Saturday, December 20, 2014

I'm not depressed because..

I'm not depressed because I spent two days in bed. I got up today, wrote an exam, socialized with three friends, took a train to go home, watched a comedy, knit and played guitar. But at the end of the day, I'm back in bed wanting to die.

I'm not depressed because I don't know what I want to do with my life. I know exactly what I want to do with my life. I have plans upon plans of all the things I want to accomplish. I know which courses I'll take at which grad schools and which condo I'd like to live in in 5, 10 and 15 years. I will have three cats named Ana, Maleficent, and Pixie.

I'm not depressed because it's winter. Yes I am affected by S.A.D. I also attempted suicide in June.

I'm not depressed because school is too much. Yes university courses can trigger my anxiety. But some days the only reason I got out of bed is because I really really like linear algebra class.

I'm not depressed because of a certain reason. There isn't one thing you can change in my life that will make me happy. There are things that give me a reason to not die, until the chemical imbalances in my brain are changed. My meds are still being sorted out. My therapy is still being sorted out. I'm depressed because I am one of the unlucky ones with Major Depressive Disorder. You can't just 'fix' me. Please just stick with me.

-Niqi
xoxo

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