Thursday, December 25, 2014

Christmas part 2: My stepdad was an ass

I hate being this mean to my stepdad. I know that my BPD causes me to have super intense emotions, and see everything in black and white. I don't want to hate him.
BUT HE MADE ME SO FUCKING MAD LAST NIGHT.
So it's Christmas Eve. My mom's side doesn't do anything on Christmas Eve. Our Christmas' are actually quite laid back. So I decided to go to a friend's for a bit.
When I bring this up with my stepdad, apparently I've been ruining Christmas. I was accused of:
- not eating dinner with the family
- going to bed too early
- wanting too much alone time
- spending too much time with friends
- not having enough conversations.

FIRSTLY I AM IN EXTREME CAFFEINE WITHDRAWAL. Mixed with a low that lasted until midway through Christmas Eve. I cut out caffeine (I was at 250/day.. already down from 800-1000) down to zero. That's right, I've had no pepsi max, only herbal tea, no coffee, no caffeine or green tea pills. No wonder I want to sleep a lot. I also have Major Depressive Disorder. A mental ILLNESS that makes me sleep a lot, withdraw from people, and not be the most cheerful and wanting to participate in conversations. I thought maybe it would bring my mood up to catch up with friends I don't live near when I'm at home, so I would take advantage of us all being back with our parents for the holidays to say hi, and maybe have them cheer me up a little. It took extreme effort to get out of bed each morning, eat some breakfast, take my meds, and then go see all my friends. No wonder I'm exhausted. Simply walking up the stairs was a massive challenge and then I was pushing myself to see people? I thought you would be proud of me for trying so fucking hard.
Okay he has a point. I have been (somewhat purposely) sleeping through dinners. But you know I have an eating disorder. I promised to have all my meals with you on Christmas day. I haven't been purging what I've been eating. And you stare at me the entire time I eat!! How is that not supposed to trigger me. At least pretend to not be watching me, and have a conversation or something.

Anyways at the end of it all, I got blamed for ruining Christmas. Guess I'll be seeing my dad and stepmom for the next few Christmas'.
Maybe they will appreciate my effort.

-Niqi
xoxo

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