Thursday, December 25, 2014

Christmas part 1: food

I HATE FOOD. but I love it. but I also hate it.
Fucking eating disorders.

Christmas. The holiday to celebrate love, giving, family and hope. At least that's always what I've seen it as. It seems as though my family uses as an excuse to eat every carb and fat in the world all through the day. Let's have breakfast (scones, juice, coffee (with loads of milk and sugar), fruit, and yogurt), followed by munching on chocolate while opening gifts, followed by lunch of quiche, pizza, and veggies because apparently we had a small breakfast, followed by more nibbling on chocolate and fruit until dinner; a turkey stuffed pork, roasted veggies, salad and potatoes, and then of course desert, an apple strudel, a peanut butter chocolate overly sweet dish, AND caramel brownies.

I was doing 'well'. I wanted to be relatively 'normal'. Or at least appear normal for one day so my family could enjoy the day.
I binged and purged early this morning because I was stressed with anticipation.
I had a scone with tea for breakfast. My mom made them I figured I would make her happy and eat one.
Then I had lunch: a banana with peanut butter, and some more tea.
I then got caught snacking (and then binging) on all my Christmas chocolate, so I purged.
This happened to be right before dinner, because apparently we should eat dinner at 5:30pm. So I just had a cup of spinach for dinner. I couldn't handle anything else.

Then came desert. Well fuck. I didn't want any. It was grossing me out. But I felt so left out for not being able to enjoy a treat on Christmas that I fucking ate some of everything. Now I just feel enormous, and this will definitely lead to late night binge/purging.

Oh well. I tried.
At least I appeared 'normal' for my mom and step dad. Better then losing it yesterday and getting blamed for ruining Christmas. (Stay tuned for Christmas part 2: my stepdad was an ass)

-Niqi
xoxo

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