Thursday, December 31, 2015

New Years Resolutions

It's that time again! I looked over last year's resolutions and now it's time to make some new ones!


  • Reduce binging and purging to once a week 
  • Journal and continue addiction treatment
  • Go to group every week
  • No overdoses

  • Don't let mental illness ruin my relationship
  • Pay back my debts, or at least don't get into more debt

  • Get straight A+ in courses
  • Get a good summer job
  • Present my research at the Canadian Undergraduate Mathematical Conference
  • Write my GRE
And of course.. get to my UGW. 2016 Bring. It. On. 

Lets let this year be the best one yet. 


Last years resolutions

I made a massive list of resolutions last year, and for accountability here they are. The green ones are the ones I was successful at :)


  • Use CBT journal in order to reduce
    • Self harm
    • Binge, purge, fast cycle
    • Overdoses
    • Hospital visits
  • Regular sleep schedule (11:30pm-7am)
  • Journal regularly
  • Don't let caffeine intake get out of control
  • Take care of hair, nails, skin and teeth
  • Take all vitamins every day (regardless of calories)

  • A- average for the term, and ideally pull my total GPA up to an A-
  • Keep up with weekly problem sets
  • Learn to program in Matlab and Python
  • Talk to profs
  • Get a good summer job
  • Run the best Math and Stats society
  • Catch up with courses with summer school

  • Food journal
  • Get a consistent food schedule (up calories rather than get into b/p/fast cycle if necessary)
  • Exercise daily
  • Run my blog and twitter account more regularly
  • Get down to my goal weight

  • Get my drivers licence
  • Read more and watch less netflix
  • Pay off debt to my parents
  • Be more social and go out on weekends
  • Stop being a wimp at gymnastics
  • At least 10 minutes of mindfulness every day. For ex:
    • Yoga
    • Listening to music
    • Lighting candles
    • Stretching
Although I didn't stick to many resolutions, I do believe that I've improved as a person this year. I managed to stay out of the hospital other than the occasional ER visit, I've been better with caffeine, I've been more social, and I haven't overdosed in 8 months!


Monday, December 28, 2015

A new year

A new me?

Well, we all know that's a lie.

But I am working on positive changes. I've made a meal plan for the new year. I'm doing my best to follow it now, but it's tough with the holidays and travelling.

I want to focus more on self care next term. I've already done a very important first step of only talking three instead of five courses next term. But I can't spend my free time wallowing in my depression. I need to start taking self care fucking seriously.

To me this means;
- Going to the gym, not only to work out but to stretch
- Eating healthy and foods that make me feel good
- Taking care of my skin and hair. No more going a week without a shower.

I'm also hoping to get a job shortly, in order to pay back my debts. I admitted all my debts to my parents, and they're helping me pull myself out of the hole that I dug, but it is my responsibility, and duty, to pay them back as soon as I can.

I'm trying to think of some concrete goals to set up, regarding self care and borderline, depression and anxiety recovery. If anyone has any ideas, please comment!! I'm struggling a bit with this.


Sunday, December 27, 2015

Granola bars

Granola bars and I have a complicated relationship. Protein bars are safe, yet granola bars are binge food. But if I'm given just one granola bar, I can eat it without triggering a binge. Oh food.

During exams, I didn't have enough time to cook or make proper meals, and so I was living off of granola bars. I found some safe ones, that were both delicious, and ones I didn't feel obliged to binge on.

These were delicious. The dark chocolate was the perfect amount of sweetness and flavor to satisfy me but not cause me to run for more. I'm also a sucker for anything with coconut!

These granola bars were also magical! They have a distinctive flavor and two bars per package, so I could separate them into two smaller snacks if I wanted too!

Although these aren't granola bars, but fruit bars, they are delicious! Not as great as eating fruit, but so much easier to transport. I love fresh and frozen fruit but they're can be tricky to pack, especially if I need to pack enough for a long day of studying. These were perfect, I could through them into my bag and have something both safe and yummy to munch on while studying.

I hope you're all having a wonderful holiday


Support or enabling?

It's a fine line
I find
Between being supportive
And being enabling.
When does being understanding
Kind, and comforting,
Allow the addict,
To never get clean?

For instance,
Does making me
An egg white omelette
For breakfast
Allow me to enjoy
Food with the family
Or reinforce my
Fear of egg yolks?

What about getting me
A vegetable spaghetti
Maker as one of my
Christmas presents.
Does it make my
Cooking easier
Or reinforce my
Fear of noodles?


Saturday, December 26, 2015

My book

Happy boxing day!

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas, and were able to get through whatever meals and family events you had to face.

I started writing a book about growing up with mental illness. It's a memoir on the first 20 years of my life, and will be released on July 18th 2016, my twentieth birthday. I'm really enjoying writing this, it is a bit of a challenge as well quite liberating.

Here's an excerpt

"They say things get better with time. I’ve learned that things really only get better with effort.

I remember the first time food made me cry. I was five, and my mom had sliced up some apples as part of my snack. I really wasn’t a fan of fruit at this age, and so I ate everything else on my plate. We ended up getting into a fight over me not wanting to eat my apples, I cried and was sent upstairs to finish them. I threw them into the trash and covered them with tissue. My mom found out, washed the apple slices, put them back on my plate and made me eat them." 


Thursday, December 24, 2015

Christmas Dinner

Traditional Christmas dinners are big, full of family members and often full of fear foods.

Common foods are:
Cooked vegetables
Desert (often pie)
Christmas cookies

I do encourage you to challenge yourselves this holiday, if you think you can do so. However, do so safely and do your best to get through your meal and keep it down. Based in the list of common foods, the way I would set up my plate is as follows:

- About half filled with salad.
- An eighth filled with potato
- A quarter filled with cooked veg
- A eighth filled with Turkey (for those non-vegetarians)

This way your plate looks full, and yet is half salad. You get a little taste of (what I consider to be safer foods, feel free to adjust) the traditional meal, without feeling overwhelmed.

There is often so much going on at Christmas that it can be simple to defer attention elsewhere. For instance, if someone offers you food you aren't safe with; a simple "I don't have room on my plate for that right now, I'll come back for seconds" and then saying "I'm stuffed" when it comes to having seconds can help.
Sitting at the kids table can often help as they are much less judgmental when it comes to food. If you're okay with alcohol, having a glass of wine with dinner may help calm those nerves.

When it comes to desert, this is definitely the tricky part. I personally find that I'm safest with pies, as they are loaded with fruit. Asking for a small slice, and if anyone asks, say you ate so much main course that your full. I often find myself getting through dinner all right, and then over eating and purging desert. I'm going to do my best not to do that this year.

When it comes to pushy relatives who tell you that you NEED to try something because they baked it, often saying "I'll try it later" or "In a bit, I just want to let my stomach settle" is a good way to get relatives off your back. In many cases I find that they get distracted with presents, family drama, or politics and don't bother you about it again.

Good luck darlings, I wish you all the Merriest of Christmases.


Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Home: meals 2 and 3

Good afternoon beauties,

This morning went incredibly well, I'm actually quite surprised. My stepdad went to cook breakfast, and I eventually went into the kitchen with the intention of eating some oatmeal and fruit, because I didn't want any omelette, and egg yolks are a bit of a fear food for me. I walked into the kitchen and my stepdad looked up at me and asked if two egg whites were okay. I was honestly so shocked that he thought of that for me. I ended up allowing him to make me an egg white omelette with some cooked onion. He even cooked it with a bit of butter, and I had a mini bun with it. It ended up being less then my normal breakfasts, but contained more fear foods.

We went out this morning, I got my blood work done and went to the library where I colored for an hour. I was pretty hungry when I got home, and had a banana, oatmeal and hot chocolate for lunch, before my mom and siblings sat down to eat, and now I'm hiding away in my room for a bit.

I hope you're all doing okay,


Tuesday, December 22, 2015

I'm home (?)

So I guess I've returned home for the holidays. I don't know what home is anymore though. To be honest I consider my student house more of a home then either my mom's or my dad's house now. I guess that comes with growing up.

I had an awful time getting here, with my bus over selling tickets and traffic, but I made it safely and alive. I got my mom to bring me a snack (of a banana) when she picked me up because I knew arriving at home on an empty stomach was a bad idea.

I got through my first dinner. I had stirfry that my mom made that had oil(!!!!) and white(!!!!) rice, and a source desert yogurt and cookie for desert. I'm about to have a bowl of oatmeal and hot chocolate and then head off to bed.

So far so good. I know at one point real talks will happen about treatment and finances and I'm really really scared.. but so far so good.

Exams are over now so I'll be posting more now, and have lots of posts lined up, including my new plan to reduce bingeing and purging, some granola bars that were life savers, and more of my ranting and poetry!

Merry Christmas Eve Eve Eve.
Lots of love


Friday, December 18, 2015

Let the holidays begin

I'm officially done my exams!! Three of them went quite well, the one I wrote today was pretty brutal though to be honest. However, I managed to only be a little self-destructively impulsive, and I'm now dying my hair lavender! I'm currently on step one, so I'm just stripping it of all it's color.

My boyfriend is over studying statistics because he doesn't finish until Monday, poor kid.

For me the holidays have started. I've done a lot of thinking with my support worker lately, and we talked about celebrating the holidays in terms of what they mean to ME.
To me the holidays are about hot drinks, warm socks and blankets and reading book after book on your reading list. Snowball fights and hot chocolate. Seeing my siblings. Lots and lots of holiday baking.
To my family, the holidays are more focused around the meals. Big Christmas dinner, new years eve dinner, boxing day dinner etc etc.
Just because I will be going home and partaking in those big holiday meals, doesn't mean that I have to make a big deal about them. Yes they will cause anxiety, but there are so many things to look forward to with the holidays that aren't about eating. And I'm going to make the most of those occasions.

Let the holidays begin


Thursday, December 17, 2015

My eating disorder turned me into..

A thief.
A liar.
A fraud.

Someone who I never thought I would be.

Someone who can't live by their morals because they're consumed by these thoughts.

Never did I think I would be someone who would shoplift groceries, lie to my siblings, or pretend to be someone I'm not. But I've become that person. It's not be. I want out.


Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Hold me

They say that
There is always something
Worth fighting for
But they never tell
You how much fight
You should put into it

They say it's possible
But that it will take
All the fight you've got
But how do they know
How much is in you?

I'm trying, I swear I am
But things get tougher
Every day
Every hour
Every minute

The pain seems to grow
With an impending
Sense of doom
More and more
Infect your mind

It won't ever go
No matter how hard
You try
You fight
You scream

So please just hold
Me for tonight
And lie to me and say
That things will be alright


Sunday, December 13, 2015

It doesn't just get better

It doesn't just get better.

Yes, maybe your life does get better. But a better life does not make a better mental health. Depression doesn't just go away because the high school bully isn't around. Your anxiety doesn't cure itself because you don't have to write an other essay. You're still going to struggle. Bad people exist outside of high school. University is tough, and profs are demanding. Money will be tight. Bosses will fire you, profs will fail you, and people will push you down. Just because you've cut mean people out of your life, doesn't mean all their voices will disappear. You're eating disorder will still exist. Your problems will follow you wherever you go. So stop running away, and trying so hard to find that better life. Stop and face your problems. Take a deep breath and dive in. Really figure out who you are - not who you want to be, but who you are. You might have with these problems for the rest of your life, so learn how to really deal with them, not just how to  run away. Learn how to stay safe and tell your boss you can't work when depression locks you to your bed. Learn how to turn down food that you know will trigger a binge/purge session, and get yourself something safe. Learn how to get out of situations that make you so anxious that you want to jump off a cliff. Life gets better. But your mental health doesn't magically get better. We don't all recover. But we can all live. We can all live a life even if we are sick. We can still enjoy sunrises and sunsets and long watch on the beach. We can still be, even when we aren't always okay. But you've got to stop running, and figure out how the hell you're gonna cope.


Friday, December 11, 2015

Mood swings

Today started off
Very very well
I woke up and got dressed
And drank a nice latte.

I went down to school
And wrote my exam
Which I completely aced.

I was on a high
Of success and caffeine
And went to see my
Boyfriend to celebrate.

But then things took a turn
I knew I had to eat
But boy did I not want to.

I forced down lunch,
And a snack and dinner
And tried to study
For my next exam.

But the thoughts took over
Fat stupid ugly worthless
Fat stupid ugly worthless

And now I'm lying
Down in bed
Crying to myself.

Because even when
Things are great
A day is still incredibly
Hard to survive.


Pre exam motivation

You've been studying this for three months.

Not only have you been studying this, you've been learning, stretching your brain, accepting new ideas, and proving the ones you don't believe.

You've done assignment after assignment and wrote two midterms.

You've done this a million times.

You've taken notes and one problems.

You've slept and ate breakfast.

Now there's only one thing left to do.

And that is to go ace this exam.


Thursday, December 10, 2015

Being dependent

They teach you in therapy
To not depend on any one person
For happiness and stability.

They teach you in therapy
That you don't need any one person
In order to live a healthy life.

They teach you in therapy
To not but all your eggs
Into one basket.

What they forget to teach you
Is that you can't put all your faith
Into your therapist either.

It's a strange relationship,
Between a client and a therapist
Because the ultimate goal
Is for the relationship to end.

I've been seeing my therapist
For just over two years
Ever other week.

She recently got into an accident,
She's okay but on leave
And I haven't seen her
In over a month.

It's strange realizing how much
You depended on the person
Who taught you how to
Not depend too much on others.

It's strange using the skills
You've been working on for years
To cope with the lack
Of the one who taught them to you.

It's difficult to not let yourself
Use this as an excuse
To relapse.

The worst time to relapse
Would be when your therapist
Isn't around
But it would be so easy.

It shows how much you've grown
To hold on to the progress you've made
And keep on fighting
Without that external push.

I've got to remember
That at the end of the day
It comes to me,
Not my therapist.

And I can do this.
I will do this.
I have to do this.


Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Last day of classes

I decided, that my personal last day of classes was last Thursday, but I guess today was the real last day of classes.
I've handed in my last two assignments.
One big sigh of relief.
And, one big sigh of oncoming stress.
Exam Friday. Exam Monday, Wednesday Friday.
Then sleep for five hundred years.

I haven't been doing a good job at sticking to my meal plan.
But I did have breakfast and treated myself to a spinach feta wrap at starbucks, which I absolutely LOVE. I'm feeling really guilty, but I needed the fuel and it was yummy.

I also have a job interview tomorrow which I'm psyched for. I need money!


Sunday, December 6, 2015


If I was doing this for a boy,
I would have stopped when the boy who's locker was next to mine asked me out on a date.

If I was doing this for popularity,
I would have stopped when I started losing friends, not gaining them.

If I was doing this for love,
I would have stopped when you hugged me and told me you were proud.

If I was doing this for gymnastics,
I would have stopped when chronic dehydration worsened my performance.

If I was doing this for health,
I would have followed my dietitian's meal plan to the letter. 

If I was doing this for attention,
I would have stopped when I was first admitted to hospital.

If I was doing this for beauty,
I would have stopped when my hair started falling out in chunks.

If I was doing this for any
Other reason than illness
Trust me I would have never
Taken it this far.


Update: Dec 5


So November was rough. I hit a tipping point about half way through the month, and made a plan and wrote a note. I realized what I was doing, took some ativan, and slept. The next morning I brought myself to the psychiatric emergency room where I was basically told that I survived the month so far, so I should keep on doing what I was doing to stay alive. It was quite a waste of six hours. I went back the two days later, in tears, in the midst of a panic attack, asking to be admitted because I knew I wasn't safe. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist booked for later that day, so they ended up discharging me to go see her.

So I saw my psychiatrist and we made some decisions regarding school and medication. I was put on a sleeping pill (Zopiclone I believe), and we made plans to start me on Lamictol once I'm done my exams in order to help stabilize my mood. Sleeping pills are incredible. I've been on them for less than a week and I feel so much better in the morning after not being up all night long tossing and turning. I'm really hoping the Lamictol helps calm down my mood swings. It has been shown to help with Borderline Personality Disorder, and oh goodness has my borderline been acting up lately. (guess who's spent $100 on impulsive food or other purchases on my stepdad's credit card these past couple weeks?)

School wise, I'm going to be slowing down. I'm differing my computing exam to February, which means I only have four over the next two weeks. I'm also only taking three courses next term instead of five, which is super super super scary for me. I've always been the busy over achieving type, and the thought of taking less courses (which also means taking an extra year to finish my undergrad) is terrifying for me. It also means I know need to wait 2.5 years instead of 1.5 years for California and grad school. I am trying to remind myself that it means I get the chance to understand my courses better, really understand abstract math, get more undergraduate research experience, and maybe even enjoy the ride. I just hate changing plans. I already changed my specialization a month ago and it just seems like all my university plans are changing and we all know I'm not a big fan of change.

I'm trying hard to beat this season affective disorder. God I hate winter. I have my sun light that I use every morning, I do try to get outside a bit, and I'm going to start taking vitamin D supplements, which will hopefully help my mood as well as my bone health.

I should go back to studying, I hope you all have a wonderful Sunday!


Saturday, December 5, 2015


I have an obsession with ballerinas. The type of obsession six year old girls have as they run around in tutus.

It turns into a much darker obsession as a nineteen year old then. I know how fucked the dance world is. I consider the gymnastics world to be worse than the dance world in general, but the ballet world is whole new world. I can only imagine how much worse my exercise obsession, self harm and eating disorder would be if I was in ballet.

It's just so beautiful. It's what I consider to be the ideal athlete. As a gymnast, I feel somewhat guilty saying this, but I've always loved the lean dance like gymnasts. Beautifully muscular, inner grace and power, and most of all; discipline and perfection.


Friday, December 4, 2015

Exam meal plan

I like structure. Structure and control get me through stressful times. So, I need a plan to get through exams. Here goes:

8am: latte with 1cup of milk

11am: 1/3 cup bbq seasoned peanuts or 2/3 cup dried cranberries

2pm: 1/2 cup oatmeal with 1tbsp protein powder

5pm: soup and either lentils, beans or chick peas

8pm: Protein bar

Extra lattes are okay, because lattes fuel the brain, and the brain fuels smartness and exam success!!


December 4th

Oh exam season.

Always a tough time. I've decided to post daily over the next couple weeks, to share ways I'm coping, let it out when I'm not and get through every day.

Today was my first day with no class. I was supposed to study.

Guess what I did instead?
Slept, binged and purged. Well, fuck.

I'm going out tonight. And you know what? I deserve it. Even though I did nothing today, going out and being social is okay. Having fun is okay.

I know I'll have to study extra tomorrow which sucks, but hey, I gotta do what I gotta do.

I'm setting up a meal plan for the next couple weeks to help me cope with the exam craziness, I'll publish it in a different post. I can do it.

I wrote myself a note in class yesterday, as I was trying to get through one of my last classes of the term. I think it is very relevant and decided to share:
"You have time.
If `nothing else remember
There is still time
There is always `more time
Things will be okay
They always work out in the end."


Thursday, December 3, 2015

December goals

I wish I could say I had really positive goals for this month... That I was going to achieve everything I didn't get around to yet this year.

But honestly, I'm just tired.

I need to ace my exams. Eat enough to keep me going, but not enough to cause too much self hatred. And then prepare to face my family.

I don't want to be sick anymore.

I just want things to be okay.

Why do they never seem to be okay?

I decided to only take three courses next term. And I hate myself for it. But I know it's the right thing to do.

Maybe that will be my goal this month. Accept where I'm at. Let myself be okay with only taking a three courses next year, and don't push ridiculous expectations on myself for exams. Let myself just be.

I'm tired. 
The tired sleep can't fix. 
The tired that creates permanent under eye bags. 

I'm stressed. 
The stressed that never ends. 
The stressed that causes heart attacks high blood pressure. 

I'm sad. 
The sad that causes death.
The sad the makes it impossible to cry. 

I just want to rest
To sleep, to breathe to be


Saturday, November 28, 2015

My therapist

My therapist went on an unexpected leave.
This isn't a huge deal, I go to the student wellness center on campus, and my therapist is free. There are also about a dozen therapists that work there.
However, when the receptionist calls me to cancel my appointment there are two things that I wasn't expecting:

1 - They rebooked my appointment for a month now... as if I would be perfectly fine going 6-8 weeks without seeing my therapist. Additionally, they did not give me any other options, such as seeing someone else. That was it.

2 - They told me she got into an accident, and then gave me no other information. Why in the world would you tell a patient, who is seeing someone for an anxiety disorder, that their therapist got into an accident?

You would think that they would be smarter than this.

I have no idea what happened to my therapist, and she's been off for three weeks now. I'm so stressed over whether or not she's okay, and I can't not have therapy as we head into exams...

Back to studying now.


Sunday, November 22, 2015

Low weight

I've hit my low weight twice. Once in the August of 2014, and once in the late winter of this year. 

The last time I hit this weight it was after a 48 hour stomach bug. I was starving, barely eating, in cold sweats, and I couldn't even keep a glass of water down, as I had gotten the worst of that years stomach flu. 

My weight has lowering lately, and I can't say I'm upset. I keep on hoping I'll get down to my low weight again (and lower..). 

But it's strange. Last time I was there I was very very ill physically. It just goes to show how warped my mind is. I want so badly to be at that weight. Even though that weight has only been achieved in the past year and a half when I've been very sick. How fucked is that? 


Saturday, November 21, 2015

'Tis the season

I think I'm the most stereotypical white girl right now.

I'm sitting at the starbucks in chapters, with my yoga pants and knitted sweater, typing away on my blog and reflecting on my year.

It's crazy to think that there is just over a month left to the year. It's also crazy to think of how far I've come since the beginning of the year.

I just picked up my boyfriend's Christmas present, and bought myself a new hat.

The seasonal depression has hit hard, and I'm trying my best to fight it. The past few days have been extremely rough but I seem to be picking up the pieces of myself. I got dressed today and went out to study at the coffee shop with my friend, then played with her rats, then did some errands. Which is much better then the past two days I've spent sleeping.

I'm heading home now to have a nice warm bath and then watch elf while cleaning and decorating my room, as well as setting up my exam calendar.

I'm so incredibly thankful for the break off of school that my doctor gave me. I really didn't realize how much my mental health was deteriorating until I wrote my note Wednesday night. And I'm so glad I didn't act on it, because the world is beautiful, and there are things out there that I still want to discover.

I hope you're all having a lovely weekend.


What keeps you alive?

November has been quite a tough month for me, and this all accumulated Wednesday evening when I wrote my suicide note and made a plan.

I managed to get myself to sleep that evening, and got myself to the my doctor's Thursday morning. 

She asked me to give her reasons as to why I want to stay alive. I didn't have an answer. Or, I did, but it seemed so unrelated to my current mood. 

I didn't want to die. 

I just wanted a break. For the voices in my head to stop. For the constant self-deprecation and hatred to stop. For the pressure, the mountain of school work, the expectations to stop. 

I just wanted a rest. 

I wanted to hit pause. 

To sleep for a week and not think about rent, and school and life. 

To just breathe. 

So what got me through? Well apart from the lovely note from my doctor excusing me from school for the next few days, it was faith. 

Having faith that there is always more time. Not everything needs to be done right now. Things will work out. Maybe not ideally, maybe not the way I had planned, but it will work out. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, it could just be a very very long tunnel, with lots of bends. 

But things will be okay. 

There is always time. 


Wednesday, November 18, 2015

This is a sappy love poem

I used to think
That to be happy
I need to be thin
And in control
But that was
Before I met you

I used to think
That to achieve
Success in life
I had to be alone
But that was
Before I met you

I used to think
That women with
Ambition couldn't
Fall in love
But that was
Before I met you

Now I've met you
And realized
I can be happy
In your arms

Now I've met you
And realized
That you can encourage
Me to succeed

Now I've met you
And realized
That true love doesn't
Take away ambition

Apparently realizing all of this means I'm in a healthy relationship. It's been five months and I'm still surprised that relationships like this are possible.


Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Back on track

Slipping is easy
You just let go
Give in and allow
Urges to take over.

But getting back
Is difficult
Its like trying to run
Up a steep hill of ice.

It's easy to trick
Yourself into thinking
You can slip up once
And then be okay.

Be it never works
That way, now does it?
One turns to two
To three to four.

And then next thing you know
You're waking up solely
To give in to your
Dirty little secret.

You sleep through the day
And through all your classes
To stay up all night
And give in to addictions.

But it's time now to climb
Out of that hole
Of deep deep darkness
That has possessed you.


Sunday, November 15, 2015

All about that BOOST

As a de-stresser/procrastination method today, I changed the lyrics to all about that bass by Meghan Trainor, so it's about EDs.
Sorry for my voice but I hope you all enjoy!

(If you haven't read my rant, or want to re-live the Meghan Trainor drama, here is the link to my rant)

Good night!


Lazy or depressed?

Sometimes I don't know what to think.
I know I need to take care of myself, and sometimes waking up in the morning is the hardest thing for me.
And sometimes I need to allow myself to take a break. Take a day off. Allow myself to rest. Take time to self soothe, and just be.
But sometimes I'm just procrastinating. And how do I differentiate?
Is my depression taking over? Or do I just not like studying numerical analysis?

Either way, I need to study. There's no way around that. I need to bump my grades up so I can get hired over the summer.


Saturday, November 14, 2015


I'm so broke this is ridiculous.

This disorder took away my body, my relationships and my mind. But now its also taken away my money.

I'm lucky to have a family that supports me. But I feel like crap having to depend on them.

We're half way through November and I don't know how I'm going to pay for December's rent.

I wish it was as easy as just saving money. But I just spend it all feeding this terrible sickness.


Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Life or death

I hate borderline.
I hate having the illness, I hate what it makes me do to myself, what it makes me do to others, and that others have to suffer in a similar way as I do.

Some people don't think that the illness is properly named. In fact, it is slowly being changed to emotional unstable personality disorder.
But it's more than that.
It's being ready to conquer life, take the world by storm and ace all your classes one minute, and writing your suicide letter the next.
It's deciding that you look hot as fuck in your dress, and shoving three fingers down your throat five minutes later because you ate an extra jelly bean.
It's being ready to recover and admit you need help, only to cancel all your appointments a day later.

It's hell.
It's pure fucking hell.

I haven't been to classes since last Thursday. It's Wednesday.
I don't know if I'm going to go today. I don't want to go because I don't want to see my prof after skipping class Monday. I want this prof to hire me.
How fucked is that.

I see my therapist today. I want to tell her that I was ready to die on Monday, but I feel good today. I feel like I got a grasp of things. I was binging 12 hrs ago but I feel as though that life is behind me. I've felt like this before. It never lasts. But my mind is playing games on me and I genuinely feel like this time will be different.

I spoke to one of my best friends for two hours this morning. And that's what swung my mood around. Do I really have a problem if talking to someone for two hours can make me feel okay?

I know I'm struggling but I don't want to admit that.

I'm in denial about being in denial.


Monday, November 9, 2015


I spend most of my life
Making myself puke
Starving myself
Hurting myself
Or torturing myself.

But when it's a virus
Or a bacteria
That takes control
I lose all strength
I ever had.

You'd think a bulimic
Could handle the stomach flu
And that a self harmer
Could deal with pain
But that's all inflicted
By my own hand
And that's what makes
All of the difference.


Sunday, November 8, 2015

"You don't think in depression that you've put on a gray veil and are seeing the world through the haze of a bad mood. You think that the veil has been taken away, the veil of happiness, and that now you're seeing truly."
-Andrew Solomon

This quote was part of a Ted Talk I was watching, and it struck me a little. I was going to tweet it but it was way too many characters.

I don't have much to say about it right now, but it's making me think and I wanted to share.

I hope you're all having a good night, and that you aren't too stressed about the coming week.


Trigger Warning

This article was posted by a friend of mine on facebook.

Here was my response:

She does have some valid points. But takes it way way way too far. Firstly, placing a trigger warning on articles that go into deep detail about how much weight someone lost while fighting an eating disorder, a video that is graphic about sexual assault, or images of self harm scars is not a problem. Yes the real life exists. This isn't a hospital where bathroom doors are locked after meals, and your scars must be covered. You might walk down the street and see someone who's underweight talking about her strict eating rules or how many times she purged. You might see people naked. You might see someone with scars.I don't consider the real world to be what you read or the images you see though. Yes there are lots of triggers in the real world. So what's the harm in warning students about trigger warnings in books or movies? Part of the reason it's called a trigger WARNING is because it is a WARNING. It doesn't say run away and hide and don't look at this. It might mean, you'll want to discuss this with your therapist after, or it could mean only read it when you're in a good mood. 
Yes the real world can suck and yes it can be hell. And I've adapted. I've been out of the hospital for over a year and am capable of handling my triggers not completely terribly. But I was in and out four times. When do you decide that someone needs to go back in the real world because being in a hospital for too long causes harm. And I'm sorry, you can't tell people they need to be in the hospital when I know of patients in tears begging for help and being told there aren't enough beds. 
I personally, really appreciate trigger warnings. If I see someone with scars walking down the street I don't run home and hurt myself. I often talk to the person. But seeing a picture of a fresh cut, with an article discussing the ways someone self harmed just isn't what I need to see. If I see someone who is quite underweight I don't starve myself right away. But if there's an article that goes on about how many calories they were eating every day and what their lowest weight was I don't need to read it. Because those things might trigger me. Yes I get triggered quite a bit. No I don't need to be in a hospital. 
I'm not avoiding recovery or life by not reading these articles. Part of recovery is accepting what is good and what isn't good for you. Putting yourself in less situation that causes distress is part of getting better. Yes, you need to be challenged and somethings do need to be faced, but that is a long and slow process done at the out patient level. Let people choose when they're ready to read certain things.

- Niqi

October reflexions

I made some goals at the beginning of October, and goal setting is pretty useless if you don't take the time to look back on them.

Here were my goals:

  • enjoy my reading week, and get caught up on readings. 
    • I actually did a pretty good job with this. I didn't do all the readings I wanted to, but I enjoyed myself and got some stuff done.
  • b/p every other day at most
    • I had 9 days where I didn't b/p, which is almost 30% success. Realistically, 50% was a very difficult goal for me and I'm proud of the progress I did make.
  • Lose 10 lbs. 
    • lol. Not even close. I lost four.
  • Spend at least 15 minutes practicing some form of mindulness
    • This started off very well but as school got busy this lost priority. I do need to pick this back up.
  • Practice DBT skills every day. 
    • Same as the mindfulness. It was going well when school wasn't too busy, but now I'm swamped and haven't been trying as hard as I should have.
  • Continue to put effort into social events.
    • Yep! I went out several times, and have been spending more time with friends.
  • Stop self harming.
    • I'm now over a month clean!!
  • Stop lax abuse.
    • I'm also now over a month clean!!


Friday, November 6, 2015

It's like there's two of me

It's like there's two of me
Trapped inside my head
The part that wants to be free
And the part that wants to be dead

I have to soothe
Both sides at once
For if I don't
A war erupts

And so I sit
And study hard
Then scratch the skin
Off of myself

I go for runs
Out in the woods
But my brain can't escape
The cell of my skull

I fill myself
With nutrients
But rid them all
To feel emptiness

You'd think I could choose
Between life and death
But I'm stuck in this land
Of suspended thought

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

How to save a life

Over the past
Year or so,
My set point weight
Has gone up
Almost 10 pounds.

I know that it's muscle
And I know I'm not fat
But my disordered voice
Has been yelling.

I'm still hovering
In the grey land
Relapse and

I still want
To lose this weight
Get down to my goal
No matter how much
Muscle I lose.

But I also know
I'm a better gymnast
Than I was last year
And I have my body
To thank for that.

I realized that now
I meet the height
And weight requirements
Necessary to give blood.

So I spent some time
Sitting in a chair
With a needle in my arm
Donating blood
To save a life.

It was quite tough
On my body as I
Am quite small to
Begin with
But I filled my bag
With blood which
Happens to be
The universal donor.

So maybe I've gained,
And yes it makes me upset
But next time an unknown patient
Needs a unit of blood
I'll have helped
Saved their life.


Monday, November 2, 2015

Trauma flashbacks

I don't talk very much about my BPD, and some of what lead to me developing this illness.

I decided to post about it a little today. I had some very disturbing trauma flashback dreams last night, and I'm hoping that maybe this helps me work through it.

As a child I suffered complex trauma. Complex trauma, as supposed to other trauma, is when an individual is subject to a traumatic situation over a long period of time. It often occurs to children, and thus affects their development. Examples of complex trauma include living in an unsafe environment, constant moving, regular physical or emotional abuse or neglect.

I didn't go through anything like that as a child, and often feel guilty for even saying I went through trauma in my life, because I feel as though I'm over reacting, or trying to make others feel bad for me when I say I suffered trauma. However, whatever I call it, I did go through some quite difficult things as a child.

I moved quite a bit as a child, and my parents got divorced when I was quite young. When I was about six, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. He spent many many months going through a variety of treatments, including radiation therapy and chemo. While he was in treatment, he met a lovely woman, and fell in love. Cindy had breast cancer.

I spent a lot of the next couple years of my life in the hospital with my dad and Cindy. My dad got better relatively quickly, and had the energy to be my dad. However, Cindy didn't. She was often admitted to hospital, and even when she was home, she was often stuck in her bed. I really liked Cindy. Many children of divorce struggle to connect with their parents' new partners, and I did have a hard time connecting to my step father. However, Cindy and I clicked. We had very similar interests, she was quite outgoing, and truly believed in me.

Shortly before I turned eight, my dad and Cindy got married. It was a beautiful ceremony. Cindy's cancer was causing blood flow out of her arm to be cut off, so her right arm was quite swollen. They wrapped it up beautifully with white fabric that matched her dress, she wore a curly dirty blonde wig, and looked like a princess. When I left my dad near the end of the summer to go back to my mom's (where I lived during the year), Cindy was doing better. We all had hope.

Unfortunately, I got a phone call about a month later, with my dad telling me he had bad news. He had this voice and my heart sunk. I immediately knew it was bad news. I had this feeling that she had died, but I didn't want to say anything. After he told me, I tried to pretend it wasn't true. I told my dad some good news that I had. But it came back to her. I asked what had happened, and got factual responses. She had died in her bed.

Dealing with this at eight years old, when you don't fully understand, is quite difficult. It was never really talked about afterwards. I went back to school in September, and never went to the funeral. It was quite far away, and my parents were worried it would be too much.

I don't blame my mom and dad for how they dealt with the situation. How do you talk to your eight year old daughter about how your wife had a terrible illness and had died. That you had the same illness (however a different type), and could have died as well, however was lucky enough to survive? Cindy was in my life, and then all of a sudden, she was no longer in my life. That chapter was over, and rarely spoken about. I didn't see a grief counselor, or really talked to anyone about it. It was just something that had happened.

Those couple years of my life really affected who I am as a person today. In many ways, it has made me wiser, however it has definitely hurt me in other ways.

I guess the reason I'm sharing this today, is because I had some really bad dreams last night. Dreams of my dad's cancer re-occurring, even though he's been clean for so long that it would be a new cancer if he did develop cancer again. Cindy struggling for air while connected to oxygen tubes. They were such bright images, and I haven't had those dreams in quite some time. I'm taking today to myself, but really struggling with lots of negative and destructive thoughts today.

I really hope that you're all having a better Monday than I am,


Friday, October 23, 2015

I think some
Of the worst days
Are when everything
Is going well
But your still
On your bed
To die.

Others tell us
We have no reason
To be sad, upset,
Or discouraged.
No one comes
To give us hug.

They're secretively
Happy we've reached
Our tipping point
Hoping that maybe
They can steal
Our crown.

I'd give them
My crown
If it meant that
Just for a moment
I could
Be happy.


Monday, October 19, 2015


Politics make me so angry. Sometimes I just want to slap some sense into everyone around me.

But hey, we got Liberal government, and it's looking like it will be a majority! Finally, we got rid of Harper.

I'm really hoping for some positive change. Lowering the costs of prescription meds, legalizing weed and hopefully undoing some of the damage Harper has done.

I'm not going to lie, I'm mostly relieved. I need to sleep, but if I wake up to a majority I'll be happy.


Sunday, October 18, 2015

Twitter drama

I know most of you have come to this blog because I tweet the link about a hundred times a day.

For those of you who have found me through the twitter world, are most likely aware of the drama going on regarding the skinny4xmas competition.

Personally I am 100% opposed to this. However, this does not mean that I personally attack, or hate anyone who is partaking. In fact, one of my best friends is participating, and I would love for her to get well and recover, but she's not there right now and all I can do is be there for her.

This competition involves serious calorie restricting as well as over exercising. There are lots of similar 'diet' plans out there. I don't think plans like this should be promoted at all, and I don't think anyone should follow them, but I also know that we live in a fucked up world, and eating disorders are real, thus causing people to engage in dangerous activity.

Here is my real problem with this competition.

1. It's a competition. Honestly? What the fuck. Eating disorders are not competitions. They are not games. This isn't a weight loss challenge - this is promoting eating disorders, normalizing the behavior and making compete against one another in order to be the sickest. Which is absolutely disgusting.

2. They tie Christmas into it. Christmas is really hard for me. I go visit my parents, there's lots of food, I have several break downs over the food, and my parents witness how sick I truly am. Christmas used to be a time where I would bake batch after batch of cookies, and make a lovely quiche for all the other vegetarians. We'd sing carols, and open presents and try to steal each other's chocolate oranges. I don't want to be sick at Christmas. I wish I could be magically recovered for Christmas. I want to be able to eat what I want without caring. I want to be able to go home and not see my mom cry because I've lost weight, or be so uncomfortable with myself because I gained from binging.

Anyhow, that was more than 140 characters, so I couldn't tweet my opinion, and I wanted to get that off my chest. I am now going to do my best to stay away from all that drama, because it brings up a lot of anger in me and I don't need that in my life.


Counting down

I used to count up
Up by ones, twos and threes
Until I got to a hundred.
Then I got good at it,
So my dad would time me
And I’d count up by twos or threes
As fast as I could.

I guess I was counting up
But the time on the stopwatch
Was going down
Where each lower number
Was me getting better

And I guess that was
The start of the descent
When something in my mind turned
And I realized that lower was better

I’ve been a gymnast
Since a wee little girl
And after every routine
My coach would yell out
How many deduction
Points she took off

No need to say,
I learned very quickly
To rejoice at small numbers
And grin ear to ear
Every time she got close
To saying zero.

My math teacher would always
Push me because she knew
I was smart
And I guess I should be thankful
Because I got into university
And I’ll one day get a job
But I can’t help but resent her
And every time I make
A mistake or two
I hear her voice
Telling me I could have done better

Once the point
In being almost perfect
When you have the potential
To truly be perfect.

As life went on
Everything became a race
Because the less time it takes
The more people cheer
And the less help you need
The more people smile
And the less of a voice
The more people are nice
So I kept on counting
Down down and down

I got to a point so numb
I couldn’t think or breathe or move
So I stepped on a glass slate
The number was high and
I’m supposed to be less

I sometimes need time
And I sometimes need help
And I sometimes need my voice
But this I could control
This I didn’t need
This would be the way
That I would count down.


Saturday, October 17, 2015

No scale

I'm up spending some time at my dad's
Which I haven't done in almost a year
As I've been to sick
To come home and not relapse
Back to the very very bad times
When I was purging at least
Three times a day

Rachel Platten's fight song comes to mind

"Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep, say I'm in too deep
It's been two years I miss my home
There's a fire burning in my soul
Still believe, ya I still believe"

As this accurately represents
The last year of my life.

As I was packing to leave
I packed and unpacked my scale
About five hundred times
Oh goodness did I want to bring my scale
But it's heavy, and takes up room
And is it really that necessary?

I should be able to go four days
Without stepping on a piece of glass
Which I let measure my worth.
However, I'm finding it
Increasingly difficult to eat
And follow my plan every day

The voices in my head
Are getting louder and louder
And I'm scared of what the glass slate
Will tell me when I get back home

How will it punish me for not abiding
By it's ridiculous rules
Of stripping every time
I use the washroom to see
How my weight changed
Every time I had to pee.

It's a bit freeing to live
Without this slate in my bathroom,
But my brain is going crazy
Because once I get back,
Vacation is over
And I become
A slave
Once again


Thursday, October 15, 2015


I've always been one to prefer purging in the shower.
I would purge, then wash up, and then start my day 'fresh'.
Of course, by 'fresh' I mean dehydrated, tired and sore.
But either way, it's how I functioned.

I've been purging less lately.
So I got into the shower today and had food in my stomach from last night.
I got ready to purge, and then realized that I didn't binge last night or this morning, and that I didn't need to purge.
I honestly got a bit confused.

I'm so used to purging, then cleaning myself as fast as possible to not collapse in the shower,
Glamorous, right?
So I got in the shower this morning, and shaved, and cleaned myself.
I actually got to enjoy the hot water hitting my body, and did a proper shampooing and conditioning.

It sometimes hits me, how much my eating disorder has taken away from me.
When I go to eat a slice of pizza (which I did two days ago without purging!!), and realize I forgot how to eat it without picking it apart, I realize how sick I am.

But today I realized, that not only has my eating disorder has taken away my ability to feed myself properly, it has also taken away my ability to enjoy showering and feeling nice and clean.


Monday, October 12, 2015

Pumpkin spice

I had pumpkin spice in my coffee today. I thought I should jump on the whole thanksgiving pumpkin spice bandwagon. It was okay. Not great. I'm much more of a cinnamon or hazelnut coffee kind of girl.

I didn't take my antacids today because I binged and purged all morning. I was tasting pumpkin spice all throughout gymnastics practice. I feel stuffed because I worked hard to get all my calories over snacks and dinner. It was quite an odd dinner to be honest - raspberries, a frozen vanilla ensure, a pumpkin scone (I may not be a fan of pumpkin coffee, but I love pumpkin baked goods!) and coffee.

Ugh I suppose that I'm plugging away though. Things are tough. But I'm tougher.


Sunday, October 11, 2015


About a year ago, I found a post on tumblr (you can check it out here), where I girl wrote different things people had said to her on pill bottles. She was bullied as a child, and wrote the things that triggered her mental illness and caused her take medication for her mental illness.

I was really inspired by this, so over the past year I've been collecting my anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication bottles wanting to make a similar piece.

Personally, I have not been a victim of a lot of bullying. When I came out about my mental illness is when I started finding that people would judge me and started thinking lower of me. I sat down yesterday deciding that World Mental Health Day was a good day to start my piece. I started writing some of the things people have said to me since I started being honest about my mental illness. It shocked me how upset working on this made me, and how quickly I was able to come up with enough things that people have told me.

Here is the finished product:

All of these things have been said about me - either to my face or indirectly, with reference to my mental illnesses.

I am very lucky to have an amazing support system, that is extremely understanding and helpful. However, there will always be people who don't understand. Who will say mean things. Who will judge you based on what a doctor wrote on your medical chart. All I can do is hope that the stigma continues to lessen, so that I don't feel as though I should be ashamed over things I don't have control over.


Saturday, October 10, 2015

I have no social worker

I mentioned this briefly in my lost post... but I wanted to explain what happened. It's world mental health day, and people need to realize how bad the mental health system can be at times.

As you know, I suffer from borderline personality disorder, bulimia, anxiety and depression. I realize that this combination is hard to treat. However, I go to all my appointments and group. I'm highly functioning. I do try, even if I don't believe something is going to help. I am willing to give it a go.

I saw my social worker yesterday. I was in a bad mood because when I was having a rough weekend, I didn't feel as though she handled it very well, and she also told me that it wasn't looking like the ED program at my hospital would take me.

But we went through the session, we worked on my DBT skills. I have a really hard time doing chain analysis for my binging and purging, because it just seems to be something I do that is so routine that I couldn't break it down. It's also not something I'm ready to fully give up yet.

At the end of our session she told me I didn't have to see her anymore if I didn't want to. She said she didn't think that our sessions were particularly helpful, and if I wasn't finding them beneficial I shouldn't continue seeing her. She pressed on this idea a lot and asked me why I was seeing her. I said because I wanted to work on my body image and relationships. She asked me how. Well I don't know.. that's why I seek professional help. You're supposed to have ideas on what we can do.

It really seemed as though she was trying to get rid of me because I don't know how to help myself and I didn't have enough goals that we could work on. She said she didn't know what we should do in our sessions to help me, and so there wasn't much point in me seeing her.

Long story short, I no longer have a social worker.

There's just so much going on in my brain I don't know how to sort it out and make sense of my life and get to a better place. Clearly she doesn't know how to deal with me either.

Part of me is relieved that I have one less appointment to go to every week. But that also means one less support. God I'm frustrated.


Damn hospital

I've been trying on and off to get into the outpatient eating disorder clinic at my local hospital. The problem is, they don't take patients with concurrent behaviors, such as suicidal behaviors/threats, self harm, or substance abuse.

I have greatly reduced my self harm over the past year, and haven't attempted suicide in over a year.

However, my case was used as a case study at a meeting the hospital recently had with the youth wellness team in my city. They basically said that they couldn't take a case like mine, because of the risk of slipping back into suicidal behaviors or self harm.

I'm debating whether or not I should call the intake nurse and ask for an intake appointment. I mean I could lie.... Then I'd have a chance at getting in. But they don't seem to want me. Will they really be able to treat me if this is the case?  I'm honestly so angry right now, I want nothing to do with them. My anger is irrational and has been controlling me for the past couple days.. but really? I'm too sick for help? Wow, thanks.

I'm honestly so ridiculously fed up with our mental health system. My options are very limited in terms of treatment because I refuse to take a break from school. Why am I being punished for this? I'm a highly functional sick person, and thus they don't care as much? This seems ridiculous.

I want to get treatment from you. I am working on my self harm and suicidal behaviors additionally in a DBT group. But I can't get more intensive treatment because then I have to leave school and gymnastics. I don't think that being dedicated to school and gymnastics is problematic. It shows that I have reasons to get better, things in my life that will improve if I get well. So why is this an issue? I don't understand... I get told I'm resisting treatment, when really I just want to be able to get treatment while attending school.

Now, when my social worker told me this news, I was obviously quite upset, so the rest of our session didn't go over quite well. She made it pretty clear, that she didn't think I was ready to make any changes in my life, and that she didn't want to work with me anymore, so I won't be working with a social worker anymore. Thankfully I still have my therapist, doctor and DBT group, and I love them all, because it seems as though everyone else is turning me away.

The good news is that I'm on day four of no binging or purging! I don't know if DBT is helping, or if my stomach pain on Monday scared me into having to change.. but I'll take it. It's very strange eating so much and keeping it down though... I don't want to give up binging or purging, but I need to reduce it drastically while in school, because the rate at which my body has been falling apart will not allow me to continue being in school or gymnastics... and those are my two reasons too live.

I hope all you Canadians have a great Thanksgiving weekend! I'll be posting my thanksgiving meal on Monday!

(Also, my exciting news comes out tomorrow, so stay tuned!)


Thursday, October 8, 2015

No more purging

I did it yesterday. At around 1350 though. It feels so so strange to eat that much. It shouldn't, yet it does.

Turns out that my stomach pain was at least partly caused by my period making a surprise viewing today. Which is a nice relief, but it would be nice if my period could be regular.

Today is tough. I had two midterms today. All I want to do is eat a dozen donuts and some buttery salty pasta and purge. Ugh. I'm going to go pick up a clif bar and I'm drinking lots of Chai tea.

The good news is, all my responsibilities for the week are over. I can take a slight break from school work, breathe, and then get caught up over my reading week.

Alright, off to pick up a snack. That will help. I am stronger than my bulimia. I won't purge.


Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Side effects may vary

When you struggle with an Eating Disorder
The physical side effects
Such as hair loss and weight fluctuations,
Anxiety and depression,
Digestion and heart problems
Are always a threat.

I guess you could say I was lucky,
I was mostly side effect-free
For the first four years of my disorder,
However, I have seen a rapid decline
In my physical and mental health,
Over the past two years.

I always knew my bulimia could kill me,
I always knew that the physical symptoms
Would only get worse,
And that my brain needs food
To recover from other mental illnesses.

However, I've never really been
Scared of what dying.
It may be morbid, bit it's true.
I've always embraced the fact that we have
A finite time here on Earth.

Today it hit me though,
How fast death was approaching
I was no longer walking towards it
At a relatively typical pace
But I was barreling towards it
Barely stopping to breath.

And when I do stop to breath,
Death approaches me,
Because when I'm not starving
I'm binging and purging,
And both evils bring me
Closer to death.

I realized today,
As I was crippled in stomach pain
Lying in bed unable to go to class
That I may not even
Get the chance to finish
My undergraduate degree.

I've had plans of pursuing
Higher and higher education
And spending my entire life learning,
Doing research as a professor,
But I may not live that long,
Or be too sick to be in school.

I already have three to five
Appointments every week.
Different doctors and counselors
Trying to adjust my body and brain,
To give me more time
And hope that it's worth it.

I need to stop.
I can't keep on binging and purging
Like I am at the moment.
I can't starve myself until I binge.
Because at this rate,
I'll be in the hospital
By next summer.

I'm not ready to give it up
But I need to fight a bit more
So I made myself a deal.

I will not purge on October 7th.
Or October 8th, 9th, or 10th.
In fact, today I had my last purge
Of the month of October.

I'm terrified.
Terrified I'll binge and gain.
Terrified I won't know how to function.
But I can't spend the rest
Of the month with my head
In the toilet.

I am also insisting
That I eat at least
Eight hundred calories
Every day.

I know it's not a lot,
In fact it's nowhere close
To enough, however:
I need to start somewhere.
And this is where my
Path begins.


Monday, October 5, 2015

Binge cravings

Why is it so hard.

All I want to do is binge and purge.

I can imagine placing the food in my mouth.

A sweet cupcake with creamy icing.
Buttery noodles with melted cheese.
Peanut butter-nutella-banana sandwiches.
Donuts filled with custard.
Garlic bread.
Milk shakes.
Ice cream.
Grilled cheese.

I want this so badly.

But I can't. I must break this cycle. It's been four days in a row, and I had three sessions yesterday.

I'm also ridiculously broke because of all this binging and purging. Food isn't cheap. Even when you buy it on clearance. It adds up when you go through it at the rate I do.


Sunday, October 4, 2015

Binge shopping

There's this feeling that I think only bulimics may understand. It happens when you finally give in to those binge urges that have been haunting you for the past few minutes, hours or days. Those thoughts that keep telling you that you need donuts, a pizza or a cake. That voice that tells you that it will leave you alone if you just binge and purge. You get this rush as you walk to the grocery store, and it intensifies as you get to your favorite aisle. If your favorite food is on sale, it's almost too much excitement to bear. And that feeling when you take the first bite, of the food you'd been longing for, that taste you've been aching for.

I wish the feeling wasn't as good.

Maybe then it would be easier to stop.


Friday, October 2, 2015


When I was young
I was always told
To question everything
To look at everything
From both sides

I questioned why
People tried to kill
But was never able
To come up
With an answer

I wish it could
Have stayed this
But unfortunately I found
My answer.

When you start
To question everything
You eventually question
Your life itself.

Why are we here?
Is there a purpose?
The universe is so vast,
how can we
mean anything at all?

I was told this was just
An existential crisis,
And part of growing up,
It would pass, I just needed
To stop questioning life so much.

That's not how I was raised.
I was raised to find answers
And to be logical with my actions
And I'm struggling to find the answer
To why I must stay alive.


Thursday, October 1, 2015

Hello October

October decided to great me with a super super busy day.

Days like this need excessive planning.

And now it's time to push through, and go rock this day. Yay for coffee!!


Wednesday, September 30, 2015

October goals

  • enjoy my reading week, and get caught up on readings
  • b/p every other day at most
  • lose 10 lbs
  • spend at least 15 minutes practicing some form of mindfulness
  • practice DBT skills every day
  • continue to put effort into social events
  • stop self harming
  • stop laxative use

I can do this. 



I hate generalizing about nurses, because some nurses I have had, have given me a reason to live, have convinced me to eat or not purge, and really helped me during impulsive times, as well as times of distress.

One of my best friend's is a nurse, and she's fabulous. I can't imagine her ever being mean to anyone.

But I've had a few nurses that just seemed so uneducated on mental illnesses, that have triggered me or encouraged me to engage in behaviors.

Yesterday, I had a particularly bad nurse.
Those who have seen me in person know I'm a relatively small person. Most people underestimate my weight because I have a high muscle percentage. I'm not trying to sound stuck up or anything, and I feel fat a lot, but logically, I know that my BMI is at the low end of normal, and that others don't see me that way.

So I was getting my EKG, and already super uncomfortable with the idea of telling the nurse my weight, because I was very close to my high weight and my body image was pretty terrible. I started by telling her my height in centimeters, and she thought that was my weight. My height in cm is a solid 40lbs more than my weight in pounds.

This really triggered me because having someone think you way more than you do really doesn't help one's body image, especially when they are off by so much.

But it didn't end there. I was almost crying when I finally told her (who was being very impatient) my weight. She then left the room so I could get undressed and ready for my EKG. When she walked back into the room (she thankfully closed the door first) but repeated my weight really loudly, and converted it to kilograms out loud. Having my weight (which seemed really high to me in pounds) be converted to kg, really highlighted how much more I weighed than I usually do.

She was very unsympathetic to my discomfort, and seemed to ignore my distress.

Even if she wasn't trained in mental health, I still would expect her to be a compassionate person, and when someone is about to cry, ask if they're okay. It's not like I hide my emotions well when I'm that upset either...

Rant of the day is over, thankfully I'm feeling much more positive about my body today than I was last night.


Tuesday, September 29, 2015

tragically purple

I want to tear every part of myself open
Bleed and bleed until I'm purple
It's always been my favorite color.
The color of royalty,
And perfection.

I can picture my future
A purple room on a golden throne
With only the good remaining
A perfect body covered in glitter
Eyes the color of knowledge.

That's how I picture myself one day
Living on top of the world
But this picture's so lonely
And I'm very sad
So why do I even bother

Because I've been told
A skeleton turns purple
The second that it's cold
And it isn't hard to bleed until
Your heart is no longer beating
So I could end up
Tragically purple
And I wouldn't be alone

I guess I would never
See all the glitter
But not all that glitters is gold


Friday, September 25, 2015


I decided to make a post not about mental health, because there is more to me than my illness!

I died my hair Wednesday night, to a dark burgundy, which I have to say is the favorite color for my hair. I've had this hair color a few times now!

 I previously had this blondish hair that had like twenty different colors depending on the lighting. I like to call the color: "My hair is dead so I am now paying the price for bleaching and dying it too much and there are remnants of a bunch of different colors in it:

Before that, I had every shade of blue hair! :)

And before that, I had fushia hair!

And, finally here is a picture of the first time I died my hair!

I hope you are all doing well, I have an exciting announcement coming soon for you guys :)-Niqi

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

The end

It's scary
To realize
That you're approaching
The end
More quickly
Than you thought.

It's even more
Scary to realize
That you don't care
As much as you
Thought you would.

I don't know
When the thoughts flipped
But half my life
May already have
Gone by.


Saturday, September 19, 2015

Balancing school and mental illness

I promised this post a while back, but never got around to making it. So here goes.

School is tough. And being sick is tough. Unfortunately this doesn't create some sort of double negative situation where the toughness cancels. In fact, it multiplies. I'm in the process of attacking my third year at University, and to be perfectly honest, I am not what one should strive for. I tend to prioritize my school work above my mental health, which has caused me trips to the ER, hospitalizations, and a lower GPA then I know I could achieve, because in the end, I was too sick to perform as well I as I knew I could.

This year I am trying to remind myself of a few things.
- It's better to do a few things well then everything poorly.
- There is more to life than math (or whatever you happen to be studying)
- No matter how much of an introvert you are, you are also human. You do enjoy other people's company.
- Having someone you can be brutally honest to about your situation is important.
- Dropping a class, skipping a lecture, or handing in an assignment late does not make you worthless.
- Just because other people can get X grade, or take Y courses, doesn't mean you can.
- Being in school while suffering from a chronic illness is incredibly difficult and you are doing an amazing job.

Here are some tips I have to get through the year, that have helped me in the past.
1. Set a bed time. Even if this means that your assignment will be late, or you can't study the last chapter of your book, go to sleep. You'll do better overall if you are well-rested.

2. Make doctor/therapy/social work appointments. Even if you don't think you need one next week. Set one. You don't know what assignment will be thrown at you last minute, or who will say something insulting. Make the appointment. And go to the appointment. Talking about why you're doing is well is just as important as why you aren't.

3. Be honest. It doesn't have to be with everyone, but try to find a prof that you can explain what is happening. Even if it as vague as "I am struggling with my mental health". You'll be surprised about how useful and helpful they can be. Do be careful though, not all will understand. It's usually pretty easy to figure out which ones will based on the first lecture though.

4. Use the services available at your school. Get registered with disabilities services in order to get accommodations for classes, assignments and exams. Also, a mental illness crisis/bad episode etc is a reason to miss a deadline. If you haven't eaten in x amount of time and can't focus because of it, don't write your exam. Speak with a doctor and get it postponed. If you spent last night in the emergency room because you didn't feel safe, don't worry about the assignment that is due the next day.

5. Stay active. This is a tough one because it's hard to find a balance. Struggling with an eating disorder may make this point not applicable. But by active, I don't necessarily mean exercise. I mean sitting at your desk to do some work. Walking to class. Studying in different areas. Listen to your doctor first, exercise restriction should always be followed. But if you are allowed to exercise, the endorphins will help.

6. Be mindful. Schedule some time every day to turn off the outside world. Turn off your phone. Watch a movie, read a book, color, knit or do yoga. Focus on what you're doing. Let the thoughts of school, work and your social responsibilities drift away.

7. Join a support or treatment group. Therapists and doctors are great. But they aren't currently going through university. They are somewhat distant from the student world even if they work at your school. Groups are a great opportunity to gain perspective, advice and support from students facing similar challenges, as well as making friends who understand what you're struggling with.

I hope the first two weeks of school have gone well for all of you. I won't admit to getting through school in the most ideal way, because that would be a lie. But I've gotten through two years of university, and am working on year three now, and have returned to a full course load. I might reduce my course load, but I am hoping to be able to stick with it. These things have helped me stay (somewhat) grounded during tough times.


Thursday, September 17, 2015

Two birds,zero stones

They say that recovery from borderline personality is possible.
They say it is possible, but they also say that most do not recover.
They say it is not a life sentence, but 10% of patients commit suicide.

They say recovery from an eating disorder is possible.
They say it is possible, but also that half relapse.
They say it is not a life sentence, but 20% of patients die.

They say you need to be motivated to get better.
They say you need to give it all you've got.
And if you do, you can recover.

I'm not very motivated to get better.
And I don't have anything to give.
I've got two birds to hit, and no stones.


Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Losing 10 pounds

I was watching YouTube videos while putting makeup on this morning, and a weight watchers add came up.

The voice over said: How does it feel to lose 10 pounds? And there was a video of a girl looking confident in the bathroom mirror and applying on red lipstick. There was another girl there staring in awe.

Let me tell you how it felt about a year ago, when I lost 10 pounds and got to my low weight. I felt happy for an instance, when I stepped on the scale. I felt untouchable, magical, high, and like nothing could stop me.
Then I sat down at my desk. My life was still the same. I still had to send out emails I didn't want to deal with. I still had to run errands, and get through the day. I told myself I didn't need breakfast, and walked to the gym.
People were staring alright, but it was probably because of the giant bags under my eyes, and the warm sweat pants and sweater I was wearing on a warm August morning. My long hair looked thin and sick. Partly due to many rounds of bleaching and dying, but mostly due to the lack of nutrients.
I grabbed a coffee at Starbucks. I could feel everyone watching as I sat to sip on my venti black coffee. I felt myself shaking from the caffeine and lack of food, but I stood up, put my hand back on the table to steady myself until the stars went away, and walked to the gym.
Once there I got up on a stationary bike and peddled. Now more people were staring, but this time because of the scars on my arms and legs, reminding my that no matter my weight, I was still the same person, I was still miserable.
I ended up lying down in the student center. I didn't know what to do. I was hungry, but couldn't eat, because I had lost weight. I started feeling pressure to lose more and more weight. (The pressure ended up causing me to binge and gain weight again.) I felt clumps of hair fall out every time I brushed through it. I felt my head pounding every minute, and my eyes constantly closing from exhaustion. I felt isolated and cold. I always felt cold.

To summarize, I felt awful.

So Weight Watchers, if you want an honest answer to "how does it feel to lose 10 pounds?" It feels like going through hell, and getting nothing out of it.