Friday, November 3, 2017


As I do at the beginning of every month, I'm going to promise to write more.

Now that I've thrown my empty promise into the wind, let me catch you up on this absolutely INSANE week.

I had the longest hypomanic epsiode (2.5 days) I've ever had, after a terrible October. I crashed this past Tuesday afternoon and didn't leave my bed until yesterday afternoon to go see my psychiatrist. I'm finally leveling out. We increased my lamictol by 25mg, and added a sleeping pill to the mix.

My med cocktail is now as follows:

  • 100mg prozac
  • 12 mg abilify
  • 150 mg lamictol
  • 0.1 mg clonodine
  • 1 feramax
  • 1 B50 complex
  • 4000 IU (4 pills) vitamin D
I share this as I know many people are in the process of trying new medication, and everyone's experience with medication is different, but if you have any questions about the above medications I am happy to answer them. 

I recently doubled the vitamin D due to it being winter, and added in the B complex due to not having the greatest diet these days. 

I haven't been purging much but my depression meant I was eating peanut butter on a spoon for three days straight, followed by almost nothing during my hypomanic episode. I'm going to do some meal planning tonight and I'll feel a lot better about food going into the weekend. 

Saturday, October 28, 2017


So it seems like my ativan tolerance is basically non existent. I guess that's what happens when you don't take it for months. I took a milligram Thursday night and slept 17 hours. I woke up at 5pm Friday afternoon, completely confused and having to tutor an hour later.

Today, I got out of bed. It took my until 9:30 and I ignored my 7am alarm, but I did it. It also took my an energy drink to do it, but progress is progress. I'm out of the house now, and at the library. I'm probably going to do more netflix watching then studying, but that's okay. Baby steps.

I go back to see my therapist on Tuesday after taking a week off. (Budget wise, I see her 3 out of four weeks). These past two weeks have been a roller coaster, and I need to do some journaling and decompressing before I see her so that I can focus the session on what I need. The problem is, I'm so lost in impulse and dissociation that I don't know what I need.

I know how to ground myself. Hold an ice pack. Count the colors in the room. Play with a spring. These tools all work for me. The problem is, sometimes dissociation is better than real life. But dissociation is dangerous, so I can't live my life that way.

I'm getting back on track I think. I bought a blender. A beautiful 48oz blender with 12 speeds. I was too lazy to make a smoothie this morning but once I get home from the library I'll be having a massive smoothie for lunch.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

out of bed

Other than a visit to the doctors and gymnastics that I got dragged to, I'm out of my basement for the first time since Sunday. Fuck you depression.

I still haven't been to class since reading week (which was two weeks ago), but my goal for tomorrow is to go. I need to see my psychiatrist. I need some sort of med adjustment. I did go ahead and adjust my vitamins:

I went off my antacid so that my iron is properly absorbed,
I doubled my vitamin D, it's getting dark outside, and
I added a B50 complex to my vitamin ritual.

I start this new regiment on Thursday, and I'm hoping I see a difference.

There are 3 support groups running tonight. One for personality disorders, one for depression, and one for anxiety. I'm going to go to the first two, and then have coffee with someone following that.

I can get out of this slump. I can.

Sunday, October 22, 2017

meal prep

I did some serious meal prepping today and I'm really proud of myself.

I made:
8 protein cookies to have with a green apple for snack.
3 dinners, of tofu, quinoa and salad.
4 servings of quinoa pudding for lunches to have with a quest bar
3 servings of oats mixed with flax seed, hemp hearts, berries and protein powder

Maybe I won't binge and purge all day every day for the next week!!

Thursday, October 19, 2017

Recovery shmuvery

So I've been trying to follow my recovery plan because Im a badass, but I have been far from perfect.

Last weekend I had another emerg visit after taking 5mg of ativan. Not enough to die or anything but enough to numb out the pain. Unfortunately this also lowers my inhibitions so I took myself to the ER. I ended up cutting in the ER bathroom. On my wrists. I haven't cut on my wrists in years! I didn't care enough that it would show this week.

I've been slacking on my goal setting. I did it for a week then stopped last Friday. Picked it back up again today. My daily goals for the rest of the week are:
Thursday (Today): go to gymnastics
Friday: wake up early to finish my assignment
Saturday: get studying by 9am
Sunday: email potential supervisor for next year

I didn't go to class at all this week so next week's goal is to go to all classes. I have to go tomorrow as well to hand in am assignment.

I've got this. I can get back on track and STAY on track.

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Recovery plan because I'm a badass

  • make daily, weekly and monthly goals
  • leave cards at home to prevent buying binge food and reduce financial stress
  • keep a list of things I'm looking forward to to stay motivated and excited about life
  • daily journaling for 5 minutes in the night or morning
  • no napping. If under 6 hours of sleep one 1.5hr nap is okay
  • no abusing caffeine, ephedrine or ativan to get high
  • use ativan as needed (don't refuse to take it out of stubbornness) 
  • eat over 1000 calories a day
  • eat 3 servings of fruit and vegetables a day
  • drink a full glass of water with meds
  • interact with people in person every day
  • use agenda diligently
  • use sun lamp every morning
  • four cups of coffee a day max, pre-workout before gymnastics
  • drink coffee when waking up
  • do not sleep in past 7am
  • go to bed between 10 and 11 every night
  • keep house clean and tidy


Monday, October 9, 2017


There's this rule in math called l'Hopital and it's my favorite way to solve limits.

Hospitals suck though.

I took some ephedrine, was dissociating and wanted to hurt myself. My chest is tight from taking more ephedrine then ideal. I purged a lot today too.

I came in to emerg and complained about my chest tightness and purging. No way was I going to mention that I took a lot of ephedrine in purpose. If they find amphetamines in my blood work I'll deal with that conversation then.

For now I'm just getting my electrolytes checked and a chest xray to make sure I'm okay. I have therapy tomorrow so I'll be okay. I think.

I hate being like this. Borderline personality disorder sucks. I slept in thid morning recovering from all the socializing this weekend, went to work and for coffee with a friend. Then I lost my shit. Why why why am I like this.