Sunday, August 17, 2014

Why I won't have kids

I don't want kids. Or a husband or wife for that matter. Or any long term relationship. They scare me.
Firstly, I can't imagine having a completely honest relationship. I can barely live with who I am. How is anyone else supposed to?
Secondly, in my experience, people's priorities seem to shift when in relationships. Now, this does seem to make people happy, but I can't imagine being fully satisfied with my life without reaching all my personal goals. But my personal goals involve me moving to California, being a tenured professor, long work hours and very little time for socialization. I don't want someone to come in the way of my career. I've always placed high importance on my personal goals, and this doesn't change when I'm in a relationship, nor would I want it to.

However, sometimes I still think that it would be nice to have someone to come home to, or plan a wedding, or think of what I would buy my kids for Christmas. I figured if maybe I recovered, I would be more comfortable with the idea of a long term relationship and maybe I would find someone who supported my career. This daydreaming never used to bother me until a couple months ago.
When I got diagnosed with BPD I didn't really think twice about it. I was coming off of an unsuccessful suicide attempt, and just wanted to curl up in my bed and disappear. I started doing some research on borderline and realized that it described me quite well. Then it hit me that my ex's mom had BPD.
Now this may not seem significant, but it is, I promise. My ex and his mother did not have the best relationship, and this definitely affected him as a person. I don't want to be responsible for my children being unhappy, just because I have BPD.
Not only that, but there are many self help books for children with borderline parents (examples include "Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-esteem" and "Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship").
Well if the nature of my disorder causes me to have intense, unpredictable and volatile relationships with my children why would I want to bring a child into the world just to have a bad relationship with them? And if this causes my children. To have trust, boundary and self-esteem issues why would I want raise a kid that I know will suffer so much? I know hard it is to have trust and self-esteem issues, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

I know that many people with BPD have very successful family lives and have happy kids, I just don't see myself being able to do that. If anyone knows how, please let me know!
I know that with therapy it is possible to reduce the symptoms of BPD, making it possible to have a family life. But this disorder has no cure, it is seen as a chronic problem. So it will no doubt affect my kids. Maybe this my anxiety speaking, but if I ever wanted kids, I'd be too scared to raise any, convinced that I'm going to mess up as a mother. I feel as though my disorder has taken over more of my life then I thought it would..

Niqi
xoxo

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