Sunday, January 11, 2015

I need you to know

I need you to know that every time you plan to drink
I fall asleep scared that you'll cut too deep
And every morning when I wake up the first
Thing I do is check to see if you're okay
I need you to know that I would miss you and I
Would forever wonder if I could have stopped you
And I know that you think that I'll get over it because
I think the same way when I want to swallow my bottle of pills
I know you think that if you leave,
The sun will still rise and the stars will still shine because I
Think the same way when I'm staring down from a bridge but
I need you to know that things would be different and
I know I'm being selfish right now but I need you to stay
Because I don't know what I would do without you and
No it's not your responsibility to take care of me but please
I'm begging you, stay. Please, just stay
I know it's not fair that my depression makes me sleep for
Countless hours every day, while you lie awake tormented with
Your thoughts and I'm not available to talk to you and I know
It's not fair that when you do fall asleep it isn't that great because
The meds make your dreams turn to nightmares and you awaken
With a disturbed sense of reality and I know
That it just gets worse when you clear your mind because your
Life is more of a nightmare than your dreams ever could be
And I know that it's tempting to find a piece of rope and just be
Nothing, because I have the same feeling when I wake up in
The morning but please
I need you to know that you need to stay, because I'm not
Strong enough to stay without you, and I know
That I'm being a burden but it's only because
I have this little shred of hope, this tiny little voice
That tells me that maybe things will get better, and maybe
My therapist is right, and I just need to fight and
I need you to know that I want to fight with you
So we can both see the light
When we get through this tunnel so
Please
Stay.

This piece is extremely raw, and if you think it's about you, it is.

-Niqi
xoxo

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