Monday, December 29, 2014

My (attempt) at a meal plan

I'm stuck in monster binge mode. But here is my attempt at having a meal plan and getting back under control:

- latte (made with 1c coconut milk) (80cal)
- 1cup water with meds and vitamins

- tea <3 (0-10cal)

- Lightly sweetened instant oatmeal (110cal)
- pepsi max
- apple (80cal)

Snack (if needed):
- Veggies with salsa (up to 50cal)

- 3cups of veggies sauteed with a quarter cup of salsa (100cals)
- Either lentils, beans, veggie hotdogs/burgers (100cals worth)
OR: meal replacement shake on Mondays when I have no time to cook dinner before gymnastics (225)
- Coffee or tea

Evening snack (if needed):
- 1cup frozen berries (80cal)
- Tea (0-10cal)

Total cals: ~600

Other snacks if I feel as though I need it:
- air popped popcorn
- candy canes
- soup
- natural peanut butter (1tbsp)

I hope this gives you guys some ideas of ways to make a meal plan. Make sure that more calories is better then restricting to a point of binging and purging



I can't stop.
I hate it so much.. I enjoy the food for the first few bites, and then I hate it.
Everytime I binge and purge I promise myself it will be the last time. It never is.
I'm binging on thousands and thousands of calories, not purging it all, and hating myself for gaining weight.
I'm throwing food away, then going through the trash to dig it out.
I'm spending all my Christmas money, buying food with credit cards, and steeling, just to binge and purge. Even though I hate it.
What is wrong with me?
As much as I hate it, I love it.
I want to stop but I don't.
I'm stuck.


Thursday, December 25, 2014

Christmas part 2: My stepdad was an ass

I hate being this mean to my stepdad. I know that my BPD causes me to have super intense emotions, and see everything in black and white. I don't want to hate him.
So it's Christmas Eve. My mom's side doesn't do anything on Christmas Eve. Our Christmas' are actually quite laid back. So I decided to go to a friend's for a bit.
When I bring this up with my stepdad, apparently I've been ruining Christmas. I was accused of:
- not eating dinner with the family
- going to bed too early
- wanting too much alone time
- spending too much time with friends
- not having enough conversations.

FIRSTLY I AM IN EXTREME CAFFEINE WITHDRAWAL. Mixed with a low that lasted until midway through Christmas Eve. I cut out caffeine (I was at 250/day.. already down from 800-1000) down to zero. That's right, I've had no pepsi max, only herbal tea, no coffee, no caffeine or green tea pills. No wonder I want to sleep a lot. I also have Major Depressive Disorder. A mental ILLNESS that makes me sleep a lot, withdraw from people, and not be the most cheerful and wanting to participate in conversations. I thought maybe it would bring my mood up to catch up with friends I don't live near when I'm at home, so I would take advantage of us all being back with our parents for the holidays to say hi, and maybe have them cheer me up a little. It took extreme effort to get out of bed each morning, eat some breakfast, take my meds, and then go see all my friends. No wonder I'm exhausted. Simply walking up the stairs was a massive challenge and then I was pushing myself to see people? I thought you would be proud of me for trying so fucking hard.
Okay he has a point. I have been (somewhat purposely) sleeping through dinners. But you know I have an eating disorder. I promised to have all my meals with you on Christmas day. I haven't been purging what I've been eating. And you stare at me the entire time I eat!! How is that not supposed to trigger me. At least pretend to not be watching me, and have a conversation or something.

Anyways at the end of it all, I got blamed for ruining Christmas. Guess I'll be seeing my dad and stepmom for the next few Christmas'.
Maybe they will appreciate my effort.


Christmas part 1: food

I HATE FOOD. but I love it. but I also hate it.
Fucking eating disorders.

Christmas. The holiday to celebrate love, giving, family and hope. At least that's always what I've seen it as. It seems as though my family uses as an excuse to eat every carb and fat in the world all through the day. Let's have breakfast (scones, juice, coffee (with loads of milk and sugar), fruit, and yogurt), followed by munching on chocolate while opening gifts, followed by lunch of quiche, pizza, and veggies because apparently we had a small breakfast, followed by more nibbling on chocolate and fruit until dinner; a turkey stuffed pork, roasted veggies, salad and potatoes, and then of course desert, an apple strudel, a peanut butter chocolate overly sweet dish, AND caramel brownies.

I was doing 'well'. I wanted to be relatively 'normal'. Or at least appear normal for one day so my family could enjoy the day.
I binged and purged early this morning because I was stressed with anticipation.
I had a scone with tea for breakfast. My mom made them I figured I would make her happy and eat one.
Then I had lunch: a banana with peanut butter, and some more tea.
I then got caught snacking (and then binging) on all my Christmas chocolate, so I purged.
This happened to be right before dinner, because apparently we should eat dinner at 5:30pm. So I just had a cup of spinach for dinner. I couldn't handle anything else.

Then came desert. Well fuck. I didn't want any. It was grossing me out. But I felt so left out for not being able to enjoy a treat on Christmas that I fucking ate some of everything. Now I just feel enormous, and this will definitely lead to late night binge/purging.

Oh well. I tried.
At least I appeared 'normal' for my mom and step dad. Better then losing it yesterday and getting blamed for ruining Christmas. (Stay tuned for Christmas part 2: my stepdad was an ass)


Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Holiday meal plan

I know that many of you are stressed with Christmas coming up (tomorrow is Christmas Eve!!) so I thought I would share some yummy safe dishes of mine I'll be eating. 
Obviously it will be weird for me to be eating different food than my family, but since I'm vegetarian, it happens anyways so I use that as my excuse to make my own food. It helps that my immediate family knows and are supportive/know that I'm 18 and there isn't much they can do. 

How to get through a three course Christmas meal: 

1. bread/salad. 
I make myself a very nice garden salad and fill up on this. I don't dress my salads, I simply put some salt and pepper on it. I often have the same salad my family is having, and ask them to leave the dressing on the side. I'll tend to skip the bread, when the bread basket goes around, or put a very small piece of bread in the basket and go for that one. Bread is such a fear food for me, I'd rather not be triggered to b/p right from the get go.
Salad ~ 50 (about two-three cups worth, no dressing)
Bread ~50 (for a small piece)

2. Main course. 
I replace the turkey with tofurky roast (125 per tenth of the roast) and then have a plateful of steamed veggies (about 50 for two cups). I can't do potatoes, so I always skip those. 

3. Desert. 
This is the though one and seems to ALWAYS lead me to binging and purging. I plan on loading up on fruit salad (about 80 for a cup) and some light whipped cream to look like I'm indulging (25 per quarter cup)

In total your meal can easily be under 400cals, and you still feel part of the Christmas celebrations. 

Good luck!


Monday, December 22, 2014


I tried seeing people today. I was social for 4 and a half hours. I currently want to sleep for 20 years. Why are social interactions so exhausting? Of course, now it is almost dinner time so I have to be social with my family.
I swear the holidays are more tiring then the school year. At least during the school year I can claim that the reason I'm not being social is because of readings and assignments.. It's kinda hard to do that during the break.
Ughh I need to sleep. A lot. Or just be alone for ever... Why are social interactions expected of me?


Sunday, December 21, 2014

happy happy holidays

The holidays are a wonderful time of year. If you're happy that is.
I should be in the hospital. But there is no more help they can give me. 
My family is gonna hate having me around because I'm going to lock myself in my room the entire time.
I'll eat my own Christmas dinner at the end of the table. Eating delicious pan fried veggies with no oil while everyone else feasts on turkey. All for nothing because then I will binge on cookies and pie.
I never understood why suicide rates went up around the holidays. Everyone seems so happy and festive. I get it now. Being the only unhappy one is quite a lonely feeling.


Saturday, December 20, 2014

I'm not depressed because..

I'm not depressed because I spent two days in bed. I got up today, wrote an exam, socialized with three friends, took a train to go home, watched a comedy, knit and played guitar. But at the end of the day, I'm back in bed wanting to die.

I'm not depressed because I don't know what I want to do with my life. I know exactly what I want to do with my life. I have plans upon plans of all the things I want to accomplish. I know which courses I'll take at which grad schools and which condo I'd like to live in in 5, 10 and 15 years. I will have three cats named Ana, Maleficent, and Pixie.

I'm not depressed because it's winter. Yes I am affected by S.A.D. I also attempted suicide in June.

I'm not depressed because school is too much. Yes university courses can trigger my anxiety. But some days the only reason I got out of bed is because I really really like linear algebra class.

I'm not depressed because of a certain reason. There isn't one thing you can change in my life that will make me happy. There are things that give me a reason to not die, until the chemical imbalances in my brain are changed. My meds are still being sorted out. My therapy is still being sorted out. I'm depressed because I am one of the unlucky ones with Major Depressive Disorder. You can't just 'fix' me. Please just stick with me.


Questions questions questions

... I know I'm going to have to answer all of these the second I see my parents:

  • How is school?
  • How is treatment?
  • How is recovery? 
  • How much are you purging? 
  • How much are you restricting? 
  • Why do you care so much about your weight? 
  • Why do you care so much about your grades?
  • What are your grades like?
  • How did exams go?
  • How was the semester?
  • Did you get to know any of your profs?
  • Why did you spend so much money? 
  • Why is there an ambulance charge on your credit card? 
  • Can't you see how much your hurting us? 
  • Does your eyeliner have some sort of deep meaning? 
  • Why don't you want to talk to us? 
  • Why don't you want to play with your siblings?
  • Why don't you want to go see your highschool friends? 
  • Did you lose weight? 
  • Did you gain weight? 
  • Do you know how much we love you?
  • Are you still trying to lose weight? 
  • Are you going to get a scholorship? 
  • How much are your books going to cost next year?
  • What are your new years resolutions? 
  • Do you still like your therapist?
  • Why aren't you ding treatment at the hospital?
  • Why don't you want to stay longer? 
  • What meds are you on now?
  • Why do you need blood work done so often? 
  • Is it safe for you to have meds in your room? 
  • Why are you taking so many vitamins? 
  • Is that enough food for breakfast/lunch/dinner?
  • Isn't that a lot of food?
  • Are you going to purge that? 
  • Where did all our alcohol go? 

I'm ginormous

I'm ginormous.
A big piece of lard.
Expanding every day at an exponential speed.
I lose a pound yet it looks like I gained 4.
So I lose some more. And more and more.
Until I eat the entire kitchen.
And then start again.
Oh joy.



To be perfectly honest, I always thought mindfulness was the most ridiculous thing in the world. When I was admitted, I sat through mindfulness groups rolling my eyes and making up elaborate escape plans that would have never worked. But once I got discharged I started to notice some things. Mindfulness is a skill that I have used in the past - I just wasn't aware of it. However, my mindfulness activities are different then the average.
I struggled with mindful breathing, and yoga and those types of activities. I could not stop my brain from wandering and ended up having panic attacks after those activities.
But some of my other coping strategies became a lot more effective when I viewed them as mindfulness activities.
Some of my most common "mindfulness" strategies are:
- listening to music
This one is perhaps more obviously mindful listening..
So I suppose that this could be considered mindful movement. However I like to watch netflix at the same time, which means I am not 100% in the moment. The focus I have on the knitting needes help me focus all my brain energy into something, while allowing myself to get carried away into whatever tv show I'm watching.
-making bracelets
This is pretty similar to knitting for me, but you should go check out the bracelet project on tumblr. Its a great mental health awareness project and it gives me a purpose to the bracelets I'm making.
-gymnastics and dance
Both if these sports require 100℅ total focus. I find it so much easier to be mindful when my life depends on it then when I'm sitting on a yoga mat.
I love math. Hence why I'm a math major. Sitting down and doing a sudoku or similar puzzle is one of the best ways for me to be in the moment. I'm sure word searches or crosswords work just as well for those more language bases people!
Basically, what I'm trying to say, is that the skills they teach you in DBT can be used in so many ways. I have fought with my therapist with regards to weather or not I was practicing my skills or not, when in reality I wasn't practicing them in her way.
Some people need yoga and bubble baths to clear their heads, while others need to punch a boxing bag or do puzzles.


Friday, December 19, 2014

Fucking therapy

I love my therapist. 
Well I did.
I might hate her now. 

Yesterday, I was really proud of myself, told her how I was feeling and ended up in the ER for 'suicidal threats and behaviours'. They let me out. I emailed her to see if I could talk to her today specifically about ways I could lift my mood and strategies to get through the holidays. 

Did I get help and support? 
I got a fucking lecture. 

I got told that I don't have my priorities right. Well too bad it's my life. 
I was accused of lying because my university timetable got changed. I don't control the fucking schedule.
Apparently I'm not committed enough to recovery. Well I'm 18, live alone and choosing to see you every other week, so I'm pretty damn sure that I'm trying. 

I really want to cancel my appointments in January. 

I don't want to go back. 

More triggered then ever. Every time she tells me I can't do something, I want to spit in her face and say watch me. 
So watch me she will. 
I will be skinny, smart, successful and powerful. She did do one thing right. I have motivation to live again because I need to prove her wrong. 


Thursday, December 11, 2014

Burnt out too soon

A week and half too soon.
10 days to be exact.
4 more finals to write and I'm already done.
Ready to throw in the towel.

I'm crying myself to sleep.
Wondering when this will end.
Feeling, tired and worthless.

I starve myself to deal with the stress.
But how can I concentrate when I have no food?

10 days. You can do it. 10 days.


Monday, December 8, 2014

Pre exams

Exam one is today. In one hour and 50 minutes. Honestly, I feel okay. I'm starting with the easy one. How bad can it be? We get two hours to answer 60multiple choice. Our midterm was 30 multiple choice and I finished in 15 minutes.
Deep breaths Niqi. Its going to be okay. Breathe in, breathe out. I made the smart decision of taking our my anxiety at the gym this morning. Start burning off the remaining 4.2lbs of the 5 I gained over the past week. God I hate my body right now.

Anyways, I'm actually writing this while on a stationary bike. I hate writing exams not in the morning. 90% of the time my good mood only lasts in the morning. I'm in a good mood now, but who knows if it will last through the exam.... Stupid BPD. The worst is not knowing how you're going TP feel. I feel great now, which means I could also feel great tonight or I could trip over a rock and become suicidal. So please good mood.. Last until 2:30pm. That's all I need from you. I'm pumping you with endorphins, I'll hydrate you and I'm even going to feed you (!!). Just continue feeling good until after my exam!


Thursday, December 4, 2014

Falling off

I'm stuck.
Trapped in a land between reality and fantasy.
Where broken hearts become physically tired.
Where more time is spent in the bathroom than with friends.
Getting out is harder then anything you've ever imagined.
It's like falling 50ft off a tight rope.
Try getting back up.
It's anything but impossible.
And if you don't get back in a certain time, you die.
You get dizzy, and start blacking out.
Your heart starts to flutter, but you aren't in love.
You're dying.
Throwing money in the toilet,
Disappointing your family,
Loosing your friends.
You're stuck.
Lurking between reality and fantasy, life and death.
I want to turn back.
But I can't.
So I resign.


Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Safe study snacks

Exams are coming and I always want to snack while studying.
Here are some good snacks you can snack on without feeling to guilty or leading to binge/purge

- rice cakes (35-60/cake depending on the case)

- chocolate covered espresso beans (216 for 28 pieces, but satisfying and has caffeine. I treat myself with these) (nice caffeine boost, and such a strong flavor I don't want to binge)

- apples (80 each) (give a really good energy boost as well, other fruit works as well!)

- frozen berries (70/cup) eat them frozen and slowly

- veggies (50/cup) with hummus (35/2tbsp if you find the light stuff) or salsa (25/.25 cup) or just some spices (~0)

- Candy canes (50 each) (okay fine nothing good nutritionally, but low cal, no fat, peppermint curbs cravings and takes a long time to eat. If anyone ever finds sugar free candy canes they must let me know ASAP)

Since I'm on the topic, what do you guys eat before exams?
All my exams are in the morning, so my standard is a coffee (~0), apple (80) and oatmeal (130) = 210. More then my normal breakfast intake, but it keeps me satisfied throughout my exam. I also always chew a piece of mint gum while writing, and keep a water bottle with me.

Good luck studying darlings, and remember, if you need to up your cals to focus on school, do so!! You have a break after and can adjust your eating after. Please focus on exams and plan your food so you don't burn out before they end.


That's the borderline speaking

Exams are coming. I'm stressed as fuck. So what is my natural response? Let's cut, overdose, throw myself off of buildings, binge and purge or go get drunk.
No Niqi, you don't drink. You know your family has a long history of alcoholics. You don't want to go down that path.
Okay so b/p, cut, overdose or jump off a roof. Well the roof jumping is do risky.. death would be okay but being paralyzed would not. Overdosing would lead you to the hospital and probably on a 72 hr psych hold...
Like always, my options are b/p or cutting. Hence why I do them. Because they are the best option of a list of terrible options.

Niqi, calm down, this isn't you. This is the borderline speaking. It's an episode. Ride the wave, it will pass. I promise. 19 more days to get through. Hold on. Don't fall apart just yet. Try not to bleed out or lose all your electrolytes. Don't get hospitalized until the end of exams. Ideally, don't get hospitalized at all, but hey if you do, try to miss out on 'fun family time' (aka people stuffing their faces until they basically explode) instead of exams that will help my future.

Deep breaths Niqi. You can do this. Ignore the borderline until after exams. You can push it away for 19 more days. That's less then three weeks. 19 days. breathe in breathe out. Don't punch a wall, don't hurt yourself. 19 days. You can do it.