Monday, August 25, 2014

I'm exhausted

I feel like crap. I want to curl up in a ball and disappear. I'm hungry, yet can't eat. I'm upping my intake to at least 1000, because I think my diet may be causing some of my problems. I just feel so uncomfortable and get such a large insurmountable urge to purge when I feel full. I feel powerful when I am slightly hungry. How messed up is that?
I worked out today, which usually makes me feel great - even if it isn't a great workout - but today I just felt weak. Walking to the library afterwards was a struggle, and I needed electrolytes after to keep me going. I feel like such a failure. The worst part is, my eating disorder voice is getting stronger. It's funny how we are able to trick ourselves into thinking that we will just keep part of our disorder. It doesn't work like that. It's all or nothing.
I also want to binge so badly, and my dad just made muffins... I actually bought a bunch of binge food yesterday (spent 32$..), ate half a liter of ice cream, and gave the rest of the food away. Thank goodness, or I would be bingeing on it now.
Ugh.. I guess I'll go to bed, hopefully 1000 and some strength training works for tomorrow. I have to figure this out before the school year starts.


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