Monday, March 30, 2015

100 facts about me

My goal is to give you guys 100 facts about myself, without talking about diagnosis, and hospitalizations and therapy.

1. My favorite color is purple
2. Pink, blue and green are all close seconds
3. When my mom was pregnant with my brother, I told her I wanted a sister or a dolphin. When my brother was born my mom got me a nice big stuffed dolphin
4. I'm studying math and stats
5. I'm in my second year of University
6. My favorite animals are sea turtles
7. I want to go bungee jumping in New Zealand
8. I lived in California for three years, and another three years on and off
9 I'm proudly Canadian
10. I really want to move back to California
11. I plan on moving to California for grad school
12. I might go to BC though, because universal healthcare has done so much for me
13. I have a penguin onsie
14. I love patterned pants and leggings
15. I don't own a single pair of jeans
16 My favorite non fiction book is Wasted by Marya Hornbacher
17. My favorite fiction book is Looking for Alaska by John Green
18. I love bubble baths
19. The two books listed in 16 and 17 sit beside my bathtub
20. I love candles
21. My favorite scents are citrus and warm caramel vanilla ones
22. I swear. A lot.
23. I'm a very classy person when I need to be though, and don't swear in front of my parents
24. My parents are divorced and happily remarried
25. My favorite swear is ending sentences with "as fuck"
26. I'm extremely sassy and sarcastic
27. I'm also very kind and caring
28. I believe in working hard to get to the top
29. I have two half siblings on my mom's side
30. I have a step sister and half sister on my dad's side
31. My siblings are the reason I'm still alive
32. Albert Einstein is my inspiration
33. I have a picture of Albert Einstein in therapy saved on my computer
34. My room is teal
35. My bathroom is purple
36. I'm obsessed with coffee
37. I'm also obsessed with tea
38. I love popcorn
39. Soup is my favorite winter snack
40. I also have an obsession with Candy Canes
41. I still have about a 100 candy canes I got on sale after Christmas
42. I love mini eggs but don't eat the blue ones
43. Peanut butter is my weakness
44. I love dried fruit with dark chocolate
45 Dark chocolate covered coffee beans are my crack
46. I spend way way way too much money at starbucks
47. My birthday is in July
48. I skipped grade 4
49. I actually also skipped junior kindergarden
50. I redid grade 2 though; once in french and once in English
51. I went to a Montessori school until I was about 7
52. I've been a gymnast since I could walk
53. I've never been at a national level, but I devoted 16hrs a week to the gym all through high school
54. I compete for my university team, but it is just a club team.. no where near NCAA level
55. I've died my hair bright fushia and bright blue
56. My hair is currently growing out as I impulsively chopped it off in September
57. I play guitar and viola
58. I owned my own company for a summer making Barbie clothes
59. I'm at least two years younger than most of my friends
60. This makes going out very difficult
61. There are currently 10 packages of soup in my pantry
62. I currently live with 4 other wonderful housemates
63. My bathroom is in the basement
64. I'm not good at either guitar or viola
65. I'm in love with Songza
66. My favorite Songza playlists are, today's happy pop, what would Beyonce do, and In need of a hug
67. I love country music
68. Most of my friends hate country music
69. I met one of my best friends online, and have yet to meet her in person (you know who you are ;))
70. I have amazing friends that are super supportive
71. I'm an early bird
72. I have two mickey mouse sweaters and one snoopy sweater
73. I wear a panda hat all winter long
74. I've been to two concerts: Lights and Ed Sheeran
75. Ed Sheeran is absolutely amazing and if we would marry me that would be great
76. I don't actually want to get married
77. I don't want kids either, at least not until I have a successful career
78. I want to do research in pure math or mathematical modeling of solar system formation
79. I am one of the biggest nerds you will ever meet
80. I would much rather spend my night with a mixed drink playing Settlers of Catan then taking shots at a club
81. I actually really hate clubs, but really love bars
82. I'm going on a date in a few weeks and I'm really nervous
83. I'm currently drinking a coconut milk latte with a candy cane swirled in
84. I love berries and pineapple, especially mixed together
85. Hoodies and leggings are my go to style
86. I like having my room neat and clean
87. I'm not very good at keeping my room neat and clean
88. I'm very excited that it's creme egg mcflurry time
89. I want to die my hair purple once it's long agian
90. I have two piercings in each ear
91. I want to have a third hole, and then my cartilage on one ear and my tragus on the other ear done
92. I also want to pierce my nose and belly button
93. I think a hip and ankle piercing would be really cute as well but would get in the way
94. I'm not tatted but I want to be (check on this blog in a couple days for my tattoo blog post)
95. I'm not rich enough to currently be tatted
96. I love working out - and I mean that honestly. Endorphins are the best
97. My laptop background is a cat and it says No Bad Thoughts, Not Today Motherfucker
98. I have a research job over the summer that I'm super duper excited about
99. I'm a huge caffeine addict
100. It only took me about 45 minutes to get through this list!

Have a great day everyone :)

-Niqi
xoxo

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Recovery

To me recovery isn't weight restoration and eating granola and avocados every day.

To me, recovery means getting to a place where I'm happy with my body. If I count calories for the rest of my life I'm okay with that, if I maintain my weight.
To me, recovery is being able to nourish my body before going to the gym so my fitness level can actually improve.
To me, recovery is being able to adjust to a change of plans and eat out without a weeks warning.

The hospital won't accept me into treatment and quite honestly, I don't know if I want there treatment. I'm currently not underweight, however my goal weight is. But I know that its not so low that I won't be able to function. I know I'll feel more comfortable in my skin at that weight and I'll up my intake to maintain once I get there. Binging and purging is getting exhausting, expensive and causing me to skip school and social events. I want that to stop.
I did, however just talk to a wonderful woman who runs an eating disorder support place called Danielle's Place. She was very kind and sympathetic about my borderline not allowing me to get into hospital treatment. I gave her my email adress
At this point in my life, losing the last x pounds is still a priority. But I'm working hard every day to reduce binging and purging, gets lots of vitamins and fiber and learning that my weight and success in life are two different things.

People like to think this means I'm not in recovery. But I like to think that everyone's recovery is different and personal, and as long as you're fighting to live, you're in some sort of recovery and doing awesome.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

I want

I want to be able to wake up in the morning, eat a banana and go for a run on the beach. I want to then workout in the sun and lift heavy things before going home and eating a big bowl of oats and raspberries because I want to fuel my body.

I want to have vegetable sushi, or a wrap filled with avocado for lunch and then sip a frappuccino as I go for a walk during my lunch break.

I want to have the energy to go out and have a few drinks at the end of a long work day, and dance the night away.

I want to enjoy a buttery popcorn while I watch romcoms while cuddling my cat.

I find myself working out while feeling faint because I didn't properly feed myself, and never getting 
any stronger.

I find myself having soup or oatmeal for lunch while curled up in blankets because I'm always cold.

I find myself passing out at parties after one shot, which I needed to feel comfortable in that situation.

I find myself convincing myself that popcorn tastes just as good without the butter after I hold a plank while watching a movie.

Something's got to give.


Niqi
-xoxo

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Morning routine

I've always been a morning person. I am much more productive in the morning, and I like the feeling of being up, awake and alive before the rest of the world. Lately my depression has been making it very hard for me to get out of bed in the morning - and a bad morning leads to a bad day for me about 99% of the time. Yesterday, during group, I did some thinking and made a new plan for the morning.

There are two things I need in the morning. A shower, and my coffee. This may sound strange, but for me showers have always been a way to hit the reset button on my brain. If I'm feeling low in the middle of the day, I like to have a nice hot shower, self soothe by using my good shampoo, conditioner and body scrub, and when I step out of the shower I pretend it's a new day. Sometimes I have a breakdown in the shower, I let my tears run down, I punch the wall (I actually have one of those bath pillows stuck on my shower wall so that I can punch it without hurting myself), I scream. I let my emotions out. But when I step out of the shower, I may still feel sad or angry, but I give myself a new start. I realized that there is definitely a big correlation between my bad mornings, and mornings I don't shower. So step number 1: always shower in the morning.

The second thing I need, is my caffeine. I am trying to reduce my caffeine intake to a moderate amount (I've gotten in trouble with my caffeine intake being so high I had to worry about my heart), so my caffeine is no longer in the form of pills. It's in the form of a nice cup of tea or coffee. The thing is, depression can make the simplest tasks seem impossible. Walking up the stairs to make myself a cup of coffee in the morning, before I've had any coffee, is one of the hardest things for me to do. So last night, a brewed myself a nice cup of coffee, but it in my incredible thermal mug, and left it in my bathroom. So when I woke up this morning, all I had to do was get myself to my bathroom, and I could have my coffee, and shower. Since my bathroom is only three steps away from my bed this is much more doable for me in the morning.

Here is the new breakdown of my morning:

7:00 am - alarm goes off, go to the bathroom, weigh in, drink some coffee, step in the shower
7:30 am - get dressed, finish off my coffee, spend half an hour at my desk blogging, finishing up some work, checking social media, while I sit by my happy light and let my hair air dry.
8:00 am - breakfast! (I MUST EAT BREAKFAST NO MATTER WHAT THE SCALE SAYS. BREAKFAST IS IMPORTANT.) and making my lunch for the day
8:30 am Get my bag ready for the day, make sure I have all my assignments and books I need, make a rough schedule for the day.
9:00 am WALK (don't bus) to school while listening to some HAPPY music.

This is the first morning I'm trying out this new schedule, and it is only 7:56 am right now, but I already feel a lot better than I usually do in the morning. I'm really happy with this new morning routine, and I think it is going to massively improve my days.

Good morning everyone!

-Niqi
xoxo

Monday, March 23, 2015

Spread the Love

Firstly, yes I really should be sleeping. This is supposed to be part of my 30 minutes of watching Netflix while drifting asleep. But I had a lot of caffeine, which I haven't had in a while, and it makes me feel good. Less depressed. More motivated.

I was doing some calculus questions at starbucks today after a horrendous morning/early afternoon of skipping classes in order to b/p. This is a huge no no for me. A big red light. I need to get on track of my binging and purging before it gets any worse.

But anyways, I was sitting at starbucks doing my calculus when my friend calls. She was very worried about one of her friends, who hadn't been eating. She was struggling a lot, and my friend called to ask for my advice with regards to handling the situation. I was so thankful she called me, as there are so many things that one can say that will make someone spiral farther down into their eating disorder, especially when they are really struggling, which from the sounds of it, she was. After telling my friend the best ways to talk to her, gets her electrolytes and to make she eats at least a little bit, she asked me how I was doing. I admitted that I've been really struggling lately and my bulimia thoughts have been loud. Of course there were other people around, but everyone was busy doing their own thing, and the only person really in ear shot was on and off the phone herself and doing an assignment.

A couple hours later, the girl who was sitting at the same table I was got up to leave. Before she left she came over and said:
I don't mean to interrupt, and I wasn't trying to eavesdrop, but I heard you saying you were struggling over the phone. I just wanted to wish you the best.
This honestly made my day. My friends are always there to support me, but for a stranger to come by and say that made me feel like people really do care. Lots of people anonymously give me support, and it is easy to do over a screen. But this girl really put effort in to come tell me she wishes me the best. People are genuinely good. I want to spread the love and kindness I received. So next time I overhear someone struggling, I will go up to them and wish them the best as well. Because those few words made my evening so much nicer. (And convinced me to not go buy binge food on my way home, and make a nice smoothie that I kept down)

To any of my followers who are struggling, who may not have gotten the love and kindness they deserved today.
You are wonderful. I may or may not know you, but making it this far proves how strong you are. So even if I don't know your story, I know that you are so amazingly strong. Things will get better, they may get worse first, but I promise they WILL get better. You can get through anything. Good luck with your current challenges <3

-Niqi
xoxo

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Remember the little things

Sorry that I have been gone for a while. It's that final few weeks of the semester, where everything seems to be coming together and falling apart at the same time. My work load is decreasing but exams are coming up in a month and are haunting my thoughts. I only have three more assignments until my term work is done, and I am looking forward to that. However, I'm writing a 60% and a 100% exam this term, so this is going to be a tough exam period. My accommodations haven't been put through either, and I'm starting to worry that the university thinks I can write exams without accommodations. I wish I could but my anxiety just can't handle it.

During these tough times, I am working really hard to remember the little things. It is the little things that make getting through day to day life bearable, and sometimes even pleasurable. Here are the little things I try to remember when things seem dark and hopeless:

- bubble baths
- coffee
- music
- netflix
- hugging my stuffed animals
- spring coming around
- coffee shops and mochas
- glittery nail polish
- reading a good book
- dancing to your favorite song
- finally understanding a hard concept
- cozy sweaters
- lemonade
- tumblr
- candy canes
- how beautiful campus is
- cute underwear
- heals
- freshly washed sheets
- popcorn and a movie
- cute mugs
- candles
- skyping my siblings

Remember that life may seem overwhelming and too much, but it's okay to say fuck it to responsibilities and just breathe. Drink some good coffee, relax with a book or a movie, or braid a friend's hair. Everything will be okay. Tomorrow will come, and even your worst days are only 24hrs.

-Niqi
xoxo

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Talking to the rents

I've never been a very open person. In fact, I hid all of my problems for four years, before going to university and realizing that I could be open and get help, and that wasn't alone.
Even though my parents are now aware of my struggles and were involved in my treatment for a few months when I was being hospitalized and still 17, I still have a hard time telling them about a lot of my behaviors. It's hard enough to admit to b/p to my housemates or therapist because I'm quite ashamed of it, but how do I tell my parents that I'm still engaging in those behaviors? It's their money that I'm flushing down the toilet. How do I tell them that I relapsed and I'm cutting myself again when they spent 16 years kissing every little scrape I got on the playground? How do I tell them that I lost my virginity to an acquaintance I met on twitter because I was stressed as fuck, and that it was really bad?
How do you tell the people who tried so hard to save you from all the dangers in the world, that the biggest danger lies in your very own mind?

-Niqi
xoxo

Monday, March 2, 2015

My hair

My hair has started to fall out again. And by started to fall out again, I am consistently pulling out clumps of hair every time I shower. I stopped taking my vitamins for a bit because I take so many other medication that I just got sick of having to swallow so many pills. Clearly I can't do that.

Hair care plan for the next little bit:
- No dying my hair until April 28th when I write my last final. No matter how bad my roots get. No matter how much I think my personality would be better expressed with colorful hair.
- Shampoo every day, but alternate between a heavy and light shampooing - I workout too much to not shampoo my hair every day.
- Condition my hair TWICE a day.
- Keep hair down as much as possible
- Blow dry and straighten my hair on lower settings
- Apply split end treatment to my hair every night
- Invest in a hair mask and use it every weekend.
- Go back to taking all my vitamins as I should be.
- Do my best to eat lots of fruits and veggies and reduce b/p (because it is on those days where I don't get any good nutrients)

Hopefully this works out for me <3

-Niqi
xoxo

Monster steps

Most of the time as I work through my recovery I have to remind myself, that every little success I have is very important and that it is those baby steps that are going to get me to a better place.
But every so often, we make a monster step. We take a big leap.

Grocery shopping is always very difficult for me. I did have a small (<1000cal) 'binge' and purge afterwards. But I didn't complete the purge as I had eaten some protein bars and I could have some extra protein in my diet. If I purge, it's usually all the way, and I tend to flush even though I know how terrible it is to do so. I just can't fight the urges. But yesterday I did. And that is a huge step for me.

Following that, I was invited out to dinner with my housemates family. I love his family. They are all really sweet, very kind and caring, and super supportive. His little sister also seems to look up to me a little (at the very least she likes me) and that helps bring up my spirits. But dinner out is such a difficult thing. Lunch I could do, but by the time dinner comes around, I'm so tired of fighting all day that it is so hard for me to agree to go out, eat something off a menu with no calorie information and keep it down. And dinner portions at restaurants are huge! It took me a mg of ativan to calm down enough to go and choose something off the menu. I ended up ordering a vegetarian quesedilla, and I was really proud of myself for appearing 'normal' or what not. I wanted to order a salad, but everyone else was ordering quesedillas or burritos and I didn't want to draw attention to myself. Unfortunately I did end up purging. However, I am still proud of myself for the way I handled the situation.

Next time I go out, my goal is to order whatever I want, and not worry about drawing attention to myself. I want to be able to go out, enjoy a meal, and not rush to the washroom and awkwardly wait for the other stalls to be empty. If that means I can only have a salad, so be it.

Keep fighting guys <3 <3 We can all do this, I know we can.

-Niqi
xoxo