Wednesday, February 11, 2015

A day in the life

I wake up in a haze
Partly because my crazy dreams make me lose my sense of reality
Partly because I spent the night with my head in the toilet.
My joints pop and crack as I roll out of bed
Into the bathroom 
And undress.

Standing in front of the mirror
I swear I can see the fat that came
From the extra crackers I ate yesterday
Or the binge I didn't completely purge. 

Scrutinizing every inch 
Of every body part
I close my eyes
Sigh and get on the scale

The number may have gone down, 
It may have gone up
It doesn't matter anymore
I still think it's too much. 

I put on my robe
And make some coffee
1 cup to wake up,
The other to help me swallow
The 7 pills I take every morning.

Back in my room I start putting on my disguise
It starts with the clothes
I pick colorful, bright ones. 
Then the makeup so no one can see
The bags under my eyes
Or the chipmunk cheeks rounding my face.

I brush my teeth while doing ankle raises, 
Get all my stuff ready for the day, 
And debate if I should eat breakfast, 
Maybe a piece of fruit today, 
I'm trying to avoid binging.

I grab my bag
And my mug full of caffeine
And layer on some clothes
Maybe I'll feel my toes today
While walking to campus.

I pass by the bus stop
Wonder if I should get on
I'm too fat not to walk
But too cold to stay outside.

I force myself to walk
While shivering in the cold
Listening to happy music
Maybe that will change my mood
But we all know its a hopeless case

First class and I can pay good attention
But my notes aren't the neatest
The caffeine flooding my veins
Is making me shake

As I get through the day
My brain gets foggier
And no amount of Pepsi Max, tea and coffee
Will get me through without feeling
A massive weight on my shoulders

I head to the gym and park myself on a bike
With my headphones in
An eating disorder movie playing
I peddle and peddle
Until the number of calories burned
Is high enough to boost
My negative self esteem

In my office I boil some water
Drink some tea, and eat my lunch
Of veggies and soup
And make some oatmeal to take
With me to my next class

My last class is a little bit
Of a haze to be honest
I try my best to stay focused
I insist on high grades

I start my journey home
And as I walk by
The pharmacy and coffee shops
I wonder what if I should
Pick up some binge food.

It's so hard to resist
The urges and temptation
As I walk by
But I know I just can't
Binge again today.

When I get home,
I'm so worn out
So into my bed I go
I think of all the work
I need to do but
I just have no energy
To do that right now

I wake up from my nap
In a bit of a panic
There's so much work
I still need to do.

I sit at my desk,
Turn on some music
Or Netflix in the background
And open my books

A few hours later
I drag myself upstairs
And start cooking some veggies

I'm so overwhelmed
By the time I get downstairs
That I grab my wallet and
head out the door.

I spend way too much money
On a bunch of bad food
I'm completely broke
I flush my savings down the toilet

Binge purge binge purge
And I study on my purging high
Binge purge binge purge
Some electrolytes and off to sleep
Maybe tomorrow will be better.

-Niqi
xoxo


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