Tuesday, August 26, 2014

I'm a mess of contradictions in a dress

I go to bed wishing I had someone to cuddle with, and wake up pushing everyone who cares about me away.

I spend days wearing cute floral dresses, acting adorably innocent, then get tattoos and piercings, shop lift and have sex on total impulse.

I freak out over the calories in gum, then binge on thousands of calories.

I have bubble baths to soothe my sore muscles, then I take a blade to my wrist.

I plan my future with a PhD, then think of ways I could kill myself.

I spend hours cleaning my room, then smash my mirror to bits.

I am sweet and caring, yet turn into a ruthless sarcastic bitch in a matter of seconds.

I hate being lonely, but refuse every invitation I get to be with people.

I talk about poetry like a queen, while using 'fuck' as punctuation.

I want to be myself and ignore what society thinks, but I have no idea who I am.

I love you and I hate you.

I want you, yet I hate wanting you.

I can't describe myself as I am a bunch of opposites.

As Fiona put it in Shrek The Musical;
"I'm a mess of contradictions in a dress"

-Niqi
xoxo

Monday, August 25, 2014

I'm exhausted

I feel like crap. I want to curl up in a ball and disappear. I'm hungry, yet can't eat. I'm upping my intake to at least 1000, because I think my diet may be causing some of my problems. I just feel so uncomfortable and get such a large insurmountable urge to purge when I feel full. I feel powerful when I am slightly hungry. How messed up is that?
I worked out today, which usually makes me feel great - even if it isn't a great workout - but today I just felt weak. Walking to the library afterwards was a struggle, and I needed electrolytes after to keep me going. I feel like such a failure. The worst part is, my eating disorder voice is getting stronger. It's funny how we are able to trick ourselves into thinking that we will just keep part of our disorder. It doesn't work like that. It's all or nothing.
I also want to binge so badly, and my dad just made muffins... I actually bought a bunch of binge food yesterday (spent 32$..), ate half a liter of ice cream, and gave the rest of the food away. Thank goodness, or I would be bingeing on it now.
Ugh.. I guess I'll go to bed, hopefully 1000 and some strength training works for tomorrow. I have to figure this out before the school year starts.

-Niqi
xoxo

Sunday, August 24, 2014

September plans

I have big plans for September. This year is going to be my year.
I created the 888 challenge for myself.

8 hours of sleep. 11pm-7am consistently. The only way I can get through a day of school and gymnastics is with enough sleep. It also helps the cravings go away, and reduces my urge to binge :) :)

8 hours of studying. This may seem like a lot, but I'm including class time. Every day from 8:30-4:30 I am going to be focused on my classes. I'm going to ace all of them. Who runs the world? me.

800kcal. Realistically, I'd like to be able to up this to 1200, but I'm not at a point where I can eat that much and not purge. At 800, I don't feel the need to binge (most days), and I have enough energy to get through the day. I also eat a protein bar before going to gymnastics as 'fuel'. It doesn't count as food, I don't put it in my daily calorie count, and I do my best not to think about it. I know that 800 won't be sustainable in the long run, but if I start here, I won't purge as much, and hopefully save my heart. Then I will slowly increase my calorie count, until I am hopefully maintaining a weight that I feel comfortable with, and is relatively healthy. I've been using my ED as a coping mechanism for so long, that I'm not ready to let go of it just yet. I know that half assing recovery won't do me any good, but I'm working really hard to overcome my depression, SH, and suicidal ideations first. Once I have a will to live, maybe I'll want to get healthy. But when you have no desire to live, it is pretty hard to care about your physical health.

I'm hoping with this regularity, I'll be able to keep myself semi-sane and not end up in IP treatment again. That's the goal. (As well as world domination and straight A's of course..)

-Niqi
xoxo

Monday, August 18, 2014

To be a queen

Being a queen is more about pretty dresses and delicate hand waving. Its more than the appearances and palaces.
Queens have power. Being a princess is all fun and games, but being a queen means more. Being a queen involves being smart, in control, strong, kind and always on top of everything.
Queens also always put up a brave front. No matter what is going on in their lives, they appear in control when they are in front of a crowd. They deal with their personal issues and insecurities behind closed doors.
That's why I aspire to be a queen. Whether it's the queen of the world, the queen of my family, or the queen of math, I strive to be a queen. When personal shit happens, I want to be able to deal with it privately, and then go out and continue taking on the world It takes hard work, dedication and a hell of a lot of passion, but one day, I hope it will be worth it.

-Niqi
xoxo

Post purge routine

Binging and purging is exhausting. It really is. You get dizzy, tired, and irritable. Here's how I take care of myself after I purge.

1. Chew and spit tums. Tums are basic so they help save your teeth from the acid.

2. Drink an electrolyte beverage. This helps hydrate and get your potassium restored.

3. Have a nice cup of soothing tea. This just helps me relax and self soothe.

4. Lie down and read a book, or watch TV and knit. Just keep busy and try to accept my mistakes and move on.

5. Journal, and try to make the rest of my day more positive.

6. Plan out what I'm going to eat for the rest of the day.

Stay safe lovelies <3

Niqi
xoxo

13

13 must be unlucky
It's the year things got bad
It's the year I was lonely
When I was surrounded by people.

13 must be unlucky
It's the year I grew up
It's the year I became a woman
When I wanted to be a kid.

13 must be unlucky
It's the year I got anxious
Its the year I felt abandoned
When I wanted to be hugged.

But I hope that for you
13 won't be so wicked
And maybe you will find
The magic in madness.

Niqi
xoxo

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Why I won't have kids

I don't want kids. Or a husband or wife for that matter. Or any long term relationship. They scare me.
Firstly, I can't imagine having a completely honest relationship. I can barely live with who I am. How is anyone else supposed to?
Secondly, in my experience, people's priorities seem to shift when in relationships. Now, this does seem to make people happy, but I can't imagine being fully satisfied with my life without reaching all my personal goals. But my personal goals involve me moving to California, being a tenured professor, long work hours and very little time for socialization. I don't want someone to come in the way of my career. I've always placed high importance on my personal goals, and this doesn't change when I'm in a relationship, nor would I want it to.

However, sometimes I still think that it would be nice to have someone to come home to, or plan a wedding, or think of what I would buy my kids for Christmas. I figured if maybe I recovered, I would be more comfortable with the idea of a long term relationship and maybe I would find someone who supported my career. This daydreaming never used to bother me until a couple months ago.
When I got diagnosed with BPD I didn't really think twice about it. I was coming off of an unsuccessful suicide attempt, and just wanted to curl up in my bed and disappear. I started doing some research on borderline and realized that it described me quite well. Then it hit me that my ex's mom had BPD.
Now this may not seem significant, but it is, I promise. My ex and his mother did not have the best relationship, and this definitely affected him as a person. I don't want to be responsible for my children being unhappy, just because I have BPD.
Not only that, but there are many self help books for children with borderline parents (examples include "Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-esteem" and "Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship").
Well if the nature of my disorder causes me to have intense, unpredictable and volatile relationships with my children why would I want to bring a child into the world just to have a bad relationship with them? And if this causes my children. To have trust, boundary and self-esteem issues why would I want raise a kid that I know will suffer so much? I know hard it is to have trust and self-esteem issues, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

I know that many people with BPD have very successful family lives and have happy kids, I just don't see myself being able to do that. If anyone knows how, please let me know!
I know that with therapy it is possible to reduce the symptoms of BPD, making it possible to have a family life. But this disorder has no cure, it is seen as a chronic problem. So it will no doubt affect my kids. Maybe this my anxiety speaking, but if I ever wanted kids, I'd be too scared to raise any, convinced that I'm going to mess up as a mother. I feel as though my disorder has taken over more of my life then I thought it would..

Niqi
xoxo

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Stigma

This is it. I'll let the cancer win. I can't do this anymore. The pain. The torture. Barely being able to sit up every morning without the room spinning. Needing assistance to go to the bathroom. Spending more time in the hospital than in my house. This cancer has eaten away at so many of my organs, it's just a matter of time before it takes over. Whether it happens now or in a couple years does it really make much of a difference? I won't have much of life either way. The cancer is going to kill me before I can kill it. I might as well just let it take me know, and spend my last days at home, at least slightly enjoying myself.
Now most people would see this character as a strong individual, who has had a tough life and wants to die with some dignity. They have been a fighter and in pain for too long.
Reread this text, but switch the word cancer for bulimia, or depression, anxiety, anorexia or any other mental illness. Does your perspective on the person's character change? It shouldn't. Mental illness isn't a choice. It's a disease.
#endthestigma

-Niqi
xoxo

Friday, August 15, 2014

What the pro-ana community has done for me

As I sit at my kitchen table crying as I eat spoonfuls of peanut butter, hating myself with every bite, but unable to stop, there are only a few people I can turn to.
No, those people aren't my parents, or my housemates, or teammates, or even my therapist.
My parents would tell me it's okay, and that I'm beautiful. My housemates would just laugh about the time that they ate an entire box of cookies in a week. My teammates don't know I have an ED. And my therapist would talk about how relapse is a part of recovery and ask my how I'm feeling.
The people I turn to are the friends I made on pro-ana websites. I know that there is a lot of hate regarding the pro-ana community. But I would like to argue that this community actually does a lot of good. Firstly, it is the best place for me to go for understanding. Everyone on these websites knows exactly what you're going through. They are the least judgmental people out there. They know exactly what to say to help you feel better.
People with eating disorders live every day with monsters inside of their heads. Never would we wish this torture on anyone. Movies such as "starving in suburbia" make it seem like the pro-ana community is full of people who try to convince others to stop eating. Personally, I have never seen any website like that. We also don't teach each other how to purge. Every day, I see postings made by young girls and boys who want to lose weight, and ask how to starve themselves, or how to purge. And every day, I see all these questions answered with statements such as "don't go down this road", "having an ED is terrible, don't do this", or "try seeing a therapist now, before you get sucked into this awful cycle".
The pro-ana community also provides one very important thing to all people struggling with eating disorders. Safety. Now this may not seem to make sense. But when you struggle with an eating disorder, you're engaging in unhealthy eating habits. One of these unhealthy habits is purging. I asked my doctor once about how to purge in the safest way possible. I know all the risks, and I am doing everything I can to reduce my purging. However, I'm not perfect. I don't expect to recover overnight. So when I do purge, it is important for me to know how to purge safely. Before I discovered the pro-ana community, I didn't know that brushing you teeth immediately after purging causes the acid to wear into your teeth. Or that using a toothbrush to purge increases the risk of choking. Of course, my doctor never told me these things. When I asked her about "purging safety" she looked at me and said, don't do it. Well it's not that easy.
I'm not saying the pro-ana community is perfect. Yes, sometimes it can be triggering. But it has honestly helped me through so many hard times, it's scary to think where I would be without it. Please open your minds before you judge a community you don't understand.

EDIT:
I have wrongly named this community. After spending a lot of time online, I realized that the support I was getting was from the eating disorder support community NOT the pro-ana community. The pro-ana community is quite different and actively encourages people to starve. What I am talking about here is the eating disorder support community.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Grocery shopping

I swear grocery shopping is the hardest thing to do when you have an eating disorder. Especially with other people. Especially when those other people are super healthy athletes.
I either buy everything - like all the chocolate, bread, cakes, cookie dough, chips and ice cream - or I buy nothing. Sometimes I only buy fruits and veggies, and sometimes I decide to buy healthy meals when I want to recover. I've been getting better, and over my grocery trips it tends to even out so I have enough safe food to be comfortable. But no matter what, grocery trips always take hours. I will walk up and down aisles comparing the nutrition information of every different brand of food, trying to figure out which food packs in the most nutrients in the least amount of calories.
My worst nightmare is when there seems to two identical food, but they are in different packages. I'm always convinced that they are tricking me, and there has to be a difference between the two food items. It doesn't matter if I was planning on buying it or not I will stand there comparing the different packages until I can spot the difference.

-Niqi
xoxo

Monday, August 11, 2014

Full Circle

When I was four
I put a bracelet on my wrist
and it sparkled like my personality
as I did cartwheels in my yard.

When I was six
I dressed up like a princess
walked down the aisle and ate some cake
as my mother remarried.

When I was eight
all my friends had blended families
and hugged me when I wore
my late stepmother's necklace.

When I was eleven
my friends had perfect nuclear families
and didn't understand why
I wore the same necklace every day.

When I was thirteen
My dad was happily remarried
And I ran miles and purged some cake
to look like a princess

Now at eighteen
I slip bracelets on my wrist and makeup on my face
so I can still sparkle
when my mind and soul are dark.
- {Niqi}


Sometimes, emotions come out better in verse

-Niqi
xoxo

Talking out of suicide

TW*I know many get really strong suicidal ideations, and once you decide to act on them it can be impossible to go back. However over the past couple days, I've started overdosing, and stopped half way through. The last times I tried to overdose in order to kill myself, I felt like absolute crap for a couple days, and that was it. I didn't actually cause my body any serious harm - I just threw up like crazy until the toxic amounts where out of my system. Of course the effects of an OD depends on the types and quantities of medications taken, so please take all your medications as prescribed and nothing else.*TW
But I started taking some OTC medication today. I had done extensive research and new exactly how much I would have needed to take to get the desired effects. I was hoping to cause damage, but not die. I promised my family that I wouldn't die. I honestly got bored and didn't want to spend all night puking. Somehow that wasn't the self destruction I was looking for. The slightest doubt I had made me stop. I guess the past 10 months of therapy have been doing something. I can guarantee that if this was even one month ago, I would have taken all the pills I had, even though I knew I would just end up throwing up all night. I know that my family may not consider this progress, but the fact that I was able to talk myself out of an overdose is very good progress for me.
I see my therapist on Wednesday, so I need to find the strength in me to pull through until then.
I made a list of little things to do and keep myself busy with, until then so that I stay safe.
-watch the perseids
-knit a headband
-make some bracelets for the #braceletproject
-dance
-go to starbucks whenever I feel like crap
-read
-paint my room
-make tea
-bubble bath
-paint nails
-put on a face mask/teeth whitening strips (this is super effective to stop bingeing as well!)
-I also have letters that spell LIVE that I'm going to hang in my room. Each one is going to be collaged with pictures of one of my siblings (I have four). Once it's complete I will have a beautiful reminder of why I must live.

-Niqi
xoxo

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Introduction

Hi :)
I'm Niqi and was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Since being diagnosed I've done a lot of research on this disorder and its quite an accurate diagnoses.
Throughout the past year I've been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder (bulimia in october, and then my diagnosis got changed to purging disorder). I also self harm and have attempted suicide.
A month or so ago I decided I had to stay alive. I wish I could say I was doing this for myself but I'm not quite there yet. But I can't leave my siblings. I love them too much to put them through that. So since I'm stuck on earth I decided I'm going to make the most of it. I don't necessarily mean that in the most conventional way though.
Some days that means lying in bed watching tv because that's all I have the energy for. But hey, I have a long list of movies and TV shows to watch.
Some days that means studying super hard and throwing new tricks at gymnastics practice and talking to my profs about there research.
Some days that means self destructing because sometimes its okay to not be okay as long as you stay alive.
And some days that means going to coffee shops and listening to motivating music and enjoying the beauty of life.
All I'm saying is that I'm going to take it day by day and do what I have to do to stay alive. Because that is my first priority.
My second priority is world domination through math. But honestly, as long as one day I can get paid for solving puzzles and doing math every day I'll be content.
I'm going to do my best to not be triggering, and if I think anything I post might be triggering I'll warn you. However, I haven't fully committed to recovery yet- so much of my self definition is wrapped into all my disorders. But I'm trying. So this isn't a recovery blog, I'm just hopping to reach out to anyone going through similar things and force me to write down my thoughts every so often.

-Niqi
xoxo