Friday, May 26, 2017

b/p b/p b/p b/p b/p b/p b/p b/p b/p

 That's right. Nine binge and purges in the last two days. Six binges and purges yesterday, three today... so far, it's only 6:24.

I don't know what to do. I'm don't care about anything but am simultaneously stressed about everything. I want a hug from my boyfriend. But I won't see him for another month. I want to slam my head against the wall. Or slice up my thigh. But I won't. I can guarantee I won't do that. I can't guarantee I won't binge and purge again though. I don't know what else to do. Why is life so difficult.

I'm also behind in school, and not doing as well as I should be in my two first year courses. By fourth year, I shouldn't have much trouble acing a first year course. But no, I can't focus, I can't concentrate, I can't even get myself out of bed.

Why can I not stop binging and purging. I don't know what to do. What to eat. How to eat. Nothing is a safe food anymore. I just want to give up.

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Introduction take 2

Some of you have told me that I should start blogging on YouTube, so I decided to incorporate that into my blog. Some of my posts will have an associated video, where I talk unscripted about the subject. 

I've changed so much since my introduction post in 2014, so here is a new introduction.

I'm Dominique, a gymnast, a math student, and a mental health advocate. I'm currently in recovery from bulimia and borderline personality disorder, but still in the beginning stages and I have lots and lots of lapses. I'm venturing into veganism, but struggle to stay vegan when binging and purging. I think I have things to say, so here I am saying them!

Teeth - a poem - video

So I changed a few of the words around while performing, I just felt like it flowed better, let me know what you think!

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Teeth - a poem

I used to have really nice teeth
I brushed them every day,
They were straight, never needed braces.

I went to the dentist the other day,
And I have four cavities.

You aren't supposed to brush your teeth
After throwing up
The acid gets rubbed into your teeth
And eats away at your enamel

So when I started throwing up
I had to stop brushing my teeth.

Now this may sound disgusting
But there are way grosser parts
To bulimia then the lack of tooth brushing

Like the time I hid
A garbage bag of puke
In my closet for a week
Waiting for garbage day.

Like the time I woke up
Lying in vomit
Because I passed out in the
Middle of throwing up.

But I digress.

I just wanted to be perfect
Be in control, on top of the world,
Not dependent on any need
I followed the rules in the
Eating disorder handbook like
Drinking coffee when I was hungry
Letting the acidity erode my enamel
Turning my bright white teeth yellow

I cared more about the space between my thighs
Then the holes in my mouth

The bacteria acted slowly but
The holes in my teeth
Are just like the hole
In my soul
From the first time I hailed
The porcelaine throne

I wish I could say something
Nice about myself, but isn't this all my fault
I put the gun in my mouth
Too scared to pull the trigger
Not scared enough to stop it from sliding down
My throat became a home for my right hand

Like it was searching for something
Reaching down into a wishing well
Grasping at perfection so recklessly
You fall down the rabbit hole

To the land where less is more
Where you spend more time in the bathroom
Then you do in your bed

I used to smile and laugh unapologetically
Now I face my mirror with wet eyes
And puffy cheeks
Spitting out the remains of what I ate that day
Not brushing my teeth but staring
At the pale yellow bones coming out of my mouth.

I don't recognize myself anymore

I think that when that first cavity formed
I didn't lose a piece of tooth
But I piece of myself

I wonder how much longer,
My body can stand
How ling it will take for my
Teeth to fall out, like my hair does in clumps.

Most of me is scared
But part of me is hopeful
You can't eat if you don't have any teeth
No need to pick up the gun if there's nothing to kill
You can't drown in an empty well

I look back at the picture of me
In middle school, smiling brace free
Beside my friends with crooked teeth.
My mom relieved she didn't have to pay
For an orthodontist
We have perfect teeth in this family she said.

Perfect teeth
Perfect perfect teeth
Perfect straight teeth
Perfect white teeth

Slowly stabbed by a dagger
Made of my skin
Choking on the metallic taste
Coughing up blood

Perfect teeth
Perfect perfect teeth
Perfect straight teeth
Perfect white teeth

Stained by the pain
Of my heart giving out
I can control the gun
But not what it does

Perfect teeth
Perfect perfect teeth
Perfect straight teeth
Perfect white teeth

I lost what was good
By fixing the rest

Visiting family

I'm up north visiting my dad, stepmom and sisters. It's tough being up here. It's hard to eat, it's hard to purge, it's hard not to purge, it's just hard.

I've really been struggling with thoughts of restriction, which hasn't been a problem for me in a while. The thoughts are there which cause the bulimic behaviours to come out stronger.

Yesterday was really tough, I napped for four hours because I couldn't handle the emotions I was feeling throughout the day. I'm going to go nap shortly, to re-energize myself before dinner. I just want my family to leave the house so that I can b/p.

I wish seeing family wasn't so tiring. I really want to be able to just go and have a good time, but I feel like I have to be putting on a show, pretending I'm doing well at all times.

I go home tomorrow evening and I'm excited. I'm even looking forward to the long bus ride, just so that I can have some time where no one is expecting anything from me.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Weight

My weight has slowly crept up without me noticing. I've been trying to focus on my weight less, and all of a sudden I've gained five pounds in 3 weeks. I'm not okay with this. I'm just not.

I put on my leotard yesterday and I looked in the mirror and considered not going to gymnastics because of my weight. I've never felt like this before.

I've been finding that my eating disorder symptoms have been shifting a lot since Kyle left. There's been a greater fuck it attitude. Last night I overate fries and didn't purge. I guess that's a win, but right now it feels like a loss. Like my body is poisoned. I've been binging and purging on non-vegan food. Just not caring.

I want to care again. As much as caring sucks, takes away so much joy from my life, it gives me a sense of control. And oh goodness do I need that control right now.

I'm finally settling into routine again. I don't cry every day because Kyle is gone. I'm not attached to my phone waiting for a text. I'm my own person again.

Hopefully, as I incorporate being active again, my weight will go back down. What frustrates me the most is that my weight is now above my set point weight. So this isn't even the eating disorder talking, I do need to lose weight.

Monday, May 15, 2017

assessment

So I had my eating disorder psychological intake assessment today. It was three hours of me telling my life story and going over symptoms. It was BRUTAL.

These things exhaust me so much mentally. I left so overwhelmed, rethinking everything I had said, wondering if I dramatized my problems too much. I always worry that I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Who's to say what causes distress in my life? What is distress? What is normal? Having not been normal since the age of 6, I find it very hard to compare how I'm doing now to a time when I was okay, or to what the norm would be. How much anxiety do neurotypicals have? How low is their mood? How drastic are their mood swings?

I meet with the program psychiatrist in a few weeks, and I think we go over meds and diagnoses then. I'm hoping to be diagnostically clear of BPD. I know borderline is often a life long sentence, and even if it isn't, it stays a part of you forever, it would be nice to have a professional tell me I'm doing better.

One of the things they were looking at was PTSD. I've mentioned this a bit before in the past, with my therapist wondering if I had some PTSD, and there were some questions related to that in today's assessment. Trauma definitely does affect me, and a diagnosis would validate my struggles, but I don't want to add another diagnosis to my long list.

Sometimes, I just feel like I'm a bundle of labels with a face.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Job hunt

So, I'm not very happy with the current job I have. I'm supporting local farms, which I'm a hundred percent in favor of, but I'm supporting the meat farmers, which I'm less in favor of. It pays extremely well, but I don't agree with some of their values; they don't seem very inclusive of certain populations.

I have two job interviews on Tuesday. One is for an 8 week receptionist position with the children's aid society. It's full time for eight weeks, so I don't know if that's going to work with my schedule, considering I have summer school and exams. The other job is far away (over an hour by bus), but is at a coffee supply shop! I don't need to handle food and I'm surrounded by things I love! They have specialty tea and coffee equipment, and I'm really hoping I get that job.

Last night was absolutely terrible, it only got worse after I blogged yesterday. This morning was rough so I called in sick to work, but I'm feeling better now. I had a big cup of coffee, took my meds, took a shower and went outside, and I'm feeling so much better. I find I need to use opposite action A LOT these days, but once I do I feel pretty good during the day. Nights are still hard though.

Friday, May 12, 2017

drowning

My cat is purring beside me and it's the only thing holding me together right now.

I'm not suicidal, I'm just tired. Tired of being sick, tired of being behind, tired of always feeling inadequate.

I have tears in my eyes, but there stuck. Crying would provide me with relief, and my brain just isn't okay with that today.

"Missing you comes in waves. And tonight, I'm drowning."

But really, I'm always drowning.

Missing you and having BPD is just about the worst combination. I love you but can't be with you and am always so paranoid that you'll find someone else. We each have our lives, and I'm glad we're independent people, but I want our lives intertwined.

I wear your pj pants to bed, and hug your hat as if it's a stuffed animal, thinking somehow that will bring me closer to you.

It's so hard to breathe when you're drowning.