I feel as though I'm making some good steps towards getting better today. Especially related to my binge/purge tendencies.
I slept 1.5hrs last night. That's it. Only 1.5 hours. I was up until 5:30am finishing assignments. Obviously lack of sleep increases appetite, so I've been very tempted to just ignore my hunger signals today. But, sitting on an exercise ball all night, while chugging tea and pepsi max, and studying also increases your metabolism.
I got myself a power bar as a snack. I tend to not have morning snacks, and if I do they are usually just an apple. But I allowed myself to eat today. I got out of my midterm and wanted to binge. But instead I ate a power bar. I spent 10 minutes choosing which one I was comfortable with. I settled with a Cookies N Cream Power bar. (210, 5g fat, 20g protein).
Of course after eating it I just wanted to purge. But I decided I didn't want to break my three day streak. So, I am actually sitting in my friend's planetary science class right now. Not only would it be awkward if I got up to go purge, my friend would know exactly what I'm doing and probably physically stop me from getting out. Thank god I have amazing friends, who I can tell anything to and don't judge me :)
I did it. I ate an unplanned snack. I survived. I'm going to dance later as well so I'm getting some exercise in. I haven't been to the gym very much this week because of my crazy school schedule right now, but my body is yelling at me and just wants to go move.
One step at a time right. I feel so much better when I'm not binging or purging, regardless of my restriction. I don't consider myself to be in recovery as I refuse to follow my doctor's diet plan for me, and I'm actively trying to lose weight, but I am getting better. Maybe one day I'll go from having an eating disorder to disordered eating. I just want to be in control of food again instead of having food be in control of me.