Tuesday, November 18, 2014


I either like my coffee black, or super sweet and creamy in a mocha. I don't even want to think about the amount of money and calories I spent on salted caramel mochas this season.

-1-2c coffee
-2tbsp light hot chocolate powder
-pinch of cinnamon
-1/4c coconut milk

Make the coffee strong, and it tastes like a strong mocha with a kick from the cinnamon. The coconut milk adds flavor and rounds it out. Total calories = 50. Less then half the calories in a grande skinny Starbucks mocha or latte. And if you have good coffee, the coconut really makes it taste better.

So next time you're having the "I need to binge on Starbucks" feeling (that I get a lot..), here is a satisfying low cal solution.


To eat or not to eat

That is the question.

But it's not the only question.

See if the answer is no, then I have to plan my day around that. Are I going to drink? If so, zero cal drinks or any drinks? Or just water? What about electrolytes? Are Powerade drops acceptable? Is crystal light cheating? It's zero cals but I'm basically eating fruit salad. At least flavour wise. But I probably couldn't live without my crystal light. What about gum? If I chew it for an hour it makes up for the calories in it? How vigorously do I need to chew it? What about broth? Is broth a food or a drink? It has a lot of sodium, so how many glasses of water do I make myself drink for every cup of broth? And if broth is a drink, what about a brothy soup? A vegetable soup only adds about 30cals to the broth, but then it's loaded with vitamins. So is that okay?

What if I do eat? How many meals? One large one or several small? Carbs or no carbs? Fat or no fat? Do I count spices in my calorie count? How much do I workout? Do I count net calories or total calories? What about bloating? Do I indulge in a treat? If I do, should I purge? What if I overeat healthy food? I feel guilty for purging but it needs to come out. What about laxing? How many? What type? What am I doing in 12 hours? I could always say fuck it and just binge and purge. But how much money am I willing to spend? What time do I need to go out to buy food so my housemates don't notice me coming back with cartons of icecream, cookies, and frozen pizzas. What if my gag reflex stops again and I can't get it all out?

This runs through my mind every second of every minute of every day.

So the next time you tell me that it's easy, that I should just eat a balanced diet, or that I'm not trying hard enough shut the hell up.

It's not that easy.

I keep my days filled with school work and extra-curriculars so that my brain doesn't have time to panic about food. I eat while doing work, because if not, there is no way that meal will stay down. I study best when I'm hungry, because that is when my self esteem is at it's highest.

I'm trying. I really am.
But this has become who I am. I'm taking baby steps, taming the monster.

Honestly, the best thing you can do for me is not comment. If I bring it up, that's fine. If not, be quiet.


Saturday, November 8, 2014

Fat piece of shit

I'm a fat piece of shit.
Stupid worthless fat piece of shit.
Why am I even here?
Why do I bother.
I work my ass off. For what? A fucking 51% on my physics midterm?
I try to recover. For what? To relapse even worse then I ever did before?
I just want to give up.
Fall into a black abyss.
Leave forever.


Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Back in control

I'm finally back on track
Although its a narrow track
I seem to be doing okay
Its like walking a tight rope
But I'm successful
I can keep moving forward
Without falling down
But one small push
One wrong step
A gust of wind
Will have me falling
Back down to rock bottom
And I'm scared
That was a bad place
And I don't want to go back


Sunday, November 2, 2014

I can't

I can't anymore.
I can't wake up and pretend to be happy.
Force down a banana trying not to think of all the calories turning into fat.
Down a couple coffees to get through my day.
Put on makeup - no a mask.
Paste on a smile and get to campus.
Get through my classes, trying not to break down.
Because they just re-enforce how stupid I am.
Run home and binge and binge.
Do some homework then purge and purge.
Because the only time I feel is good is after that purging high.
But I can't do this anymore.
I'm done.