Saturday, August 9, 2014

Introduction

Hi :)
I'm Niqi and was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Since being diagnosed I've done a lot of research on this disorder and its quite an accurate diagnoses.
Throughout the past year I've been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder (bulimia in october, and then my diagnosis got changed to purging disorder). I also self harm and have attempted suicide.
A month or so ago I decided I had to stay alive. I wish I could say I was doing this for myself but I'm not quite there yet. But I can't leave my siblings. I love them too much to put them through that. So since I'm stuck on earth I decided I'm going to make the most of it. I don't necessarily mean that in the most conventional way though.
Some days that means lying in bed watching tv because that's all I have the energy for. But hey, I have a long list of movies and TV shows to watch.
Some days that means studying super hard and throwing new tricks at gymnastics practice and talking to my profs about there research.
Some days that means self destructing because sometimes its okay to not be okay as long as you stay alive.
And some days that means going to coffee shops and listening to motivating music and enjoying the beauty of life.
All I'm saying is that I'm going to take it day by day and do what I have to do to stay alive. Because that is my first priority.
My second priority is world domination through math. But honestly, as long as one day I can get paid for solving puzzles and doing math every day I'll be content.
I'm going to do my best to not be triggering, and if I think anything I post might be triggering I'll warn you. However, I haven't fully committed to recovery yet- so much of my self definition is wrapped into all my disorders. But I'm trying. So this isn't a recovery blog, I'm just hopping to reach out to anyone going through similar things and force me to write down my thoughts every so often.

-Niqi
xoxo

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