Monday, August 11, 2014

Talking out of suicide

TW*I know many get really strong suicidal ideations, and once you decide to act on them it can be impossible to go back. However over the past couple days, I've started overdosing, and stopped half way through. The last times I tried to overdose in order to kill myself, I felt like absolute crap for a couple days, and that was it. I didn't actually cause my body any serious harm - I just threw up like crazy until the toxic amounts where out of my system. Of course the effects of an OD depends on the types and quantities of medications taken, so please take all your medications as prescribed and nothing else.*TW
But I started taking some OTC medication today. I had done extensive research and new exactly how much I would have needed to take to get the desired effects. I was hoping to cause damage, but not die. I promised my family that I wouldn't die. I honestly got bored and didn't want to spend all night puking. Somehow that wasn't the self destruction I was looking for. The slightest doubt I had made me stop. I guess the past 10 months of therapy have been doing something. I can guarantee that if this was even one month ago, I would have taken all the pills I had, even though I knew I would just end up throwing up all night. I know that my family may not consider this progress, but the fact that I was able to talk myself out of an overdose is very good progress for me.
I see my therapist on Wednesday, so I need to find the strength in me to pull through until then.
I made a list of little things to do and keep myself busy with, until then so that I stay safe.
-watch the perseids
-knit a headband
-make some bracelets for the #braceletproject
-dance
-go to starbucks whenever I feel like crap
-read
-paint my room
-make tea
-bubble bath
-paint nails
-put on a face mask/teeth whitening strips (this is super effective to stop bingeing as well!)
-I also have letters that spell LIVE that I'm going to hang in my room. Each one is going to be collaged with pictures of one of my siblings (I have four). Once it's complete I will have a beautiful reminder of why I must live.

-Niqi
xoxo

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