinner comes around, I'm so tired of fighting all day that it is so hard for me to agree to go out, eat something off a menu with no calorie information and keep it down. And dinner portions at restaurants are huge! It took me a mg of ativan to calm down enough to go and choose something off the menu. I ended up ordering a vegetarian quesedilla, and I was really proud of myself for appearing 'normal' or what not. I wanted to order a salad, but everyone else was ordering quesedillas or burritos and I didn't want to draw attention to myself. Unfortunately I did end up purging. However, I am still proud of myself for the way I handled the situation.

Next time I go out, my goal is to order whatever I want, and not worry about drawing attention to myself. I want to be able to go out, enjoy a meal, and not rush to the washroom and awkwardly wait for the other stalls to be empty. If that means I can only have a salad, so be it.

Keep fighting guys <3 <3 We can all do this, I know we can.


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