Sunday, February 22, 2015

I'm sick

Waking up with a very bad sore throat, or acid re flux isn't a rare experience for me. All my purging takes a toll. However, that doesn't change the fact that every time I wake up with one of these I panic, and check for a lump at the back of my throat to make sure that I don't have esophageal cancer. Of course, you can't always see the tumor, so I then over analyse every other symptom I have with esophageal cancer symptoms.
So far, I have yet to decide that I need to get scanned for cancer. But my anxiety still gets me every time. Yesterday morning I woke up with a bad sore throat and some re flux. After deciding that I had a cold and not cancer, it hit me how awful the next few days were going to be. Not only does a bad cold mean sleepless nights, lots of naps, a lack of motivation, and general feeling crappy, it really fucks up my food intake.
I can't follow my usual meal plan because I either have no appetite or a ridiculous appetite. I want to be able to tell my eating disorder to shut up and let me beat this virus, but mental illnesses don't work that way. You can't take a break from them when things aren't working out too greatly. So I feel like crap, I'm not doing my work or getting exercise, so that doesn't help with the anxiety or depression, so all I want to do is binge and purge.
Here's a tip: NEVER purge while being sick. I mean, don't purge if you can, but especially not if your sick. I feel like knives are scratching at the back of my throat. My re flux is worse because of the cold, which just makes everything worse, because it makes purging so much more tempting.
After a b/p on peanut butter this morning, I managed to drag myself out to a cafe and get some work done. But oh goodness do I feel like crap. Being sick is awful.
Wash your hands lots for the rest of the cold season lovelies <3

-Niqi
xoxo

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