Sunday, February 22, 2015

I'm sick

Waking up with a very bad sore throat, or acid re flux isn't a rare experience for me. All my purging takes a toll. However, that doesn't change the fact that every time I wake up with one of these I panic, and check for a lump at the back of my throat to make sure that I don't have esophageal cancer. Of course, you can't always see the tumor, so I then over analyse every other symptom I have with esophageal cancer symptoms.
So far, I have yet to decide that I need to get scanned for cancer. But my anxiety still gets me every time. Yesterday morning I woke up with a bad sore throat and some re flux. After deciding that I had a cold and not cancer, it hit me how awful the next few days were going to be. Not only does a bad cold mean sleepless nights, lots of naps, a lack of motivation, and general feeling crappy, it really fucks up my food intake.
I can't follow my usual meal plan because I either have no appetite or a ridiculous appetite. I want to be able to tell my eating disorder to shut up and let me beat this virus, but mental illnesses don't work that way. You can't take a break from them when things aren't working out too greatly. So I feel like crap, I'm not doing my work or getting exercise, so that doesn't help with the anxiety or depression, so all I want to do is binge and purge.
Here's a tip: NEVER purge while being sick. I mean, don't purge if you can, but especially not if your sick. I feel like knives are scratching at the back of my throat. My re flux is worse because of the cold, which just makes everything worse, because it makes purging so much more tempting.
After a b/p on peanut butter this morning, I managed to drag myself out to a cafe and get some work done. But oh goodness do I feel like crap. Being sick is awful.
Wash your hands lots for the rest of the cold season lovelies <3

-Niqi
xoxo

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Dance

Sometimes, I get really emotional and can't seem to put it into words. However, actions speak louder than words, and dancing is something I use to help get me emotions out.

Here is my dance to Lullaby (by Nickelback), a song that got me through a lot of hard times.

-Niqi
xoxo

Friday, February 13, 2015

Baby steps

I feel as though I'm making some good steps towards getting better today. Especially related to my binge/purge tendencies.
I slept 1.5hrs last night. That's it. Only 1.5 hours. I was up until 5:30am finishing assignments. Obviously lack of sleep increases appetite, so I've been very tempted to just ignore my hunger signals today. But, sitting on an exercise ball all night, while chugging tea and pepsi max, and studying also increases your metabolism.
I got myself a power bar as a snack. I tend to not have morning snacks, and if I do they are usually just an apple. But I allowed myself to eat today. I got out of my midterm and wanted to binge. But instead I ate a power bar. I spent 10 minutes choosing which one I was comfortable with. I settled with a Cookies N Cream Power bar. (210, 5g fat, 20g protein).
Of course after eating it I just wanted to purge. But I decided I didn't want to break my three day streak. So, I am actually sitting in my friend's planetary science class right now. Not only would it be awkward if I got up to go purge, my friend would know exactly what I'm doing and probably physically stop me from getting out. Thank god I have amazing friends, who I can tell anything to and don't judge me :)

I did it. I ate an unplanned snack. I survived. I'm going to dance later as well so I'm getting some exercise in. I haven't been to the gym very much this week because of my crazy school schedule right now, but my body is yelling at me and just wants to go move.

One step at a time right. I feel so much better when I'm not binging or purging, regardless of my restriction. I don't consider myself to be in recovery as I refuse to follow my doctor's diet plan for me, and I'm actively trying to lose weight, but I am getting better. Maybe one day I'll go from having an eating disorder to disordered eating. I just want to be in control of food again instead of having food be in control of me.

-Niqi
xoxo

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Anxiety

I hate waking up at 5am every morning in a panic because I'm sure that there is something I forgot to do.
I hate falling back asleep and then missing my alarm because I slept so badly.
I hate waking up without enough time to get myself to class on time, so I simply skip class because I can't stand the thought of walking in late and all eyes turning towards me.
I hate that I need to take ativan some nights and it knocks me out before I can get all my work done.
I hate that my heart rate goes from 60bpm to 90bpm just thinking about going to group.
I hate that I start to shake before every exam I write, so my writing is always sloppy.
I hate not being able to relax.
I hate anxiety.

-Niqi
xoxo

Hovering

I'm hovering.
I'm on the edge.
Fluttering between

Recovery and relapse

Acceptance and hate

Eating and starving

Nurturing and purging

Smiling and crying

Soothing and harming

Life and death.

-Niqi
xoxo

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

A day in the life

I wake up in a haze
Partly because my crazy dreams make me lose my sense of reality
Partly because I spent the night with my head in the toilet.
My joints pop and crack as I roll out of bed
Into the bathroom 
And undress.

Standing in front of the mirror
I swear I can see the fat that came
From the extra crackers I ate yesterday
Or the binge I didn't completely purge. 

Scrutinizing every inch 
Of every body part
I close my eyes
Sigh and get on the scale

The number may have gone down, 
It may have gone up
It doesn't matter anymore
I still think it's too much. 

I put on my robe
And make some coffee
1 cup to wake up,
The other to help me swallow
The 7 pills I take every morning.

Back in my room I start putting on my disguise
It starts with the clothes
I pick colorful, bright ones. 
Then the makeup so no one can see
The bags under my eyes
Or the chipmunk cheeks rounding my face.

I brush my teeth while doing ankle raises, 
Get all my stuff ready for the day, 
And debate if I should eat breakfast, 
Maybe a piece of fruit today, 
I'm trying to avoid binging.

I grab my bag
And my mug full of caffeine
And layer on some clothes
Maybe I'll feel my toes today
While walking to campus.

I pass by the bus stop
Wonder if I should get on
I'm too fat not to walk
But too cold to stay outside.

I force myself to walk
While shivering in the cold
Listening to happy music
Maybe that will change my mood
But we all know its a hopeless case

First class and I can pay good attention
But my notes aren't the neatest
The caffeine flooding my veins
Is making me shake

As I get through the day
My brain gets foggier
And no amount of Pepsi Max, tea and coffee
Will get me through without feeling
A massive weight on my shoulders

I head to the gym and park myself on a bike
With my headphones in
An eating disorder movie playing
I peddle and peddle
Until the number of calories burned
Is high enough to boost
My negative self esteem

In my office I boil some water
Drink some tea, and eat my lunch
Of veggies and soup
And make some oatmeal to take
With me to my next class

My last class is a little bit
Of a haze to be honest
I try my best to stay focused
I insist on high grades

I start my journey home
And as I walk by
The pharmacy and coffee shops
I wonder what if I should
Pick up some binge food.

It's so hard to resist
The urges and temptation
As I walk by
But I know I just can't
Binge again today.

When I get home,
I'm so worn out
So into my bed I go
I think of all the work
I need to do but
I just have no energy
To do that right now

I wake up from my nap
In a bit of a panic
There's so much work
I still need to do.

I sit at my desk,
Turn on some music
Or Netflix in the background
And open my books

A few hours later
I drag myself upstairs
And start cooking some veggies

I'm so overwhelmed
By the time I get downstairs
That I grab my wallet and
head out the door.

I spend way too much money
On a bunch of bad food
I'm completely broke
I flush my savings down the toilet

Binge purge binge purge
And I study on my purging high
Binge purge binge purge
Some electrolytes and off to sleep
Maybe tomorrow will be better.

-Niqi
xoxo


Hunger

I don't feel hunger
the same you do
To me hunger is what I feel
When I'm sad
Tired
Angry
Or lonely.
Hunger to me
Isn't something that
Can be satisfied
By a balanced meal or
An afternoon snack.

To me my stomach grumbling
Isn't a sign telling me to eat
But a message telling me
That I'm better then that
I'm above the rest
And don't need anything
At all
Because that's what I am.
Nothing.

To me having my head in the toilet
Isn't something that happens
Every so often
When I drink too much
But a daily activity
That a repeat again and again
Its my sanity, my safety,
My way to control
Everything.

To me being full,
Doesn't happen when I've
Had a satisfying meal.
But happens after I've eaten
The entire kitchen while
Watching Netflix and trying
To numb the pain.
Or sometimes being full
Is what happens when
I'm staring at my reflection
And realize I take up
Way too much space.

-Niqi
xoxo

Thursday, February 5, 2015

I need you to know: video

I decided to make a youtube video of my favorite piece "I need you to know"



-Niqi
xoxo

101 guide to being in a relationship with someone with BPD

I hate making blanket statements, of course this isn't accurate for everyone with borderline personality disorder.

Firstly, I'm bad in social situations. I will either tell everyone my life story and not say a single word. Sometimes I will go through both of these phases in the same night. Let me be. Don't pester me when I'm quiet, asking me what's wrong. I just don't wanna talk anymore, I want to withdraw. Let me be. I might just go take a nap in the corner of the room or put my headphones in. Don't take it offensively, you're throwing a great party. In half an hour I'll probably grinding on the dance floor again. 

Secondly, don't judge. I understand that you don't fully understand my personality disorder. I'm going to do stupid things and regret them later. I might go spend 300$ on a dress I don't need, putting me in debt. Or wake up stressed so call someone I barely know to have sex. I'm working on my impulse, but these activities are healthier than the other ideas that run through my mind. After these episodes, I'm just proud of myself if I have no new scars, and didn't overdose. It may sound like low standards, but it's just where I'm at and that's okay. So don't judge. 

Lastly, I am going to send you mixed signals. I'll get mad when you don't care but push you away when you show concern. I'll spill my soul out to you, and then refuse to talk about any of it. I'll tell you I'm struggling, but I won't show it and I'll deny your help. I'm sorry, I know it's stressful for you. Let me be. I'll talk to you when I'm ready and comfortable. Don't push me or I'll push you farther away. 

-Niqi
xoxo

Monday, February 2, 2015

I have normal bowel movements!

I know you guys have already heard lots about my poops. But I am very exciting so I am going to share some more.
Firstly, I successfully went all of January without taking a single laxative! Laxatives are how me ED started so I am super super super happy and proud of myself. I still purge and restrict and over exercise, but I'm taking steps in the right direction. And, my body is rewarding me!
I had a couple cups of coffee yesterday. And guess what? It worked as a natural laxative! It made me poo :) Coffee has never done this for me before because I've always been too dependent on laxative pills.
This post is going to be short, as I'm having a rough time right now. But I'm doing my best to celebrate my small successes.
I know that if you guys want to kick your laxative addiction you can! I understand why you love them. It gets that food weight out faster. But they work on your colon. Most of the calories have already been absorbed by your small intestine. I hate feeling full after I binge. But laxatives aren't going to be my answer anymore.

-Niqi
xoxo