Monday, December 29, 2014

My (attempt) at a meal plan

I'm stuck in monster binge mode. But here is my attempt at having a meal plan and getting back under control:

Breakfast:
- latte (made with 1c coconut milk) (80cal)
- 1cup water with meds and vitamins

Snack:
- tea <3 (0-10cal)

Lunch:
- Lightly sweetened instant oatmeal (110cal)
- pepsi max
- apple (80cal)

Snack (if needed):
- Veggies with salsa (up to 50cal)

Dinner:
- 3cups of veggies sauteed with a quarter cup of salsa (100cals)
- Either lentils, beans, veggie hotdogs/burgers (100cals worth)
OR: meal replacement shake on Mondays when I have no time to cook dinner before gymnastics (225)
- Coffee or tea

Evening snack (if needed):
- 1cup frozen berries (80cal)
- Tea (0-10cal)

Total cals: ~600

Other snacks if I feel as though I need it:
- air popped popcorn
- candy canes
- soup
- natural peanut butter (1tbsp)

I hope this gives you guys some ideas of ways to make a meal plan. Make sure that more calories is better then restricting to a point of binging and purging

-Niqi
xoxo

Binging

I can't stop.
I hate it so much.. I enjoy the food for the first few bites, and then I hate it.
Everytime I binge and purge I promise myself it will be the last time. It never is.
I'm binging on thousands and thousands of calories, not purging it all, and hating myself for gaining weight.
I'm throwing food away, then going through the trash to dig it out.
I'm spending all my Christmas money, buying food with credit cards, and steeling, just to binge and purge. Even though I hate it.
What is wrong with me?
As much as I hate it, I love it.
I want to stop but I don't.
I'm stuck.

-Niqi
xoxo

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Christmas part 2: My stepdad was an ass

I hate being this mean to my stepdad. I know that my BPD causes me to have super intense emotions, and see everything in black and white. I don't want to hate him.
BUT HE MADE ME SO FUCKING MAD LAST NIGHT.
So it's Christmas Eve. My mom's side doesn't do anything on Christmas Eve. Our Christmas' are actually quite laid back. So I decided to go to a friend's for a bit.
When I bring this up with my stepdad, apparently I've been ruining Christmas. I was accused of:
- not eating dinner with the family
- going to bed too early
- wanting too much alone time
- spending too much time with friends
- not having enough conversations.

FIRSTLY I AM IN EXTREME CAFFEINE WITHDRAWAL. Mixed with a low that lasted until midway through Christmas Eve. I cut out caffeine (I was at 250/day.. already down from 800-1000) down to zero. That's right, I've had no pepsi max, only herbal tea, no coffee, no caffeine or green tea pills. No wonder I want to sleep a lot. I also have Major Depressive Disorder. A mental ILLNESS that makes me sleep a lot, withdraw from people, and not be the most cheerful and wanting to participate in conversations. I thought maybe it would bring my mood up to catch up with friends I don't live near when I'm at home, so I would take advantage of us all being back with our parents for the holidays to say hi, and maybe have them cheer me up a little. It took extreme effort to get out of bed each morning, eat some breakfast, take my meds, and then go see all my friends. No wonder I'm exhausted. Simply walking up the stairs was a massive challenge and then I was pushing myself to see people? I thought you would be proud of me for trying so fucking hard.
Okay he has a point. I have been (somewhat purposely) sleeping through dinners. But you know I have an eating disorder. I promised to have all my meals with you on Christmas day. I haven't been purging what I've been eating. And you stare at me the entire time I eat!! How is that not supposed to trigger me. At least pretend to not be watching me, and have a conversation or something.

Anyways at the end of it all, I got blamed for ruining Christmas. Guess I'll be seeing my dad and stepmom for the next few Christmas'.
Maybe they will appreciate my effort.

-Niqi
xoxo

Christmas part 1: food

I HATE FOOD. but I love it. but I also hate it.
Fucking eating disorders.

Christmas. The holiday to celebrate love, giving, family and hope. At least that's always what I've seen it as. It seems as though my family uses as an excuse to eat every carb and fat in the world all through the day. Let's have breakfast (scones, juice, coffee (with loads of milk and sugar), fruit, and yogurt), followed by munching on chocolate while opening gifts, followed by lunch of quiche, pizza, and veggies because apparently we had a small breakfast, followed by more nibbling on chocolate and fruit until dinner; a turkey stuffed pork, roasted veggies, salad and potatoes, and then of course desert, an apple strudel, a peanut butter chocolate overly sweet dish, AND caramel brownies.

I was doing 'well'. I wanted to be relatively 'normal'. Or at least appear normal for one day so my family could enjoy the day.
I binged and purged early this morning because I was stressed with anticipation.
I had a scone with tea for breakfast. My mom made them I figured I would make her happy and eat one.
Then I had lunch: a banana with peanut butter, and some more tea.
I then got caught snacking (and then binging) on all my Christmas chocolate, so I purged.
This happened to be right before dinner, because apparently we should eat dinner at 5:30pm. So I just had a cup of spinach for dinner. I couldn't handle anything else.

Then came desert. Well fuck. I didn't want any. It was grossing me out. But I felt so left out for not being able to enjoy a treat on Christmas that I fucking ate some of everything. Now I just feel enormous, and this will definitely lead to late night binge/purging.

Oh well. I tried.
At least I appeared 'normal' for my mom and step dad. Better then losing it yesterday and getting blamed for ruining Christmas. (Stay tuned for Christmas part 2: my stepdad was an ass)

-Niqi
xoxo

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Holiday meal plan

I know that many of you are stressed with Christmas coming up (tomorrow is Christmas Eve!!) so I thought I would share some yummy safe dishes of mine I'll be eating. 
Obviously it will be weird for me to be eating different food than my family, but since I'm vegetarian, it happens anyways so I use that as my excuse to make my own food. It helps that my immediate family knows and are supportive/know that I'm 18 and there isn't much they can do. 

How to get through a three course Christmas meal: 

1. bread/salad. 
I make myself a very nice garden salad and fill up on this. I don't dress my salads, I simply put some salt and pepper on it. I often have the same salad my family is having, and ask them to leave the dressing on the side. I'll tend to skip the bread, when the bread basket goes around, or put a very small piece of bread in the basket and go for that one. Bread is such a fear food for me, I'd rather not be triggered to b/p right from the get go.
Salad ~ 50 (about two-three cups worth, no dressing)
Bread ~50 (for a small piece)

2. Main course. 
I replace the turkey with tofurky roast (125 per tenth of the roast) and then have a plateful of steamed veggies (about 50 for two cups). I can't do potatoes, so I always skip those. 

3. Desert. 
This is the though one and seems to ALWAYS lead me to binging and purging. I plan on loading up on fruit salad (about 80 for a cup) and some light whipped cream to look like I'm indulging (25 per quarter cup)

In total your meal can easily be under 400cals, and you still feel part of the Christmas celebrations. 

Good luck!

-Niqi
xoxo


Monday, December 22, 2014

Friends

I tried seeing people today. I was social for 4 and a half hours. I currently want to sleep for 20 years. Why are social interactions so exhausting? Of course, now it is almost dinner time so I have to be social with my family.
I swear the holidays are more tiring then the school year. At least during the school year I can claim that the reason I'm not being social is because of readings and assignments.. It's kinda hard to do that during the break.
Ughh I need to sleep. A lot. Or just be alone for ever... Why are social interactions expected of me?

-Niqi
xoxo

Sunday, December 21, 2014

happy happy holidays

The holidays are a wonderful time of year. If you're happy that is.
I should be in the hospital. But there is no more help they can give me. 
My family is gonna hate having me around because I'm going to lock myself in my room the entire time.
I'll eat my own Christmas dinner at the end of the table. Eating delicious pan fried veggies with no oil while everyone else feasts on turkey. All for nothing because then I will binge on cookies and pie.
I never understood why suicide rates went up around the holidays. Everyone seems so happy and festive. I get it now. Being the only unhappy one is quite a lonely feeling.

-Niqi
xoxo

Saturday, December 20, 2014

I'm not depressed because..

I'm not depressed because I spent two days in bed. I got up today, wrote an exam, socialized with three friends, took a train to go home, watched a comedy, knit and played guitar. But at the end of the day, I'm back in bed wanting to die.

I'm not depressed because I don't know what I want to do with my life. I know exactly what I want to do with my life. I have plans upon plans of all the things I want to accomplish. I know which courses I'll take at which grad schools and which condo I'd like to live in in 5, 10 and 15 years. I will have three cats named Ana, Maleficent, and Pixie.

I'm not depressed because it's winter. Yes I am affected by S.A.D. I also attempted suicide in June.

I'm not depressed because school is too much. Yes university courses can trigger my anxiety. But some days the only reason I got out of bed is because I really really like linear algebra class.

I'm not depressed because of a certain reason. There isn't one thing you can change in my life that will make me happy. There are things that give me a reason to not die, until the chemical imbalances in my brain are changed. My meds are still being sorted out. My therapy is still being sorted out. I'm depressed because I am one of the unlucky ones with Major Depressive Disorder. You can't just 'fix' me. Please just stick with me.

-Niqi
xoxo

Questions questions questions

... I know I'm going to have to answer all of these the second I see my parents:


  • How is school?
  • How is treatment?
  • How is recovery? 
  • How much are you purging? 
  • How much are you restricting? 
  • Why do you care so much about your weight? 
  • Why do you care so much about your grades?
  • What are your grades like?
  • How did exams go?
  • How was the semester?
  • Did you get to know any of your profs?
  • Why did you spend so much money? 
  • Why is there an ambulance charge on your credit card? 
  • Can't you see how much your hurting us? 
  • Does your eyeliner have some sort of deep meaning? 
  • Why don't you want to talk to us? 
  • Why don't you want to play with your siblings?
  • Why don't you want to go see your highschool friends? 
  • Did you lose weight? 
  • Did you gain weight? 
  • Do you know how much we love you?
  • Are you still trying to lose weight? 
  • Are you going to get a scholorship? 
  • How much are your books going to cost next year?
  • What are your new years resolutions? 
  • Do you still like your therapist?
  • Why aren't you ding treatment at the hospital?
  • Why don't you want to stay longer? 
  • What meds are you on now?
  • Why do you need blood work done so often? 
  • Is it safe for you to have meds in your room? 
  • Why are you taking so many vitamins? 
  • Is that enough food for breakfast/lunch/dinner?
  • Isn't that a lot of food?
  • Are you going to purge that? 
  • Where did all our alcohol go? 
-Niqi
xoxo

I'm ginormous

I'm ginormous.
A big piece of lard.
Expanding every day at an exponential speed.
I lose a pound yet it looks like I gained 4.
So I lose some more. And more and more.
Until I eat the entire kitchen.
And then start again.
Oh joy.

-Niqi
xoxo

Mindfulness.

To be perfectly honest, I always thought mindfulness was the most ridiculous thing in the world. When I was admitted, I sat through mindfulness groups rolling my eyes and making up elaborate escape plans that would have never worked. But once I got discharged I started to notice some things. Mindfulness is a skill that I have used in the past - I just wasn't aware of it. However, my mindfulness activities are different then the average.
I struggled with mindful breathing, and yoga and those types of activities. I could not stop my brain from wandering and ended up having panic attacks after those activities.
But some of my other coping strategies became a lot more effective when I viewed them as mindfulness activities.
Some of my most common "mindfulness" strategies are:
- listening to music
This one is perhaps more obviously mindful listening..
-knitting
So I suppose that this could be considered mindful movement. However I like to watch netflix at the same time, which means I am not 100% in the moment. The focus I have on the knitting needes help me focus all my brain energy into something, while allowing myself to get carried away into whatever tv show I'm watching.
-making bracelets
This is pretty similar to knitting for me, but you should go check out the bracelet project on tumblr. Its a great mental health awareness project and it gives me a purpose to the bracelets I'm making.
-gymnastics and dance
Both if these sports require 100℅ total focus. I find it so much easier to be mindful when my life depends on it then when I'm sitting on a yoga mat.
-puzzles
I love math. Hence why I'm a math major. Sitting down and doing a sudoku or similar puzzle is one of the best ways for me to be in the moment. I'm sure word searches or crosswords work just as well for those more language bases people!
Basically, what I'm trying to say, is that the skills they teach you in DBT can be used in so many ways. I have fought with my therapist with regards to weather or not I was practicing my skills or not, when in reality I wasn't practicing them in her way.
Some people need yoga and bubble baths to clear their heads, while others need to punch a boxing bag or do puzzles.

-Niqi
Xoxo

Friday, December 19, 2014

Fucking therapy

I love my therapist. 
Well I did.
I might hate her now. 

Yesterday, I was really proud of myself, told her how I was feeling and ended up in the ER for 'suicidal threats and behaviours'. They let me out. I emailed her to see if I could talk to her today specifically about ways I could lift my mood and strategies to get through the holidays. 

Did I get help and support? 
No. 
I got a fucking lecture. 

I got told that I don't have my priorities right. Well too bad it's my life. 
I was accused of lying because my university timetable got changed. I don't control the fucking schedule.
Apparently I'm not committed enough to recovery. Well I'm 18, live alone and choosing to see you every other week, so I'm pretty damn sure that I'm trying. 

I really want to cancel my appointments in January. 

I don't want to go back. 

More triggered then ever. Every time she tells me I can't do something, I want to spit in her face and say watch me. 
So watch me she will. 
I will be skinny, smart, successful and powerful. She did do one thing right. I have motivation to live again because I need to prove her wrong. 

-Niqi
xoxo 

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Burnt out too soon

A week and half too soon.
10 days to be exact.
4 more finals to write and I'm already done.
Ready to throw in the towel.

I'm crying myself to sleep.
Wondering when this will end.
Feeling, tired and worthless.

I starve myself to deal with the stress.
But how can I concentrate when I have no food?

10 days. You can do it. 10 days.

-Niqi
xoxo

Monday, December 8, 2014

Pre exams

Exam one is today. In one hour and 50 minutes. Honestly, I feel okay. I'm starting with the easy one. How bad can it be? We get two hours to answer 60multiple choice. Our midterm was 30 multiple choice and I finished in 15 minutes.
Deep breaths Niqi. Its going to be okay. Breathe in, breathe out. I made the smart decision of taking our my anxiety at the gym this morning. Start burning off the remaining 4.2lbs of the 5 I gained over the past week. God I hate my body right now.

Anyways, I'm actually writing this while on a stationary bike. I hate writing exams not in the morning. 90% of the time my good mood only lasts in the morning. I'm in a good mood now, but who knows if it will last through the exam.... Stupid BPD. The worst is not knowing how you're going TP feel. I feel great now, which means I could also feel great tonight or I could trip over a rock and become suicidal. So please good mood.. Last until 2:30pm. That's all I need from you. I'm pumping you with endorphins, I'll hydrate you and I'm even going to feed you (!!). Just continue feeling good until after my exam!

-Niqi
xoxo

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Falling off

I'm stuck.
Trapped in a land between reality and fantasy.
Where broken hearts become physically tired.
Where more time is spent in the bathroom than with friends.
Getting out is harder then anything you've ever imagined.
It's like falling 50ft off a tight rope.
Try getting back up.
It's anything but impossible.
And if you don't get back in a certain time, you die.
You get dizzy, and start blacking out.
Your heart starts to flutter, but you aren't in love.
You're dying.
Throwing money in the toilet,
Disappointing your family,
Loosing your friends.
You're stuck.
Lurking between reality and fantasy, life and death.
I want to turn back.
But I can't.
So I resign.

-Niqi
xoxo

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Safe study snacks

Exams are coming and I always want to snack while studying.
Here are some good snacks you can snack on without feeling to guilty or leading to binge/purge

- rice cakes (35-60/cake depending on the case)

- chocolate covered espresso beans (216 for 28 pieces, but satisfying and has caffeine. I treat myself with these) (nice caffeine boost, and such a strong flavor I don't want to binge)

- apples (80 each) (give a really good energy boost as well, other fruit works as well!)

- frozen berries (70/cup) eat them frozen and slowly

- veggies (50/cup) with hummus (35/2tbsp if you find the light stuff) or salsa (25/.25 cup) or just some spices (~0)

- Candy canes (50 each) (okay fine nothing good nutritionally, but low cal, no fat, peppermint curbs cravings and takes a long time to eat. If anyone ever finds sugar free candy canes they must let me know ASAP)


Since I'm on the topic, what do you guys eat before exams?
All my exams are in the morning, so my standard is a coffee (~0), apple (80) and oatmeal (130) = 210. More then my normal breakfast intake, but it keeps me satisfied throughout my exam. I also always chew a piece of mint gum while writing, and keep a water bottle with me.

Good luck studying darlings, and remember, if you need to up your cals to focus on school, do so!! You have a break after and can adjust your eating after. Please focus on exams and plan your food so you don't burn out before they end.

-Niqi
xoxo

That's the borderline speaking

Exams are coming. I'm stressed as fuck. So what is my natural response? Let's cut, overdose, throw myself off of buildings, binge and purge or go get drunk.
No Niqi, you don't drink. You know your family has a long history of alcoholics. You don't want to go down that path.
Okay so b/p, cut, overdose or jump off a roof. Well the roof jumping is do risky.. death would be okay but being paralyzed would not. Overdosing would lead you to the hospital and probably on a 72 hr psych hold...
Like always, my options are b/p or cutting. Hence why I do them. Because they are the best option of a list of terrible options.

Niqi, calm down, this isn't you. This is the borderline speaking. It's an episode. Ride the wave, it will pass. I promise. 19 more days to get through. Hold on. Don't fall apart just yet. Try not to bleed out or lose all your electrolytes. Don't get hospitalized until the end of exams. Ideally, don't get hospitalized at all, but hey if you do, try to miss out on 'fun family time' (aka people stuffing their faces until they basically explode) instead of exams that will help my future.

Deep breaths Niqi. You can do this. Ignore the borderline until after exams. You can push it away for 19 more days. That's less then three weeks. 19 days. breathe in breathe out. Don't punch a wall, don't hurt yourself. 19 days. You can do it.

-Niqi
xoxo

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Coffee

I either like my coffee black, or super sweet and creamy in a mocha. I don't even want to think about the amount of money and calories I spent on salted caramel mochas this season.

BUT I FOUND THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS
-1-2c coffee
-2tbsp light hot chocolate powder
-pinch of cinnamon
-1/4c coconut milk

Make the coffee strong, and it tastes like a strong mocha with a kick from the cinnamon. The coconut milk adds flavor and rounds it out. Total calories = 50. Less then half the calories in a grande skinny Starbucks mocha or latte. And if you have good coffee, the coconut really makes it taste better.

So next time you're having the "I need to binge on Starbucks" feeling (that I get a lot..), here is a satisfying low cal solution.

-Niqi
xoxo

To eat or not to eat

That is the question.

But it's not the only question.

See if the answer is no, then I have to plan my day around that. Are I going to drink? If so, zero cal drinks or any drinks? Or just water? What about electrolytes? Are Powerade drops acceptable? Is crystal light cheating? It's zero cals but I'm basically eating fruit salad. At least flavour wise. But I probably couldn't live without my crystal light. What about gum? If I chew it for an hour it makes up for the calories in it? How vigorously do I need to chew it? What about broth? Is broth a food or a drink? It has a lot of sodium, so how many glasses of water do I make myself drink for every cup of broth? And if broth is a drink, what about a brothy soup? A vegetable soup only adds about 30cals to the broth, but then it's loaded with vitamins. So is that okay?

What if I do eat? How many meals? One large one or several small? Carbs or no carbs? Fat or no fat? Do I count spices in my calorie count? How much do I workout? Do I count net calories or total calories? What about bloating? Do I indulge in a treat? If I do, should I purge? What if I overeat healthy food? I feel guilty for purging but it needs to come out. What about laxing? How many? What type? What am I doing in 12 hours? I could always say fuck it and just binge and purge. But how much money am I willing to spend? What time do I need to go out to buy food so my housemates don't notice me coming back with cartons of icecream, cookies, and frozen pizzas. What if my gag reflex stops again and I can't get it all out?

This runs through my mind every second of every minute of every day.

So the next time you tell me that it's easy, that I should just eat a balanced diet, or that I'm not trying hard enough shut the hell up.

It's not that easy.

I keep my days filled with school work and extra-curriculars so that my brain doesn't have time to panic about food. I eat while doing work, because if not, there is no way that meal will stay down. I study best when I'm hungry, because that is when my self esteem is at it's highest.

I'm trying. I really am.
But this has become who I am. I'm taking baby steps, taming the monster.

Honestly, the best thing you can do for me is not comment. If I bring it up, that's fine. If not, be quiet.

-Niqi
xoxo

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Fat piece of shit

I'm a fat piece of shit.
Stupid worthless fat piece of shit.
Why am I even here?
Why do I bother.
I work my ass off. For what? A fucking 51% on my physics midterm?
I try to recover. For what? To relapse even worse then I ever did before?
I just want to give up.
Fall into a black abyss.
Leave forever.

-Niqi
xoxo

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Back in control

I'm finally back on track
Although its a narrow track
I seem to be doing okay
Its like walking a tight rope
But I'm successful
I can keep moving forward
Without falling down
But one small push
One wrong step
A gust of wind
Will have me falling
Down
Down
Down
Back down to rock bottom
And I'm scared
That was a bad place
And I don't want to go back

-Niqi
xoxo

Sunday, November 2, 2014

I can't

I can't anymore.
I can't wake up and pretend to be happy.
Force down a banana trying not to think of all the calories turning into fat.
Down a couple coffees to get through my day.
Put on makeup - no a mask.
Paste on a smile and get to campus.
Get through my classes, trying not to break down.
Because they just re-enforce how stupid I am.
Run home and binge and binge.
Do some homework then purge and purge.
Because the only time I feel is good is after that purging high.
But I can't do this anymore.
I'm done.

-Niqi
xoxo

Friday, October 31, 2014

Home sweet home

I wasn't in a binge mood today. But I felt like I should. I went home for my long weekend, and decided to be a waste to not binge since I had all this food available to me. Something is seriously wrong with me.
Not to mention that it's Halloween and the party I'm going to tonight is going to be LOADED with Halloween candy. My purging high is so strong right now that I honesty couldn't care less either. Eat, purge, eat, purge. Seems to make all my problems go away.

-Niqi
xoxo

Thursday, October 30, 2014

I need to relax

I CAN'T SEEM TO BE ABLE TO RELAX.
My anxiety has been through the roof for the past month. 3 weeks of midterms and so many assignments. So I did what I always do. I ignored my emotions. I shut down that part of my brain. Of course that never leads to any good. Fucking BPD. My impulse goes crazy when I ignore my emotions. I made a lot of stupid decisions. And binged and purged so much. That post purge high is magical.
On the plus side, I did get through most of my midterms reasonably well. I definitely should have done a lot, and I mean A LOT better on physics and linear algebra. But I should still be able to pull of an A+ in every class except for physics. I'm just gonna have to work my ass off. And a B- in physics will still allow me to have an A average.

-Niqi
xoxo

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Romanticizing vs glorifying

If you search mia, ana, depression, anxiety, suicide, self harm or any other related word into tumblr, you will find a load of black and white pictures of sad teenagers, and depressing quotes.

You will also find a bunch of people ranting about how terrible it is to romanticize mental illnesses.

Here is my unpopular opinion: Romanticizing mental illness is fine. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. However there is a BIG problem with glorifying mental illness. The problem is, the difference can be hard to notice.

Romanticizing illnesses is done all the time. From John Green writing romance novels about teens dying with cancer, and a potential suicide in "The Fault in Our Stars" and "Looking for Alaska", to quotes such as "There are lines on your wrists/ like railroad tracks/ and I know exactly where they're going/ but there is no train to heaven" (Unknown), we romanticize illness everyday. It helps us cope. Thinking that we are tragically beautiful, or a purging princess, or a delicate doll helps us hate ourselves less.

The problem occurs when the romanticizing enters that grey section, where illness are glorified, the bad sides pushed aside, and people start wanting eating disorders. I'm talking about people thinking that being depressed means someone is going to save you and help you escape from the dark side. Or thinking that cancer will make you realize exactly what you want in life, and post recovery you will live your life to the fullest.

This isn't how illnesses work. Yes maybe when you are depressed you have that one person who never gives up on you and gives you hope. But you still can't get out of bed everyday, cry yourself to sleep at night, get nightmares, and can't cross the street without secretly hoping that a car will run you over. If you wish you had an eating disorder, stop right now. You will lose your hair, your friends, isolate yourself, and the disease will take control of your brain.

If romanticizing your illness helps you cope. Continue what you are doing. I know that reading poems about people dying, and reading books about beautiful girls who cut themselves but get saved and find themselves with the help of a boy, gives me hope. Makes me think that I'm not just a crazy worthless girl. But please never encourage others to worsen their disorders, and if you find yourself wishing you could have a bit of anorexia or anxiety please stop and read about all the terrible side affects of these diseases.

-Niqi
xoxo

Fucking mood swings

Everything is great. I'm productive, light restricting, exercising and pretending to be functional. I actually start to think that maybe things are turning around. Just maybe I actually am getting better. Maybe my meds do work. Maybe I can overcome this hell. Then bamn. I run into someone or something that triggers me. My old residence manager, my weigh in was bad, I don't lift as much as I wanted to, I ran out of bananas. Literally anything. It could be the tiniest thing. Sometimes it's nothing. And all of a sudden every thing sucks. My skin is itching to be cut, I just want to see blood drip. I want to scratch away at the skin covering my bones. I want to cut the fat off my stomach. I'm losing control. What I crave so much, and strive for every day but now I'm losing it. I leave my house in a fury and jump on the first bus that will take me to a grocery store. Cookie dough, chocolate, oreos, whipped cream, pizza pops, pretzels, peanut butter, and ice cream all go into my basket. Realizing I probably shouldn't be spending this much money on food I know I'm going to purge, I slip some into my coat pockets and bag before heading to the cash register. I have about 20$ left this week for food, since my shopping trips are so small from restricting during my good days. I spend it all. I start eating on the bus ride home, doing my best to seem in control and not shoving food in my face as fast as I can. I get back to my house hoping to run down to my room before my housemates see me and start a conversation. I'm so fucking inpatient. They've gotten good at noticing when I'm not doing well. I run down to the basement and through the curtains into my room, hoping that no one decides to go play video games in the adjacent room. I sit down and open boxes of cookies and peanut butter and realize I forgot cutlery. Screw it. I dip the cookie in peanut butter, put a piece of chocolate on top and spray out some whipped cream. I take a bite. Finally. Relief. I feel so damn great now. I eat more and more until I am no longer in control. My stomach no longer wants food, but my brain still does. I head to the bathroom and purge a bit so I can shove more food in. This repeats until I get into the shower for my final purge. I purge and purge as burning hot waters sprays onto my back. Drinking water coming out of the shower head to avoid big clumps of food coming out that will clog the drain. When I'm finally empty, the sense of security comes back to me. I'm in control. I can do whatever I want. I get out of the shower, put some clothes on and go back to my homework, or practice as if nothing had happened. This lasts a couple of hours until I start having flashbacks to all the food I ate, how I lost control, how pathetic I am, reach for my blade, lighter or simply start scratching. I then give up. Pop a couple pills and head to bed, so the monster in my head will calm down for a bit. Maybe tomorrow will be better I tell myself as I drift into sleep.

-Niqi
xoxo

Monday, September 15, 2014

I'll feed on caffeine and knowledge

Classes have started
Assignments piling up
No time to sleep 
No time to eat
Grab your coffee and
Don't be late

Who needs sleep 
When you have caffeine
Who needs food 
When you're feasting on knowledge

Live in a haze
High on caffeine 
From those sleepless nights
High on endorphins
From running to class
High on purging
All your bad dreams

Keep on pushing
Never stop
Just don't burn out
Until the end of the term

-Niqi
xoxo

Friday, September 12, 2014

Why bother

I don't see why I should bother. I try to get better, and I get knocked down. I binge and feel relief. Purge and feel power. Restrict and feel control. I don't know how to get those addicting feelings without my destructive cycles.
But why bother? I'll live a shorter life filled with emotions caused my ED. But at least those emotions will include relief, power and control instead of sadness, fear and stress.
We are all addicted to something that takes away the pain.
Don't take from me what I use to take away the pain.
Please understand.
I can't recover. I just can't.

-Niqi
xoxo

Cancer...

I'm scared.
My esophagus is wearing down.
This could lead to cancer.
I know the likely hood of this happening is slim. But the chance of it happening now is higher than it was last week, before I had to go to the ER because I was having absolutely terrible painful acid reflux. I've always known that my eating disorder could kill me, but somehow that has always been okay. Something about cancer makes it scarier. It's not scary enough for me to want to recover. You can't be scared into recovery. Just scary enough for me to cry myself to sleep every night.
It doesn't help that both my dad and stepmom struggled with cancer when they were healthy individuals. And here I am slowly killing myself and increasing my chances of getting this disease everytime I stick my fingers down my throat. It still isn't stopping me. I hate myself so much for this.
Esophageal cancer only has a 15% survival rate 5yrs after diagnosis. It is one of the most fatal cancers. You can't eat with this disease.. so my one way of being able to cope with stress will disappear. It will be a long and painful death.
I'm scared.
I don't want my life to end like this.
But being scared only leads me to bingeing and purging more and more. I can't stop. I need help but I refuse it.  I don't know how I'm ever going to get out of this.

-Niqi
xoxo

Monday, September 1, 2014

#NoBingeSept

Happy September.

As I have previously, said, this is going to be my month. It has to be. There is a twitter challenge #NoBingeSept, in which you give up one of your binge/triggering foods and support each other to not binge. I will be tweeting all my meals and be there to support everyone participating. I also posted my starting picslip. Although this is a twitter challenge, I will be discussing my journey through this month here in order to talk about it in more detail.

My goals for this month aren't weight loss. I mean weight loss is a constant goal of mine, but that isn't my reason to not binge. I lose weight while binging and purging, but it ruins my electrolytes. I want to be healthier, save my heart, and stop having dizzy spells.

I will be giving up chocolate for the month. This is going to be insanely hard, but I am hoping that I can then re-introduce chocolate to my diet without binging. Fingers crossed this will work.

I was planning on grocery shopping today, but of course it is labour day and all stores are clothes. This has ruined my meal plan for today, but I am doing my best to stay in control and eat well all day. So far so good.

I wish you all the very best September, and follow my Twitter too see all my meals (and my normal rambling regarding my ED, BPD, depression, anxiety etc)

-Niqi
xoxo

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

I'm a mess of contradictions in a dress

I go to bed wishing I had someone to cuddle with, and wake up pushing everyone who cares about me away.

I spend days wearing cute floral dresses, acting adorably innocent, then get tattoos and piercings, shop lift and have sex on total impulse.

I freak out over the calories in gum, then binge on thousands of calories.

I have bubble baths to soothe my sore muscles, then I take a blade to my wrist.

I plan my future with a PhD, then think of ways I could kill myself.

I spend hours cleaning my room, then smash my mirror to bits.

I am sweet and caring, yet turn into a ruthless sarcastic bitch in a matter of seconds.

I hate being lonely, but refuse every invitation I get to be with people.

I talk about poetry like a queen, while using 'fuck' as punctuation.

I want to be myself and ignore what society thinks, but I have no idea who I am.

I love you and I hate you.

I want you, yet I hate wanting you.

I can't describe myself as I am a bunch of opposites.

As Fiona put it in Shrek The Musical;
"I'm a mess of contradictions in a dress"

-Niqi
xoxo

Monday, August 25, 2014

I'm exhausted

I feel like crap. I want to curl up in a ball and disappear. I'm hungry, yet can't eat. I'm upping my intake to at least 1000, because I think my diet may be causing some of my problems. I just feel so uncomfortable and get such a large insurmountable urge to purge when I feel full. I feel powerful when I am slightly hungry. How messed up is that?
I worked out today, which usually makes me feel great - even if it isn't a great workout - but today I just felt weak. Walking to the library afterwards was a struggle, and I needed electrolytes after to keep me going. I feel like such a failure. The worst part is, my eating disorder voice is getting stronger. It's funny how we are able to trick ourselves into thinking that we will just keep part of our disorder. It doesn't work like that. It's all or nothing.
I also want to binge so badly, and my dad just made muffins... I actually bought a bunch of binge food yesterday (spent 32$..), ate half a liter of ice cream, and gave the rest of the food away. Thank goodness, or I would be bingeing on it now.
Ugh.. I guess I'll go to bed, hopefully 1000 and some strength training works for tomorrow. I have to figure this out before the school year starts.

-Niqi
xoxo

Sunday, August 24, 2014

September plans

I have big plans for September. This year is going to be my year.
I created the 888 challenge for myself.

8 hours of sleep. 11pm-7am consistently. The only way I can get through a day of school and gymnastics is with enough sleep. It also helps the cravings go away, and reduces my urge to binge :) :)

8 hours of studying. This may seem like a lot, but I'm including class time. Every day from 8:30-4:30 I am going to be focused on my classes. I'm going to ace all of them. Who runs the world? me.

800kcal. Realistically, I'd like to be able to up this to 1200, but I'm not at a point where I can eat that much and not purge. At 800, I don't feel the need to binge (most days), and I have enough energy to get through the day. I also eat a protein bar before going to gymnastics as 'fuel'. It doesn't count as food, I don't put it in my daily calorie count, and I do my best not to think about it. I know that 800 won't be sustainable in the long run, but if I start here, I won't purge as much, and hopefully save my heart. Then I will slowly increase my calorie count, until I am hopefully maintaining a weight that I feel comfortable with, and is relatively healthy. I've been using my ED as a coping mechanism for so long, that I'm not ready to let go of it just yet. I know that half assing recovery won't do me any good, but I'm working really hard to overcome my depression, SH, and suicidal ideations first. Once I have a will to live, maybe I'll want to get healthy. But when you have no desire to live, it is pretty hard to care about your physical health.

I'm hoping with this regularity, I'll be able to keep myself semi-sane and not end up in IP treatment again. That's the goal. (As well as world domination and straight A's of course..)

-Niqi
xoxo

Monday, August 18, 2014

To be a queen

Being a queen is more about pretty dresses and delicate hand waving. Its more than the appearances and palaces.
Queens have power. Being a princess is all fun and games, but being a queen means more. Being a queen involves being smart, in control, strong, kind and always on top of everything.
Queens also always put up a brave front. No matter what is going on in their lives, they appear in control when they are in front of a crowd. They deal with their personal issues and insecurities behind closed doors.
That's why I aspire to be a queen. Whether it's the queen of the world, the queen of my family, or the queen of math, I strive to be a queen. When personal shit happens, I want to be able to deal with it privately, and then go out and continue taking on the world It takes hard work, dedication and a hell of a lot of passion, but one day, I hope it will be worth it.

-Niqi
xoxo

Post purge routine

Binging and purging is exhausting. It really is. You get dizzy, tired, and irritable. Here's how I take care of myself after I purge.

1. Chew and spit tums. Tums are basic so they help save your teeth from the acid.

2. Drink an electrolyte beverage. This helps hydrate and get your potassium restored.

3. Have a nice cup of soothing tea. This just helps me relax and self soothe.

4. Lie down and read a book, or watch TV and knit. Just keep busy and try to accept my mistakes and move on.

5. Journal, and try to make the rest of my day more positive.

6. Plan out what I'm going to eat for the rest of the day.

Stay safe lovelies <3

Niqi
xoxo

13

13 must be unlucky
It's the year things got bad
It's the year I was lonely
When I was surrounded by people.

13 must be unlucky
It's the year I grew up
It's the year I became a woman
When I wanted to be a kid.

13 must be unlucky
It's the year I got anxious
Its the year I felt abandoned
When I wanted to be hugged.

But I hope that for you
13 won't be so wicked
And maybe you will find
The magic in madness.

Niqi
xoxo

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Why I won't have kids

I don't want kids. Or a husband or wife for that matter. Or any long term relationship. They scare me.
Firstly, I can't imagine having a completely honest relationship. I can barely live with who I am. How is anyone else supposed to?
Secondly, in my experience, people's priorities seem to shift when in relationships. Now, this does seem to make people happy, but I can't imagine being fully satisfied with my life without reaching all my personal goals. But my personal goals involve me moving to California, being a tenured professor, long work hours and very little time for socialization. I don't want someone to come in the way of my career. I've always placed high importance on my personal goals, and this doesn't change when I'm in a relationship, nor would I want it to.

However, sometimes I still think that it would be nice to have someone to come home to, or plan a wedding, or think of what I would buy my kids for Christmas. I figured if maybe I recovered, I would be more comfortable with the idea of a long term relationship and maybe I would find someone who supported my career. This daydreaming never used to bother me until a couple months ago.
When I got diagnosed with BPD I didn't really think twice about it. I was coming off of an unsuccessful suicide attempt, and just wanted to curl up in my bed and disappear. I started doing some research on borderline and realized that it described me quite well. Then it hit me that my ex's mom had BPD.
Now this may not seem significant, but it is, I promise. My ex and his mother did not have the best relationship, and this definitely affected him as a person. I don't want to be responsible for my children being unhappy, just because I have BPD.
Not only that, but there are many self help books for children with borderline parents (examples include "Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-esteem" and "Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship").
Well if the nature of my disorder causes me to have intense, unpredictable and volatile relationships with my children why would I want to bring a child into the world just to have a bad relationship with them? And if this causes my children. To have trust, boundary and self-esteem issues why would I want raise a kid that I know will suffer so much? I know hard it is to have trust and self-esteem issues, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

I know that many people with BPD have very successful family lives and have happy kids, I just don't see myself being able to do that. If anyone knows how, please let me know!
I know that with therapy it is possible to reduce the symptoms of BPD, making it possible to have a family life. But this disorder has no cure, it is seen as a chronic problem. So it will no doubt affect my kids. Maybe this my anxiety speaking, but if I ever wanted kids, I'd be too scared to raise any, convinced that I'm going to mess up as a mother. I feel as though my disorder has taken over more of my life then I thought it would..

Niqi
xoxo

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Stigma

This is it. I'll let the cancer win. I can't do this anymore. The pain. The torture. Barely being able to sit up every morning without the room spinning. Needing assistance to go to the bathroom. Spending more time in the hospital than in my house. This cancer has eaten away at so many of my organs, it's just a matter of time before it takes over. Whether it happens now or in a couple years does it really make much of a difference? I won't have much of life either way. The cancer is going to kill me before I can kill it. I might as well just let it take me know, and spend my last days at home, at least slightly enjoying myself.
Now most people would see this character as a strong individual, who has had a tough life and wants to die with some dignity. They have been a fighter and in pain for too long.
Reread this text, but switch the word cancer for bulimia, or depression, anxiety, anorexia or any other mental illness. Does your perspective on the person's character change? It shouldn't. Mental illness isn't a choice. It's a disease.
#endthestigma

-Niqi
xoxo

Friday, August 15, 2014

What the pro-ana community has done for me

As I sit at my kitchen table crying as I eat spoonfuls of peanut butter, hating myself with every bite, but unable to stop, there are only a few people I can turn to.
No, those people aren't my parents, or my housemates, or teammates, or even my therapist.
My parents would tell me it's okay, and that I'm beautiful. My housemates would just laugh about the time that they ate an entire box of cookies in a week. My teammates don't know I have an ED. And my therapist would talk about how relapse is a part of recovery and ask my how I'm feeling.
The people I turn to are the friends I made on pro-ana websites. I know that there is a lot of hate regarding the pro-ana community. But I would like to argue that this community actually does a lot of good. Firstly, it is the best place for me to go for understanding. Everyone on these websites knows exactly what you're going through. They are the least judgmental people out there. They know exactly what to say to help you feel better.
People with eating disorders live every day with monsters inside of their heads. Never would we wish this torture on anyone. Movies such as "starving in suburbia" make it seem like the pro-ana community is full of people who try to convince others to stop eating. Personally, I have never seen any website like that. We also don't teach each other how to purge. Every day, I see postings made by young girls and boys who want to lose weight, and ask how to starve themselves, or how to purge. And every day, I see all these questions answered with statements such as "don't go down this road", "having an ED is terrible, don't do this", or "try seeing a therapist now, before you get sucked into this awful cycle".
The pro-ana community also provides one very important thing to all people struggling with eating disorders. Safety. Now this may not seem to make sense. But when you struggle with an eating disorder, you're engaging in unhealthy eating habits. One of these unhealthy habits is purging. I asked my doctor once about how to purge in the safest way possible. I know all the risks, and I am doing everything I can to reduce my purging. However, I'm not perfect. I don't expect to recover overnight. So when I do purge, it is important for me to know how to purge safely. Before I discovered the pro-ana community, I didn't know that brushing you teeth immediately after purging causes the acid to wear into your teeth. Or that using a toothbrush to purge increases the risk of choking. Of course, my doctor never told me these things. When I asked her about "purging safety" she looked at me and said, don't do it. Well it's not that easy.
I'm not saying the pro-ana community is perfect. Yes, sometimes it can be triggering. But it has honestly helped me through so many hard times, it's scary to think where I would be without it. Please open your minds before you judge a community you don't understand.

EDIT:
I have wrongly named this community. After spending a lot of time online, I realized that the support I was getting was from the eating disorder support community NOT the pro-ana community. The pro-ana community is quite different and actively encourages people to starve. What I am talking about here is the eating disorder support community.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Grocery shopping

I swear grocery shopping is the hardest thing to do when you have an eating disorder. Especially with other people. Especially when those other people are super healthy athletes.
I either buy everything - like all the chocolate, bread, cakes, cookie dough, chips and ice cream - or I buy nothing. Sometimes I only buy fruits and veggies, and sometimes I decide to buy healthy meals when I want to recover. I've been getting better, and over my grocery trips it tends to even out so I have enough safe food to be comfortable. But no matter what, grocery trips always take hours. I will walk up and down aisles comparing the nutrition information of every different brand of food, trying to figure out which food packs in the most nutrients in the least amount of calories.
My worst nightmare is when there seems to two identical food, but they are in different packages. I'm always convinced that they are tricking me, and there has to be a difference between the two food items. It doesn't matter if I was planning on buying it or not I will stand there comparing the different packages until I can spot the difference.

-Niqi
xoxo

Monday, August 11, 2014

Full Circle

When I was four
I put a bracelet on my wrist
and it sparkled like my personality
as I did cartwheels in my yard.

When I was six
I dressed up like a princess
walked down the aisle and ate some cake
as my mother remarried.

When I was eight
all my friends had blended families
and hugged me when I wore
my late stepmother's necklace.

When I was eleven
my friends had perfect nuclear families
and didn't understand why
I wore the same necklace every day.

When I was thirteen
My dad was happily remarried
And I ran miles and purged some cake
to look like a princess

Now at eighteen
I slip bracelets on my wrist and makeup on my face
so I can still sparkle
when my mind and soul are dark.
- {Niqi}


Sometimes, emotions come out better in verse

-Niqi
xoxo

Talking out of suicide

TW*I know many get really strong suicidal ideations, and once you decide to act on them it can be impossible to go back. However over the past couple days, I've started overdosing, and stopped half way through. The last times I tried to overdose in order to kill myself, I felt like absolute crap for a couple days, and that was it. I didn't actually cause my body any serious harm - I just threw up like crazy until the toxic amounts where out of my system. Of course the effects of an OD depends on the types and quantities of medications taken, so please take all your medications as prescribed and nothing else.*TW
But I started taking some OTC medication today. I had done extensive research and new exactly how much I would have needed to take to get the desired effects. I was hoping to cause damage, but not die. I promised my family that I wouldn't die. I honestly got bored and didn't want to spend all night puking. Somehow that wasn't the self destruction I was looking for. The slightest doubt I had made me stop. I guess the past 10 months of therapy have been doing something. I can guarantee that if this was even one month ago, I would have taken all the pills I had, even though I knew I would just end up throwing up all night. I know that my family may not consider this progress, but the fact that I was able to talk myself out of an overdose is very good progress for me.
I see my therapist on Wednesday, so I need to find the strength in me to pull through until then.
I made a list of little things to do and keep myself busy with, until then so that I stay safe.
-watch the perseids
-knit a headband
-make some bracelets for the #braceletproject
-dance
-go to starbucks whenever I feel like crap
-read
-paint my room
-make tea
-bubble bath
-paint nails
-put on a face mask/teeth whitening strips (this is super effective to stop bingeing as well!)
-I also have letters that spell LIVE that I'm going to hang in my room. Each one is going to be collaged with pictures of one of my siblings (I have four). Once it's complete I will have a beautiful reminder of why I must live.

-Niqi
xoxo

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Introduction

Hi :)
I'm Niqi and was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Since being diagnosed I've done a lot of research on this disorder and its quite an accurate diagnoses.
Throughout the past year I've been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder (bulimia in october, and then my diagnosis got changed to purging disorder). I also self harm and have attempted suicide.
A month or so ago I decided I had to stay alive. I wish I could say I was doing this for myself but I'm not quite there yet. But I can't leave my siblings. I love them too much to put them through that. So since I'm stuck on earth I decided I'm going to make the most of it. I don't necessarily mean that in the most conventional way though.
Some days that means lying in bed watching tv because that's all I have the energy for. But hey, I have a long list of movies and TV shows to watch.
Some days that means studying super hard and throwing new tricks at gymnastics practice and talking to my profs about there research.
Some days that means self destructing because sometimes its okay to not be okay as long as you stay alive.
And some days that means going to coffee shops and listening to motivating music and enjoying the beauty of life.
All I'm saying is that I'm going to take it day by day and do what I have to do to stay alive. Because that is my first priority.
My second priority is world domination through math. But honestly, as long as one day I can get paid for solving puzzles and doing math every day I'll be content.
I'm going to do my best to not be triggering, and if I think anything I post might be triggering I'll warn you. However, I haven't fully committed to recovery yet- so much of my self definition is wrapped into all my disorders. But I'm trying. So this isn't a recovery blog, I'm just hopping to reach out to anyone going through similar things and force me to write down my thoughts every so often.

-Niqi
xoxo